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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want partner to stop work

157 replies

TooTiredToWork · 07/10/2022 08:17

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works

Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 07/10/2022 08:28

Part time teacher? Brings in some ££ into the house but not a massive amount?
Can she make savings to that amount by staying at home? Or is she still wanting the same quality of life but not to work?

On the face of it she's unreasonable.

PersonaNonGarter · 07/10/2022 08:30

YANBU - she needs to earn for herself and for the relationship dynamic. But is there any reason she needs to stay in her current job? Surely it would be ok if she got a different one? YABU to suggest she must stay somewhere she hates.

Bzzz · 07/10/2022 08:32

Yanbu - she can quit once she has something else lined up

maddening · 07/10/2022 08:32

Yanbu, there is no way I would work to support a healthy adult who has no reason not to work.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 07/10/2022 08:33

Its also a no from me. Other than she doesn't want to work would there actually be any benefits for the family from this?

Wibbly1008 · 07/10/2022 08:34

She can go to work in a cafe/supermarket/ garden centre. There are lots of jobs that don’t require professional retraining. She can do one of those part time instead!
this is her ploy to be at home while you work - all the time! Put your foot down. You want her to be happy but she needs to do something with her time.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/10/2022 08:41

If she doesn't enjoy the job, she gets another one before she quits. It's not fair to expect you to up your hours to cover her not working.

00deed1988 · 07/10/2022 08:42

I have this with my husband (not that he has ever actually asked me and I dont think he would want to give up) but I earn in 1 night shift what he earns full time in a week. Financially it would make more sense for me to do this but I am a HCP with an emotionally stressful and sometimes physically demanding job and I just wouldn't want to commit to having to do this. I know I would end up resenting him if he didn't work. If she had something to go to that was lower paid but happy in, I think it is fine but not to give up all together. Is she wanting to give up forever or to retrain to do something?

Fireflygal · 07/10/2022 08:48

She is unreasonable to ask you to work extra hours so she can reduce her work.

How old are you both? Does she have pension options?

I'm not sure if she has to have a job before quitting but she should have an aim for the future, even if that's to work in local cafes.

Ask her to consider options to fill the shortfall, including retirement savings as you are not prepared to work more.

midasthecat · 07/10/2022 08:51

Could she set up as a tutor OP?

Is she planning to look for something else once she's left this teaching job? She could always join a teaching agency in the interim - perhaps it's the particular school she works in that the issue, rather than teaching itself?

Unless she's very creative / into sports or has multifarious interests, I think she'd be bored at home medium to long term with just one teenager. I say that as someone who is a long-term SAHM - but we have 4 DC aged 12 to 19. I wouldn't SAH if we just had one child though.

myexisawanker · 07/10/2022 08:52

Crikey she already works part time too so is already on a meal ticket.
Does she have friends who don't work and she fancies the idea of being at home to lunch with her friends ? Is that part of the pull for her ?

If honesty disrespect anyone who did this regardless of gender. One thing is stopping work to take care of children but this is nuts.

Buttons294749 · 07/10/2022 08:52

I think both of you are nbu. Could you not cover the shortfall whilst she retrains? You state her job is harder and more stressful, it seems you want to force her to be under all the pressure because it's easier for you.

myexisawanker · 07/10/2022 08:54

Buttons294749 · 07/10/2022 08:52

I think both of you are nbu. Could you not cover the shortfall whilst she retrains? You state her job is harder and more stressful, it seems you want to force her to be under all the pressure because it's easier for you.

This is good if she has such a plan or an ambition. From what OP says she has neither which...

Toweldress · 07/10/2022 08:55

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far.

Darbs76 · 07/10/2022 08:56

She definitely needs something else lined up first

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2022 08:56

No way. She needs to find a different job and then she can quit this one. She’s taking the piss.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/10/2022 09:00

Could she change to Teaching Assistant with hopefully less stress. Might even manage full time. I think teaching is the type of job you should never do if it's stressing you out as there is no let up and you either can do it or you can't. But her experience would count towards other jobs in a school or online tutor/ teaching English online to foreign students. Support her in looking for alternatives but l wouldn't up my hours as resentment will set in very quickly.

Overoptimistix · 07/10/2022 09:01

Does she want to stop work indefinitely or is she asking you to cover her so she can hand in her notice and get her head round what to do next? Teacher notice periods are long and quite incompatible with applying for non-teaching jobs (ie if she hands in her notice before 31st October then she wouldn't be free to start a new job until January). That makes it hard to find short term work as they won't hang around that long for candidates.

Part time teaching can also end up being pretty full time so hard to take up something alongside and transition slowly.

If I were your DW, I would be grateful to you if you acknowledged that all of the above is a stressful set of circumstances and agreed to cover the shortfall by upping your hours in the short term on the understanding that I would then be actively looking to find a new job or retrain. It would definitely not be fair on you to miss out on family time and a good work life balance indefinitely so that she doesn't have to work at all!

somethingfishygoingonhere · 07/10/2022 09:03

She is an adult - so unless sick - will need to work of course. Expecting you to do more is unfair. However, I think you need to look beyond this… it’s a bit of a cry for help maybe.

Stress can be really bad for your health so it’s important she makes a change. Ie) different school / role or she can do supply, consulting role in education or something.

Encourage her to look at her options and make an exit and re entry plan.

Currently, she is probably panicking and not thinking straight.

If she leaves it too long she might get ill/depressed then quitting without a plan and that’s the worst situation of all…

Upsidedownagain · 07/10/2022 09:03

No, not unreasonable. She needs to take responsibility for her choices. If she hates her job, then she should consider other options, not expect you to do more.

Noviembre · 07/10/2022 09:04

Agree, she needs to find something else. She can't just quit and live off you.

Buttons294749 · 07/10/2022 09:05

I can imagine as a teacher she's probably so burnt out she can't think straight (i am not a teacher, i couldn't cope with all the stress,politics and annoying kids haha)

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/10/2022 09:07

DM a used to be a teacher. She was constantly unwell. When she gave up (to start up her own business which flopped) she changed overnight for the better. It was like we had given up our mum to teaching for 10 years and suddenly got her back again. It is a VERY a stressful job.

I can see the issue from both sides, OP. It sounds like your DW needs some career advice. Maybe start with the National careers website?

FictionalCharacter · 07/10/2022 09:09

Fine for her to quit her job, not fine for her to expect you to work more hours to make up the shortfall.
And yes I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Redlocks28 · 07/10/2022 09:09

Do you already work full time?

As a stressed part time teacher, I can quite see the appeal of being able to leave and not go back, but I am realistic and know this won’t be happening! Expecting a full time husband to work MORE than full time, so that I can not work at all, is completely unreasonable.

Does she want to retrain? Does she have any ideas? You say she has already changed career-what did she do previously?