AIBU to not want partner to stop work

[TooTiredToWork]

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works

Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

Oh, matron, house parent at boarding school (not all are live in) etc etc

McDonald's are always hiring and flexible shifts and working hours

If her stress is so severe she is too ill to do her job, she should go sick and eventually her job will be terminated.
Otherwise it would be an absolute no from me I'm afraid. No adult should put another in the position where they are forced to financially support them, and it says something about her character that she feels entitled to ask you for this. If you agree I would strongly suspect she will not work again, as it will always be less stressful to not work than to work, and the more settled she gets doing nothing the more reluctant she will be to find a job.

YANBU that she needs a job, you need to look after your own career in that respect and the extra pressure heaped on you (both to be the sole breadwinner while your wife stays at home and then to pick up extra shifts).

Unlike others, I do think she will need to hand in her notice on her current job before getting another as I recall the notice period for teachers is long and it’s unlikely another company will wait that long for a unskilled worker. However, she would need to be 100% committed to getting something and really understand that she couldn’t then be too picky and effectively choose to stay at home.

I’ve been in your wife’s shoes and struggled with MH due to work pressures. Is she SURE that she actually wants the career change and doesn’t just need some time off to recharge etc?

We'd all love to stop working and have someone else support us - although I have to say if I loved someone I couldn't ask them to work full time plus extra so I could stay at home all day and never work again!

Im.a bit dubious that being a part time teacher is sooo much more stressful than a full time doctor!

She would not be unreasonable at all to change job but to be honest if teaching is at least the third career she's left because of stress that's starting to sound like an issue with her rather than the jobs.

During the biggest cost of living crisis in generations is really not a great time to go down to a one income family.

It's not always easy to stick to the 'must have something lined up before quitting ' line as perhaps with working hours it would be difficult to commit to interviews or even just having energy on top of work to job hunt as it can end up very time consuming. Staying in a job you hate can make confidence drop and harder to climb out of that hole so I would support someone to leave with proviso they get any ok job just to have bit of their own money coming in while they work out longer term plan as staying at home full-time sounds nice with nothing to do will likely make things worse with MH and then harder to later transition back to work and it does often shift the power balance in a relationship.

We'd all love to stop working and have someone else support us

I really wouldn't!

There are some education and training roles in the nhs, eg health informatics, is that worth exploring?

Ask her if you could all downsize your living situation? Smaller house, fewer holidays. That way you could work the same hours and she can stop.

My husband would never want me to work in a job I was miserable in

If you need the money then help her and support her to find a role that she will enjoy

If you dont, let her have a rest for a while with the understanding she will find a job in the new year?

I haven't worked for six years since I had my eldest child. I have done a couple of little jobs where I did some consultancy type work, writing content for things or advising on planning permission. They paid me well so it was worth it. I also cooked some food from home and sold it but it was too much for me with three kids at home during lock down, so I stopped.

We don't need the extra money and our children are very young so I am maybe in a different situation however my husband would not want me to have to do a job that made me depressed or anxious.

When the kids are older I would very much like to re sit maths, take another science and then study medicine, it's been a dream since I was about 19 but by that time I met my husband and decided I would finish my original degree. We got married and had children quickly and I was extremely unwell. I'm very young at 30 with three children and I'm looking forward to having the opportunity to do some work in the future, I would be very sad if I hadn't accomplished something career wise when I am older.

I don't think it's a bad thing for her to be at home as a housewife if she would enjoy it and you can afford it, regardless of your child's age.

There is no shame in it at all (although I do feel a bit insecure) about being a housewife
I am so lucky to not have to work and to be able to join in with every single activity my kids do and their schools and nurseries. My mom was always working and I missed her terribly

Not really sure what my answer is other that drawing on my own experience if I was anxious and depressed my husband would not want me do that job and he is very pleased he earns enough money (for now) for me not to have to work at all. I am extremely lucky.

I missed the bit about working extra hours so she doesn't have to

That's insane she just needs a different job so I would nurture and support her to do this

Is she kind to you Op? Does she do the house keeping aspect of your life or do you share it? If you share it and she wants you to work more that's really unfair and selfish of her

As a few others have said, she'll have a very long notice period and very little flexibility for interviews before she leaves. A lot of teachers are also incredibly stressed and burnt out and it really does affect the way you can form an escape plan. If she wants to leave in January, she needs to hand her notice in in the next couple of weeks. In some ways around now is the easiest time to quit, if she hands her notice in after May, she can't quit until the next January - I don't know that many jobs with a potentially 7 month notice period. I also don't know any part time teachers that only work part time hours. That's not saying she shouldn't be expected to get another job, but it may be tricky to line something up before she goes.

Maybe explain that you won't be able to work more hours and she'll need to be working full/part time by a particular date (beginning/end February?). If she finds herself with nothing after that time, supply is usually fairly reliable work until early May, however it normally takes 2-4 weeks to get the paperwork don't before starting (It is usually easy enough to register for supply whilst working as a teacher as they are used to fitting interviews/paperwork round working hours).

I escaped teaching twice, had to go back the first time due to a change in circumstances. I now own my own business in a field most have never heard off. However, when I handed in my notice I couldn't have told you what I'd end up doing. I had a plan to tide myself over financially and worked it out once the stress and burnout were easing.

I don't know many happy teachers, I know there are a few. I do however know an awful lot of unhappy teachers and teachers that have successfully escaped. Yes, there are plenty of other stressful jobs, teachers aren't unique, but there are a lot of very unhappy, stressed teachers.

First lesson my father gave me when discussing work: Never leave a job until you have another one to step into...even if it's a shitty job.

Giving up work completely is ridiculous. You seem to not need her wage a massive amount but that her earning a bit helps keep things more equitable and to pay to maintain your lifestyle. She doesn't need to earn a pile it sounds like so if she wants less stress then agree for her to give up her permanent position and to go subbing say two or three days a week. Or maybe to do short term contracts of a few weeks where staff are off sick. Education system is crying out at the minute for subs. She would still be earning her own wage, be getting out of the house and would be working within her profession but would no longer be responsible for all of the administrative work and targets that a permanent teacher in a job is responsible for. I know most of my time is taken up by admin and marking. Without that the job is far less stressful. As a sub she can breeze into a school at 8:30 cover the classes, assign the work left, and breeze out the door by 4pm, leaving the admin, marking and other responsibilities at the door. I loved subbing. Getting to go to a couple different schools every month short term with no stresses of responsibility and to essentially decide when I fancied working was great. I only went full time because adult things like a mortgage became realities and I was the higher earner in my relationship.

Alternatively, she could start up her own tutoring business? From 5 to 18 year olds, there are lots of families crying out for qualified teachers to work as tutors to help with everything from basic numeracy in primary school to more focused subject driven tuition for GCSE and A level. As well as top up professional tuition for the home school sector and the foster sector.

Alternatively, she could just go full career change. Get a job in a supermarket or a pub or something. Go stress free doing a set 15-32 hours a week in a job she can do and then leave behind when she clocks off. She would still be earning, socializing etc without the stress that comes with a teaching career.

I totally agree with you though. She has no real plan yet. Just quitting without a plan of what she will do after, and just pushing the extra financial burden onto you is a shit thing to do.

She isn’t unreasonable to want to leave. She is unreasonable to expect you to cover the shortfall.
is she seeking alternatives?

I'll bite - you are a full time medic, she's a part time teacher and you have a teenager. So am assuming you are in your 50s? Late 40s? Do you actually need to pick up more hours. I mean what do you earn 120-150k? thats fine as a family income even in London (where we live). Yes, you might have to make some savings.....but if she's burnt out, she probably cant think straight. How about she steps away for 12months and thinks about how to retrain and you can carry on as you are.

She needs to work, but teaching is super stressful, I'm so glad I was able to leave it. You need to sit down together to make a plan for where she can go next, she probably doesn't even have the time or mental energy to be able to do this herself, but she needs an exit strategy. If she's older, would she considered a non-professional role (retail or similar) for the last few years until retirement? It's not without its stresses, but at least has the major advantage that you can leave the stress there and not have it hanging over you 24/7. Tutoring is also an option; the income is less dependable but can be decent if you do enough hours.

I do really agree that's why I've asked if they need the money or not if they don't he can protect her from this situation as you should do with someone you love regardless of the gender

But the bit where he should work more including weekends so she can stop feels unfair. If she is very sick then it would have to happen but if she is managing then I think it's really not a good decision to do this unless totally necessary

She should apply for teaching jobs in other schools or do supply work. She's surely not tied to one place of work forever.

Why isn't she considering supply work? I know a few older teachers (friends and family) who have gone down this route and find it much less stressful.

What about if she had the option to privately tutor?
She could choose her hours and days only take in the work she wanted while still bring something into the family.

That was my first thought.

Most doctors don't earn as much as you're suggesting.

The OP's wife clearly doesn't think they could easily cope without her salary or she wouldn't suggest the OP work more to compensate - she presumably knows their finances better than we do.

I don't find it that surprising that they would find things difficult without her salary - when you think about pension savings, university costs looming for the teenager, etc. Not saying that they would be queueing at the food bank but it would entail making some choices

@cultkid exactly. to be honest with one teenager who will presumably soon leave home - is there really any point in him working over time. I dont think later life is when you should be working overtime or in jobs you hate if you dont have to. Yes, she probably should work for her own mental health but if you sit down and assess how much money you need now....but also say in 5 years time when the teen leaves home, perhaps some of the stress and pressure might dissipate.

Perhaps its just the doctors I met - but i havent seen any senior docs around us pushing their partners (male or female) to work in a supermarket to help with the bills. I know medics no longer get paid as much as in the past but still

Lots of teachers move from teaching to instructional design. I retrained at my 50 while working insane hours. For a year I worked/studied 7/7. I now earn more and work from home. My hours are still a bit mad but no weekends and no homework to mark.

@uiyo7987 this is the thing I am really confused how a part time teaching wage is so important when surely by now at 50 ish he surely isn't a junior doctor and is at the minimum a reg if not consultant.

Consultants earn a good deal of money and GPS earn a good wage too, at least 90k I think for a GP

If his wife is very sick, then he could swap to work in the private sector as this pays more and involves less hours and stress often working in nicer environments with more light and better facilities, they could use the chance to change their whole life now if they need to, he could change careers and she could stop working

I can't imagine that the £18k is totally imperative to their life at this point with his qualifications. However if his wife wants him to work nights for example so she can continue to purchase luxuries that she doesn't need like expensive clothes or going out for really expensive lunches every week then that would be unfair.

I think the OP was really well balanced but we don't know the extent to which his wife is suffering and I do know from my experience of being very sick for the last six years many doctors become de sensitised to others struggles, because other wise they wouldn't be able to cope with the emotional load of their job and the awful things they are forced to see.
If it's a case of the husband not truly realising how sick his wife is and the money is honestly needed then he will have to pick up the slack so that she can recover and start fresh.

I would do this for my husband and I know my husband would for me.

If she doesn’t want the stress of her job, why doesn’t she find a job that doesn’t come with much stress? As a teacher she could find tutoring work for a couple days a week - she would have much less stress, but still contributing to the household. Her wanting to give up work and be “kept” by you doing extra is very unreasonable.