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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want partner to stop work

157 replies

TooTiredToWork · 07/10/2022 08:17

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works

Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2022 10:13

Maybe working longer hours in a less stressful role could work for her. Clearly it is perfectly reasonable to expect adults in the family to work.

NotLactoseFree · 07/10/2022 10:14

I don't think you are unreasonable to be concerned about this but I think there are a few things that aren't clear from your OP. eg, are you working full time or part time and how much additional work would you need to take on? I do agree that you adding massively to your stress is not a great idea, but it sounds like she is hugely stressed and unhappy so clearly staying where she is isn't ideal. So if you are currently working 3 days a week but could swap to 4, perhaps that is a good solution? Or take on extra hours while she finds something (because when you are that stressed and unhappy, it can be very hard to look for new work or consider options - I know from experience).

Who currently does all the cleaning/cooking/household activities? If she stopped work (or took on some minor part time role), would she be happy to ensure she is doing all of this because without childcare responsibilities, I think the person working part time or not at all should certainly be doing all of this?

I say all this as the main breadwinner in our family. DH has at various times been a SAHP, part time worker etc. The flex has been possible and it's always been true that the financial hit when he's not working at all is usually well compensated for by me finding I don't have to do anything at home except cook dinner.

lunar1 · 07/10/2022 10:16

What is she planning to do with her time if she did quit?

Worthyornot · 07/10/2022 10:18

Rapunzel22 · 07/10/2022 10:09

You are a doctor and you don't seem to have any sympathy for her mental health?

Oh FGS. 🙄

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/10/2022 10:19

Rapunzel22 · 07/10/2022 10:09

You are a doctor and you don't seem to have any sympathy for her mental health?

lol

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:24

Rapunzel22 · 07/10/2022 10:09

You are a doctor and you don't seem to have any sympathy for her mental health?

She works part time and has already had 2 career changes.

luxxlisbon · 07/10/2022 10:26

Rapunzel22 · 07/10/2022 10:09

You are a doctor and you don't seem to have any sympathy for her mental health?

What about his mental and physical health?

ChicCroissant · 07/10/2022 10:26

Toweldress · 07/10/2022 08:55

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far.

The OP does say that the person who wants to quit their job has
changed career more than once due to stress at work
so it seems a more long-term issue than a one-off, definite solution to leave the current role. And I say that as a long-term SAHP previously, from what has been said here the OP doesn't seem unreasonable.

hattie43 · 07/10/2022 10:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If she wants to leave she has to find a job to go to .

Sacredheart7 · 07/10/2022 10:32

She can only do that if you're both in agreement she has no right to override what you think and feel.
On that basis, she is being unreasonable.

saltofcelery · 07/10/2022 10:34

YANBU, if my husband asked me to do this I'd show him the door. If teaching is too stressful (I acknowledge it's extremely stressful) then she should find a job that is not stressful.

I actually think that's a very selfish ask. Is this a one off or is she usually like this?

VatofTea · 07/10/2022 10:35

She has to be productive and support herself to some extent, she can't opt out and become dependent.

Mamansparkles · 07/10/2022 10:39

YANBU. But, as teacher notice periods are so long I would support her to hand in her notice now even though she won't be in a position to apply for jobs until nearer the end of the notice period, and include being willing to pick up a couple of extra shifts alongside her doing supply work briefly for a while if there ends up being a bit of a gap. But make sure it is clear that that is a temporary thing for her to transition to a new less stressful job.
Depending on what she finds stressful about teaching, supply work longterm might be the worst idea - pupil behaviour in secondaries towards supply teachers is notoriously bad.

Original poster
TooTiredToWork · 07/10/2022 10:43

I’m already working full time - with some nights and weekends on call. I could easily pick up some extra work on the other weekends - but I’d have to do quite a lot of them to cover the shortfall. Then there’s the tax implications that we’re better off having two earners than one single high earners

I have huge sympathy for her - I hate how her job is making her feel. It seems impossible to do the job in the time allocated, with a lot of pressure from SLT to boot. She did work on the NHS before teaching, that’s how we met, and she retrained as she enjoyed the teaching aspects of her job but the team itself was toxic.

I wish I could support her request - I really do have concern for what this is doing for her - but I don’t know how I could manage it. I wish she could find a better job that uses her talents without all the stresses

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 07/10/2022 10:44

Overoptimistix · 07/10/2022 09:01

Does she want to stop work indefinitely or is she asking you to cover her so she can hand in her notice and get her head round what to do next? Teacher notice periods are long and quite incompatible with applying for non-teaching jobs (ie if she hands in her notice before 31st October then she wouldn't be free to start a new job until January). That makes it hard to find short term work as they won't hang around that long for candidates.

Part time teaching can also end up being pretty full time so hard to take up something alongside and transition slowly.

If I were your DW, I would be grateful to you if you acknowledged that all of the above is a stressful set of circumstances and agreed to cover the shortfall by upping your hours in the short term on the understanding that I would then be actively looking to find a new job or retrain. It would definitely not be fair on you to miss out on family time and a good work life balance indefinitely so that she doesn't have to work at all!

This is an important point. If she expects to go at end of term - Christmas - she needs to resign now. It would be fair to do that provided you agree she will find something in the January recruitment round to cover an equivalent contribution.

It's not fair to expect the change to impact on you though.

YellowRedBlueGreen · 07/10/2022 10:45

maddening · 07/10/2022 08:32

Yanbu, there is no way I would work to support a healthy adult who has no reason not to work.

This. Shameful

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:46

OP does she like teaching but not the job she currently has? Could you support her becoming a supply teacher through an agency instead? It takes away the pressure of planning, homework etc.

TheStoop · 07/10/2022 10:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 07/10/2022 10:49

Could she do supply work? There seems to be a lot of demand for supply teachers at the moment and you don't have the large amount of planning and politics that go with being a permanent member of staff?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2022 11:02

Hi OP

You clearly can't do any more than you're doing now without burning out. So that's a non starter.

So the remaining options are:
Both stay as you are. This doesn't seem like an option is she is finding it too stressful
She quits work permanently and you massively cut your lifestyle back. Unless you're very financially comfortable (eg paid off mortgage, saved for uni fund) this is probably going to lead to resentment. You're not going to want to miss out on holidays etc when you're working full time and this will probably lead to resentment
She quits work and finds something else that makes her happier and means no change or only a slight change in lifestyle

Is there any reason why she wants to choose the first option instead of the last option? I can understand not wanting to work (I'd quit tomorrow if I had enough money) but not to the detriment of your family finances and your partners health and happiness

If you agreed she should quit and take a few months to really think about what she wants to do and then start with something else or possibly retrain do you think she would actually follow though with this? Or it would be 'I'll look harder next week', 'I've not found anything yet' etc.

Noteverybodylives · 07/10/2022 11:03

She sounds very selfish!

I am a teacher and get how hard it is and the workload is insane (why I am looking for other work) but it is very unfair that she expects to work PT or not work at all whilst you work FT.

If she was a man she’d be called a cock locker.

Tell her to get a 0.7 job and then you can reduce your hours and do the same.
You’ll both have more free time and not a big loss on your earnings.

With a teaching degree and experience in the NHS I would have thought employees would jump at the chance to have her.

How long was she doing her previous job and how long has she been doing this one?

She could even see if there is a role coming up like head of year or an admin role in the school so she’s not having a complete career change.

MsMarch · 07/10/2022 11:04

It sounds like she's good at working with people, but finds it stressful. I'm not sure that if she left the NHS because it was so stressful, that going to work as a teacher is a good alternative option! Grin

I would think there are definitely options for her though so the trick is to sit down and think about it. What about tutoring - that's something that I see a lot of people needing and would absolutely use all her skills.

With experience as both a teacher/NHS worker she could probably do any number of jobs that involve working with children but that are less intense - retrain as a swimming teacher or work in a nursery. Or work for one of those organisations that offers sport/creative/other activities for children.

As others have suggested - supply teacher. Or teaching assistant.

Or look for work that is seasonal/project based - eg after school clubs or holiday club provision. Our local taxi company is advertising for people who can be chaperones /drivers to take children to school and back.

These are all jobs that are probably less stressful but where her skills would be valued.

Splutteramo · 07/10/2022 11:07

Stay firm, she sticks with that job until she has another lined up.
what adult would be happy to sit in their arse and spend someone else’s money? If she was a man people would be shouting ‘cock lodger’…

NotOnTheSofa · 07/10/2022 11:08

She changed career due to stress and went into teaching....? 🙃

YANBU, maybe she could try a local authority job or student support type role. Her experience and qualifications would be helpful for that

Swedishmeatball · 07/10/2022 11:09

Tutoring, SEN support, holiday club (eg The Hive which seems to only employ teachers), a different school - esp a small private school with a nice atmosphere. She wasn’t a nurse in the nhs was she? My DC private school has 5 nurses on the team and they love it, apparently. They also do the health Ed.

yanbu.