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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want partner to stop work

157 replies

TooTiredToWork · 07/10/2022 08:17

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works

Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

OP posts:
cultkid · 07/10/2022 14:45

@Topgub

I have listed heaps of ideas that may or may not help the OP.

If it's not a job why do people pay someone else to look after their children?

I don't need to work, I don't want to work, I want to be here for my family. My husband wants the same, if we didn't we would change it.

It's perfectly acceptable not to work.

It's also ok to support your spouse through mental health problems

Not okay to want to be lavish and not work and expect someone to work nights or extra weekends to be able to afford that.

That's all I've said

madasawethen · 07/10/2022 14:50

Maybe she'd be happier with something that had regular hours like office work?
Do the 8 hours and go home.
You said she used to work NHS. Was she a nurse?
She could look into Healthcare analytics or Health Information Management.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:51

@cultkid

Its only acceptable to not work if someone agrees to fund that choice. The ops wife does not have that luxury

Looking after your own kids is not the same as looking after other people's.

If looking after your own kids is a job, does that mean working parents have 2 jobs?

Lightattheendofthetunnel100 · 07/10/2022 14:51

XPD · 07/10/2022 13:48

Why isn't she working fulltime ? Lazy unless in ill health.

You can’t make that assumption. We are all different. It sounds like she is very susceptible to stress.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2022 15:04

dailyfup · 07/10/2022 10:02

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far

I am I the only person who finds these sorts of posts intensely irritating. Quoting some supposed threads where some people said the opposite of what is being said on this thread and then claiming Mumsnet is inconsistent. Every thread involves slightly different circumstances - so it could well be the case that on some random thread from last year people said the OP must let her husband quit his job or he'd kill himself because the circumstances were different. There are also plenty of threads where people say (based on the circumstances described in those threads) that the man is a cocklodger and no way should he be "allowed* to quit his job.

And anyway, the OP has not stated whether they are male or female. It could be two females involved. The assumption that the OP is a man is also intensely irritating.

No I feel the same, both about that response and the assumptions about the OP.

And of course such posts start from a premise that men and women are equal in all circumstances which we know isn't true.

forevercooking · 07/10/2022 17:56

I thought all doctors were horrifically stressed and underpaid. Yet one extra shift can pay for a holiday.

BirdinaHedge · 07/10/2022 18:28

YANBU.

She needs to think about her pension, and her equal contribution to the household.

dailyfup · 07/10/2022 18:31

I thought all doctors were horrifically stressed and underpaid. Yet one extra shift can pay for a holiday

They did not say they did one extra shift and it paid for a holiday.

They said:
I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly.

It's just the way the OP phrased it - turn it round a bit and the meaning is clear "Occasionally I do an extra shift and that pays for a special holiday"
The word occasionally indicates that this happens a few times. Not a huge number of times, but certainly more than once.

midasthecat · 07/10/2022 18:35

Topgub

"If looking after your own kids is a job, does that mean working parents have 2 jobs?"

You just can't help yourself can you? Like a stuck record.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 18:42

@midasthecat

Pot kettle much

Aishah231 · 07/10/2022 18:46

From what you say about her previous job OP I'd be worried that she'd be unhappy in whatever job she was in and once she quit work she'd never go back. That would just lead to resentment. Suggest she find something else and then quit. As she's part time she'd be able to pick up part time work alongside what she's doing now if the notice period is a problem.

midasthecat · 07/10/2022 18:55

Its not about pots or kettles Topgub, but please don't try to twist this thread to the usual predictable agenda.

With just one teen at home, the wife would probably be bored anyway. It doesn't sound like they can afford for her to SAH either. So that's that.

But the OP doesn't really say what his wife would be planning to do once she's left teaching. Would she be looking for another job or not? Who knows?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 07/10/2022 19:07

am I missing the point but she could get another job that's not teaching??

Calandor · 07/10/2022 19:16

Seems v unreasonable of her to me. I'd happily support DP if he was raising small children, sick, mentally unwell or caring for a family member. Not because he hates his job and wants to chill at home. We all want to chill at home!

I'd expect her to get a lower stress job

PhilInt · 07/10/2022 19:19

Would she consider Supply Teaching? She would have to set aside her own pension and any sick pay money I think but it wouldn't be the same stress as being permanent as it's more cover and then leave at home time.----

Sandinmyknickers · 07/10/2022 19:25

Who would pay for her retirement? You? YANBU

berksandbeyond · 07/10/2022 19:34

Her job is more stressful than that of a doctor? Right ok

Topgub · 07/10/2022 19:38

@midasthecat

Maybe you should keep your nose out of conversations that don't involve you then?

But you just can't help yourself

I have no interest in your opinion of my opinion.

Brigante9 · 07/10/2022 19:42

Why is she part time? To help with childcare? My DH said he would lose all respect for me if I went part time (no dc). Your wife may just be in the wrong job. I was very stressed in my last school, but not so much now, different dynamic.

Obki · 07/10/2022 19:49

She sounds like a fannylodging twat! Say no, OP!

And watch she doesn’t get pregnant so you have to support for her the next 10 years.

cultkid · 07/10/2022 20:13

@midasthecat
She's a nightmare she had a bone to pick with me

So why do we have nannies then? Nurseries? Of course it's a job to provide childcare

How can a parent look after a child during the day if they are doing a different job?

Obki · 07/10/2022 20:36

@midasthecat @cultkid sounds like you both are trying to pile on @Topgub . She’s just giving her view, you are free to disagree and debate.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 20:45

@cultkid

She's a nightmare she had a bone to pick with me

How rude.

you responded to me. Several times. Because you had a bone to pick with thr term 1950s which I quoted from the op.

And yes, of course its a job to provide childcare

Parenting your own child isn't 'childcare'

Interesting you couldn't answer question.

Galaktoboureko · 07/10/2022 22:18

I do not know of a regular, well paid job is low stress. I am moderately well paid and I do lots of overtime AND self-study/ self-improvement to keep my skills sharp and updated. So either she’s going to take a less responsible job eg in retail or care work, or she’s got to figure out a coping strategy.

I guess 'regular' is the key word here as there are quite a lot of non office jobs which pay well but don't really tend to be done by women.

Like my friend who is a truck driver. Earns over £50k and works 4on/4off. Does 10-12 hour days for the four days she works but she gets to chill out/sleep for 3-4 hours of that shift while waiting to be unloaded.

She basically drives 3-4 hours, has a nap for a few hours, then drives back same route. After doing that four times she has a whole four days off. She says it's far less stressful than any £50k+ office job she's had.

cultkid · 07/10/2022 22:20

@Topgub
Of course it is, otherwise who would look after them? Someone with a job!
I would have to pay someone to look after them during working hours
Whatever

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