Page 2 | AIBU to not want partner to stop work

TooTiredToWork · 2022-10-07T07:17:23+00:00

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

kingtamponthefurred · 07/10/2022 09:16

Plenty of people do jobs which are stressful and not very enjoyable; the onus is on them to come up with an alternative which does not involve living off someone else. It does not matter whether the 'someone else' is a partner, parent or the taxpayer.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 07/10/2022 09:16

My mum, when she didn't want to be a full-time teacher any more for all the reasons you've said, became a locum (is that the right word?) - better rate, less stress/overtime as very little marking etc. - you just have to be available at very little notice.

Would that suit her? I think it's reasonable that she keeps working - but I've also been in the position where I just needed a break for a bit (I'm there now in fact) because for 20 years, life has been just so relentless!

TwinkleChristmas · 07/10/2022 09:17

She can quit when she has a never job lined up.

You can’t stop her quitting that job but you don’t have to put up with her not working at all and making you increase your hours.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/10/2022 09:24

maddening · 07/10/2022 08:32

Yanbu, there is no way I would work to support a healthy adult who has no reason not to work.

This.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 07/10/2022 09:25

has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

Can you say a bit more on this?

It reminds me of my SIL - also a part time teacher - every job she has had has been "too stressful". It is honestly hard to tell whether she is work shy, lacks resilience or has mental health issues that need addressing.

MrsTimRiggins · 07/10/2022 09:29

If she wants to quit her current job, she better find herself a new job. Is she even looking? It’s unfair to expect you to take on more hours and stress just so she can waft about at home. If you had kids, or there was other mitigating factors, maybe it would be a different story, but no, she’s being ridiculous.
As an aside, I know it’s not stress top trumps but I am surprised you class being a doctor as less stressful than being a teacher. Both are stressful jobs and they bring their own challenges.

Galaktoboureko · 07/10/2022 09:33

Toweldress · 07/10/2022 08:55

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far.

Yes, but the husband is usually working crazy hours in a high stress job with the majority of the financial burden/mental load. It's not quite the same when the wife already works much fewer hours and wants the husband to do even more so she can stop completely.

KimberleyClark · 07/10/2022 09:36

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 07/10/2022 09:16

My mum, when she didn't want to be a full-time teacher any more for all the reasons you've said, became a locum (is that the right word?) - better rate, less stress/overtime as very little marking etc. - you just have to be available at very little notice.

Would that suit her? I think it's reasonable that she keeps working - but I've also been in the position where I just needed a break for a bit (I'm there now in fact) because for 20 years, life has been just so relentless!

Supply teacher? Yes I think it would be worth the OP looking into.

Worthyornot · 07/10/2022 09:43

Can she look at supply work or tutoring instead? I agree with you. You have a teenage child and she is already part time. She is living a very good life as it is. It seems as if she leaves the job she will never get around to working again.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/10/2022 09:48

I hit YANBU, because obviously you're not happy with the solution. Going back to 1950s has nothing to do with it, it works for some couples. Even if it worked for me, you sound like you don't want to take more hours at work and it's completely fair. Plenty of jobs apart from teaching out there.

Overandunderit · 07/10/2022 09:51

Your DW just needs to find an offramp to a new career. Has she considered something like Public sector admin e.g. University Administration type stuff? I made the switch from teaching to similar work and make more than I did as a teacher and you still feel like you're making a contribution to something worthwhile and none of the extra work afterwards.

HeckyPeck · 07/10/2022 09:53

Toweldress · 07/10/2022 08:55

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far.

The ones I've seen that are similar to this i.e
the woman is the high earner and man already part time, the replies have mostly been along the lines of cocklodger.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/10/2022 09:55

I am the main earner and I think YANBU. I have supported DH through career changes and I have been the sole breadwinner at times. It is not reasonable for her to expect you to restrict your life further to free up hers. She needs to think of a decent plan about what she plans to do to fill the earnings gap. Life is getting more expensive at the moment so cutting income with no plan to replace it other than you working more is not realistic.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 09:57

YANBU.

What's she proposing she does with her time?

Namenic · 07/10/2022 09:58

it would be good for you and her to look at jobs together to think about what she could do. You can split it into short term and medium term - if it got too stressful - she could resign and then do the short term option while she works towards the medium term option. But I think her not working at all does sound a bit unreasonable (though perhaps it might be necessary for a short/long while if she has mental health issues?)

dailyfup · 07/10/2022 10:02

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far

I am I the only person who finds these sorts of posts intensely irritating. Quoting some supposed threads where some people said the opposite of what is being said on this thread and then claiming Mumsnet is inconsistent. Every thread involves slightly different circumstances - so it could well be the case that on some random thread from last year people said the OP must let her husband quit his job or he'd kill himself because the circumstances were different. There are also plenty of threads where people say (based on the circumstances described in those threads) that the man is a cocklodger and no way should he be "allowed* to quit his job.

And anyway, the OP has not stated whether they are male or female. It could be two females involved. The assumption that the OP is a man is also intensely irritating.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2022 10:02

There’s a difference between ‘it’s very stressful’ and ‘the job is driving me to a mental health breakdown’.

On the bare bones of your post, YANBU and your DW needs to make a plan for the earnings gap by setting up something in place herself to make money (not asking you to) before handing her notice in.

If she’s at a crisis point though then the conversation is different.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2022 10:03

dailyfup · 07/10/2022 10:02

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far

I am I the only person who finds these sorts of posts intensely irritating. Quoting some supposed threads where some people said the opposite of what is being said on this thread and then claiming Mumsnet is inconsistent. Every thread involves slightly different circumstances - so it could well be the case that on some random thread from last year people said the OP must let her husband quit his job or he'd kill himself because the circumstances were different. There are also plenty of threads where people say (based on the circumstances described in those threads) that the man is a cocklodger and no way should he be "allowed* to quit his job.

And anyway, the OP has not stated whether they are male or female. It could be two females involved. The assumption that the OP is a man is also intensely irritating.

You’re not the only way be who finds it intensely irritating!

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/10/2022 10:04

Toweldress · 07/10/2022 08:55

On many threads someone says ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ so I’ll say it on this one. I’ve read threads on mumsnet where the sexes were reversed and the OP is told she must let her husband quit his job NOW or she’s basically responsible if he commits suicide. This one is going very differently so far.

As usual, the whiny MRAs get it completely wrong. "My husband has quit two jobs due to stress and now wants to do it again, but this time permanently" would not get replies of "yes he must quit now." They'd get the replies you're seeing here, with lots of 'cocklodger' thrown in.

dailyfup · 07/10/2022 10:04

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out

I think that you should sit down with her and explain exactly that. Say that it's not possible for you to take on more work because you need to ensure good mental health and a work life balance so that you also have the family time you want. Unfortunately, her not working at all is not an option which works for the family. She does not have to continue being a part-time teacher but she should stick it out for a short while until she has an alternative plan in place. And then talk to her about what options she might be interested in.

Bestcatmum · 07/10/2022 10:06

I too am a medical professional and would love to go very part time or retire, I am in my 60's. I am tired physically.
However I live alone and do not have this luxury if I want the full pension I have to work full time, and I have a mortgage for the next two years.
I think it's inconsiderate of her to expect you to do more given that your own job is so stressful.
Its just heaping her problems onto you.
I wouldn't put up with that if I was married, I'd expect him to pull his weight. The last husband didn't pull his weight so I divorced him because I didn't respect him anymore.
If she hates her job then she needs to get something else lined up first.
If this is a constant thing, anxiety about jobs then maybe she needs to go and see a therapist and try and work out what the problem is.
I have complex trauma with hallucination but I can still work full time with the right medication perfectly adequately as long as I keep on top of itwith therapy and so on.
A lot of people have underlying anxieties which can be treated and they can enjoy a full life again.

rwalker · 07/10/2022 10:06

She’s taking the piss

Topgub · 07/10/2022 10:07

Is she having an actual laugh?

In what universe is being a part time tine teacher harder work and more stressful than being a doctor?

She's ripping the piss big time

Rapunzel22 · 07/10/2022 10:09

You are a doctor and you don't seem to have any sympathy for her mental health?

MrsMinted · 07/10/2022 10:11

If recurring work stress or burnout is a problem then she should change job. But do this with a plan in mind, not just freak out and quit. Could she afford a life coach or career coach?

is she GOOD at her job? Where/what does she teach? If she is underperforming because she is in a tough school with a horrible SLT /HT/ department head, then it could be situational. A job change could resolve that.

if she is performing well and “much loved” because she is throwing heaps of overtime at the job, then maybe the stress comes from inside herself and the feeling of needing to paddle hard to keep on top of work.

I do not know of a regular, well paid job is low stress. I am moderately well paid and I do lots of overtime AND self-study/ self-improvement to keep my skills sharp and updated. So either she’s going to take a less responsible job eg in retail or care work, or she’s got to figure out a coping strategy.

Encourage her to think through the problems and stress not just knee-jerk with another massive lifestyle change that will ALSO cause stress (being at home, reliant on you, for decades… not a good plan at all for her MH).

have you also considered menopause and peri as a source of her recent anxiety? It is a difficult time for women and sometimes it strikes early, don’t discount it.