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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want partner to stop work

157 replies

TooTiredToWork · 07/10/2022 08:17

My DW is a part time teacher and does not enjoy her job. It’s very stressful and she’s working far more hours than she is paid for. She’d love to quit. However she doesn’t have anything else lined up and has had changed career more than once due to stress at work

She would love to stop work altogether and for me to increase my hours to cover the shortfall. Her rationale is that I earn more than her so I wouldn’t have to do as much overtime as she currently works

Now I do enjoy my job and it’s not as stressful or as hard work as hers, but I am a doctor so it’s not without its stresses. I do the occasional extra shift to pay for a special holiday or similar but I don’t really want to commit to this regularly. I feel it would change the whole dynamic of our relationship if she wasn’t working and I was the sole earner. It feels like going back to the 1950s! We have one teenaged child so it’s not like we’d save on childcare or anything

I don’t want her to stay in a job that’s making her unhappy - and of course I can’t make her stay! But equally I want to have some family time and I don’t want to burn out. AIBU to suggest she doesn’t quit without something to go to?

OP posts:
uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:12

Exactly if I was on 150k plus - then I would absolutely let my partner quite their part time teaching job now they are middle aged. Plenty of threads on here with is 120k a year enough cash - get told to check their privilege. Well a middle aged medic earns at least that....

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 07/10/2022 13:13

She might be happier being a substitute teacher and temping. It's less responsibility.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 07/10/2022 13:25

I am not sure where the 150k plus stuff is coming from

www.bmj.com/careers/article/the-complete-guide-to-nhs-pay-for-doctors

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:28

@Tomorrowisalatterday he has a teen so chances are he is a consultant - i.e. because he talks about working weekends he is hospital rather than gp (gps dont work weekends on the whole or evenings). So chances are he is on at least 100k......many consultants also do private work...and therefore do earn 120-150k.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 07/10/2022 13:33

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:28

@Tomorrowisalatterday he has a teen so chances are he is a consultant - i.e. because he talks about working weekends he is hospital rather than gp (gps dont work weekends on the whole or evenings). So chances are he is on at least 100k......many consultants also do private work...and therefore do earn 120-150k.

But the pay scale I linked to does not suggest 100k for a consultant until 10 years experience as a consultant. And we have no idea if he picks up private work - which is very specialty dependent.

And you also said £150 plus before.

I don't think we should assume this enormous salary when we don't even know if the OP is a consultant or maybe still a registrar.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 13:37

Having a teenager doesn't mean they are middle aged!

What a presumption.

Regardless, the op states that in order for her to work less he would have to work more. Its not for you to invalidate that

Why should the whole financial burden fall to him regardless of what he earns because she can't be arsed to work?

The idea that men should be proud to earn enough so that women don't need to work is unbelievably sexist.

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:40

You get to 100k after 9 years as a consultant and thats basic no additions. Most medics I know - have kids in their 30s so will be mid40s-50 by the time they have a teen. Assuming they (no idea whether this is written by a man or woman - so apoogies for previous assumptions) but assuming they didnt take time off for maternity leave (unlike my female medic friends).....I would imagine a consultant age circa 45 who would indeed have 9 years as a consultant. Happy to be corrected. Either way the point stnads that they might not automatically need the part time salary the other partner is earning. So this is an issue of wanting their partner to have a salary and a job but not exactly the same as being on the breadline

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:41

@Topgub how many medics have yo met who have kid age 20?

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/10/2022 13:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2022 08:56

No way. She needs to find a different job and then she can quit this one. She’s taking the piss.

Totally this

Topgub · 07/10/2022 13:46

@uiyo7987

I know a few who had kids early to mid 20s

A teenager could mean anything from 12 to 18

None of that is relevant though.

XPD · 07/10/2022 13:48

Why isn't she working fulltime ? Lazy unless in ill health.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 07/10/2022 13:52

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 13:40

You get to 100k after 9 years as a consultant and thats basic no additions. Most medics I know - have kids in their 30s so will be mid40s-50 by the time they have a teen. Assuming they (no idea whether this is written by a man or woman - so apoogies for previous assumptions) but assuming they didnt take time off for maternity leave (unlike my female medic friends).....I would imagine a consultant age circa 45 who would indeed have 9 years as a consultant. Happy to be corrected. Either way the point stnads that they might not automatically need the part time salary the other partner is earning. So this is an issue of wanting their partner to have a salary and a job but not exactly the same as being on the breadline

But these are all assumptions - the OP could be earning anything from £60k to £150k really and still be a full time medic. Both the OP and their wife seem to feel like her salary is meaningful and would need to be made up for somehow so it seems a bit random to challenge that without any additional info from the OP.

Aria999 · 07/10/2022 13:58

YANBU not to want to be the only earner and not to work more so she can work less, but it sounds like she needs a break. Sometimes when you hate your job you just need to quit.

Could you afford to do without her salary in the short term (a few weeks) while she has a rest and figures out what to do next? Or do you feel under confident that she would actually look for something?

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 14:01

My only point was that perhaps they will actually be ok without her part time salary and OP having to do more overtime. I have known plenty of high earners who drive themselves into depression through trying to keep up a lifestyle rather than say - fine we will have less money but might be happier

cultkid · 07/10/2022 14:02

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 14:01

My only point was that perhaps they will actually be ok without her part time salary and OP having to do more overtime. I have known plenty of high earners who drive themselves into depression through trying to keep up a lifestyle rather than say - fine we will have less money but might be happier

I really agree with you

We have chosen to have less so I am here more, for our kids

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:03

@uiyo7987

The op has clearly said they can't afford it.

Even if they could theyre not ok with a '1950s' style arrangement

Tomorrowisalatterday · 07/10/2022 14:10

uiyo7987 · 07/10/2022 14:01

My only point was that perhaps they will actually be ok without her part time salary and OP having to do more overtime. I have known plenty of high earners who drive themselves into depression through trying to keep up a lifestyle rather than say - fine we will have less money but might be happier

But the OP doesn't want to do more overtime. Would you want to work more than full time doing nights/weekends because your DH didn't want to work even part time?

WhackingPhoenix · 07/10/2022 14:11

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if it’s already been suggested but could she do supply teaching instead? Less stressful as she can go home and close the book, essentially. I think she would be entirely unreasonable to quit work altogether.

cultkid · 07/10/2022 14:12

@Topgub but it's not a 1950s arrangement it's just an arrangement
I don't know why people get fixated on women having to work because the world has moved on as being their only justification

Holidays are a luxury and if you have the ability to have them then great and if you dont I know it's sad but you dont. If a holiday causes someone a nervous break down it's SO not worth it

My parents worked so hard when I was little and it really affected me so I don't work now with that being my reason. I've got attachment issues and I am working on them but I don't want to be away from my children for the sake of a holiday. Totally different circumstances in other families mean it's not possible for so many of them for a parent to be at home so it's right that they work to protect their child but if you are working and leaving a child alone to have a holiday then I couldn't do that personally

Nor would my husband or I expect the other to work through a nervous break down and depression so that we could pay for a holiday it's not worth it

You can do a holiday another time in your life or have a less luxury one if that's what it means to protect the Family unit and mental well being

neverbeenskiing · 07/10/2022 14:26

You are clearly concerned for your wife's wellbeing and don't want her to stay in a job she's not happy in. But as you rightly point out, picking up extra shifts to cover the shortfall when you are already working FT in a stressful role yourself is going to impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing. In a marriage, one person's health and happiness should not trump the others.

So, the only logical compromise is you support your DW to find a new, less stressful role as soon as possible and she then quits her job. Would you be open to her taking a small pay cut as long as it didn't mean you working additional hours? If so that widens her options considerably. I work in a school and people who have left teaching have successfully moved into the following roles

Teaching Assistant
School attendance officer
School admin
Working for a charity as a trainer
Manager in hospitality
University student support role
Family Support Worker for the council
Supply teacher
Private tuition
Counsellor (requires further training)
Working for local authority in school admissions

Babyboomtastic · 07/10/2022 14:28

Even if part time teaching = full time hours once you add in prep, it's still going to be a lot less hours than a full time doctor.

It's not a race to the bottom with work stress, but I suspect the OP is being exceptionally generous to his wife, when he says that his wife's part time job as a teacher is more stressful than his full time job as a teacher, who also takes on extra work at evenings and weekends in the NHS. The same NHS that his wife had to leave due to stress.

It sounds to me like the OPs wife struggles with managing stress in work situations, more than her life bring intrinsically stressful.

If her current school is too stressful then moving schools rather than leaving the job is good option. Maybe she could get some support to help build up resilience, or equally, leave teaching and find another job that brings in a similar income - or go back to the NHS?

I don't think quitting and putting more on the OP, who already works far longer hours, is a healthy or fair option.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:35

@cultkid

That's how the op described it.

The op didn't say anything about the wife being close to a nervous break down or only working to fund holidays or not working to be with kids so you're projecting there.

If your oh is happy to fund you not working then obviously thats up to them.

The op isn't. I wouldnt be either.

cultkid · 07/10/2022 14:39

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:35

@cultkid

That's how the op described it.

The op didn't say anything about the wife being close to a nervous break down or only working to fund holidays or not working to be with kids so you're projecting there.

If your oh is happy to fund you not working then obviously thats up to them.

The op isn't. I wouldnt be either.

Good job I didn't marry you then.

cultkid · 07/10/2022 14:39

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:35

@cultkid

That's how the op described it.

The op didn't say anything about the wife being close to a nervous break down or only working to fund holidays or not working to be with kids so you're projecting there.

If your oh is happy to fund you not working then obviously thats up to them.

The op isn't. I wouldnt be either.

I look after our family. That is a job.

Topgub · 07/10/2022 14:42

@cultkid

Yeah, I didnt ask you to marry me. Neither dud the op. Weirdly enough.

If you need to view your choice to not have paid work to look after your family as a job, thats fine.

Its not how I'd describe it.