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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Tootels · 06/10/2022 08:52

W00p · 06/10/2022 08:30

I'd love this. Is this your first baby? I've got three, youngest is 2 months old and tbh I'd probably hand them over to the child catcher if it meant a week abroad child free.

Funny aren't you?

Geranium1984 · 06/10/2022 08:52

It really depends on what your baby is like and the relationship with grandparents. If baby isn't too clingy and spends plenty of nights happily with grandparents between now and then it might be ok. The grandparents will need to be super responsible and 'on to it' to take on a toddler for nearly a week!

Our son (2.2yo) is a real clinger. He's been in nursery for over a year and still cries before he leaves the house and if I'm more than 10mins late collecting him in the afternoon. He is very anxious and although I have had offers from his aunt and a good friend to have him for the night so we can use a Mr & Mrs smith voucher we got for our wedding (original booking canceled because of covid) I haven't thought he would cope well so I've not left him.

Am due my second baby in a few weeks and have various options of friend, family and his regular babysitter lined up to look after him whilst I'm in hospital but I'm really hoping that my husband won't be gone for more than one night as i know he will be in a state.

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 06/10/2022 08:53

My first thought was that he wants a week of sex, but I am a bit of a cynic.

PinkTonic · 06/10/2022 08:53

Coffeetree · 06/10/2022 08:06

People totally missing the point here!

Booking without the baby was a judgement call, no big deal.

But equally, adding the baby now should also be no big deal. The booking is a year away! Just a few phone calls, sorted.

The fact that he's sulking and being secretive now is really really weird. And "there's a reason" baby can't go and you don't get to know? (And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

(And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

what on earth do you think an adults only hotel is that is grim AF? 😂

Hadjab · 06/10/2022 08:54

C1N1C · 06/10/2022 07:51

I don't have kids and it might show now... but as an outsider I hear constantly from those that do about being woken up at night, the endless slog, the lack of intimate couples time, the expensive holidays where kids have to be catered for, the reduction in 'fun' activities you used to do while dating...

Obviously kids are great, but these are the negatives I hear. As a couple, we go on a city break a month, as we LOVE travelling, and I would DEFINITELY miss it even with a child that I would love to the ends of the earth.

I get you'll miss your child, and he shouldn't have done it without consulting you, but try to see this as what it is... a husband trying to spend some uninterrupted time with his wife. You get a lot of man-hating comments on here, and now people are trying to tear down an actual good one.

This!

Musti · 06/10/2022 08:54

He definitely should have checked, and no I wouldn’t have left my baby for a holiday abroad at that age (but some people are fine about this and that’s ok).

SalviaOfficinalis · 06/10/2022 08:54

PinkTonic · 06/10/2022 08:53

(And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

what on earth do you think an adults only hotel is that is grim AF? 😂

Show quote history

I was wondering this… an adults only hotel isn’t an orgy, there’s just no screaming kids running around!

Tootels · 06/10/2022 08:54

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 06/10/2022 08:53

My first thought was that he wants a week of sex, but I am a bit of a cynic.

Exactly my thought

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 06/10/2022 08:55

I wouldn't want to leave mine for that long now at 2 and 3! It's personal preference.

pinkunicorns54 · 06/10/2022 08:55

I think when my little one was 5 months I would have felt the same as you, but by the time they were 15 months, I would have loved the idea 🤣.

Baby is still very little and your still settling into baby life.

So to answer, if I was presented this at 5months, I would have been annoyed too!

KimberleyClark · 06/10/2022 08:55

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 06/10/2022 08:53

My first thought was that he wants a week of sex, but I am a bit of a cynic.

More crazy Mumsnet logic. He’s being an unreasonable selfish arse for wanting to have sex with his wife.

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:57

@Itsnotallblackandwhite if the OP goes on this trip make an absolute bloody point about not being a week of sex. Be so exhausted by the sightseeing and all the activities that she collapse into bed and catches upon her beauty sleep that he’s so thoughtfully arranged for her.

Arenanewbie · 06/10/2022 08:57

I’d be wondering why my dh didn't actually know me enough to realise I might not like this idea.
This^ 100%
I can imagine my DH mistakenly suggesting this in a conversation but not going ahead and booking the whole thing without asking me first.

Foxglovers · 06/10/2022 08:57

I think he has actually been pretty selfish but trying to disguise it as doing something nice for the two of you (I.e HIM!) absolutely nothing wrong with someone leaving their 15 mth old with grandparents if they wanted a break but it should be something discussed and both parent should feel 100% comfortable with. There’s no way I would have left mine even for a night at 15 months…and I’d have been furious if my partner had tried to push this on me…although as a pp has said - mine would’ve known me and known that wasn’t on the cards at all for me! He would’ve been happy to for a night or two but I wouldn’t have even wanted to do that. It’s kind of hurtful that he has done this with know idea how you would be feeling then. My youngest is 15 months and she is very much still a baby who cries when I leave the room! I hope you can talk to him more without him making this about him and how he might’ve thought it would be nice. It’s absolutely not a nice surprise unless he knew you wanted it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2022 08:57

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:46

I forgot to add, when I asked if we can add little one on to the booking he said there's a reason we can't take him.
So I can only assume it is an adults only hotel or something 🤔

This would be a hard no for me. My thoughts are that he’s very specifically chosen an adults only trip and is railroading you. No way would I have been ok to leave dd with a GP and go abroad for almost a week. A couple of nights close by is another matter but I’d be ensuring there is enough of a bond with the grandparent(s) / aunt etc and building this up.

As for never having left our kids @Heyahun, not all of us have childcare options. The only time I left dd was when she was about 15 months and dh looked after her for 2 nights. I was breastfeeding so needed to express both before to build up supply and during the trip away.

Summerfun54321 · 06/10/2022 08:58

Mine are primary and pre-school and I wouldn’t want 5 days abroad without them. Not everyone relishes the thought of being child free for prolonged periods. It’s ok to feel protective of them and miss them and for that to impact your holiday. He’s made a call that should have been a joint decision.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 08:58

Newgirls · 06/10/2022 08:33

He was probably expecting praise for his big ta-da moment and it backfired.

I agree with poster above he finds it easy t separate from baby at the moment and assumed you are the same. The sulky behaviour now is very childish on his part. He really could have talked to you about it first.

Where does the OP say he is sulking?

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:59

KimberleyClark · 06/10/2022 08:55

More crazy Mumsnet logic. He’s being an unreasonable selfish arse for wanting to have sex with his wife.

Show quote history

@KimberleyClark He is a selfish arse if he’s getting rid of their baby in order to do so.

Pretty sure they probably have sex at home but it’s obviously not to the standard he requires with the poor little boy not too far away

Noln · 06/10/2022 08:59

My oldest is 7, my youngest 5 and I'm not ready to leave them for a week. 2 nights is the most so far. But then a close friend has left hers every year for a weeks holiday with her husband since they were 1. So everyone has different ideas of what works for them meaning you'll get a range of responses. What counts is what you are comfortable with and there is no right or wrong answer.

Can it not be changed to a two night mini break in a nice UK city? There's no need for your husband to be defensive you can explain you really appreciate the thought and really want to spend time together for your anniversary but that Mon - Fri is just too long. You could even say you didn't realise it was too long until you thought about it so you don't expect him to have known. Ultimately if he wants this to be a nice anniversary trip you need to be comfortable. Surely he wouldn't want you to not fully be able to relax and enjoy it?

Don't be pushed to 'see how you feel closer to the time' because that just makes changing/cancelling harder and makes the whole trip more inevitable.

Twiglets1 · 06/10/2022 08:59

Dirtylittleroses · 06/10/2022 08:52

Eh what? You think it’s lovely he did this without discussion, is annoyed if she questions and doesn’t even tell her why the child can’t come? On what planet is this lovely?

Show quote history

I would have perceived it as lovely if my husband had arranged a surprise holiday for when my baby was over the age of 1 (so no longer as physically dependent with breastfeeding), chosen and booked a hotel and most importantly, arranged the childcare. Very different from the husbands we often read about on MN who never try to do anything nice or romantic for their partners.

I appeciate we are all different but I do see it as a lovely idea by OPs husband. It's a shame that she doesn't feel the same way.

Luana1 · 06/10/2022 09:00

A weekend away at that age would be fine, but I wouldn't even leave my 5 year old for a week! Seems so strange that he didn't run this by you first.

Nidan2Sandan · 06/10/2022 09:00

I would give my right arm for a week away abroad without the kids 😁

I think you need to take a step back here, the holiday is 10 months away and you might feel differently then..

DH has tried to do something really nice, probably thought you might enjoy the child free break.

billy1966 · 06/10/2022 09:02

StopFeckingFaffing · 06/10/2022 07:40

I would feel the same as you. He should have checked with you first.

I'm not saying it is wrong to go away and leave baby with grandparents but both parents need to be comfortable with the plan.

Absolutely this.

You have a baby now, it changes everything.

He took your agency away from you and whatever his intention it is not acceptable.

Him getting angry with you is also not acceptable.

I agree with @Sticktothetopic 5 months might be easier that 15 months.

A local hotel night away could possibly be a nice surprise.

Going to another country absolutely not.

Does he know you at all?

I casual probing conversation with you could have easily established your view on this.

Why he never took the chance to quietly check is odd.

Do not be guilted into feeling bad about not being happy about him making a unilateral decision like this.

If this is a fait accompli and non changeable I would be unhappy.

MilliwaysUniverse · 06/10/2022 09:03

I went away with DH when our DS was 15 months, but he had regular overnight stays with my parents anyway. We usually had one holiday without DS a year, and then one with him. It worked for us, but it's so individual isn't it?

fifi1989 · 06/10/2022 09:03

I wouldn’t be away from a 15 month old baby for more than one night. 4-5 nights is way way too long.