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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 06/10/2022 08:38

Suggesting it; fine.

Full on planning and booking it without any preliminary fishing casual convos about how nice it would be to get away together when the baby’s oh, a year, 18 months, - so he can gauge whether you agree and would like it is not thoughtful.

He has no reason to assume she’d like it and I would suspect he reckons if he asked he’d get a no so has forced her hand. Dressing it up as a birthday treat piles the pressure on her to not be an ungrateful cow at such a lovely thoughtful thing.

Amazing neither his father nor mother queried whether he hadn’t better check. Or are the type that champ at the bit for their “alone time” with the baby? Three people who know you well and didn’t think you might not want to leave your baby for 5 days. No judgement on those who are happy to leave their babies with trusted adults for 5 days but enough of us don’t for it not to be a given.

romdowa · 06/10/2022 08:39

I'd have just told dp thanks but no thanks and told him to enjoy your holiday. I'm taking my baby on our honeymoon.

DucklingDaisy · 06/10/2022 08:39

C1N1C · 06/10/2022 07:51

I don't have kids and it might show now... but as an outsider I hear constantly from those that do about being woken up at night, the endless slog, the lack of intimate couples time, the expensive holidays where kids have to be catered for, the reduction in 'fun' activities you used to do while dating...

Obviously kids are great, but these are the negatives I hear. As a couple, we go on a city break a month, as we LOVE travelling, and I would DEFINITELY miss it even with a child that I would love to the ends of the earth.

I get you'll miss your child, and he shouldn't have done it without consulting you, but try to see this as what it is... a husband trying to spend some uninterrupted time with his wife. You get a lot of man-hating comments on here, and now people are trying to tear down an actual good one.

You’re right, it does show.

It’s mainly not about missing the kid, it‘s about worrying they’ll feel abandoned and be very upset the whole time. I’d happily go away for a few days if I thought my 10 month old wouldn’t mind. My three year old would also be upset but at least I could explain it and FaceTime with her.

Not everyone with small kids feels the same, I imagine it helps if the grandparents are already doing regular childcare which isn’t the case here, but the idea it’s ‘manhating’ to object to this because he’s just doing something nice is for the birds.

FloorWipes · 06/10/2022 08:42

I’d be getting that holiday cancelled.

MayThe4th · 06/10/2022 08:44

It's not the holiday without the baby that is an issue though is it? it's the fact that this has just been arranged without even considering that the op might not want to leave her baby for a week. there's no way I would have.

If he knows anything about the op at all he should know how she might feel about leaving him so has taken the decision out of her hands.

I'd be pretty pissed off about that.

BuffyFanForever · 06/10/2022 08:44

Agree with others that it’s abit insensitive but I’m guessing it’s more of a something to look forward to and also a hint that perhaps you need some time together as a couple. Look forward to it. 5 days isn’t too long and if you do a few weekends before then you and baby will get used to the idea?

GreyGoose1980 · 06/10/2022 08:44

I think this is just a misunderstanding Where neither person is being unreasonable. Your DH wanted to book a nice surprise which is why he didn’t talk to you about it but obviously it won’t work as your DC is still so young. I’d feel the same about leaving my DC at that age but DP probably wouldn’t up the same extent.

LightDrizzle · 06/10/2022 08:45

At least with this notice he should be able to switch hotels at very little cost and add a child on lap to the flight booking.

underneaththeash · 06/10/2022 08:45

I think it's a good idea to sometimes have time as a couple and not as a family.

I've left mine every year for a holiday with my husband (and later on friends).

bloodyplanes · 06/10/2022 08:46

Maybe he just wants to spend some one on one time with his wife? Not unreasonable or wrong of him! However if you don't feel comfortable doing it then don't because you will spoil it by spending the whole time worrying about your dc!

Sticktothetopic · 06/10/2022 08:46

Is it? Why?

I don’t object to anybody doing it if they want to, but I don’t think it’s something that’s a good idea in the same way that say eating veg is.

Tootels · 06/10/2022 08:47

Mine are 10 and 12 and I've not gone away without them. If we can afford a holiday I want them to enjoy it too. You might feel different and nice he's a little older.

I don't see how a 15 month old will be more independent than a 5 month though. 😂😂

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:48

I went on a honeymoon when DD was 12 months old, I lasted from Sunday to Wednesday before I i missed her much my heart physically eight the last three days I just wanted to go home kids.

I think you must underestimate how much need to be with them for your well-being.

DogInATent · 06/10/2022 08:48

Some MNetters are effing bonkers.

(And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.
Adults Only doesn't mean a swinging holiday at Centre Parcs. It just means no kids.

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.
Or he's realised that unless he forces the issue you're destined to fall into the trap of you defining yourself as "mother" for the next 30 years unless he periodically reminds you that you're you with a bit of time to yourselves.

The timing may be a little early, but there's nothing wrong with the concept. Maybe take that approach with him. Get it nudged back 6-8 months.

You've got GPs willing to take the kids for 4 nights. In most threads that would earn you bitter jealousy and envy from those that want a break but don't have that option. And to those that are saying they've never had more than one night apart from their children by choice, that's not good for you or them.

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:48

*ached not eight

lannistunut · 06/10/2022 08:49

underneaththeash · 06/10/2022 08:45

I think it's a good idea to sometimes have time as a couple and not as a family.

I've left mine every year for a holiday with my husband (and later on friends).

It is just something you want to do. But it is not an objectively 'good idea' - just your preference.

I am happy the way I do things. People are all different.

ChampagneLassie · 06/10/2022 08:49

Well what's the reason? I'd be wanting to understand and suggest we plan a bit more carefully, step by step, maybe a night first. My baby 6 months, most I've left with anyone else is 3 hrs I'd hope by 15 months we could do a day or night but I wouldn't want to be held to it. I've just come back from Sani which is a lovely compromise of swish adult hotel with loads of childcare and child friendly dinning.

roarfeckingroarr · 06/10/2022 08:50

I would be annoyed at the assumption and much more annoyed that he was annoyed at being questioned

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 06/10/2022 08:50

It's NOT a nice thing if it's something the OP doesn't want. Can't people understand that? It's similar to the cup of tea analogy about consent. If you ask someone if they want a cup of tea and they say yes - great! But if you present someone with a cup of tea, and they don't drink tea or don't want tea so you get angry at them for not wanting tea - that's not doing something nice, that's ignoring their needs, and if you force them to drink the tea they don't want how is that "nice" for them?

Someone bought me an experience I didn't want once. I asked could I change it as I wasn't comfortable about it and my whole family made me feel ungrateful, as it was a "nice" thought this person had had. So I did it, hated it, and still seeth about it. It wasn't nice for me but the gift buyer got to feel good about it, and everyone thought it was such a nice thought, which is what it was really about.

Twiglets1 · 06/10/2022 08:50

As long as he sorted out the childcare and the grandparents said they were happy to do it, I think it was a lovely idea. It's 10 months away, plenty of time to get your head aroung leaving the baby with their grandparents for 4 nights so you can have some time off with your husband which should be great for you and your relationship.

Dirtylittleroses · 06/10/2022 08:50

Why are you having to assume it’s adults only. What’s wrong in your marriage that your communication is so terrible. Surely when he says there is a reason you ask what it is. And he’s booked this without discussing with uou

rhe issue isn’t the holiday it’s the fact there is no communication

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/10/2022 08:51

I wouldn't do this with my own 15 month old because he only sees grandparents every 3 weeks or so, and they are elderly so I wouldn't be confident of them managing if he was ill or something went wrong. I also think it's very stressful for a child to be away from parents at that age unless they are doing it frequently. However I would probably do it if the grandparents were younger and capable and I had a higher level of confidence in them.
An alternative would be 1 or 2 nights in the UK to begin with? I think the thought is nice but it's one of those things that men and women see differently. A longer trip abroad would be great when they are 3 or so.
For now I think he should cancel it and agree that in future you will discuss these issues first

Dirtylittleroses · 06/10/2022 08:52

Twiglets1 · 06/10/2022 08:50

As long as he sorted out the childcare and the grandparents said they were happy to do it, I think it was a lovely idea. It's 10 months away, plenty of time to get your head aroung leaving the baby with their grandparents for 4 nights so you can have some time off with your husband which should be great for you and your relationship.

Eh what? You think it’s lovely he did this without discussion, is annoyed if she questions and doesn’t even tell her why the child can’t come? On what planet is this lovely?

Tiptopmountain · 06/10/2022 08:52

We have hands on grandparents who absolutely love having our LO over for sleepovers at least once a month. He’s been staying there since he was just 1 and we take adult only holidays a couple of times a year and love it (we also take plenty of holidays with our LO).

personally I would have loved the surprise and you’ve got the plenty of time to build up to it (IF you’ve got family who would want to look after your LO for that long and you would be happy with it).

No right or wrong, it’s a personal decision.

But we find the trips away do wonders for our relationship and the best thing for our child is us having a strong relationship and still having fun together. Obviously this only works when you have good and enthusiastic family support, which is very luckily and not a given.

Hillary17 · 06/10/2022 08:52

Neither of you are in the wrong here but there’s been a massive lack of communication on an issue that is clearly important to you. I personally wouldn’t agree to leave for a week; I’d be too worried and it just wouldn’t be fun for me, although I’m sure baby would be fine.