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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Sirius3030 · 06/10/2022 09:04

Well, he is a man and this is Mumsnet, so clearly despite trying to do something nice he will be pilloried and you should LTB.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2022 09:05

Dirtylittleroses · 06/10/2022 08:52

Eh what? You think it’s lovely he did this without discussion, is annoyed if she questions and doesn’t even tell her why the child can’t come? On what planet is this lovely?

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I agree. If my dh had done this to me, I would not have described it as ‘great for you [me] and my relationship’. It would have had exactly the opposite effect on my relationship with dh. As is, he never would have thought to do this… not that we had any family childcare options.

Arenanewbie · 06/10/2022 09:05

@ThatsTheWayIHikeIt wise words!

PuggyMum · 06/10/2022 09:05

Agree with pp who've said many people would be envious of having gp's who are willing to offer support. Many don't. I'd certainly love to have that option.

I've been able to get away a few times with dh to festivals while dd was little. She's stayed with friends and we've returned the favour. My mum helps but can't really do overnights.

This is a topic that will always divide opinion but personally I think your dh has done what he thought to be a lovely surprise, booked it and arranged childcare. How many men get roasted on here for leaving all the organising to the women? Mental load and all that.

He can't really win.

rookiemere · 06/10/2022 09:07

YANBU however well intentioned it was, leaving your baby with GPs for a 4 night break abroad is something that should have been discussed and agreed before booking.

DH and I did go away for a few breaks when DS was young but 2 nights max and always in the UK and I wouldn't have felt that comfortable going abroad for that length of time.

As to what you do about it now - well I'm not sure. Find out the details and see if you can add on DC maybe by going to a different hotel ? Accept that it's going to happen and get DC used to extended time with GPs ? I honestly don't know.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 09:08

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:57

@Itsnotallblackandwhite if the OP goes on this trip make an absolute bloody point about not being a week of sex. Be so exhausted by the sightseeing and all the activities that she collapse into bed and catches upon her beauty sleep that he’s so thoughtfully arranged for her.

Maybe she enjoys having sex with her husband.

RoachTheHorse · 06/10/2022 09:08

This is a situation where neither way of doing things is wrong, people will have different views. Your H should have discussed it with you that's all.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/10/2022 09:11

He can't really win.

Of course he could have. All he had to do was to research the holiday, check with the grandparents they'd be able to look after the toddler, and then ask the OP before he went ahead and booked it. (The 'surprise' element is irrelevant as he's told her it's happening already, just presented her with a fait accompli.)

DH does all our holiday bookings - fully consulting me. It's great. He'd have never dreamed of not discussing anything like this with me.

DawkinsOldSpot · 06/10/2022 09:12

I’d be delighted by this, he’s organised for the little one to stay at grandparents so he’s considered the logistics of it.

it’s really important when you have kids to have that time just the two of you and this allows that. It sounds like a lovely thing that he’s done.

Beezknees · 06/10/2022 09:13

PuggyMum · 06/10/2022 09:05

Agree with pp who've said many people would be envious of having gp's who are willing to offer support. Many don't. I'd certainly love to have that option.

I've been able to get away a few times with dh to festivals while dd was little. She's stayed with friends and we've returned the favour. My mum helps but can't really do overnights.

This is a topic that will always divide opinion but personally I think your dh has done what he thought to be a lovely surprise, booked it and arranged childcare. How many men get roasted on here for leaving all the organising to the women? Mental load and all that.

He can't really win.

He could have discussed it with her first and made sure she was happy with it. It's not difficult.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 06/10/2022 09:14

DH and went to the USA for 2 weeks and left DS with my Dsis.

He was a good few months younger than your DC too.

We discussed it between us though and tbh he is more "Maternal" than I have ever been so it didn't bother me leaving DS.

We had a blast and make a point of going away without DS now 17 at least once a year. I do think it has helped our relationship enormously. 30yrs now and happier than ever.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 09:14

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 08:59

@KimberleyClark He is a selfish arse if he’s getting rid of their baby in order to do so.

Pretty sure they probably have sex at home but it’s obviously not to the standard he requires with the poor little boy not too far away

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Why are you making stuff up? Where does the OP say there is a problem with sex?

Mariposista · 06/10/2022 09:14

DawkinsOldSpot · 06/10/2022 09:12

I’d be delighted by this, he’s organised for the little one to stay at grandparents so he’s considered the logistics of it.

it’s really important when you have kids to have that time just the two of you and this allows that. It sounds like a lovely thing that he’s done.

Absolutely this.
And you can build up to it. First a night away when you are still at home. Then a weekend while you go on a UK mini break. The kid will probably have a great time, it's usually the parents who are panicking and clingy.

MyEasterEggs · 06/10/2022 09:14

My partner “surprised” me with two nights away for our anniversary when our daughter had just turned one. She ended up 200 miles away with his parents who she’d only met a handful of times, and I was still breastfeeding. It was a kind gesture but honestly one of the daftest things he’s ever done and that I stupidly agreed to because I felt guilty. My lasting memory is one of anxiously hand expressing in a train toilet on the way home because my boobs were about to explode despite using my pump that day! She had a supply of milk to keep her going and was totally fine but it wasn’t a fun situation for me. Even if he’d asked in advance rather than sprung it on me I’d have felt it was too soon. I wasn’t ready. But everyone is different 🙃

Beezknees · 06/10/2022 09:16

Twiglets1 · 06/10/2022 08:59

I would have perceived it as lovely if my husband had arranged a surprise holiday for when my baby was over the age of 1 (so no longer as physically dependent with breastfeeding), chosen and booked a hotel and most importantly, arranged the childcare. Very different from the husbands we often read about on MN who never try to do anything nice or romantic for their partners.

I appeciate we are all different but I do see it as a lovely idea by OPs husband. It's a shame that she doesn't feel the same way.

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That's fair enough, if you like that sort of thing. I HATE surprises and I'd absolutely hate anyone booking a surprise holiday for me. I'd expect my partner to know that about me.

EthicalNonMahogany · 06/10/2022 09:16

Makes me feel critical of him tbh.

He hasn't read up enough about having children - the nature of attachment and what they need and how toddlers can be at different ages.

Mind you some posters on this thread also seem to be getting the wrong end of the stick about why people don't leave their toddlers - it's not usually missing them or martyrdom or loss of identity. It's usually the child absolutely needing you and having not enough attachment to any other caregiver to make it feasible to leave them. We had no grandparents and a lovely nanny but 5 days /nights with her would have been far too much for mine at 15m.

It just makes me think he hasn't really worked out what it is to be a father - i.e. the need to check with OP about what things might look like in a year, and be aware that the dyad of her and the baby has its own needs, beyond OPs needs or the baby's needs or the father's needs.

Might be an honest mistake but OP needs to explain and tell him to do some reading.

TheBirdintheCave · 06/10/2022 09:17

He definitely should have asked you to double check that you would be ok with it before booking anything. Hopefully you come around to the idea though and you get to go and enjoy some alone time together :)

A fifteen month old will be totally fine with grandparents for five days :) At nine months old we left our son with my mum and dad for the same amount of time when we went on a trip to Venice.

Badger1970 · 06/10/2022 09:17

I wouldn't leave a 15 month old and go abroad.

This country? I'd consider it.

It's a nice gesture but I think he needed to have discussed it with you before booking it. And as a grandparent, the thought of having a 15 month old for 5 days kind of fills me with horror ...

LadyHarmby · 06/10/2022 09:18

DH has tried to do something really nice, probably thought you might enjoy the child free break

Which is fine but now he knows the OP will not enjoy it, he should be willing to change the plan, no? After all, he is meant to be doing something nice for her.

bakewellbride · 06/10/2022 09:18

I'd have been upset and confused in your shoes op. And there's no way I'd go.

LadyHarmby · 06/10/2022 09:19

I don’t think he was wrong to book it and the OP isn’t wrong for not wanting to do it.

The wrong bit is him getting the hump and refusing to change it.

MyEasterEggs · 06/10/2022 09:20

It’s clear he’s tried to do something special, but not given much if any thought to your feelings. And he might be a little embarrassed because your response wasn’t one of excitement! Maybe you can build up to it as you do have time to plan and get used to the idea. Or…maybe you can change the plan and do something shorter and closer to home?

rookiemere · 06/10/2022 09:20

@Mariposista it's not remotely "clingy " to not be overjoyed by the thought of 4 nights away - and even more nights away to build up to this joyous event.

I'm not an especially good DM - we went away for a night when DS was 12 weeks old and I was bloody delighted to get some sleep - but even I can see that this is a big deal to present as a fait accompli.

WingingItSince1973 · 06/10/2022 09:20

My dh did this when dd3 was 18 months old. He'd booked a long weekend in Paris for our anniversary. He knew I always wanted to go. Mil and fil had all 3 dds for the duration. It was bliss. I'd had 18 months of dd not sleeping and was so desperate for a break. She had a fab time with her gps. In fact so much of a good time that when we went to collect them I was fully expecting her to be rushing up to me. She didn't 🤣 Anyway she's 16 now and not scarred at all and we have memories of a lovely weekend away xxx

Beezknees · 06/10/2022 09:20

Mariposista · 06/10/2022 09:14

Absolutely this.
And you can build up to it. First a night away when you are still at home. Then a weekend while you go on a UK mini break. The kid will probably have a great time, it's usually the parents who are panicking and clingy.

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If OP doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. Why are strangers online trying to tell her how she should be living? What's right for you might not be right for someone else.

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