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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
FayeGovan · 06/10/2022 07:39

Id be wondering why my dh didn't actually know me enough to realise i might not like this idea.

BuffaloCauliflower · 06/10/2022 07:40

He definitely shouldn’t have assumed. Some parents feel ok leaving their small ones at this age, others don’t, it’s really personal and you don’t know how you’ll feel at the time. At 5m I’d have felt the same as you about leaving him at 15m. He’s nearly 2 and I still haven’t left him over night though I know others who have and that’s worked for them. It should have been a joint discussion/conversation.

RockAndRollerskate · 06/10/2022 07:40

I don’t think either of you are wrong. It was nice of him to do, but also really thoughtless and I wouldn’t be pleased if it was me. Can you compromise and go for fewer days or being baby along?

Hibernationsetting · 06/10/2022 07:40

I would think this was a lovely thing for him to have done, and be really looking forward to it. It’s 10 months away, that’s a long time.

StopFeckingFaffing · 06/10/2022 07:40

I would feel the same as you. He should have checked with you first.

I'm not saying it is wrong to go away and leave baby with grandparents but both parents need to be comfortable with the plan.

GrabMyParaplu · 06/10/2022 07:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MojoMoon · 06/10/2022 07:41

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

There is nothing wrong with leaving a 15 month old with their grandparents, assuming they are good at caring for him and have established a strong relationship with him by then.

But also, there is nothing wrong that you don't want to leave him for quite a long period yet.

Sticktothetopic · 06/10/2022 07:42

I actually would have been more comfortable leaving a 5 MO than a 15mo.

I am not convinced DS really knew or cared who I was before about 6/7 months. By 12 months he most certainly did and was very upset when I wasn’t around. 15 months was a very clingy phase here.

Hotandbothereds · 06/10/2022 07:42

Well, as it’s a year away you have plenty of time to think about it, I think it’s nice he’s gone to the trouble of arranging the holiday and childcare.

Surely if it comes to it you can get a cot in your room, but by then you might feel absolutely fine leaving him with his grandparents anyway.

I don’t think it’s fair to be mad at your husband about it, he’s trying to do a nice thing.

PinkButtercups · 06/10/2022 07:42

MojoMoon · 06/10/2022 07:41

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

There is nothing wrong with leaving a 15 month old with their grandparents, assuming they are good at caring for him and have established a strong relationship with him by then.

But also, there is nothing wrong that you don't want to leave him for quite a long period yet.

I think thats bit of a jump there.

I wouldn't want to leave DS but maybe he thought he'd be a nice thing to do? If you don't feel comfortable with it just add him on.

luxxlisbon · 06/10/2022 07:43

By 15 months your baby will be a full blown toddler, most likely in childcare and a lot more independent than they are right now.
There is no right or wrong here, your husband was trying to do a nice thing, if perhaps misguided booking so early and as a surprise.
If it can’t be cancelled then just wait until much closer to the time, you might be feeling completely different by that point.

Wowzers12 · 06/10/2022 07:43

I can't see my DH doing this at all.
If he did for some reason I can't see him getting annoyed with me over it, he'd probably hold his hands up that he made an error in judgement and we'd discuss adding baby onto the booking.

He seems like he's being very unreasonable.

03X · 06/10/2022 07:44

It’s weird he didn’t ask, we don’t do childfree holidays & wouldn’t want to! Other families do, that’s absolutely fine. But you should at least talk about it.

Lockheart · 06/10/2022 07:44

If it were me I think I'd take his hand off if he offered me the chance of a relaxed child-free week!

Could you wait and see how you feel in a few months and make contingency plans if you're still not happy?

Hotandbothereds · 06/10/2022 07:45

MojoMoon · 06/10/2022 07:41

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

There is nothing wrong with leaving a 15 month old with their grandparents, assuming they are good at caring for him and have established a strong relationship with him by then.

But also, there is nothing wrong that you don't want to leave him for quite a long period yet.

Huge, huge assumption there, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend time just as a couple even though you have kids.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 07:45

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

Alternatively, he wanted to do something nice for his wife so she has a chance to relax. 🙄

Original poster
Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:46

I forgot to add, when I asked if we can add little one on to the booking he said there's a reason we can't take him.
So I can only assume it is an adults only hotel or something 🤔

OP posts:
sandgrown · 06/10/2022 07:46

Your baby will be older and more independent by then . You have time to establish a good relationship with grandparents. I think your husband was trying to do something nice and to allow you to have time as a couple. This is important even when you have children. There will be lot of opportunities to have holidays with your baby .

Merlott · 06/10/2022 07:48

This is absolutely bizarre. It is not a nice surprise it is deeply unpleasant that he didn't discuss the idea with you beforehand. He is not acting like a father!

I bet now he is sulking and making this all about his feelings?

It's time for a very big conversation about parenting values, for both of you to establish common ground.

110APiccadilly · 06/10/2022 07:48

StopFeckingFaffing · 06/10/2022 07:40

I would feel the same as you. He should have checked with you first.

I'm not saying it is wrong to go away and leave baby with grandparents but both parents need to be comfortable with the plan.

This precisely.

DH and I have a saying we use to each other, "Don't be helpful." It doesn't really mean that, it means don't try and do helpful things for the other person without checking they are actually helpful. We've had lots of cases of supposedly helpful actions which aren't (from both of us) and then of course you end up with a row and someone saying, "I was only trying to help!"

This sounds similar; he thinks he's booked a nice surprise, but it's just not.

Topseyt123 · 06/10/2022 07:49

I think he certainly should have discussed it with you to gauge whether or not you would be comfortable with it. I would have felt similar to you when mine were that age.

I guess his intentions were good though.

C1N1C · 06/10/2022 07:51

I don't have kids and it might show now... but as an outsider I hear constantly from those that do about being woken up at night, the endless slog, the lack of intimate couples time, the expensive holidays where kids have to be catered for, the reduction in 'fun' activities you used to do while dating...

Obviously kids are great, but these are the negatives I hear. As a couple, we go on a city break a month, as we LOVE travelling, and I would DEFINITELY miss it even with a child that I would love to the ends of the earth.

I get you'll miss your child, and he shouldn't have done it without consulting you, but try to see this as what it is... a husband trying to spend some uninterrupted time with his wife. You get a lot of man-hating comments on here, and now people are trying to tear down an actual good one.

Snowpaw · 06/10/2022 07:52

How much time is the child spending with the grandparents between now and then? If they are caring for the baby on a semi regular basis (like a day a week) between now and then I think I'd feel alright about it, as they'd really get to know the child's needs / routines / personality etc and the child would trust them and feel comfortable with them but if they are only occasional contact type grandparents it would feel like a big jump for them having to care for the child for a week, and that's something I wouldn't be able to relax about whilst on holiday.

5zeds · 06/10/2022 07:52

I’d have said “no thank you“. It wouldn’t have been fun for me at all.

Iheartmykyndle · 06/10/2022 07:52

My DH wouldn't even ask me to leave the kids for 5 days, let alone book something. We've done the odd night away for birthdays and anniversaries or to go to weddings so I'm not opposed to leaving them but I wouldn't enjoy going away for so long without them (even if the ungrateful wretches don't seem to miss me as much as I miss them).