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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Jadech · 06/10/2022 08:04

By 15 months old you will be glad of the rest 😂 I've never left my children for more than one night and I wish I had more opportunity too. They are mega clingy and won't be left too long. I think it's best they get used to it from a young age.

As it's a good few months away can you build up to it? Sleepover's at grandparents etc.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 06/10/2022 08:05

Why is he making decisions like that without your involvement? I find booking a holiday without discussing it before odd anyway, presumably he's spending your family money on this. I think it's particularly odd to compound that by making a unilateral decision to go without your child. The take the child or not question is one you should share together. I wouldn't judge either way, I couldn't have left me DD at that age because there's no way she would have settled that long without me but for others it may work. Point is I would need to be part of the decision making.

shopshoparoo · 06/10/2022 08:06

It’s a lovely gesture and I would be grateful but also he should understand if you feel uncomfortable with it and be prepared to change plans or to leave them open to see how you feel in a few months time. You may feel differently in a few months time so it could be good to leave it open…..
if he doesn’t understand this then his is being unreasonable

Coffeetree · 06/10/2022 08:06

People totally missing the point here!

Booking without the baby was a judgement call, no big deal.

But equally, adding the baby now should also be no big deal. The booking is a year away! Just a few phone calls, sorted.

The fact that he's sulking and being secretive now is really really weird. And "there's a reason" baby can't go and you don't get to know? (And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2022 08:09

Hotandbothereds · 06/10/2022 08:04

With a year to think about it?

A lot can change in that amount of time, there’s no need to make such a snap decision about what was planned as a nice surprise.

Show quote history

Cancel it now and get the money back. In a few months he'll have a new reason like "we'll lose the full amount".

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 06/10/2022 08:09

So he and his parents have decided between them to separate you from your 15 month old for 5 days, without passing it by you first!? I have a toddler granddaughter and if my son in law came to me saying "Can you have the little one while I take 'Gemma' away for 5 days?", my absolute first response would be "Is Gemma OK with that?" Although I know my husband would just say "Yeah that's great, we'd love to have her" without thinking how our daughter would feel about it all.

YANBU at all. It's sad that he wanted to do something nice and it's backfired but that's his fault not yours.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 06/10/2022 08:09

110APiccadilly · 06/10/2022 07:48

This precisely.

DH and I have a saying we use to each other, "Don't be helpful." It doesn't really mean that, it means don't try and do helpful things for the other person without checking they are actually helpful. We've had lots of cases of supposedly helpful actions which aren't (from both of us) and then of course you end up with a row and someone saying, "I was only trying to help!"

This sounds similar; he thinks he's booked a nice surprise, but it's just not.

Show quote history

A very wise saying. I like it.

Maray1967 · 06/10/2022 08:11

Folks are different- but there is no way I would have left mine overnight with anyone other than DH at that stage. Both of mine were clingy toddlers at night.
I wouldn’t have this issue because my DH wouldn’t have done this - he asked if it was ok to book us a night away with his parents doing childcare when DS was 6!
Your call - but I would tell him now that I won’t be going without baby so he needs to change the booking.

carmenitapink · 06/10/2022 08:12

MojoMoon · 06/10/2022 07:41

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

There is nothing wrong with leaving a 15 month old with their grandparents, assuming they are good at caring for him and have established a strong relationship with him by then.

But also, there is nothing wrong that you don't want to leave him for quite a long period yet.

Gosh how negative!

Or he wants you be able to relax after seeing how tired and stressed you are and wants to be able to look forward to a point in the future where you can reconnect!

For a website that often goes on about terrible men, please can we encourage OP to be grateful that her husband has tried to do something special for the two of them.

You will likely feel different when your baby is 15 months. It's such a long way away!

Magenta82 · 06/10/2022 08:13

I would love it but clearly you are not keen, this kind of thing is a really personal choice.

You are feeling like he doesn't know or understand you, he feels like his lovely gift that was supposed to be a treat, and all the effort he put in to setting it up, is being rejected.

It sounds like you need to have a chat and both try to understand how the other is feeling.

Echobelly · 06/10/2022 08:13

I think was trying to do a nice thing and assumed you'd be OK with it by then. Ideally, yes, he should have discussed with you, but I do think he meant well and assumed you'd love a break from DC rather than feeling worried/upset about it. I think it's perfectly OK to leave a child that age with their grandparents if grandparents are happy to do so and the child is familiar with them - we certainly went on long weekends when one of ours were around that age,

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 08:14

Mumsnet logic:

My husband never sorts babysitters or plans anything nice for our anniversary
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

My husband has booked a holiday and arranged childcare almost a year in advance to give us time to get used to leaving baby for short period
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

luxxlisbon · 06/10/2022 08:14

Coffeetree · 06/10/2022 08:06

People totally missing the point here!

Booking without the baby was a judgement call, no big deal.

But equally, adding the baby now should also be no big deal. The booking is a year away! Just a few phone calls, sorted.

The fact that he's sulking and being secretive now is really really weird. And "there's a reason" baby can't go and you don't get to know? (And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

What is “grim AF” about an adults only hotel??
Lighten up, kids don’t need to be part of everything!

Quitelikeacatslife · 06/10/2022 08:15

I think it's nice , the little one will be fine and so will you . Let it sink in and don't think about it for a few months rather than spoil it now when you might be fine about it then . I think time just being you and not mum is important. If he'd done it for next weekend then fair enough would not be ok,, but I think I'd be buying a wafty kaftan and looking forward to some lie ins.

Sally090807 · 06/10/2022 08:16

It’s 5 days away, he wanted to do something nice for your anniversary, I would be looking forward to the break if I were you.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 08:17

Coffeetree · 06/10/2022 08:06

People totally missing the point here!

Booking without the baby was a judgement call, no big deal.

But equally, adding the baby now should also be no big deal. The booking is a year away! Just a few phone calls, sorted.

The fact that he's sulking and being secretive now is really really weird. And "there's a reason" baby can't go and you don't get to know? (And please be joking about the "adults only hotel", grim AF.

Where does the OP say he is sulking?

Sally090807 · 06/10/2022 08:17

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 08:14

Mumsnet logic:

My husband never sorts babysitters or plans anything nice for our anniversary
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

My husband has booked a holiday and arranged childcare almost a year in advance to give us time to get used to leaving baby for short period
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

Yes, that’s spot on.

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2022 08:17

MojoMoon · 06/10/2022 07:41

Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person.

There is nothing wrong with leaving a 15 month old with their grandparents, assuming they are good at caring for him and have established a strong relationship with him by then.

But also, there is nothing wrong that you don't want to leave him for quite a long period yet.

It doesn't sound like this at all.

He was trying to be thoughtful and plan something nice. Plenty of people go abroad and leave their children, lots of people feel uncomfortable with it. Both are OK.

I really don't think your dh did anything wrong. Make a plan to review it by a certain date. A lot of changes will happen with your baby in a year and if you have reliable grandparents who are willing and able to help out then make the most of them.

NameChangeLifeChange · 06/10/2022 08:18

OP I see both sides as if DH had done that I would have been thrilled to bits! We have loved snatched short breaks away from the kids from the start but I appreciate some people find it hard to be away from their kids. 5 months is SO different to 15 months though and in my experience by a year many parents are doing the odd weekend break, wedding away etc with no issues.
If it won’t cost much to cancel later I’d leave it- you might be really grateful for a break by then and some bonding time with the grandparents can be lovely. My DC go to their grandparents regularly in the holidays and have the loveliest bond from them as they feel at home there having done that for years! X

Snugglemonkey · 06/10/2022 08:18

I would not be happy about that at all. I have never left DC for that length of time. He has had a sleepover 3 times and been back by 10am. He is 6. I would not dream of leaving him and going to another country and would be astonished that DP would imagine it is something I would consider.

I don't think it is appropriate to make unilateral decisions like that if it cannot be altered.

Obviously some people feel differently and that is grand, but I would not go. I wouldn't tolerate any huffs either, he was the one out of line.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2022 08:19

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 08:14

Mumsnet logic:

My husband never sorts babysitters or plans anything nice for our anniversary
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

My husband has booked a holiday and arranged childcare almost a year in advance to give us time to get used to leaving baby for short period
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

This.

it's really tedious and so predictable.

SalviaOfficinalis · 06/10/2022 08:19

Being away from both parents for 5 days needs to be something that both parents are comfortable with and have agreed to.

It’s not solely his decision to make. It seems really arrogant to make the decision himself and then get angry when you want to discuss it.

I left my DC overnight for the first time when he was 4 months old so I’m not against being away, but it’s different when both parents are away. I wouldn’t want both parents to be away for 5 days at that age, I think it’s too much. And it’s a lot
for the grandparents too.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/10/2022 08:24

How long is the holiday? A couple of nights? Nice idea, don't knock. Fortnight? Stupid and thoughtless.

BuildersTeaMaker · 06/10/2022 08:24

A long weekend in this country, where you could get back in case of emergency- yep, ok, lovely thought. But even that would need to be accompanied with a plan on easing child into being looked after by grandparents regularly during day, then at least a couple of overnighters. Slow and steady. It’s not just the child who needs to get used to be left, but checking gp can cope, follow “your” reasonable rules so it won’t cause chaos when you get them home (like sleep times) .

a whole week, abroad, nope. I’d certainly not go abroad at all with both parents, without children, even at any age, too far to get back if something happened. They’re not random relatives even if they’re teenagers- they are your dependants and legally your their guardians. No one can make decisions without you.

I think it says something about his stage of bonding with baby. He can still separate the two of you from baby, and think that’s more stress free. To you being separated is more stressful. Like a lot of dads thatll start to change as baby becomes a toddler and more independent from you . It may say something that dad now needs to start to have more time to bond with baby on his own, and find stuff that are just the two of them to do - do you really encourage that ? If not, don’t make the link to him, but start to do that now. Weaning is coming up soon so get him really involved with that and taking a bit of a lead role etc

if DH doesn’t want to spend that time, or step up into more proactive parenting role now baby is getting older, then you have a bigger issue really, that the surprise holiday is a small part of.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/10/2022 08:25

The thing is, it might be absolutely fine, the baby might be great being left with grandparents and you might be glad of the break.

Or they might be going through peak separation anxiety and really not settle for anyone else no matter how good their relationship.

It really wouldn't have worked for us as I was still breastfeeding and would have been very physically uncomfortable. I was also absolutely shattered at that point as I was settling back into work and dealing with a baby who had the usual nursery illnesses as they were also settling into nursery and I think a 5 day break from us would have really upset their routine.

It would have worked great for us nearer 2 years old though and we did go away for a long weekend when our first was a couple of months over 2

The point is, you don't know, and its quite a lot of pressure to put you under to be 'ready' at a specific time