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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/10/2022 11:53

I'd be thrilled /bad mother :p But It depends, my mother did a lot of childcare for me and I'd be 100% comfortable leaving mine with her when they were little (and break on our own would be lovely) Mon-Fri is pretty short too

KimberleyClark · 06/10/2022 11:56

Itsnotallblackandwhite · 06/10/2022 11:49

Keep yer knickers on... I said my first thought was that hubby is thinking there will be more sex on a child-free holiday - I also admitted I'm a cynic.

I actually think he is just thinking in black and white terms that a week away without baby will be a nice thing to do, but he's thinking of it from his perspective that if he thinks it will be a good stress-free break so will OP. He might have scheduled in some activities (not bedroom/chandelier based!) that aren't suitable for youngsters? Maybe OP and DP enjoyed more adventure type events pre-DC? who knows? (A: none of us)

Perhaps he’s booked a helicopter or balloon flight or something.

Zofloraeverywhere · 06/10/2022 11:57

Is the holiday abroad? I definitely wouldn’t have left a 15 month baby with grandparents for that length of time to go somewhere far away.

I’m sure there’s a compromise to be reached where you could go away somewhere a lot nearer for a shorter time. Your DH was trying to do something nice but he’s got it wrong.

I’d be most upset that he is annoyed at your reaction because that suggests that he isn’t always respectful towards you.

Herejustforthisone · 06/10/2022 11:59

I’d personally love it, but then I went back to work full time four months PP and treasure time to myself as well as time with my child.

See how you feel nearer the time. A 15 month old is a world apart from a five month old.

notquiteruralbliss · 06/10/2022 11:59

I wouldn't have even considered a holiday without my young DCs and would have told DH to rebook something more appropriate. And they were used to me not being arond all the time as I returned to FT work within a few weeks of each of their births.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/10/2022 12:01

@PoundShopPrincess

people complain all the time about how crap holidays are with kids. Hard work, not a holiday, not worth bothering with etc etc

CannibalQueen · 06/10/2022 12:14

The Royals do it all the time. It's only a few days and your wee one will be a toddler and with people who care for him. Enjoy your holiday and facetime in the evening.

howaboutchocolate · 06/10/2022 12:14

I would not be OK with that. I've never left my child overnight, for lots of reasons. At 5 months old I couldn't have predicted some reasons not to leave her at 15 months eg. still breastfeeding, terrible sleeper, allergies that need monitoring. Plus I just wouldn't have wanted to.

Luckily me and DH agree that we'd never want to be in another country to our small children unless it was an emergency.

Other people are totally fine with leaving their kids as babies and toddlers and that's great. But if you're someone who isn't comfortable with it then you're never going to enjoy the time away as you'll be missing them and worrying the whole time.

SoftSheen · 06/10/2022 12:18

YANBU. It's not 'wrong' to leave a 15 month old with their grandparents for 5 days, but personally I wouldn't have been comfortable with it. It's a very clingy age, you might still be breastfeeding, and if you have just gone back to work, you might resent spending the week's annual leave without your child. However, since a 15 month old doesn't need an extra plane seat or hotel room, you could probably include him in the holiday with little extra cost. I'd go with that option.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/10/2022 12:21

This is absolutely bizarre. It is not a nice surprise it is deeply unpleasant that he didn't discuss the idea with you beforehand. He is not acting like a father!

Some of these responses are crazy. 'Deeply unpleasant' to book a holiday with your wife, but without your child?!

Listen, the fact of the matter is, your baby is barely out of the 4th trimester at the moment. It's 100% natural to not really be able to see a time in the future where you'll be comfortable leaving him with anyone for any sort of period of time.

And it genuinely is different for men (maybe not all, but certainly a lot of them) as they haven't had the same physical connection you have with their child. Also, maybe he's just more forward thinking? It doesn't really matter, he's just thinking he's booked this lovely romantic trip away for his wife that he loves, has made arrangements for your shared child and you're not quite happy about it.

I think what is plain is that it's different strokes for different folks - and just because there are some showing sad faces at leaving their kids behind doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. PS I didn't leave any of my kids so much as overnight until the youngest was 5 so it's not like I've been gallivanting a lot!

My advice would be to tell him you're not sure, find out the latest cancellation date and take it from there. Maybe see if it's possible to postpone for another year. But the likelihood is that by 15 months you'll be quite all right with it.

sponsabillaries · 06/10/2022 12:22

CannibalQueen · 06/10/2022 12:14

The Royals do it all the time. It's only a few days and your wee one will be a toddler and with people who care for him. Enjoy your holiday and facetime in the evening.

You have really missed the point. You don't get to tell OP whether or not to be OK with this.

Beebumbled · 06/10/2022 12:27

A nice surprise but my son is 16 months and I defo couldn’t leave him for 5 days so completely get where you’re coming from.

Could he amend the booking to 3 days?

Twistypine · 06/10/2022 12:29

I think he is still living in the pre-child past and trying to do his best according to that - , maybe he did things like that before you had a baby? -He also sees you’re exhausted and a bit of him does want the old you back, just as a couple. Thank him for a lovely gesture and see what happens in a year - god know there’s so much upheaval at the moment with pandemics, war, and so on anything could happen - including he falls so in love with his child he cant bear to leave him and ends up altering the booking himself.

BadNomad · 06/10/2022 12:32

I don't think he's wrong to want to have a celebratory holiday without children around, but he was misguided in assuming you would feel the same way. Cancel it and book a night away locally instead. Or just go for dinner in the evening.

It's not much of a compromise, but I don't think there is a halfway between what he wants (just the two of you) and what you're comfortable with (not being away from baby).

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/10/2022 12:32

even when you become a mum you have to keep having a life and do stuff that you enjoy not parenthood and what the baby will enjoy all the time

rookiemere · 06/10/2022 12:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/10/2022 12:32

even when you become a mum you have to keep having a life and do stuff that you enjoy not parenthood and what the baby will enjoy all the time

Well yes, but it's a bit of a leap to translate that to a 5 day childfree holiday that OP doesn't seem very comfortable with.

diddl · 06/10/2022 12:35

CannibalQueen · 06/10/2022 12:14

The Royals do it all the time. It's only a few days and your wee one will be a toddler and with people who care for him. Enjoy your holiday and facetime in the evening.

And look how they turned out!

KarmaStar · 06/10/2022 12:45

You might well be glad of the break by then .
it was a thoughtful gesture to remember your anniversary and book somewhere and arrange child care with family.
try not to throw it back in his face.
go and enjoy a romantic holiday and come back refreshed.build up the time your dc spends with gp slowly so it's not a big change for the dc.

ThanksItHasPockets · 06/10/2022 12:57

Others' opinions on leaving a fifteen-month-old are completely irrelevant to the OP. It is never thoughtful to buy someone a gift they do not want. It is irrelevant that the gift is expensive, or hard to source, or complex to organise, if it shows a fundamental lack of understanding of what the recipient would actually like.

It is Homer buying Marge a bowling ball for her birthday.

midsomermurderess · 06/10/2022 12:59

‘Sounds like he is jealous of the attention you give the baby and is trying to force a situation where he returns to being The Most Important Person’. The amateur psychologists, fully armed with their self-help books, still throng to this site, I see.

Herejustforthisone · 06/10/2022 13:00

howaboutchocolate · 06/10/2022 12:14

I would not be OK with that. I've never left my child overnight, for lots of reasons. At 5 months old I couldn't have predicted some reasons not to leave her at 15 months eg. still breastfeeding, terrible sleeper, allergies that need monitoring. Plus I just wouldn't have wanted to.

Luckily me and DH agree that we'd never want to be in another country to our small children unless it was an emergency.

Other people are totally fine with leaving their kids as babies and toddlers and that's great. But if you're someone who isn't comfortable with it then you're never going to enjoy the time away as you'll be missing them and worrying the whole time.

Have you never even left them overnight with their father?

whumpthereitis · 06/10/2022 13:02

Okay it doesn’t work for OP, but I’m not seeing why a childfree holiday over your anniversary is a terrible thing? The relationship between a couple outside of parenthood is important and worth nurturing too, surely? Also don’t see why wanting to have sex with your wife (or thinking your wife wants to have sex with you) is so awful.

Meh. My parents went on childfree holidays (and likely had sex, the horror), so I’m not seeing the big deal.

rookiemere · 06/10/2022 13:02

You're right @ThanksItHasPockets it's a real bowling ball present.

The DH wants to go away without his DC for 4 nights ergo that's what his DW must want as well.

This is why DH no longer buys me surprise presents or either of us books anything without running it past the other first. It's also why I am now the solo holiday organiser as I understand that logistics need to include dog and where he will go and teenage DS - if he's coming or not.

Booking an entire holiday - presumably paid for from joint money - without consulting your DP is not a nice gesture in my book.

Herejustforthisone · 06/10/2022 13:03

Twistypine · 06/10/2022 12:29

I think he is still living in the pre-child past and trying to do his best according to that - , maybe he did things like that before you had a baby? -He also sees you’re exhausted and a bit of him does want the old you back, just as a couple. Thank him for a lovely gesture and see what happens in a year - god know there’s so much upheaval at the moment with pandemics, war, and so on anything could happen - including he falls so in love with his child he cant bear to leave him and ends up altering the booking himself.

The suggestion being he doesn’t love his child enough at present? Or the at parents who truly love their children wouldn’t dream of leaving them. Ever.

🙄 ha.

Herejustforthisone · 06/10/2022 13:04

And some posters are trying to paint this holiday booking as an act of malice…

This place is nutso.