For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

So, this guy has been in your friendship group presumably for some time, and you've been together for a year - and you think it's appropriate to end the relationship by blocking him without making any effort to hear him out?

Early thirties, some sort of university attendance at some point, able to provide a "feminist critique on the concept of EUPD", and yet emoting like a tween...

I think the night was ruined when OP refused to allow an extra person to join them. If I had been with a friend all day, who then had their evening plans fall through, I would have said “oh well join us then” just as he did. If I then rung and was told no they can’t come, I honestly would stay with that friend instead. It would be rude I think to do otherwise.

OP absolutely brought this on herself by her meanness. Further I think she was this mean because she had images of wanting to announce herself as part of a secret couple and honestly I don’t think he was so bothered about doing so.

I think he engineered the whole thing and wouldn't have come even if you said his friend was welcome. Another excuse would have followed. It was your special night and it sounds like you were looking forward to being seen together as a couple. I would have been hurt aswell op. I can't believe some people are trying to say its your fault and you should apologise to him! It's up to you whether you want to hear what he has to say - I suspect it won't be much even if you unblock him. He sounds like a massive flake.

You are more invested in the relationship than he is, be glad you won’t be wasting more time on a LDR. Blocking him won’t hurt him, all it does is let him off the hook. Never prioritise someone who treats you like an option.

If you’re honest with yourself, this entanglement never had legs. Lick your wounds and enjoy your new life.

I can understand why you're disappointed he didn't come, and he was obviously quite short with you, but then also some of your responses both to him and this thread show a slightly lower level of EQ than you'd expect at our age. I really expected you to say you were very early 20s.

It sounds like there’s been a lot of miscommunication and confusion here. You claim you’re so casual that you don’t even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend - yet your friends are excited about meeting you “officially” as a couple, suggesting it’s been talked up a bit. You say you’ve been discussing continuing to see one another even after you move - yet again, from the whole thing about wanting to enter the room as a couple and your friends making excited comments in a group chat that he belongs to, it seems like that’s been decided. Had you both decided?

You also say there was cheating at the start of the relationship, which doesn’t sound great. But I’m wondering, was it cheating, or confusion over whether you were exclusive? Is that why you continued to see one another afterwards?

I think the bottom line is that it’s all got a bit too real for him - “announcements” of coupledom with pre-approved guest lists, stepping up a level to keep things going long(er) distance etc. If I’m right, you’ve probably had a lucky escape. Trying to maintain a relationship from separate cities was never going to work if one of you was less invested. Take this as a sign that a clean break would be better.

He royally dicked you around and let you down on a long-standing agreement and embarrassed you in front of your other friends. I’d have told him to fuck off and I’m 53. Maybe I have a low EQ too - but I think it’s more that I’ve been around the block and can’t be arsed with this crap from men any more.

I also agree with the bullshitting suggestion - either he’s not that into you and was trying to get out of it, or he had some kind of better offer from his POV. Yes, if it’s an informal occasion and others wouldn’t mind, it might be OK to bring a friend along but like you I’d be too annoyed to agree to that after he’d already gone back on the plan.

YANBU and tbh more women should dump and run early on when this kind of shit starts.

He wad being a dick if I was moving away I'd have blocked and moved on too.

tbh more women should dump and run early on when this kind of shit starts.

But it's not early, it's been a "situationship" as the OP calls it for a year.

But it’s early compared to getting involved in a LTR, marriage and kids etc. (speaking from bitter experience!)

Isn't this how you make new friends though?
What harm would it have done?
I don't understand

Why are people saying things like "sounds like everything is about you" and "you sound high maintenance" and he just sounds sociable etc. She got a good promotion and her friends were throwing her a celebration. Jeez why should women have such such low standards or make themselves so small that we can't say actually yes on this occasion it IS about me? Whilst perhaps I wouldn't have blocked him OP I get it, this was hurtful and suddenly extremely flaky throughout the day for something that was already planned, suddenly putting you right to the bottom of his priority list. I'm not saying a girlfriend needs to always be someone's first priority, that would indeed be high maintenance. But regarding something already planned, that was actually a celebration for them, then yes. I suppose the question is OP is this genuinely one off behaviour out of the blue or have their been signs / a pattern?

Completely agree.

I think he's messed you around and I'd be pissed off too. I also think you're getting a really hard time on this thread - can't believe MN, the site where everyone thinks having friends is 'too much drama' and freaks out if someone knocks on their door unexpectedly, is so invested in how you should have been obliged to have this random guy at your gathering.That said though, I also think you didn't communicate well and it's exacerbated the situation. The message about 'turning up without an invite' sounds passive-aggressive, whether you intended it to or not - it would have been better to say straightforwardly "I'd prefer if it was just you this time, because..." And I'd have talked to him about how upset I was rather than just blocking him, unless it's a conversation youve already had several times and this is the last straw.It does sound like there was maybe a mismatch of expectations between the two of you - you (and your friends) were clearly seeing this as a step up in your relationship and the first time you were going to be out with the group as a proper couple, but if you hadn't talked about that with him beforehand then he might have just seen it as a casual gathering of old friends where it wouldn't matter too much if he arrived later than planned. Don't get me wrong, it's still flaky and shit to change the plan without telling you and I'd be pissed off in your shoes, but I think part of the reason you're so upset is because you're taking this as indicative of his attitude to the whole relationship, when it's likely that's not how he sees it at all.

Argh sorry, my phone keeps deleting my paragraphs for some reason!

Jeez why should women have such such low standards or make themselves so small that we can't say actually yes on this occasion it IS about me?

Well said. How the OP acted, which was completely justified imo, becomes part of the narrative that women are 'needy' and 'overly emotional' and even 'crazy' because they don't bend themselves entirely to the needs of the men they're with. God forbid a woman should stand up for herself and what she wants once in a while.

Definitely not wanting to announce us as a “secret couple” - the whole friendship group knows. It’s all over Facebook.

God forbid a woman should stand up for herself and what she wants once in a while.

I think it's more that, rather than having a conversation about how hurt and disappointed and shocked she was by his behaviour, her response is "Ya blocked."

Just to clarify because it keeps getting repeated:

I didn’t organise the event or demand that he come to it, I didn’t organise the plan thah he would come to my place beforehand, he was privy to all the jokes about it being the first time everyone would see us together (as we don’t meet up so often, especially as a whole group) and he participated in the comments/jokes.

The issue isn’t he wanted to bring a friend. It was that he had dicked around for hours and then because said friend was coming would be arriving later, leaving earlier and then not staying with me that night (which disrupted plans he’d made for us the morning after).

It wasn’t him just helping out a mate and being a good person - he didn’t communicate with me all day until I tried to speak to him, refused to speak to me on the phone, told me he wasn’t coming to mine, told me he would be late, told me he was bringing his mate (who no one has ever heard of), told me that he was going to leave early to take that friend home….

I accept I might have low emotional intelligence, be childish or reactive. But for him to do all that ^ shows where his emotional intelligence level is at too. I fail to see how he didn’t think that any of it would upset me.

It sounds like one or both of you have deliberately sabotaged the relationship because you want it to end with your move, to me.

Ive never blocked anyone before now.

i don’t understand why I would explain to someone that they hurt me when they knew they’d hurt me - I’d told him over text I was upset. He said he didn’t come because he thought it might be awkward. After 2 days there was no further conversation, apology or explanation.

and yes, he was the cheater at the beginning, so my trust in him isn’t exactly good.

I'll say it once I'll say it 100 times.
Helly yeah your should have blocked him!

Who cares how it looks?! Really! These posters think there is some magical "proper" way to have handled it??!! I bet that meant continuing to eat the shit sandwich from him.

Woman put up with far far too much shit from men.
If more women were brave like you and just blocked the arsewipes, men would be less inclined to pull shit like that.

The women saying you are wrong probably put up with so much shit from men and want you to be as miserable as they are.

And yes, the event was 100% about you!

You'll find some men are petty jealous little fuckers when a woman does well and they'll sabotage things if they can.

Your special day!
Your promotion! Your move!
Congrats and well done!!

The thing is, you asked "AIBU for blocking the guy I'm seeing because he didn't show up to my party?"

There must be some doubts in your mind that it was the right course of action, as you are on AIBU asking strangers this question. If you'd had any sort of adult conversation, including telling him this was the final straw/a dealbreaker for you, then you would have some level of closure. You might have understood more what was behind his actions. You might have had at least a decent apology. You might be feeling more at peace with your decision to end the "situationship".
Instead you're seemingly in a vacuum of unknowing, c/- the block.

OP you’ve got great friends and a professional promotion. You deserve much, much better than this joker.

Move on - it wouldn’t end well, we’re you to stay with him.