For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

Interesting thread though about just how much crap some will tolerate. No wonder so many men are such complete time wasters.

And that would have been perfectly fine.
But OP hasn't told him to fuck off. She's blocked him, thereby leaving him in a weird limbo where he has no idea what's going on, and doesn't have any chance to come back with an explanation.

Either this is a vaguely serious relationship in which case OP should at least speak to him or it's something very casual in which case blocking him is perfectly fine, but then OP's level of annoyance about him not turning up at her party is a bit OTT.

leaving him in a weird limbo where he has no idea what's going on

Which is exactly what he did to her regarding a long-standing arrangement they'd both agreed on.

It's not really to do with how serious the relationship is per se, IMO. A friend would also be taking the piss if they did this. It's just disrespectful and crap and sends out a message of "I can't be arsed with you and the plan we made". Just because a relationship isn't a full-on serious one doesn't mean it's fine to let someone down and mess them around about a special event for them you said you would come to.

And I agree with the PP who mentioned men getting shitty or difficult when a female partner has career success or something that's legitimately all about her. Some men don't like this and it's a big red flag.

He did provide an explanation which after a year I found inadequate. He didn’t expand on why he thought it might be awkward if he had come to the party, and didn’t contact me for 2 days after that.

So yeah, I blocked him - I’m not waiting around for an explanation for days on end after he bailed on our plans, after a year

And blocking someone isn’t exactly limbo is it. It’s quite clear I don’t want anything to do with him.

Can’t believe some of the responses on here 😂

All of my female friends in real life would think this is WEIRD behaviour from him.

Have we experienced such men? YES
Have we put up with it? NO

And as such we are all in relationships with men who don’t pull this kind of crap.

Maybe the people making out OP is a diva don’t want to admit it’s poor behaviour because that would mean accepting the bar is low with the men in their lives.

I think sometimes on MN the OP inadvertently gets up people’s noses with the way they phrase something or some other incidental detail (or seeming too sure of themselves, etc.) and the thread just starts running against them whether they are BU or not.

Whereas if, for e.g., the OP were saying ‘I think this is fine’ and making excuses for the BF flaking on her, posters would be more likely trying to open her eyes to shit behaviour, with someone eventually mentioning abuse and (possibly) ending in a chorus of voices demanding she leave him (obviously providing frequent updates) and consider seeking therapy to work out why she accepts such behaviour.

Agree with @okytdvhuoo

I was thinking the same. Such a high proportion of women sympathising with the poor confused creature. He treated OP like rubbish. She put an end to it. She's obviously hurt but knows she deserves better.

I often wonder about the longterm relationships posters find themselves in - this thread sheds a bit of light. Zero standards right from the beginning.

Hilariously accurate. And if OP doesn't immediately pack her bag, burn the house down or whatever (god forbid wants to think things through for a day or two) the angry mob turn on her yelling "we TOLD you what to do, you deserve everything you get".

I had a thread up one day but the weirdest thing was the replies were really evenly split between me being a naive doormat and a paranoid delusionist yet the rage reigned that I didn't want to react (as was confused myself and also not especially bothered).

I agree.

Thats why MN doesn't seem to be very representative of real life to me.

The women I have grown up with and lived the last 40 years around would absolutely bevof the mind to dump his rude ass.

That is what I would and do tell my girls.

We teach people how to treat us and the only amount of bullshit to accept from people is none, particularly men.

The OP was absolutely correct to dump him.

Yes, YABU.

I do find it rather a pile on on this site. I read so many threads where women aren’t being treated well and the advice always seems to be “block him”/move on/he doesn’t respect you/you’re not a priority.

I suppose some people think blocking him was wrong. I blocked him for loads of reasons:

1. He didn’t come to the celebration. Fine on its own - his choice. But paired with the fact that up until I was sitting in the restaurant with my friends he was still arguing over when to come, when he’d leave, his friend etc - it seemed to ruin an otherwise nice evening, which was about an achievement I was proud of
2. he knew how much my promotion meant to me, and what it would open up for me. He still chose not to come.
3. After fucking off plans to see me before the party for drinks, and fucking off any kind of coherent communication on the day, he tried to invite his mate to a booked table, who I didn’t know.
4. He then fucked off plans to stay over at mine and therefore the plans we had for the day after because he wanted to take his mate home… what?
5. He was blunt and dismissive in his texts all day
6. he never let me know he wasn’t coming. I thought he would just turn up as he knew where it was being held. No text saying “I’ll leave it then”
7. He didn’t apologise or try to explain what happened in the days after. He just went silent and started posting shit all over social media.

ive been asked if I’m diagnosed with a Cluster b condition”, called spiteful, childish, antisocial, controlling, weird, a drama queen, immature, hard work, juvenile, high maintenance, needy, that I am “Determinedly coupling” and “Emoting like a tween“ and that I have low emotional intelligence…

I don’t think I was treated well. I think a supportive boyfriend would attend his girlfriends celebration, and wouldn’t decline (after confirming months before) because his mate couldn’t come, I think a respectful boyfriend would let his girlfriend know he wasn’t coming rather than going silent as she was sat in the restaurant, I think a respectful boyfriend would at least explain the next day why he thought it might have been awkward, and I would expect communication in the days after this… not total silence.

I’ve been treated worse in the past, and don’t want to be treated badly in my 30s.

Maybe those standards are childish, but I don’t think I could hack having to hear to a delayed explanation/apology when he fancied his next shag.

OP: the way you described it in your OP I thought YWBU.

But your updates and further details make it clear that he well and truly de-prioritised you for that night. Especially that he wouldn’t stay with you on your last weekend.

But for a lot of people reading the OP only, and LOADS of posters don’t RTFT, it looks like a bit of an over-reaction.

Several pieces of new information in your latest post, OP. That you were meeting in restaurant, with a booked table; not the 'party thrown by friends', presumably in a home/bar. That he was meeting you for drinks beforehand, not just meeting to arrive together. And you seem to have become committed boyfriend and girlfriend, not the situationship/unsure relationship of your opening posts.

It's good that you are happy with your chosen course of action.

No there’s not - in my updates I wrote about it being a good luck meal, that we were having drinks at my place, and I’ve written about how we are boyfriend/girlfriend but because of his past behaviour and messy start to it (essentially a situationship) I still envisaged it as such.

When I reflect on things like this that happened to me in years gone by, I come to the same realisation. That it doesn’t matter what you said, or what he said, or what he really meant. All you know is the thing happened and you felt embarrassed and let down. I would bet money that you have given this way more of your time and energy trying to analyse it all than he has. I don’t think he’s a bad person, it might just be more than you have different expectations of what your relationship is. Feeling hurt and embarrassed is not a good indicator that he is the right one for you so maybe best to unblock him but move on mentally from the whole “situationship”

I'd unblock him and try to sit down and talk to him before you go. You obviously know each other well enough to have an honest chat about how it made you feel and you need to understand his reasons for what happened and explain how it came across to you. Blocking is a little immature but we've all done silly things with a few on board. So try to connect with him now and talk it through you don't want to go away with unfinished business you'll be left unclear about.

I’ve explained why in a couple of posts up.

Saying ‘I don’t see why I should’ isn’t really an explanation.

The adult healthy approach would be to actually tell him this: I don’t think I was treated well. I think a supportive boyfriend would attend his girlfriends celebration, and wouldn’t decline (after confirming months before) because his mate couldn’t come, I think a respectful boyfriend would let his girlfriend know he wasn’t coming rather than going silent as she was sat in the restaurant, I think a respectful boyfriend would at least explain the next day why he thought it might have been awkward, and I would expect communication in the days after this… not total silence.

I’m perfectly comfortable with blocking idiots, by the way. Randoms, people I’ve been on one or two dates with, the chronically annoying. Blockity block. However, if he’s your boyfriend, you’ve been in an actual relationship (not situationship, as you’ve clarified) for a year and he’s upset you, you should put on your big girl pants and tell him why. Then, if his response isn’t satisfactory, you break up with him.

People have some ridiculously low bars on here!

I think you've done the right thing. Also once a cheat always a cheat so a lucky escape.

I DID tell him he’d upset me, his response was to say he didn’t want to feel awkward and then didn’t speak to me for 2 days! His response wasn’t satisfactory so I ended the relationship permanently and wanted nothing else to do with him.

You said When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up” I was so hurt I just blocked him.

You think that’s the adult healthy conversation I’ve described above? Seriously? I don’t want to pile on or be impolite, but do you appreciate why people are reacting like this to the things you’re saying?

Also, you posted in AIBU but seem unable to accept that a lot of us think YABU. In which case, what was your aim with this thread?

I am baffled by some of the replies on this thread. OP's now ex-boufriend messed her around and missed a celebration for a major milestone because of poor communication and by changing plans literally a day or so after discussing them (having been in the diary for over a month). OP broke up with them, and then blocked them. Isn't that literally the advice given by posters on most thread with similar scenarios?

This.

It all sounds so immature. Not allowing him to bring a friend (why?), then blocking him. It all sounds really juvenile and I understand you're hurting but if this is how it is a year in it won't last. Good luck with your new job, I think its time to move on.

She didn’t break up with him, though. She just blocked him. Unless it’s an extreme situation or abusive, if you block your partner of a year without even breaking up with them, you’re going to get some negative responses.