For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

Reading a bit more I think he was being a dick. You deserve better OP. Forget him.

@allura you did nothinb wrong and he is not worth it. He kind of ghosted you on your celebration day, he betrayed your trust in past, you don't owe him anh explanation. Take it as a lesson, never give a cheater another chance. Wish you a great experience in new city and new job.

OP, you should really stop replying to or reading this thread. It's full of the most bat shit advice from posters who genuinely would be ok with a man showing up late, standing them up and not apologising. These are not posters whose advice you follow. You're confident with your boundaries, have a promotion and a new life - you're existence isn't dependent on any man. You're living the dream. Relocating because of YOUR job. He's stuck where he is. Fuck this commitment phobic loser. Live your best life and don't let anyone think you need to accept shit from some dickhead just because he has a penis.

Fuck this commitment phobic loser

Yes ☝☝

Sounds like he got cold feet about appearing as “an item” with the other people there… maybe that’s why he wanted to bring a friend. Perhaps he doesn’t see the relationship working at a distance. As you’ve blocked him, you’ll never know. It seems strange going from being a couple to blocking him in such a short time. The relationship might just have run its course and you are drifting apart from each other geographically and emotionally.

You have virtually rewritten the story since your first post. I am still confused about why he had to be in touch with you all day about plans that evening. In any case, I still think it was your unkindness and weird responses about him bringing someone else along to, what was, a casual small gathering organised by other people, that made him rethink his plans with you. Don’t blame him. And then you “block” somebody who is apparently in your friendship group (so how does that even work) and wonder why people call you childish.

Well ultimately, while you might be unhappy with some of the responses you’ve received, the thread has served its purpose, as you now seem very sure you’ve made the right decision. Whether anyone else agrees with you doesn’t really matter - none of us have to make the choice. Good luck with the new job and the move.

I think it’s a perfectly fine conversation to have with someone who’s let you down - I let him know I was hurt, he responded saying he didn’t want to come because it might’ve been awkward. No apology, no making things right. I explained my hurt to him and the reasons why, I’m not chasing him up after 2 days of silence to reiterate my hurt. And I hope other women wouldn’t even, it’s so demeaning and desperate.

I don’t agree with the words I’ve been called - maybe expect immature (but not in this situation). if I had have chased him and he continued to be shit I would’ve got the whole “the hills are that way” and “when he shows you who he is believe him” … posters here always say leave on the first red flag. To me this was at least the 2nd (after the initial cheating).

It seems a pretty even split of unreasonable/reasonable in the votes so I don’t think “a lot” of you think I’m unreasonable.

Its just confirmed my thought processes which was helpful and give me reassurance that other women would react in a similar way.

Nothing I’ve said has advocated chasing him down. Just breaking up like an adult.

55% think YABU. If you don’t think that is ‘a lot’, then I’m not sure what to tell you.

Good luck, OP.

The story hasn’t changed, details have been added as posters asked questions etc. It also wasn’t a casual gathering.

He didn’t have to be in touch all day, but he chose this day when we had made plans, to communicate at all, which is very unlike him.

If he wanted to rethink his plans (after having them arranged with me for months) because of my unkindness/unwillingness to have a random person there, then he could have communicated that and let me know he wasn’t coming.

As I mentioned in my previous posts, it’s a friendship group where we don’t all usually met up, so easy to avoid him.

I’m not wondering why people here are calling me childish, I think it’s pretty clear from my replies that I stand by my decision and that some peoples replies here have helped me have confidence in it 😊

i mean it’s 5% over half so no I don’t think it’s a lot

Blocking people is generally immature, even in response to perceived immature behaviour. I didn't realise how common it was till I read mumsnet.

It’s more than half, 10% more than agree with you, a clear majority, and enough to win an election. It’s not a matter of opinion. It is objectively, factually, a lot.

I’m trying to be nice, but you are so incredibly immature and it’s starting to grate. I’ve honestly never come across an adult who thinks and behaves like this. Again, good luck. I’m out. 👍🏽

Enough to win an election 😂 if 50 less people voted YABU it would be exactly 50/50. People have changed their minds in subsequent updates or haven’t read them at all. So no, it’s not objectively a fact that it’s “a lot”. It’s not a majority, but it seems like contentious one, so I’ll accept being called childish and grating (along with all the other ones)

And if 50 more people had voted YABU, it would be 60/40. What’s your point? People voted how they voted. That’s how it works. And how is 55% not a majority? What are you even saying? What do you think a lot and majority mean?

TBH, I was a YANBU until I read your follow up comments. I now think YABBVVUU. To the extent that I’m going to change my vote. HTH.

You obviously had a real thing for him. I find it odd that if you’d been together a year and these were joint friends this would be the first time they saw you as a couple. Something feels off about that. And all the weird texting about it’s about time etc. it feels like you were not really girlfriend boyfriend but just shagging, which then means he never cheated at the start.

anyway you seemed desperate to appear with him as your boyfriend. Like showing your friends that was critical to uou. So I suspect something more to this than you are saying.

Agreed. People seem to have taken a dislike to OP and then are fault finding with everything she says.

I think I feel so passionately about this thread as I have experienced similar situations to OP before I met my DP.

EVERY TIME my intuition said "that's not right" but well meaning friends made excuses for said men "maybe this, maybe that."

Every time they were wrong. I learnt to listen to myself.

I think it is very important to trust your intuition. If you strongly feel something is unacceptable then it usually is.

Agreed. People seem to have taken a dislike to OP and then are fault finding with everything she says.

I think I feel so passionately about this thread as I have experienced similar situations to OP before I met my DP.

EVERY TIME my intuition said "that's not right" but well meaning friends made excuses for said men "maybe this, maybe that."

Every time they were wrong. I learnt to listen to myself.

I think it is very important to trust your intuition. If you strongly feel something is unacceptable then it usually is.

You’ll never know why it happened unless you unblock and talk to him like an adult.

If hesitate buying holidays maybe he sees it as more than you do and wanted support if he’s a bit upset about the changes?

Maybe he’s feeling like he wants to help out a mate?

Maybe he’s nasty about continuing with the new changes?

Only one way to find out!

What an unnecessarily aggressive and hostile comment. It's her relationship and her life, so of course this is about her.

Put him in the rearview mirror and move on unencumbered.

Was he upset you’re leaving town? Would it have been harder to see each other, or did he feel left behind and threatened by your success? Is it possible that rather than meaning to humiliate you he is dealing (badly) with his feelings over you leaving/getting promoted by avoiding the celebration dinner and emotionally distancing himself from you?

Obviously if he is so bad at dealing with emotions and happier to humiliate you than talk it all through and deal with it then that’s not ideal either!

You know what OP? Good for you! Have read all your updates and honestly, I think you did the right thing. You’re clearly not over his cheating (totally understandable) and it sounds like this was a reminder of how vulnerable he made you feel. Life is short, don’t stay with someone who cheats on you and then makes you feel like shit when you should be feeling great, on a night, rightfully, all about YOU! Why waste anymore of your or his time talking it over? His shown his hand and you’ve reacted. I admire you and wish the younger me had had more balls to do the same, rather than wasting time an energy. Well done on your promotion and good luck in your new role!

Very childish to just block him without discussing why you felt hurt over his behaviour. You both sound like you're in your teens not your 30s tbh.