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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

303 replies

allura · 05/10/2022 12:21

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

OP posts:
Stravaig · 05/10/2022 18:33

they weren’t new people, they were our friends

They are your friends; they are also his friends. There is no 'our'. He wanted to bring someone to meet his friends.

debwong · 05/10/2022 18:38

SleeplessInEngland · 05/10/2022 16:37

Is blocking really common? So many people seem to do it on Mumsnet for the pettiest of reasons.

I wonder this as well. I've never done it, nor have I had it done to me as far as I know.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 18:38

Stravaig · 05/10/2022 18:33

they weren’t new people, they were our friends

They are your friends; they are also his friends. There is no 'our'. He wanted to bring someone to meet his friends.

🙄 when I’m talking about myself and another person why would I say “they were my friends and his friends too” - it’s just easier to say “our”.

it doesn’t mean I think our souls are forever entwined.

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 05/10/2022 18:45

but yes I consider it the complete end of the relationship. I don’t want to speak to him again.

Well you need to tell him the relationship is over.

Although I agree with you that he should have told you etc you are both adults and need to tell him and not just block him

Carlycat · 05/10/2022 18:48

I think you've dodged a bullet with that one op. I can understand why you're upset and feel marginalised. Move on and enjoy your new job ! Flowers

Mouk · 05/10/2022 18:58

You sound very needy!

How rude of you to refuse his friend joining the group night out.

YABU

Stravaig · 05/10/2022 18:59

Original question: Why could he not bring a mate if meeting new people ??

Normal response: They're not new people, they're his friends.

Your response: They weren't new people, they were our friends.

The original question is all about him; your response inserts yourself/couples him. Detach! You are so determinedly coupling, in lots of little ways. My guess is he felt the lack of freedom, especially if he was already ambivalent.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 19:10

Stravaig · 05/10/2022 18:59

Original question: Why could he not bring a mate if meeting new people ??

Normal response: They're not new people, they're his friends.

Your response: They weren't new people, they were our friends.

The original question is all about him; your response inserts yourself/couples him. Detach! You are so determinedly coupling, in lots of little ways. My guess is he felt the lack of freedom, especially if he was already ambivalent.

because they are OUR friends - both of ours. Not just his or not just mine. They are friends we share. He wasn’t bringing his friend into a group of just his friends - there is context in the situation that they were also my friends - which is why he asked. Because the situation was specifically organised by the friends for me.

I’m on a forum talking about MY situation, so of course I insert myself into the situation. It’s not “determinedly coupling” to use “our” instead of “his” because context matters. We were in a relationship, he’d fucked around all day, knew I was annoyed and then bailed bringing his friend because he knew it wouldn’t go down well (not just with me, with our, sorry, his friends)

How have you determined the “normal” response to the question? Because it’s not my normal. There is no normative response.

Im so determinedly coupling that I’ve ended a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 05/10/2022 19:17

I give up 🤷‍♀️ You asked for different perspectives. I've shared mine, which you haven't found helpful. Luckily there are many others. Good luck!

ShahRukhKhan · 05/10/2022 19:44

You feel he let you down and hurt you, and that it is symptomatic of a larger issue where he doesn't care enough. In which case you are not being unreasonable in ending the relationship.

Stationsofthecross · 05/10/2022 20:01

Yikes OP. I think you’ll probably regret ending it with him - it sounds like you’ve massively over reacted. Then blocking him - as you’ve stated - you’re being pretty childish there. The guy probably has no idea what the hell has happened.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 05/10/2022 20:32

I know it's completely beside the point but WTF is a 'feminist critique of EUPD'. As someone who is diagnosed with this and feels the symptoms all too strongly I'm all ears

ItsDefinitelyAutumn · 05/10/2022 20:33

@allura OP stop reading these messages and updating. You've explained yourself and you've gotten so much advice. Take from it what you will. I personally do feel for you. Seems like he's just not that into you but the good news is that you can start anew! All the best!

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 20:37

The guy doesn't know what has happened after he stood her up? I don't even know where to start with that one.

Blocking was the right way because OP likes him a lot and he has demonstrated that he doesn't like her enough. She knows she needs to move on and she will. But while she's still missing him it's better she isn't looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't texted or resisting the urge to be talked around.

Can people give her a break? A week ago she was loved up, back from holidays with her boyfriend, looking forward to starting her new job and going to a party organised by her friends to celebrate lots of good stuff going on in her life.

He ruined the night out and instead of having a conversation with him left her to figure it out while her mates looked on feeling terrible for her.
.
Yet here in bonkers world she's the bad guy who can't communicate properly. Why should she phone him to explain she doesn't want to see him again? He didn't explain he was ruining her party and does not warrant the effort. I'm sure he will figure it out for himself, the tosser.

PlentyOFool · 05/10/2022 20:42

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 20:37

The guy doesn't know what has happened after he stood her up? I don't even know where to start with that one.

Blocking was the right way because OP likes him a lot and he has demonstrated that he doesn't like her enough. She knows she needs to move on and she will. But while she's still missing him it's better she isn't looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't texted or resisting the urge to be talked around.

Can people give her a break? A week ago she was loved up, back from holidays with her boyfriend, looking forward to starting her new job and going to a party organised by her friends to celebrate lots of good stuff going on in her life.

He ruined the night out and instead of having a conversation with him left her to figure it out while her mates looked on feeling terrible for her.
.
Yet here in bonkers world she's the bad guy who can't communicate properly. Why should she phone him to explain she doesn't want to see him again? He didn't explain he was ruining her party and does not warrant the effort. I'm sure he will figure it out for himself, the tosser.

I don't understand what people aren't getting about this? He treated you very shabbily OP. Glad you're able to move on for a clean start

Confusion101 · 05/10/2022 20:46

My theory is something happened with the friend and his GF, so he text you to see if he could bring the friend, trying to cheer him up. Couldn't ring you to explain because he was with the friend and couldn't tell you about the situation onfront of him, you said no to the friend coming so both of you got thick with each other, you blocked him and now will never know what happened.

If I was you I'd firstly like an explanation from him, secondly like to apologise to him and explain why you didn't want him to bring the friend (even though your reason doesn't make sense to me), and thirdly sort out the situationship (either make it official or break it off completely). Use your words! Blocking someone does nobody any good!

FlissyPaps · 05/10/2022 21:08

PlentyOFool · 05/10/2022 20:42

I don't understand what people aren't getting about this? He treated you very shabbily OP. Glad you're able to move on for a clean start

Show quote history

Yes to this and yes to the post you also quoted.

IMO, people not understanding OP’s thought process behind this and blocking people is probably a generational thing.

(I see lots of comments of “grow up” “how old are you both?” “At that age I already have X amount of kids” etc.)

I think it’s pretty common for people in their late 20’s & early 30’s to take a “blocking” approach to situations like this because of how much we use OLD. We grew up with technology. Love stories like in the movies doesn’t happen in real life. The romance and courting our parents and grandparents experienced doesn’t happen like that anymore. We’ve learnt to communicate purely through technology.

& if someone isn’t giving us what we want and need then why waste our time? We should we allow someone else to make us feel like shit and to keep us hoping and guessing? Blocking them and moving on is good for the soul. Sorry not sorry.

Mangoloverr · 05/10/2022 21:10

Hi OP,

I'm baffled by some of these responses - it's totally a complete disappointment for you and must have been very hurtful that he didn't turn up. Not only that, it must have spoiled your evening waiting for him to come. On here people are so quick to judge but in reality if it happened to them they would most likely have felt the same.

Ultimately if a partner was respectful and totally into you, he'd have been looking forward to it as well and would have made sure he'd been there, or at the very least told you he wasn't coming. It seems like he's on the fence and had a better offer of staying in with his friend.

Personally I wouldn't block him, but I'd certainly be telling him how I felt and ending things

Rubystyles · 05/10/2022 21:16

I dont think yabu OP. He messed you around. I wouldn’t have blocked personally but that’s because I think he got an easy get out. It would have been interesting to see how he reacted about it today.

roarfeckingroarr · 05/10/2022 21:21

People are being really weird on this thread.

YANBU at all OP. Sorry he's behaved so poorly and let you down. Have you heard much since? Any explanation of massively changing the plans?

Confusion101 · 05/10/2022 21:24

@FlissyPaps I'm 30. I don't anybody who ends a relationship by blocking someone

billy1966 · 05/10/2022 22:07

PlentyOFool · 05/10/2022 20:42

I don't understand what people aren't getting about this? He treated you very shabbily OP. Glad you're able to move on for a clean start

Show quote history

Completely agree.

She has every right to have found his behaviour unacceptable and if she wants to block him, so fxxking what.

OP, best of luck with your move and don't give him another thought.

He isn't worth it.

FlissyPaps · 05/10/2022 22:16

Confusion101 · 05/10/2022 21:24

@FlissyPaps I'm 30. I don't anybody who ends a relationship by blocking someone

But OP says it’s a “situationship” therefor no relationship to end. Better off to block and move on. If he really cares about her he’ll get in touch another way or speak to one of their mutual friends.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 22:54

Confusion101 · 05/10/2022 20:46

My theory is something happened with the friend and his GF, so he text you to see if he could bring the friend, trying to cheer him up. Couldn't ring you to explain because he was with the friend and couldn't tell you about the situation onfront of him, you said no to the friend coming so both of you got thick with each other, you blocked him and now will never know what happened.

If I was you I'd firstly like an explanation from him, secondly like to apologise to him and explain why you didn't want him to bring the friend (even though your reason doesn't make sense to me), and thirdly sort out the situationship (either make it official or break it off completely). Use your words! Blocking someone does nobody any good!

the mental gymnastics to explain this is so weird to me! If his friend was having a bad time he could have text me that (his friend wouldn’t have ever seen the text to me!) but instead he was non communicative and when he did text he was short

OP posts:
BadLad · 05/10/2022 23:42

relationship/situationship

Sounds like a David Brent word, said while making speech marks with his fingers.