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AIBU?

To not want to pay extra £££ for DSC?

218 replies

Dontwanttopay · 04/10/2022 22:17

Of our current basic overheads my DHs salary covers about 35% so my income pays for 65% of that plus all other extras (going out, entertainment, random extra DC expenses, uniforms, etc...)

His exWs DP has decided that he doesn't want to do his job anymore, so my DHs exW has said that considering they're going to lose that her DPs income, they're going to need more money.

I'm 100% against it. When I was made redundant and we lost my income we never asked for any reduction (considering I'm the higher earner) AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££ and maybe at that stage we would have gotten more than them.

Any money comes from my income, something I do t have to fork out for THEIR life decisions, and if my DH doesn't want to fight with her, well he's welcome to get a second job.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1841 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
3%
You are NOT being unreasonable
97%
Hankunamatata · 05/10/2022 16:08

So I assume dh pays about £200 a month to his ex.

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Namechangefail123 · 05/10/2022 16:18

Yes, he pays that. Plus goes halves on school uniforms/ trips/ big purchases (like coats).

The DC have an annual budget of £500 for clothes / Xmas / birthdays. They self manage it and so far it has worked quite well.

We're going on a Christmas break in early December (and they'll get extra £££).

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rageapplied · 05/10/2022 16:41

N/c fail op?

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Collaborate · 05/10/2022 16:41

AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 15:55

@Collaborate The issue is loss of earnings by the resident parent they literally have both hands tied behind their back because the non-resident parent does not have to contribute towards childcare, The non-resident parent doesn’t have to do any childcare - utterly unenforceable and often the non-resident parent isn’t contributing financially anywhere near what they used to do when they were a couple.
obviously benefits pick up the slack for people under a certain income level.
In my case I went from earning 70,000 a year plus his 70,000 a year. To earning £35k because I couldn’t carry on with my job. How was that fair ? £1,000 Would’ve been very welcomed but frankly wouldn’t have touched the sides

You do realise that £1000 a month is slightly less than 50% of the average income? Utterly bonkers.

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IndianSummer78 · 05/10/2022 16:53

AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do

OP WTF is this?! Just so you know, your DH's EXW can't prevent your family claiming UC. If ever you're entitled to UC claim it and ignore her batshit moaning. Better still, don't tell her about your family's finances then she won't know what you're claiming.

Your DH and his EXW are both CF who needs to pay for their own DC and not expect their new partners to.

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GoldenSpiral · 05/10/2022 17:04

You obviously shouldn't pay a penny more. She's a CF.

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KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2022 17:08

OP your income is irrelevant it only goes off your partners income. You've no need to contribute to a stepchild you're not financially responsible the parents are.

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KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2022 17:11

Imagine thinking your ex partner will subside your new partner not working. She must have hit her head she's in fairyland.

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 17:14

Collaborate · 05/10/2022 16:41

You do realise that £1000 a month is slightly less than 50% of the average income? Utterly bonkers.

I genuinely couldn’t care less what the average income is I’ve never earnt the average income and neither has my ex, that was on the basis of our numbers that I made the decision to have children not the CMS is numbers of 15%. Imagine if mothers only volunteered to contribute 15% of my income to raising the kids, the poor little bastards would starve

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 17:16

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2022 17:11

Imagine thinking your ex partner will subside your new partner not working. She must have hit her head she's in fairyland.

I do agree that’s gotta madness by the way I’m not proposing that the OP should be subsidising which ever pillock the ex-wife has manage to end up with.

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OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 05/10/2022 17:59

Both your partner and his ex and her partner are taking the piss totally

Just say no

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Catfordthefifth · 05/10/2022 18:01

ironingboredrefusal · 04/10/2022 22:30

Let's not pretend that in most cases what the CMS says non resident parents pay is the right amount by any means. Especially as it depletes when the non resident parent has more children or lives with someone who has children. It's shocking what non resident parents are told they have to pay and the fact if they go around having more children or live with someone else who has kids that that amount goes down. Should be a set amount of at least £1000 a month to be realistic.

A realistic amount of £1000 a month? Presumably you're not aware of how much minimum wage is? Insane.

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GUARDIAN1 · 06/10/2022 18:34

No. You're not being unreasonable at all. Did he just decide he didn't want to work or is there more to it? If he voluntarily put himself out of work there's likely to be a long delay before any UC will be paid - but that's not your problem.

What do you mean "She'd never let us" claim UC? It's not up to her. The amount you would have to pay can be set by the Child Maintenance Service. Depending what you're already paying, it could be more or less than what you're paying now - but I think there's an online tool you can use to work that out without actually applying to them.

My late partner's ex was dreadful - well actually it was their current partner. It's infuriating really when you feel taken advantage of.

Is your DH worried she'll get nasty about contact? If so you could formalise that too.

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Mollymoostoo · 06/10/2022 19:03

ironingboredrefusal · 04/10/2022 22:30

Let's not pretend that in most cases what the CMS says non resident parents pay is the right amount by any means. Especially as it depletes when the non resident parent has more children or lives with someone who has children. It's shocking what non resident parents are told they have to pay and the fact if they go around having more children or live with someone else who has kids that that amount goes down. Should be a set amount of at least £1000 a month to be realistic.

I have no words for this Ridiculous comment.

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JustAnotherManicMomday · 06/10/2022 19:07

No chance. Contact cms they will day not your problem. Tell her partner to shut up moaning and go to work if he wants money like the rest of us do.

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Lynz78 · 06/10/2022 19:19

Dont pay her more tell her to get more work if her DP is at home. The Uc does not take into account CSA payments so why should you give more when she can claim more UC plus all the other extras.

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rageapplied · 06/10/2022 19:29

How did his ex not let you apply for UC? I genuinely don't understand that? Doesn't it just go on your own income in the household?

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Missingpop · 06/10/2022 19:36

Ex wife’s partner isn’t your problem it’s hers the lazy fucker needs to get off his arse & see how much he can siphon off universal credit probably nothing so he’ll have to do what everyone else does…… continue to work to pay his fucking bills sodding lazy git

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rageapplied · 06/10/2022 19:53

How would she even know you were claiming UC?

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Moonshild · 06/10/2022 20:06

Does anyone know why kids don’t get taught in PSHE about setting up bank accounts, paying bills, how to buy a house, set up car /house insurance etc
I have tried to teach my kids about these things but every so often stuff comes up that I’ve missed and both my kids ( now in their early 20’s) have said that they thought they would learn these things in PSHE.
I have tried to make sure I help/ tell them as much as possible BUT I have missed a few things - one of which was to remind my daughter to change where her car is registered and she just got a big fine for a minor driving error because she didn’t respond quickly.
Does anyone know of a list of life things to remember to do ?

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rageapplied · 06/10/2022 20:07

Moonshild · 06/10/2022 20:06

Does anyone know why kids don’t get taught in PSHE about setting up bank accounts, paying bills, how to buy a house, set up car /house insurance etc
I have tried to teach my kids about these things but every so often stuff comes up that I’ve missed and both my kids ( now in their early 20’s) have said that they thought they would learn these things in PSHE.
I have tried to make sure I help/ tell them as much as possible BUT I have missed a few things - one of which was to remind my daughter to change where her car is registered and she just got a big fine for a minor driving error because she didn’t respond quickly.
Does anyone know of a list of life things to remember to do ?

You'd be better to start your own thread x

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Hearthnhome · 06/10/2022 20:12

Moonshild · 06/10/2022 20:06

Does anyone know why kids don’t get taught in PSHE about setting up bank accounts, paying bills, how to buy a house, set up car /house insurance etc
I have tried to teach my kids about these things but every so often stuff comes up that I’ve missed and both my kids ( now in their early 20’s) have said that they thought they would learn these things in PSHE.
I have tried to make sure I help/ tell them as much as possible BUT I have missed a few things - one of which was to remind my daughter to change where her car is registered and she just got a big fine for a minor driving error because she didn’t respond quickly.
Does anyone know of a list of life things to remember to do ?

My dd (18) was and ds (11) has had lessons in school in the last few weeks.

In all fairness, if your dd decides to drive and become a car owner it’s HER responsibility to understand what that entails. You can’t teach them everything. Adults do have to take some responsibility for learning something as they go. Schools can’t cover it everything they need to know for their whole life.

Seems odd she didn’t realise she needed to change her address for her car.

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SeeYouNextTLol · 06/10/2022 20:46

They can F right off! New partner has sweet FA to do with the contribution. If he wants to be a lazy cunt then they have less money. Nobody wants to do a fecking days work these days! AHHHHHHHH

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PeachyPeachTrees · 06/10/2022 21:00

Say no. Even if you paid extra few quid it's never going to come close to ExW DP salary. He obviously needs to get a new job and asap.

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stickystick · 06/10/2022 21:35

AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 15:55

@Collaborate The issue is loss of earnings by the resident parent they literally have both hands tied behind their back because the non-resident parent does not have to contribute towards childcare, The non-resident parent doesn’t have to do any childcare - utterly unenforceable and often the non-resident parent isn’t contributing financially anywhere near what they used to do when they were a couple.
obviously benefits pick up the slack for people under a certain income level.
In my case I went from earning 70,000 a year plus his 70,000 a year. To earning £35k because I couldn’t carry on with my job. How was that fair ? £1,000 Would’ve been very welcomed but frankly wouldn’t have touched the sides

You are absolutely right. Am in this situation myself - NRP has never done any childcare during the week and can’t be forced to do any so it’s on me to pay a fortune for professional childcare so I can work to support myself.

All the people scoffing at £1k a month - that’s not unreasonable at all if there are two kids both in nursery. In London nursery is easily £1500
a month per child. If the NRP is genuinely on min wage then they should be sorting out the childcare - if they are low income then they will qualify for more free hours!

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