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AIBU?

To not want to pay extra £££ for DSC?

218 replies

Dontwanttopay · 04/10/2022 22:17

Of our current basic overheads my DHs salary covers about 35% so my income pays for 65% of that plus all other extras (going out, entertainment, random extra DC expenses, uniforms, etc...)

His exWs DP has decided that he doesn't want to do his job anymore, so my DHs exW has said that considering they're going to lose that her DPs income, they're going to need more money.

I'm 100% against it. When I was made redundant and we lost my income we never asked for any reduction (considering I'm the higher earner) AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££ and maybe at that stage we would have gotten more than them.

Any money comes from my income, something I do t have to fork out for THEIR life decisions, and if my DH doesn't want to fight with her, well he's welcome to get a second job.

AIBU?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Georgieporgie29 · 05/10/2022 11:42

It sounds like your turn in luck since Covid has made her a little jealous and she’s looking to cash in. the cms is all that your dh should be paying. I realise that is the lowest amount set but I imagine that he pays for extras for them when at your house etc. and I think that’s the best way to do it. If you pay it directly to the ex then she’ll just expect it all the time, whereas if you’re a bit tight for money one week it’s not expected of you.
hes got a bit of a cheek saying he’ll think about the higher amount when it’s not him that actually earns it.

so to conclude, I would say no to extra cms. Offer the extra time like you have or if it’s something you’re comfortable with offer to have the children live with you and move them to a closer school.

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AssumingDirectControl · 05/10/2022 12:06

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 11:28

Actually I did suggest having them all weekends (DH doesn't think she'd take that).

I've told him kindly that if they were still together, they'd get some UC top up (I know they did get tax credits) and that would be their lifestyle. He GOT LUCKY that's the crux of it, and I'm nobody's cash cow.

I can’t imagine the children would want to never see their mum at weekends, never mind what their mum would say (would you want to do the daily school routine but never have down time with your family?)

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 12:12

AssumingDirectControl · 05/10/2022 12:06

I can’t imagine the children would want to never see their mum at weekends, never mind what their mum would say (would you want to do the daily school routine but never have down time with your family?)

Tough needs must. If she can't afford to feed them then dad can do it at his house.

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 12:19

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 12:12

Tough needs must. If she can't afford to feed them then dad can do it at his house.

When my ex-husband was in that position i used to send packed lunches with the children so that they could see their father which is the morally correct thing to do.

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SafeMove · 05/10/2022 12:25

This is such a weird way to be an adult. You can't just unilaterally decide the take a massive financial hit on your household income and expect another couple to pick up the slack, based on the fact that one half of the first couple used to have sex with one half of the other and produced children ffs.

I have had children with two different men - they both have new partners, as have I. If I turned round and said my fiance doesn't fancy doing his highly paid job and is going to work in a NMW job instead, so you have to make up the shortfall, the fathers of my DC and their partners would tell me to jog on. Rightly so!

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bellabasset · 05/10/2022 12:33

In your situation I'd suggest your dh pays the amount set out by CMS. It's up to their mother to claim any benefits they're entitled to. You could have them longer or contribute by way of buying clothing so you knew the children benefitted directly from extra contributions

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 13:25

AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 12:19

When my ex-husband was in that position i used to send packed lunches with the children so that they could see their father which is the morally correct thing to do.

That's a good idea. Can your DH afford to do this OP?

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:06

Send a packed lunch?

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Hearthnhome · 05/10/2022 15:10

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 13:25

That's a good idea. Can your DH afford to do this OP?

Not sure how the dh driving over to the mothers house every weekend with 2 days of packed lunches would help.

Or how well it would be received by by the mother.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 15:11

Hearthnhome · 05/10/2022 15:10

Not sure how the dh driving over to the mothers house every weekend with 2 days of packed lunches would help.

Or how well it would be received by by the mother.

Better than nothing if she's struggling

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TwinsAndTiramisu · 05/10/2022 15:12

Ummm... She's being a grabby chancer (and she knows it) asking for more of OPs money with the ridiculous justification that her partner is choosing to quit work.

If she's that much of an entitled dick to even try that, sending no extra money, but a packed lunch, is going to send her seething 😅

OP... Don't send a packed lunch.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 15:12

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:06

Send a packed lunch?

Only if mum wants. Or just a loaf of bread and some beans. That way he knows the kids will be fed.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 15:13

TwinsAndTiramisu · 05/10/2022 15:12

Ummm... She's being a grabby chancer (and she knows it) asking for more of OPs money with the ridiculous justification that her partner is choosing to quit work.

If she's that much of an entitled dick to even try that, sending no extra money, but a packed lunch, is going to send her seething 😅

OP... Don't send a packed lunch.

Well yeah don't just send it but I don't see why DH shouldn't offer if she's so hard up she's asking for more money from OP

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:19

Would definitely not send a packed lunch don't want the "I'm not a charity case" argument

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 15:20

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:19

Would definitely not send a packed lunch don't want the "I'm not a charity case" argument

Fair enough she shouldn't be asking for your donations to her children then.

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Discovereads · 05/10/2022 15:21

Honestly, if you and DH want to help with an aim to improve the lives of the children, if I were your DH I’d offer to buy the childrens school uniforms (bit late for this year, but a growth spurt will happen at some point) or pay for any after school activities his DC might want to do, or even just make sure they get something really nice at Christmas, or start planning a family holiday next summer with his DC (obviously not their mother and partner).

It’s up to you if you want to chip in or not, as a step mother. Depends on the relationship you have with the DSC. Not obligated to. You have a say too in how much he spends on them as he can’t unilaterally say spend half his salary on them and then expect to sponge off you. So it’s really a mutual discussion to be had.

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altmember · 05/10/2022 15:22

Suggest DSC comes to live with you, and then they can pay the £££ instead.

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:27

We're hoping to go to Disneyland California in two years, and next year we're going to France.

I've offered to take my DSS on my business trips too!

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 15:30

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:27

We're hoping to go to Disneyland California in two years, and next year we're going to France.

I've offered to take my DSS on my business trips too!

Oh not disneyland! People get so funny about Disney land in "blended" families. Anyway. I hope they all love it! You sound nice and caring just not a pushover.

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TwinsAndTiramisu · 05/10/2022 15:34

The children have two parents.

The mother's situation has not changed. She remains a TA.

The father's situation has not changed. He remains a teacher.

The payment from the father to the mother, therefore doesn't change.

The mother is confusing her decision to set up with a work shy numpty that she is choosing to subsidise and taking money that she should be spending on her own children, as anyone's problem but hers. It's not the father's problem she is funding her man instead of her DC. It's certainly not the father's partners.

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Collaborate · 05/10/2022 15:37

ironingboredrefusal · 04/10/2022 22:30

Let's not pretend that in most cases what the CMS says non resident parents pay is the right amount by any means. Especially as it depletes when the non resident parent has more children or lives with someone who has children. It's shocking what non resident parents are told they have to pay and the fact if they go around having more children or live with someone else who has kids that that amount goes down. Should be a set amount of at least £1000 a month to be realistic.

You're surely joking? I fear not. I didn't realise that people could think this way. Shocking.

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:54

@TwinsAndTiramisu my DH isn't a teacher (he's in manual work). The DSC's stepdad is the former teacher

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 15:55

@Collaborate The issue is loss of earnings by the resident parent they literally have both hands tied behind their back because the non-resident parent does not have to contribute towards childcare, The non-resident parent doesn’t have to do any childcare - utterly unenforceable and often the non-resident parent isn’t contributing financially anywhere near what they used to do when they were a couple.
obviously benefits pick up the slack for people under a certain income level.
In my case I went from earning 70,000 a year plus his 70,000 a year. To earning £35k because I couldn’t carry on with my job. How was that fair ? £1,000 Would’ve been very welcomed but frankly wouldn’t have touched the sides

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Discovereads · 05/10/2022 15:58

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 15:27

We're hoping to go to Disneyland California in two years, and next year we're going to France.

I've offered to take my DSS on my business trips too!

That’s amazing of you. They’re luck to have a nice step mum like you.

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OhamIreally · 05/10/2022 16:01

@AuntSalli exactly this. Someone is subsidising that man and it's either the resident parent or the tax payer.

In OP's case it's both her and the kids' mother.

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