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AIBU?

To not want to pay extra £££ for DSC?

218 replies

Dontwanttopay · 04/10/2022 22:17

Of our current basic overheads my DHs salary covers about 35% so my income pays for 65% of that plus all other extras (going out, entertainment, random extra DC expenses, uniforms, etc...)

His exWs DP has decided that he doesn't want to do his job anymore, so my DHs exW has said that considering they're going to lose that her DPs income, they're going to need more money.

I'm 100% against it. When I was made redundant and we lost my income we never asked for any reduction (considering I'm the higher earner) AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££ and maybe at that stage we would have gotten more than them.

Any money comes from my income, something I do t have to fork out for THEIR life decisions, and if my DH doesn't want to fight with her, well he's welcome to get a second job.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1841 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
3%
You are NOT being unreasonable
97%
Yousee · 05/10/2022 04:55

What does DH think? Is he jumping for joy at the chance to effectively pay for some random man to quit his job?

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Dontsparethehorses · 05/10/2022 05:07

There is obviously some strange dynamics at play

”they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££”

his ex does not have any say in you applying for UC. That is for you and your family financial situation. But at the same time you can’t tell her to apply for UC. That is for her family and her financial situation.

if you think the children will struggle and be impacted by them having less and you can spare some I can understand why your dh might want to increase- could he pay for something specific eg a club rather than just increase monthly amount? If you can’t afford it or they aren’t at risk of going without just say no

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Glenthebattleostrich · 05/10/2022 05:24

So basically you and your partner are being asked to fund the stepfather not fancying working anymore?

I'm not sure why you are getting a hard time OP, especially as the stepfather who has caused their drop in income hasn't been mentioned. Mumsnets hatred of stepmothers is very clearly on display.

In your position I'd say no. You and your partner could have more time with the children (an actual win win) but there is no way I'd be paying extra and taking money from my family home because a grown man doesn't like his job so doesn't fancy it anymore. As you pointed out, when your household had a drop in income it didn't impact their household so why should it work the other way?

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OhamIreally · 05/10/2022 05:32

DottyLittleRainbow · 04/10/2022 23:04

If he is paying what he should already this should be a hard no.

Lol at the PP who suggests minimum £1000 a month 😂😂😂

Childcare alone can easily cost £1000 per month. It's horrific that CMS doesn't take any account of that.

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Hearthnhome · 05/10/2022 05:40

I don’t get why she would have had any say in you claiming UC?

Your wage and her Dps wage are completely irrelevant and have no impact on what he should pay. The money shouldn’t go up because her dp wants to quit his job. It’s a ridiculous proposal. I am struggling to believe someone would even suggest that.

As for the people saying ‘it should be £1000 a month minimum’, how do you propose someone on 24k lives, if they pay out £1000 for CMS before anything else?

it doesn’t cost 2k per month to raise a child.

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StClare101 · 05/10/2022 05:48

Why does she have any say in you claiming UC? And why is her partner not working even relevant? I don’t understand your post?

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Pepperama · 05/10/2022 05:49

Is your other half’s child staying with you too? I’d make sure they don’t go without because of the parents’ stupid decisions but the extra expenditure would need up be targeted directly to them - school stuff, books, clothes, toys etc. More money will fund the parents rather than benefit the kid

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stepmumspacepodcast · 05/10/2022 05:58

Yanbu

if stepdad has just decided to quit then that’s on them. sounds like there might be another reason though?

will it mean the kids lives are affected? That is hard and would make me want to help if I could but really tricky as it shouldn’t be on you to do that x

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Thehonestbadger · 05/10/2022 05:59

You shouldn’t be paying CMS out of your salary unless your DH is a SAHP to your children and it was agreed beforehand. Otherwise no you have no obligation to be paying that at all.

However, the child will likely be the one to suffer here and they certainly don’t deserve it. Basic CMS is really not enough if we are all honest, it’s a token amount and even £20 more is still pretty tight on your DH part. It might be ‘all he can afford’ but I suspect he has a much nicer lifestyle than his child now will.

could you find a middle ground? Maybe offer to have DSC an extra night or day for a while…etc? Maybe offer a token extra bit of support but without opening the purse strings directly. I suspect any increase in payment would be permanent and take the pressure of the partner to find another job which would put me off a short term increase.
you’re not responsible for the partners bills

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silentpool · 05/10/2022 06:11

I think his ex-w is deluded and you should nip this nonsense in the bud.

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Shinyhappyperson22 · 05/10/2022 06:15

If it’s all joint family money that mumsnet is so keen on then either way the OP is paying still. As it comes out of his salary and that’s a bill or whatever he can’t pay towards as he is on a lower wage, as Op said in her original point so @Dontwanttopay covers it.

Op he needs to deal with this and to go back to her and say No. He/you won’t be paying more he is paying what he has been asked to. I wouldn’t say it out loud because it would be taken advantage of but If the child needs physical things he maybe could help there.

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Shinyhappyperson22 · 05/10/2022 06:18

I meant to say he could offer to have said child more often if they are struggling. I know that the money isn’t enough but if you pay more it won’t go directly to the child anyway by the sounds of it. I’d just make sure on stays with you that child has everything they need.

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Aprilx · 05/10/2022 06:25

I don’t even know why you are asking. Of course it is not up to you to cover her partner not working. That is the beginning and end of it. Your income and indeed her partners income do not come into this, the two other people need to sort it out.

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NeverCleanAgain · 05/10/2022 06:31

I can never understand people who say “he needs to be paying it, not you” when theOP and her DH clearly share finances, she’s the higher earner and neither of them are rolling in it. It’s obviously just going to mean that effectively it’s coming out of OP’s money as he’ll be able to contribute less than the 35% of monthly costs that he currently does.

Whats your dh said about it @Dontwanttopay? Her husband’s lifestyle choices aren’t your responsibility.

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UnderCoverFieldAgent · 05/10/2022 06:37

Wow, just wow! You and your DH are not responsible for her lifestyle choices. He’s contributing his share for their kids and that’s enough. The issue is that she isn’t willing to ensure that she can provide her share. Well she’s just going to have to work that one out. I’ll tell you what we do though as my DH pay child maintenance and the ex seems to think she has a right to my salary 🙄 🙄 We know we doesn’t have a lot so when we see they need something we’ll just get it. The most recent was about 3 weeks ago when DSS turned up in a coat that was about 2 sizes too small. We just told him he had a budget of £50 and to choose something online to be sent to his home.

Basically, we don’t up the maintenance (as she chooses to work part time term time with an 18 and 12 year old) but buy things instead when we can afford them.

Maybe offer that from time to time?

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Tiswa · 05/10/2022 06:38

Yes why does she have any say in this it seems odd

if you are paying the recommended amount what scope does she have.

your DP needs to say no and have some boundaries in place - and decide if you should have your DSC more which is different to giving them money

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UnderCoverFieldAgent · 05/10/2022 06:40

ironingboredrefusal · 04/10/2022 22:30

Let's not pretend that in most cases what the CMS says non resident parents pay is the right amount by any means. Especially as it depletes when the non resident parent has more children or lives with someone who has children. It's shocking what non resident parents are told they have to pay and the fact if they go around having more children or live with someone else who has kids that that amount goes down. Should be a set amount of at least £1000 a month to be realistic.

OMG…really?!!! I would have loved to have gotten £1k a month from my ex husband but I don’t live in La-La land. Also, if my husband had to pay £2k a month for his two, we wouldn’t be able to afford to even see them as we couldn’t afford to have a house with enough bedrooms for them to stay, let alone the fuel to drive to see them. 🙄

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girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 06:42

CMS is paid based on his income, not theirs.

Their earning are their problem. Offer to have DSC 50/50 instead then nobody pays anything.

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OneForTheRoadThen · 05/10/2022 06:44

I'm guessing the OP and her DH wouldn't be eligible for any UC unless they had a child on their claim and the ex doesn't want to let them add one of the children as they can only be on one claim.

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HollyJollyXmas57 · 05/10/2022 06:46

OhamIreally · 05/10/2022 05:32

Childcare alone can easily cost £1000 per month. It's horrific that CMS doesn't take any account of that.

Childcare shouldn’t be taken into account for CMS. I don’t think it’s horrific at all.

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Checkmateready · 05/10/2022 06:46

Her DP will have to go and find himself another job. Can’t believe her cheek.

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HollyJollyXmas57 · 05/10/2022 06:46

OP you don’t need to give any extra. Just laugh. It’s not your problem her DP doesn’t like his job

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rageapplied · 05/10/2022 06:47

You need to make your DH responsible for paying his maintenance. I don't know why you're paying it.

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Iamnotthe1 · 05/10/2022 06:50

OhamIreally · 05/10/2022 05:32

Childcare alone can easily cost £1000 per month. It's horrific that CMS doesn't take any account of that.

The average cost of raising a child to 18 currently sits at around 190k. This includes childcare, a share of other costs that increase through having children (bills and so on.), food, clothes, etc.

A non-resident parent paying £1000 per month would be covering his/her half, the resident parent's half and a little extra. It's a ridiculous suggestion.

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Isaidnoalready · 05/10/2022 07:05

StClare101 · 05/10/2022 05:48

Why does she have any say in you claiming UC? And why is her partner not working even relevant? I don’t understand your post?

Claiming for the child I assumed

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