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AIBU?

To not want to pay extra £££ for DSC?

218 replies

Dontwanttopay · 04/10/2022 22:17

Of our current basic overheads my DHs salary covers about 35% so my income pays for 65% of that plus all other extras (going out, entertainment, random extra DC expenses, uniforms, etc...)

His exWs DP has decided that he doesn't want to do his job anymore, so my DHs exW has said that considering they're going to lose that her DPs income, they're going to need more money.

I'm 100% against it. When I was made redundant and we lost my income we never asked for any reduction (considering I'm the higher earner) AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££ and maybe at that stage we would have gotten more than them.

Any money comes from my income, something I do t have to fork out for THEIR life decisions, and if my DH doesn't want to fight with her, well he's welcome to get a second job.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1841 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
97%
Glenthebattleostrich · 05/10/2022 08:04

"Tbh I don’t know why £1000 a month is so funny. If the person paying is a high earner (I realise that’s a big if) and wants the resident parent to live in the same expensive area as they do, then it’s quite reasonable. CM isn’t just about “child only” expenses - it’s about giving the child an overall good standard of living with both partners."

So by this argument if the resident parent has a nicer house and higher salary should they forgo maintenance and in fact pay the non resident parent so that they can have a nice house in a nice area?

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user443741922 · 05/10/2022 08:06

CM is exactly that. A contribution towards to costs of the child. Child only!
It isn't to fund a lifestyle that the RP feels that they should provide 🙄 £1000 a month 😂

And how do you expect the NRP to afford to also live and provide a safe second home for the child. Also healthy meals & clean clothes etc.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2022 08:09

CM is a pittance unfortunately, especially on your dp’s salary. If you can afford it, I wouldn’t see the children suffer. However, it would be spent on stuff rather than to them. You talk about your dp getting a second job. Is there any scope for a higher paid one?

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Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2022 08:10

Oh he’s a dh. It’s the ex’s partner, who’s a dp…

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NotJustAnybody · 05/10/2022 08:14

Stick to your guns OP. You're already paying 65% of all household expenses plus all the extras and expenses for your DC. If your DP wants to pay his ex more that would in effect mean he's effectively paying less in the joint pot for his DC with you? Your income is irrelevant to CM, none of their business. Your carrying him as it is. CF ex can bugger off and claim UC if needs be.

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Threelittlelambs · 05/10/2022 08:16

CM is a pittance unfortunately, especially on your dp’s salary. If you can afford it, I wouldn’t see the children suffer

Did you read the OP?

Her husbands ex wife’s new husband has decided to quit his job so ex wife wants OP and Husband to increase payments to make up the short fall!!

Absolute cheek!’

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:17

My DH has reached the top of his pay scale and I think he's been quite lucky about it.

To me their conversation sounded like he agreed to more £££ , but he argues that not he agreed to "think about it".

OP posts:
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Whatafustercluck · 05/10/2022 08:18

People saying it should come out of his income are missing the point. If his outgoings increase then the op's income will need to stretch further to cover the loss. Whichever way you look at it, she pays. But, they're married. And when you're married or in a long term relationship you share the load, so "his income/ her income" doesn't really hold true. This was the situation in our relationship when my step children were growing up and dh's payments increased every year in line with inflation. I also paid more into holidays with the children because dh couldn't afford it.

I think his ex and her DP are taking the piss, yes. And no, I don't think either of you should be subsidising their life choices, which I do also think is a thing.

But the reality is, women need to go into relationships like this with their eyes open to the challenges that can arise over the years. It's really hard work and yes, sometimes it feels unfair. But a man's obligation to his children is life long, or at least should be if he's a keeper.

All I can say op is that whatever happens you cannot afford for acrimony. It's really harmful to all of you, not just the children. I speak from experience. If your dh and ex are able to have a civil conversation and find a way forward, that's always preferable. As a step mum you will rarely win.

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HollyJollyXmas57 · 05/10/2022 08:18

ironingboredrefusal · 04/10/2022 22:30

Let's not pretend that in most cases what the CMS says non resident parents pay is the right amount by any means. Especially as it depletes when the non resident parent has more children or lives with someone who has children. It's shocking what non resident parents are told they have to pay and the fact if they go around having more children or live with someone else who has kids that that amount goes down. Should be a set amount of at least £1000 a month to be realistic.

You must be having a laugh!

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 08:19

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:17

My DH has reached the top of his pay scale and I think he's been quite lucky about it.

To me their conversation sounded like he agreed to more £££ , but he argues that not he agreed to "think about it".

Wtf. Then he should say no he doesn't have the cash to subsidise her household's career choices.

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HollyJollyXmas57 · 05/10/2022 08:20

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:17

My DH has reached the top of his pay scale and I think he's been quite lucky about it.

To me their conversation sounded like he agreed to more £££ , but he argues that not he agreed to "think about it".

Why would he even agree to ‘think about it’…

Its not your job to make up any shortfall as his ExW DP wants to quit his job.

It should of just been a no, don’t be so stupid.

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Ponoka7 · 05/10/2022 08:21

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:02

Well he used to be a teacher and then couldn't handle it so he quit. She's a TA so not making tons of money at all.

Is that you OP? Looking at your other threads, one I remembered, your DH needs a kick up the arse. Part of your issues was his debt? On top he complains about what he sees as your failings and tries to tell you how you should be doing things, even though you are expected to earn six figures this year?

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 08:22

People saying it should come out of his income are missing the point. If his outgoings increase then the op's income will need to stretch further to cover the loss. I was trying to say that OP's income should be completely disregarded for the basis of the calculation. So DH would be paying the same whatever based on CMS amount. If after accounting for his share of his households bills he has any spare cash (is he given a sort of free spending money allowance?) Then it can come out of that if he wants to pay extra.

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Quartz2208 · 05/10/2022 08:24

He shouldnt need to think about it.

The money is for your DSC not for them to live of. The options are I think to continue or you have a discussion about taking the DSC more.

But neither you nor he are responsible for two grown adults bills!

What is the dynamic though

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billy1966 · 05/10/2022 08:34

My goodness, what a shit show you signed up for.

Clearly you have mug and work horse tattooed on your forehead.

What exactly was his appeal?

Protect yourself and the children you have chosen to have.

He needs to get a second job and start paying his way.

YANBU.

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Whatafustercluck · 05/10/2022 08:37

Sorry @properdoughnut, ok I understand. I'm probably projecting. With dh, he agreed in writing to increase payments each year in line with inflation. His salary didn't keep pace, so although the base calculation was correct it became skewed over the years and he'd committed.

I also think a distinction needs to be drawn between essentials and nice to haves. The calculations are based on what is actually needed to get by, rather than to really live. We wanted to be able to take the children for days out, holidays (admittedly only camping in the UK), a few non essential extras etc. His money wouldn't have covered that, so mine did.

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properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 08:41

@Whatafustercluck That sounds a nightmare!

My DH agreed to the CMS amount only and then sends extra for things like school trips. His CMS amount is pretty high though at the moment so it's not been an issue. I guess it's a problem when CMS is small and the receiving parent's income is also small. I don't think that should be any partners problem though unless they've made some kind of joint agreement to reduce the paying parent's income.

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rageapplied · 05/10/2022 08:46

Can you go 50/50 then no maintenance is due?

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:52

We could go 50/50 but we don't live local to the school so it would bring its own complications

OP posts:
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girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 09:00

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:52

We could go 50/50 but we don't live local to the school so it would bring its own complications

How far away are you?

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rageapplied · 05/10/2022 09:01

Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 08:52

We could go 50/50 but we don't live local to the school so it would bring its own complications

Which would be?

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OneForTheRoadThen · 05/10/2022 09:05

Going 50/50 means splitting all costs down the middle including holiday clubs, uniform etc. it's likely to be a significantly higher cost than the maintenance calculated on a £24k salary. It's not a way to get out of or reduce maintenance!

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girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 09:06

OneForTheRoadThen · 05/10/2022 09:05

Going 50/50 means splitting all costs down the middle including holiday clubs, uniform etc. it's likely to be a significantly higher cost than the maintenance calculated on a £24k salary. It's not a way to get out of or reduce maintenance!

No but it's a perfectly reasonable way to know you're funding your child and not your ex wife's new boyfriend.

And also means you get to spend more time with your child which is nice.

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FridayTheThirteeth · 05/10/2022 09:07

You pay what the correct contribution is and no more. The life decisions of others (deciding to quit his job) should not impact on you. When you have children over any extra including the extra £20 he pays could be spent on the child/children directly (clothing etc) and not to the exwife and her poor choices in partner.

Stand your ground and perhaps they should both work a bit harder or more!

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Addicted2LoveIsland · 05/10/2022 09:11

Why is he not going through the child maintenance service? It's down to his salary and how much time the child spends at yours. You shouldn't be paying anything towards his child unless you want to. It would be a NO from me. YANBU

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