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AIBU?

To not want to pay extra £££ for DSC?

218 replies

Dontwanttopay · 04/10/2022 22:17

Of our current basic overheads my DHs salary covers about 35% so my income pays for 65% of that plus all other extras (going out, entertainment, random extra DC expenses, uniforms, etc...)

His exWs DP has decided that he doesn't want to do his job anymore, so my DHs exW has said that considering they're going to lose that her DPs income, they're going to need more money.

I'm 100% against it. When I was made redundant and we lost my income we never asked for any reduction (considering I'm the higher earner) AND they could claim for UC. Something she'd never let us do, when it could have been handy to have the extra £££ and maybe at that stage we would have gotten more than them.

Any money comes from my income, something I do t have to fork out for THEIR life decisions, and if my DH doesn't want to fight with her, well he's welcome to get a second job.

AIBU?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 09:15

It's a 70min round trip which doesn't seem extreme, but it means we'd always be late for work, and the earliest you the DSC can be collected is around 545. There's a bus but their DM is against it (search me!!)

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rageapplied · 05/10/2022 09:17

So then they get the bus. It's nothing to do with their mother how they get to school when they're with you.

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averageavocado · 05/10/2022 09:23

How old and how many DC are there?

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Sceptre86 · 05/10/2022 09:26

In this case you are very unreasonable to put your earnings with your dh's. His maintenance payments come from his wages not yours. It isn't a shared expense. You have 3 CFs in this scenario. Your dh needs to get a second job or have the balls to tell his ex that you aren't subsidising their lifestyle. Honestly do you need all this stress? I'd tell all 3 to f off.

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 09:30

There's 2 of them. The youngest is 10 and the reason why they don't take the bus. Once she goes to secondary, I think they'll have no choice.

Just checked the CMS website and yes, there's no issue there, so she could take it that way if she really wants to.

I don't care if they all get butthurt no court of law will say my salary should "provide" for the DC. Obviously in reality it does provide/subsidise but not in the cold transactional nature of CM.

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Wheresthebeach · 05/10/2022 09:32

HelloBambinos · 04/10/2022 23:12

Hell to the NO from me! You are absolutely NOT being Unreasonable. In a nutshell she's saying...'My partner doesn't feel like working anymore but that's ok you can just give us more money can't you? Great, thanks' 🤣🤦‍♀️ this screams CF.

Well quite. Tell them to get back to work and pay their own way.

Neither partner should have their income taken into account.

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2022 09:32

£20 above the bare minimum isnt much to be honest. Assuming they are living with her for the majority of the time it wont really put a dent in what it costs to raise them, especially with the cost of living increase which will be costing her (but assume that he hasnt increased his payments in line with recent inflation).

So I think he should pay more because of this. The circumstances of her partner are irrelevant

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 09:38

That’s the bottom line isn’t it the reasons why she needs the money you’re absolutely none of your business and she’s stupid to be sharing that level of information with you personally I would never do that.
but equally I’ve always said if the shoe was on the other foot and my children were living somewhere else I’d be sleeping in my car to make sure they got everything none of this two houses, extra kids nonsense.

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EL8888 · 05/10/2022 09:40

FridayTheThirteeth · 05/10/2022 09:07

You pay what the correct contribution is and no more. The life decisions of others (deciding to quit his job) should not impact on you. When you have children over any extra including the extra £20 he pays could be spent on the child/children directly (clothing etc) and not to the exwife and her poor choices in partner.

Stand your ground and perhaps they should both work a bit harder or more!

All this. Their decision = their problem. I would just decline and not get into a debate about it. People need to feel the implications of their actions

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 09:40

My quote didn’t show in the post but basically I was agreeing it’s really not your problem.

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AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/10/2022 09:42

Surely the income of anyone other than the parents is irrelevant? Not anyone else's responsibility to pay for other peoples kids?

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girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 09:43

I'd take the 50/50 split and do the journey. Your husband will need to ask work for a bit of flexibility.

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HeythereDelilah101 · 05/10/2022 09:45

Your income shouldn’t even come into what he pays for maintenance. It should be calculated on his income and circumstances. So why are you paying?

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Yousee · 05/10/2022 09:46

but equally I’ve always said if the shoe was on the other foot and my children were living somewhere else I’d be sleeping in my car to make sure they got everything none of this two houses, extra kids nonsense
What? They would have "everything" except a proper home and relationship with you if you did that. What "everything" is more important to a child than that?
Top points for hypothetical martyrdom though 🤔

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 09:47

In the grand scheme of things if I'm a high earner or the DSCs stepdad decides to change careers is irrelevant to the conversation.

I assume to HER it most be a strange setup that the children have to live in a 6 figure household Vs a lowish salary + UC top ups. But that's not my fault!

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Meanderingpuppy · 05/10/2022 09:50

Can't your DP and ex wife work our roughly how much the DC cost and then decide how they split it fairly? You shouldn't be supplementing your DPs ex wife's DP not working. However, it does depend on whether your DP has been paying enough currently. It may be that his ex has been paying more than her fair share, and can't afford to keep this up. It is for your DP to pay though, not you

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 09:50

Yousee · 05/10/2022 09:46

but equally I’ve always said if the shoe was on the other foot and my children were living somewhere else I’d be sleeping in my car to make sure they got everything none of this two houses, extra kids nonsense
What? They would have "everything" except a proper home and relationship with you if you did that. What "everything" is more important to a child than that?
Top points for hypothetical martyrdom though 🤔

Hardly, my relationship with my children isn’t dependent on marrying to somebody else popping out a couple of other kids and having a nice house, if anything I would imagine that most of that would be detrimental to them. I’m sure you understood the sentiment though.

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MileyWiley · 05/10/2022 09:51

£1000 a month maintenance? I’m a parent and know what it costs to raise children but that suggestion is insane.

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Dontwanttopay · 05/10/2022 09:55

He'd need to get a second job though, which would have repercussions within our own household.

I'm way more for 50/50 (or even a higher split).

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2022 10:01

Everyone jumping down my throat for my comments about reasonably equal lifestyles, it’s literally how courts approach it when it’s a financial settlement after a marriage.

”The needs of the parties, in particular the housing needs, in particular of the children”

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Yousee · 05/10/2022 10:01

I’m sure you understood the sentiment though
No, in my world parents should parent and they can't do that if they live in a car. You'd be able to visit them in their "everything" home possibly, or take them on outings like a fun auntie at best rather than a parent.
You'd also be fucked if something went wrong with the other house and you had no home or stability to offer your children. My DHs ex and DSD would currently be in full on crisis if DH did as you suggest and didn't have a home for DSD.

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 10:03

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2022 10:01

Everyone jumping down my throat for my comments about reasonably equal lifestyles, it’s literally how courts approach it when it’s a financial settlement after a marriage.

”The needs of the parties, in particular the housing needs, in particular of the children”

Is it fcuk.
I have personal experience of this and a judge was very comfortable making my child and I homeless. X claimed that the child could live with him which was clearly impossible and would’ve required major upheaval changing of schools etc Judge didn’t care.

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AuntSalli · 05/10/2022 10:04

Yousee · 05/10/2022 10:01

I’m sure you understood the sentiment though
No, in my world parents should parent and they can't do that if they live in a car. You'd be able to visit them in their "everything" home possibly, or take them on outings like a fun auntie at best rather than a parent.
You'd also be fucked if something went wrong with the other house and you had no home or stability to offer your children. My DHs ex and DSD would currently be in full on crisis if DH did as you suggest and didn't have a home for DSD.

My experience is that they don’t parent anyway even if they are living in the lovely house with the new partner 🤷‍♀️

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Discovereads · 05/10/2022 10:09

YABU to be quibbling back and forth, just have your partner go through CMS. Then they cannot be demanding more than they are entitled to from your household to support your partners’ children. While I agree the CMS should come out of his salary, I think that’s largely theoretical because it affects household money and therefore you as well. I also cannot say whether their demand for “more” is reasonable or not, if he’s been paying less than what CMS would require because her partner had a great job then he’s been getting off easy and should pay more. On other hand, he could be paying more than he should and the ex-wife is a CFer. Can’t tell from info given, so go through CMS.

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Yousee · 05/10/2022 10:10

My experience is that DH does the parenting of his child, including the grim bits, and I am the fun auntie character who organises trips and buys glitter.
At no point did I say they home particularly had to be lovely or nice, not does there have to be a new partner or children in it, it just has to be available and secure

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