I've been with my DP about a year and a half, we are in our early/mid thirties. For the most part we have had a loving, fun, close and happy relationship and he feels like my best friend. I've got to know his family and friends well and our lives have become well integrated with one another's.
In the last couple of months, one of the slow-burning issues we have had for a while has come to a head. This mainly centres around the usual textbook case of that I prefer to cope by connecting, and he copes by disconnecting. So when we have had a tiff, he disappears, I feel abandoned and when he returns I'm anxious and critical. He then runs away some more. Ironically we only ever have a tiff if I feel invalidated or unheard, or he feels criticised. I also feel I carry much more of the mental load when it comes to making plans, holidays etc, and sometimes in those moments if I'm e.g. struggling to make a decision, I've yearned to feel like I have an equal adult partner rather than feeling alone with all the responsibility.
We came back from a difficult holiday in Sept - it got so bad at one point we decided to part ways one night and do our own thing for a bit of space. The next morning I realised he had left me in the city we were in and was some distance away heading back to our airport city in our hire car. I felt so abandoned and excruciatingly upset. Things got more stressful once we got back because he received news a family member only had a short while left to live. We made the decision to put our issues on the back burner for a bit to deal with that and I've tried to be a supportive presence to him and his family during a difficult time. Relative has since died and funeral is next week, which I know has upset him more than he is letting on.
Last week we had another big argument. I reached a breaking point because I wasn't feeling heard and he was getting defensive when I was trying to express that (although tbf I was shouting at this point) so I yelled at him to get the fuck out my house, leave his keys and to not come back. To be honest, I really just wanted him to acknowledge just how upset I was and what I desperately wanted was a hug and some reassurance and kindness but I wasn't getting that so I needed him out my space. It was the meanest thing I've ever said to him, I feel dreadful about it and I want to apologise for it. Unfortunately he took that to mean I was breaking up with him, so he packed his stuff out my house and left, even though before he left I said I hadn't meant that, I was just angry and upset. He went on radio silence following that, for 4 days, despite me contacting him later that night to say I would like for us to have a civil conversation, de-ecalate and find a way to reconnect.
Those 4 days were absolute hell, pure emotional torment. I called him on day 5 like wtf, we need to talk. So he came round that night, and had brought with him a bag of all my stuff, and when I say all, he had gutted his house out of every tiny thing of mine. I mean like random hair bobbles. I was totally blindsided but he was resolute we were breaking up and it was what he wanted. We then talked for a couple of hours about what had happened in our relationship, we apologised to each other for things and when I pointed out that it was ironic we were finally able to have a calm, considered, loving and attentive conversation, it was about breaking up, he acknowledged that but insisted we needed the time apart at least for a month to reassess how we feel. Which was different to what he originally said when he came in. But I was desperate for him not to walk away altogether so I agreed. We still have keys to each other's houses, and we left things with a cuddle and a kiss.
Today has been exactly one week since that night and we have had no contact. It has been an excruciatingly painful week. I feel lost, hurt, anxious, confused, upset, abandoned, angry and like the whole thing is just senseless. I don't think our issues were irreconcilable, and I think turning up with a bag of my stuff is brutal. I would love nothing more in the world than to hear from him and find a way to reconnect. Earlier today I did a brave thing and messaged him about something we had agreed we would do together and time is running out to arrange it. I said I'm going to make arrangements to do it as I'd like to, and it would be lovely if he joined but I understand if not, and just to let me know. I haven't had a reply.
I'm in tormented agony right now. I'm trying to keep on top of all the basics of self-care but I'm in hell. Each day that goes by, I don't know if I'm moving closer towards reconciliation or getting past a break up. The uncertainty and lack of clarity is breaking me. I know he will be anxious and fretful right now about how to reply so will be burying his head in the sand. I might have accidentally pushed him further away with that message, I don't know.
AIBU to expect one tiny shred of decency and care from a human being who I've shared my life with for the last year and a half and to get a reply?
Moreover, AIBU to say you don't need a month of silence to figure out if you want to attempt to reconcile with someone? I feel really desperate and don't know what the hell else to do here. I've had mixed advice from family and friends about waiting out the month, not waiting, waiting a bit, going round to his house, cutting him out altogether and every other option in between.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate that was long.