AIBU to expect a reply even though he wants space? (A long one)

[FlannelopePitstop]

I've been with my DP about a year and a half, we are in our early/mid thirties. For the most part we have had a loving, fun, close and happy relationship and he feels like my best friend. I've got to know his family and friends well and our lives have become well integrated with one another's.

In the last couple of months, one of the slow-burning issues we have had for a while has come to a head. This mainly centres around the usual textbook case of that I prefer to cope by connecting, and he copes by disconnecting. So when we have had a tiff, he disappears, I feel abandoned and when he returns I'm anxious and critical. He then runs away some more. Ironically we only ever have a tiff if I feel invalidated or unheard, or he feels criticised. I also feel I carry much more of the mental load when it comes to making plans, holidays etc, and sometimes in those moments if I'm e.g. struggling to make a decision, I've yearned to feel like I have an equal adult partner rather than feeling alone with all the responsibility.

We came back from a difficult holiday in Sept - it got so bad at one point we decided to part ways one night and do our own thing for a bit of space. The next morning I realised he had left me in the city we were in and was some distance away heading back to our airport city in our hire car. I felt so abandoned and excruciatingly upset. Things got more stressful once we got back because he received news a family member only had a short while left to live. We made the decision to put our issues on the back burner for a bit to deal with that and I've tried to be a supportive presence to him and his family during a difficult time. Relative has since died and funeral is next week, which I know has upset him more than he is letting on.

Last week we had another big argument. I reached a breaking point because I wasn't feeling heard and he was getting defensive when I was trying to express that (although tbf I was shouting at this point) so I yelled at him to get the fuck out my house, leave his keys and to not come back. To be honest, I really just wanted him to acknowledge just how upset I was and what I desperately wanted was a hug and some reassurance and kindness but I wasn't getting that so I needed him out my space. It was the meanest thing I've ever said to him, I feel dreadful about it and I want to apologise for it. Unfortunately he took that to mean I was breaking up with him, so he packed his stuff out my house and left, even though before he left I said I hadn't meant that, I was just angry and upset. He went on radio silence following that, for 4 days, despite me contacting him later that night to say I would like for us to have a civil conversation, de-ecalate and find a way to reconnect.

Those 4 days were absolute hell, pure emotional torment. I called him on day 5 like wtf, we need to talk. So he came round that night, and had brought with him a bag of all my stuff, and when I say all, he had gutted his house out of every tiny thing of mine. I mean like random hair bobbles. I was totally blindsided but he was resolute we were breaking up and it was what he wanted. We then talked for a couple of hours about what had happened in our relationship, we apologised to each other for things and when I pointed out that it was ironic we were finally able to have a calm, considered, loving and attentive conversation, it was about breaking up, he acknowledged that but insisted we needed the time apart at least for a month to reassess how we feel. Which was different to what he originally said when he came in. But I was desperate for him not to walk away altogether so I agreed. We still have keys to each other's houses, and we left things with a cuddle and a kiss.

Today has been exactly one week since that night and we have had no contact. It has been an excruciatingly painful week. I feel lost, hurt, anxious, confused, upset, abandoned, angry and like the whole thing is just senseless. I don't think our issues were irreconcilable, and I think turning up with a bag of my stuff is brutal. I would love nothing more in the world than to hear from him and find a way to reconnect. Earlier today I did a brave thing and messaged him about something we had agreed we would do together and time is running out to arrange it. I said I'm going to make arrangements to do it as I'd like to, and it would be lovely if he joined but I understand if not, and just to let me know. I haven't had a reply.

I'm in tormented agony right now. I'm trying to keep on top of all the basics of self-care but I'm in hell. Each day that goes by, I don't know if I'm moving closer towards reconciliation or getting past a break up. The uncertainty and lack of clarity is breaking me. I know he will be anxious and fretful right now about how to reply so will be burying his head in the sand. I might have accidentally pushed him further away with that message, I don't know.

AIBU to expect one tiny shred of decency and care from a human being who I've shared my life with for the last year and a half and to get a reply?
Moreover, AIBU to say you don't need a month of silence to figure out if you want to attempt to reconcile with someone? I feel really desperate and don't know what the hell else to do here. I've had mixed advice from family and friends about waiting out the month, not waiting, waiting a bit, going round to his house, cutting him out altogether and every other option in between.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate that was long.

But again, detail matters did she tell him to fuck off and would find her own way to the airport?

Cant imagine I would hang around for dp if he did that.

Re-reading it I don't actually know what was going on. She says "airport city" so maybe that means he'd booked himself into a different hotel? Not that he went to go home without her.

Get a big box. Put all his stuff in it. ALL his stuff. Immediately arrange to drop the box at his parents' or at a friend's house. Do NOT use the collection of the stuff as a reason to meet up with him, so you can rehash it all over again.

Then rearrange your sitting room and paint a wall or something and accept that that chapter of your life is over, and you're now on the first page of the next one.

How did you fall out on holiday?! If two people away on their own with no responsibilities other than to be on holiday are falling out so dramatically …that alone tells you you are not compatible. Move on and good luck

No, he went to the airport city while she was in another one. No word yet on which city they were staying in, visiting, what led to this, whether she was “abandoned” or just making it seem that way…

He's already taken all his stuff back, as instructed when op told him to fuck off.

op also says some of his items are still there.

So who knows

Find a new therapist. It's absolutely not an adequate response for yours to say 'well of course you don't think I'm meeting your needs, nobody would be able to'. That's not cool. Just because you might have certain patterns in your personal relationships, that doesn't mean you're incapable of recognising whether what you're getting from therapy is right for you! Move on!

When you screamed at him to get out it was a ploy to try get him to rush to your side to tell you he wasn't going anywhere and reassure you, very common behaviour and sadly very damaging. I think he must have already been having his own serious regrets to have done what he did on the holiday and to have come back determined to split up.

For what it's worth, if you were compatible and right for one another then it just wouldn't be this hard. You're just not the right fit. Try not to fully blame yourself, even though it'll be beneficial for the future to work out what's going on with your attachment, emotions, what you want and how to handle and resolve conflict (new therapist!).

This limbo is fucking awful, everyone has been there and it's beyond sickening to experience, you poor thing, I feel for you. It wasn't good of you to immediately within a few days break your agreement for space by messaging but tbf a healthy relationship really doesn't need a month of silence from both sides to have a chance of saving it, that's like being in secondary school! So immature. It's a break because it's broken. You can easily bring this uncertainty and agony to an end by sending him a short, civil message saying something like:

Hey, I'm sad that things have worked out this way but I wanted to let you know that we won't be speaking at the end of the month, I think it's clear to us both that we're just not working out the way we'd hoped to and it's for the best that we part ways. Good luck with the future and take care'

I laughed at that idea that 18m isn't long enough to warrant being emotionally devastated by a relationship going wrong. Three or four months, maybe. Even in that short span of time you can develop deep feelings and have hope for the future that hurts to have dashed. But 18m? Of course this is agony! Not everyone can just easily switch off love or feelings on command.

He quite clearly has broken up with you - the "month apart" thing was just to pacify you to try and get away. He's given you all your things back, he's not responding. There's nothing more to torment yourself with being in anguish - it's over. And tbh, it sounds like that is for the best.

One of those awkward situations where someone doesn't realise they've been broken up with. I fucking hate when people do it like this, leave someone hanging for a period of time to 'think' when they know that it's over, though by the same token I recognise for some people it's the only safe way to do it rather than the quick ripping off of the plaster which might lead to histrionics. Probably safer to leave someone saying 'oh, yeah let's see, give me a month' and get out of the door with the hopes that over the coming month they will realise for themselves what's going on as it slowly dawns on them.

@LimeGreenTumbler

I laughed at that idea that 18m isn't long enough to warrant being emotionally devastated by a relationship going wrong.

Yes, I can only think that those who believe you can't reasonably feel emotionally devastated after an 18 month relationship have never been in love.... because if you're not in love after 18 months, then it's hard to imagine that it will then develop....

This in my opinion.

Also try a new therapist. Make sure they are a part of the BACP.

I don’t mean to be cruel when I say this. But I would guess a therapist didn’t say that. It might be what Op heard.

Theres a lot in the app that is tweaked in Ops favour. Like loads of detail about everything, but not the one thing he (appears) to have some really wrong. Leaving her in a city abroad, alone.

the glossing over that since the holiday he found out a relative was dying and then they did die. So a short space of time. And the argument where she told him to fuck off around the time this relative does. But she only told him to fuck to communicate she needed a hug? Then the hurt expressed that he did leave and didn’t contact her and SHE had to contact him.

Now, having agreed to a break, op contacts him to plan doing something together and plays the ‘if he cared he would text back and make plans with me’. Again, while he is grieving and waiting for a funeral of a close relative.

Posta are always going to be posted from only Ops point of view obviously. But I think op has done this more than most. I think Op may have a tendency to take things very personal AND internalises things where she becomes an injured party. There’s seems to be a disconnect between what’s communicated to her and what she hears. Then a disconnect between what she says and what she means.

I think it’s clear, that both have behaved quite badly, with no one’s needs being met. No one being listened too.

But I do agree. I think it’s over for him.

You sound exhausting and so needy. Just leave the poor bloke alone to finally get some peace.

For your sake you need to consider this relationship to be over and make steps for that to be real. Please don't try and get back together.

Think of yourselves as being like oil and water. You can mix things up so it all looks wonderful for a bit but ultimately your individual nature's take over and you separate to become your own thing again.

No matter what either of you does, this will always be your dynamic. You might be able to make the mixed together bits be wonderful, but the separated bits clearly aren't remotely healthy for you. They're probably not healthy for him either.

I know this hurts like hell, but please just cut contact and start taking steps to heal from a relationship that was far too much drama and upset for the short time you were together.

As an aside, I'm someone that recharges alone. My husband is someone that recharges from me. However he accepts that sometimes I need to be left alone and does that, by the same token I accept that my alone time needs to be focused and short because it hurts him if I isolate for too long. I'd never leave my husband in a strange place alone (like driving to another city in a foreign country...or even our country!) because I needed space - from this perspective I really don't think your partner is someone who deserves your affection to be honest.

I think it’s pretty obvious he wants out. It seems you talked him round from breaking up to a months break. Now you’ve contacted him before the month is through and he’s ignored you. Take the hint OP and have some dignity. You’re desperately clinging on but he doesn’t want this relationship. If you’re honest, you must be able to see that he’s not the right person for you either. You’d have been settling. When it’s right, it’s not so much hard work.

The relationship sounded awful with the arguing and you’re obviously very different people. If you had not said your ages, I’d have thought you were really young.

Take some time for yourself, work out what you want from a partner and don’t settle.

You are not 'too needy and intense' this is simply an unhealthy relationship. You two are not compatible because you trigger bad feelings in each other. Relationships are not supposed to be like this so early on. This much negative drama can sometimes happen in very long term marriages where there has been a long build up of stress or where one of other feelings trapped. Other than that, relationships like this only happen in films and TV programmes ! Your instinct should be to be very clear that the relationship makes you unhappy and you shouldn't be in it anymore. Now you need to work out why you don't have this protective instinct and why this dynamic has arisen so early on, so that you can avoid it in the future.

I would guess that you haven't had healthy models for relationships growing up. Honestly, most relationships are much easier than this. They don't involve this much drama. Look for a relationship where you don't feel too intense and needy. Such relationships are entirely possible and you deserve one.

His profile pic is still a picture of both of us, his shoes are still in my living room, his keys are still in the key bowl, his jacket is still hung up on the back of my door, his bike is still in my shed.

Does he use Facebook a lot? If he does, then keeping his profile picture as you two, plus keeping all his stuff with you is just a form of manipulation and keeping you waiting and worrying what he is going to decide. Going by some atuff you have said, I actually wouldn't be surprised if he comes back expecting you to fall into his arms again. Don't!!

I know you are hurting, but I'd pack his jacket and keys into a bag, put them with his bike and move on with your life. If he come back, casually tell him to collect his bike and stuff at his earliest convenience. Lets see how he likes his power trip now, you are worth more than that and this isn't a healthy dynamic!

If it is the case that he has ended it, pack his stuff away and move on

@FlannelopePitstop Sounds like very good advice to me. As other pp have said I think for your mental well-being for now accept it is over.

exactly this ^ . The relationship should have ended after that. I'd never forgive a partner for leaving me vulnerable and stranded in any country, let alone a foreign country.