AIBU to expect a reply even though he wants space? (A long one)

[FlannelopePitstop]

I've been with my DP about a year and a half, we are in our early/mid thirties. For the most part we have had a loving, fun, close and happy relationship and he feels like my best friend. I've got to know his family and friends well and our lives have become well integrated with one another's.

In the last couple of months, one of the slow-burning issues we have had for a while has come to a head. This mainly centres around the usual textbook case of that I prefer to cope by connecting, and he copes by disconnecting. So when we have had a tiff, he disappears, I feel abandoned and when he returns I'm anxious and critical. He then runs away some more. Ironically we only ever have a tiff if I feel invalidated or unheard, or he feels criticised. I also feel I carry much more of the mental load when it comes to making plans, holidays etc, and sometimes in those moments if I'm e.g. struggling to make a decision, I've yearned to feel like I have an equal adult partner rather than feeling alone with all the responsibility.

We came back from a difficult holiday in Sept - it got so bad at one point we decided to part ways one night and do our own thing for a bit of space. The next morning I realised he had left me in the city we were in and was some distance away heading back to our airport city in our hire car. I felt so abandoned and excruciatingly upset. Things got more stressful once we got back because he received news a family member only had a short while left to live. We made the decision to put our issues on the back burner for a bit to deal with that and I've tried to be a supportive presence to him and his family during a difficult time. Relative has since died and funeral is next week, which I know has upset him more than he is letting on.

Last week we had another big argument. I reached a breaking point because I wasn't feeling heard and he was getting defensive when I was trying to express that (although tbf I was shouting at this point) so I yelled at him to get the fuck out my house, leave his keys and to not come back. To be honest, I really just wanted him to acknowledge just how upset I was and what I desperately wanted was a hug and some reassurance and kindness but I wasn't getting that so I needed him out my space. It was the meanest thing I've ever said to him, I feel dreadful about it and I want to apologise for it. Unfortunately he took that to mean I was breaking up with him, so he packed his stuff out my house and left, even though before he left I said I hadn't meant that, I was just angry and upset. He went on radio silence following that, for 4 days, despite me contacting him later that night to say I would like for us to have a civil conversation, de-ecalate and find a way to reconnect.

Those 4 days were absolute hell, pure emotional torment. I called him on day 5 like wtf, we need to talk. So he came round that night, and had brought with him a bag of all my stuff, and when I say all, he had gutted his house out of every tiny thing of mine. I mean like random hair bobbles. I was totally blindsided but he was resolute we were breaking up and it was what he wanted. We then talked for a couple of hours about what had happened in our relationship, we apologised to each other for things and when I pointed out that it was ironic we were finally able to have a calm, considered, loving and attentive conversation, it was about breaking up, he acknowledged that but insisted we needed the time apart at least for a month to reassess how we feel. Which was different to what he originally said when he came in. But I was desperate for him not to walk away altogether so I agreed. We still have keys to each other's houses, and we left things with a cuddle and a kiss.

Today has been exactly one week since that night and we have had no contact. It has been an excruciatingly painful week. I feel lost, hurt, anxious, confused, upset, abandoned, angry and like the whole thing is just senseless. I don't think our issues were irreconcilable, and I think turning up with a bag of my stuff is brutal. I would love nothing more in the world than to hear from him and find a way to reconnect. Earlier today I did a brave thing and messaged him about something we had agreed we would do together and time is running out to arrange it. I said I'm going to make arrangements to do it as I'd like to, and it would be lovely if he joined but I understand if not, and just to let me know. I haven't had a reply.

I'm in tormented agony right now. I'm trying to keep on top of all the basics of self-care but I'm in hell. Each day that goes by, I don't know if I'm moving closer towards reconciliation or getting past a break up. The uncertainty and lack of clarity is breaking me. I know he will be anxious and fretful right now about how to reply so will be burying his head in the sand. I might have accidentally pushed him further away with that message, I don't know.

AIBU to expect one tiny shred of decency and care from a human being who I've shared my life with for the last year and a half and to get a reply?
Moreover, AIBU to say you don't need a month of silence to figure out if you want to attempt to reconcile with someone? I feel really desperate and don't know what the hell else to do here. I've had mixed advice from family and friends about waiting out the month, not waiting, waiting a bit, going round to his house, cutting him out altogether and every other option in between.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate that was long.

He's asked for a month without contact at a time he's also dealing with the death of someone and you're still contacting him. You're not respecting his boundaries. But yes far from innocent - I can't imagine any decent bloke driving off back to the airport without you.
I think the fact he brought all your stuff back to your house as soon as possible shows he isn't wanting to 'reconnect'.

Agree- this sounds too hard.
He left you stranded
You said horrible things
You’re arguing when he is grieving

Honestly though- you were not ‘brave’ to contact him.

Just, let it go

I'm sorry OP. You aren't waiting to find out what's happening, it's already happened. You have split up.

You're not respecting the boundary he's put in place.

And I get it - I'm a 'talk it through at all costs even if it means going through an argument' person. The temptation to break that boundary is SO strong - you're DESPERATELY trying to be heard and get your point across and hope you can get them to see your point of view and 'fix things', right? Any time not talking about it is pure fear, because you only know it's okay once you've both talked it through and while there's space, there's uncertainty.

But people are allowed to want space. That uncertainty is your problem. And by pushing him on the clear and fair boundary he's put in place, you're showing that you can't be flexible and listen to what he's saying - you've thrown a big emotional statement out there to do damage because you're desperate for him to say, "No no, please don't say that, let's talk" (like you would have if he'd done the whole 'fuck off out my house' thing), and now you're trying to claw it back and undo it. There's a hard lesson to learn in that, and it's one I'm still trying to learn - don't let the heat of the moment make you do or say emotionally manipulative things in order to create false connection because you don't know how else to create the response you want. Either communicate it properly - "I really need some reassurance and kindness right now and I'm not getting it, what do you need right now and let's work on it?" - or suffer the consequences. And unfortunately, behaving like that is only going to push away someone who is more likely to take a little space and think with a cooler head about things, perhaps someone who's a bit more avoidant.

Leave him alone for now. If he comes back to talk, acknowledge that you've been communicating in a 'play shit games, win shit prizes' way and you want to work on communicating what you ACTUALLY want, rather than dropping emotional bombs in the hope he'll behave a certain way and then panicking when he doesn't. Ask him if he can meet you in the middle and agree to talk arguments through instead of taking space if you'll do so calmly and without pressuring him.

But trust me, you have to work on this. I don't think they're an exact science (or a science at all necessarily), but in attachement styles terms you're an anxiously attached person. He's an avoidantly attached person (by the sounds of things). That combination needs WORK and effort. He may have decided it's not worth it, and that's a lesson for you and him to learn. But if he hasn't, you have to understand what drives the other in disagreements and how to communicate effectively.

What he did on holiday was unacceptable. You sound very intense and I think that must be quite difficult in a relationship. All this drama and "reconnecting" is just...a lot! One minute you want him gone, the next you're in bits and want him to talk to you. I'd remove myself from that situation too. It sounds like an extremely toxic relationship and I'm not sure why you want to continue.

You’re not getting back together. He’s grieving a dead relative and they haven’t even had the funeral. You’re so completely out of order contacting him about an event during this time and when you’ve mutually agreed no contact and considering yourself brave I doubt you’ll hear from him again.

Have you had relationships before this one? This level of conflict, high drama, flouncing, shouting, screaming abuse, running away and arguing isn’t normal or healthy. It’s toxic and seriously dysfunctional. It’s not an indicator of passion or meant to be, it’s a sign you’re incompatible and one or both of you isn’t ready to be dating.

You told him to fuck off and kicked him out. He came over with a bag of your stuff. He’s probably way too scared of your reaction to tell you it’s over.

The only time I’ve told someone I wanted a break I was worried about what he’d do if I said it was over.

I think I'm with him - that's about the kindest thing I can say. I suspect that many people would find you overwhelming and too quick to analyse every little thing. Relationships are supposed to be fun - at least in the early days!

This is really not a healthy relationship.

He's not capable of giving you what you need.

In 18 months, you’re still meant to be in the honeymoon stage, this relationship has run its course and he’s moved on, it’s best if you do the same too, give yourself time to heal, work on your issues too

I'm really sorry but you just don't sound quite right for each other. I had to check back to see how long you'd been together as it sounds like a long, long marriage where you've got into a rut, not two young people who've only been together 18 months. The bit about you feeling you're having to shoulder all the practical stuff especially. I don't know whether this is because he doesn't pull his weight, you're a bit pushy or somewhere in the middle.

Either way, I don't think it should be this way on an ongoing basis so early on. And pretty extreme too. Driving off and leaving you on holiday, needing a month apart, the way you've felt unsupported.

This is all a very disproportionate level of misery for such a comparatively short relationship where (unless I've missed something) you're both young and relatively unencumbered.

You don't have to make any hasty decisions but I would be weighing things up without the emotion of feeling left hanging (as far as possible).

You are two extremely emotionally immature people who should never, ever be together. This relationship is a toxic disaster and you really need to figure out why on earth you have stayed with this man as long as you did. You need to raise the bar and learn selfcontrol.

How many times have you broken up or argued?

It’s absolutely ridiculous.

I’m sorry but you sound like hard work and an attention seeker.
It sounds as though when you’re not getting enough attention you try and start an argument or tell him you want to break up.

You both are obviously very unhappy so stop playing these pointless games and just break up once and for all so you can both move on.

Let him go and please do some work on yourself

From OPs post there's quite enough navel-gazing and pop psychology already going on.

Maybe taking up sport and keeping busy would be more healthy.

OP seriously you're better off out of it, that relationship was a binfire. You're quite an intense sounding person, you need a laid back easygoing guy who isn't prone to introspection.

It sounds like you’re having massive toxic arguments over nothing. Sorry if I’m minimising your issues here but I can’t see anything from what you’ve written that’s worthy of these fights? I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we’ve been through a lot of stressful life events during that time and I could count on one hand the amount of times we’ve had a huge argument like that, and they were only intense due to sleep deprivation after having our babies.

my partner also handles things differently to me. I’m more like your partner, I need space if we’ve had a tiff, my partner prefers to act normal like nothings happened. But he lets me have my sulk as he understands we are different people and react to things in different ways. It seems you want your partner to act a certain way and if he doesn’t then all hell breaks loose again. That’s not how it should be. You should be able to allow each other to handle things the way that works for each of you. If he needs space to work things out then you should respect that, then once he’s had his space you can do it your way and reconnect. or if you can’t deal with that type of person then they aren’t for you.

as for the airport situation that’s really shitty, things had gone too far by then. I think your relationship is finished unfortunately. Only 18 months in and all this, it’s not healthy.

He has also recently lost a loved one and you were screaming at him because he hasn’t acknowledged you being upset due to him dealing with a previous tiff by disconnecting instead of connecting? This sounds insane and I would probably do what he has done if I were him.

I think you need to work on yourself, don’t text him again. Try to heal and live your life. If he comes back and you can sort it out then great. If not then atleast you’ve taken the first step already to getting over it and working on your emotional stability.

This relationship is going to end sooner or later and you're artificially prolonging it. You're wildly incompatible with one another. His behaviour abandoning you to drive to the airport is appalling and I couldn't have come back from that but you give as good as you get and you keep pushing and goading him and not respecting his emotional space.

It's the aftermath of a car crash and you're trying to keep it on life support. He sounds like a complete arsehole but he's correct that its over.

You need to walk away, stop contacting him, go Cold Turkey and start making peace with the fact that its over. And ideally get some counselling.

It really shouldn’t be this much hard work and drama at such an early stage in a relationship. If you had been married or together for years with kids Id maybe suggest working on it. But so early on... nah.... time for you both to move on

He is not the man for you.

I was in a relationship like this. I was miserable.

I'm now blissfully happy with my gorgeous DH.

Move on. There are men out there who you will be happier with.

YABU. He asked for space, you should be giving it him. You weren’t brave by waiting a week, you were selfish and couldn’t wait longer.

This isn’t a healthy relationship. It’s best you just let it go.

Gosh. Sounds like us... together almost 20 years... first big argument was 7 years ago when our son was about a week old and we were severely sleep deprived

I thought the same. Gave me the horrors to have to put up with that sort of stuff.

Him fucking off on holiday should have been game over then.

You both sound like hard work, definitely not compatible. Accept its over and leave him alone OP.

It should be easy op, when it’s right then it’s easy- none of this drama

Block his number and delete it

You should still be in your honeymoon period!! The relationship sounds really hard work. Is it worth it?

I'd leave him alone for the month, as you agreed. See friends, do fun things, reconnect with yourself.

What happened around the holiday to make the fall put so Spectacular? Did either of you tell the other to fuck off and leave?

Fall out not put!

You both need to walk away, it’s been a year and a half and not exactly a happy one.