To be disgusted by friends salary?

[Emeraldi]

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

You have made assumptions about her.

After snooping you have found out your assumptions were wrong.

YABVU to judge your friend, snoop around her private things, to think you've been wronged and to especially think you have some kind of right to ask for money back.

YANBU to decline to offer free dog sitting in the future.

Why would one lower themselves to dog sit? You are the help. How common.

Would love to know what you were actually looking for when you stumbled across this letter.

Not a good attempt, is it?

Could breach the law to have looked at that confidential personal data never mind post it on MN. Perhaps think about that and the snooping rather than being jealous of someone who is careful with money.

I think this is hilarious.
You have obviously always looked down on your poor poor friend, for not having her uni education and now you find out she massively out earns you, its hilarious.

Whats not hilarious is your attitude towards other people and how you judge them.

It sounds like paying out for her was your little bit of feel good superiority over her but she never even needed it.

Salaries and job titles are and always have been irrelevant in our friendship group and we do lots for eachother....as we are friends and thats what friends do

Yes she has used you.

This did not really happen. The OP is (weird) fantasy.

It’s either a wind up OR op is going to come back and make outrageous claims that ‘I didn’t think to include in the Op. promise not trying drip feed’

I don’t get it. You bought her a few drinks and did her a favour. Which you are getting paid for?

I don't get why her salary matters? If a friend asked me to dog sit I wouldn't expect them to pay me at the same rate as a commercial kennel regardless of what anybody earns. It's called a favour. Never mind though, she probably won't ask you again when she finds out you've been snooping through her drawers.

As for being pissed off that she earns more than you even though she likes to conserve electricity and didn't go to uni... big fat YABU I'm afraid.

You thought you were earning more so you have paid for more drinks on nights out and that sort of thing, maybe that's why she pays you to dog sit, to even thigs out. Friends usually do each other favours for free.

You're miffed that you've treated her as a poor relation, when she actually isn't. And it's on you that you've assumed she must be on less because of her education and behaviour.

Tjis, I’m afraid. It’s a natural enough set of assumptions to make.

But now you have the information which you SHOULD NOT have, you can choose your response. Remain a generous friend, or reign in the patronisation a bit.

There are various reasons for people being careful with their money. There’s a difference between being frugal and being mean. It sounds as though your friend is starting to veer towards meanness. That is hard to stomach in a friend so I’d be being a little more wary and reserved.

But she could be a money-worrier. I am. I’m single and what I earn is it. Nothing and no one to fall back on. So I try to be generous - I dislike meanness- but I’m also quite frugal in my day to day living.

'Not sure how to approach this'

Approach what? Your friend has a job that pays well? If that were my friend I'd be proud of her for doing so well, you seem to be full of resentment. Have you ever discussed salaries? I never have with any of my friends as it is private.

If you bring this up with your friend I don't think your friendship will last much longer. Just don't offer cheap dog sitting or pay for food or drinks if you're that bothered about money.

Bit unfair to pile on op. She has said it's due to her friends behaviour, which I'm taking to mean she gratefully accepts hand outs, doesn't pay for rounds and makes out like she is hard up.

If op means she speaks and acts 'common' then perhaps fair to be mean, but that is not clear that's what she means by behaviour and given the context I think more likely to be the above.

I don't think the OP is necessarily a snob. Lots of us were told that graduates earn more without any kind of nuance.

She's careful with money - nowt wrong with that.

I’ve known a few people like your friend. They like to pretend they are earning much less and will use people to do them ‘favours’ under the guise that they can’t afford to do it. When in reality they are building their investment portfolio and plan on retiring in their 50s. Not that it’s any ones business but it’s a lesson in being careful when you help people out.

Well, that was your mistake. You shouldn't assume. You can't blame her because you made silly assumptions.

@Emeraldi what does she do?

My DP was earning multiples of 6 figures in an IT role for a premiership football club until he stepped back a couple of years back. He has no degree, in fact only the most basic high school education. He is dyslexic so his grades were pretty bad. He is however very good at what he does. He now runs his own business and is looking to sell it to fund his retirement and he will potentially make something near to a million. A University education doesn't buy you success (although I have a degree and a well paid role myself).

I think you were cheeky to look and your assumption was rather prejudiced against non-graduates. You have nothing to address. I don't flash my cash and neither does DP, it would be rather gauche. I don't think you can always judge someones earnings by their overt spending at all.

No one accidentally finds personal info like wage slips/salary in a drawer unless they're snooping so for that... that's really off.

Stop offering free dog sitting, free rounds at the pub and bringing free food/dinner around.

I also haven't gone to uni and have had people like my SIL in the past complain that I'm earning more than her but she's gone to uni (I'm also 11 years older than her) so she should be earning more. She is earning more now so...

It really shouldn't make a difference to your friendship if she earns more than you or how she spends her money but if she's being stingy/using you/expecting you to pay for her a lot then yes, you can dial that down so it's more equal. Her penny-pinching at home is up to her, loads of people do that.

Yikes! 'Lack of university education' - I think you are showing your colours here OP

You shouldn't have snooped, you shouldn't be sitting fizzing over it either

Also, I'm sure you are offering it because you are FRIENDS, and not because you wrongly ASSUMED she was poorer than you. Add to the fact you have no idea what she needs to spend that money on (clearly since you don't know a lot about friend) and I think you are being completely unreasonable.

Friends help each other out, regardless of finances.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

^ she's sensible that's all.

As she never pleaded poverty I don't see the issue apart from your jealousy.

You found an offer letter, lying open in a drawer and perused it accidentally? 🤣

A lot of people house-sit/dogsit for free, even for strangers - there are sites like trustedhousesitters.com that match people up. (The sitters typically pay a small fee to the site for a background check, and can also upload references for verification). People do it because they want free lodging while visiting another city/area, and some digital nomad types do it routinely to avoid paying for short-term rentals or hotels. I doubt your friend had any idea that you thought charging a low rate for live-in dog sitting was supposed to be charity. She might have thought she was doing you a favour.