To be disgusted by friends salary?

[Emeraldi]

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

I feel for you. It can’t be a happy life if this kind of thing bothers you. I don’t care what my friends earn. Not one bit! I help my friends out because they’re my friends, I don’t decline help and reciprocated favours because they earn more than me. I don’t make assumptions about anyone based on their formal education, that’s classist and silly. I feel like you carry burdens you don’t need to and you would feel happier if you spent less time worrying what others earn and more on what would make you happy.

If my ‘friend’ went through my drawers while dog sitting, looked at my salary and then thought they needed for any reason to ‘approach it with me’ I would tell them to fuck off.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels

You may have misread the situation. As a dog owner, for the dogs' sake, kennels were the last resort. I much preferred them to have a live-in dog sitter, stay at home in their familiar comfortable surroundings, usual diet and meal times, walks, as many pee breaks as they want. (Well-trained housepets hate being forced to pee and pooh in a concrete kennel near their bed and dishes; holding on for hours then bursting is very stressful for them. ).

How much she earns and how she manages her domestic power bills are none of your business, get over yourself. You willingly agreed to dogsit so presumably you're enjoying the side benefits of a mini-break stay away from home, no bills , dog company etc.

Just don't do financial favours going forwards.

And learn from this- don't make assumptions about people based on your own prejudice!

I thought this was going to be a thread about her being underpaid!

I'd say a massive well done to her. It sounds like she has done really well for herself.

I wouldn't hold it against her, maybe she assumed you were on double what she is as you were being generous. But YANBU to redraw the boundaries a little so that monetary (or equivalent) favours are more even between you.

Just share everything you’ve said here - she needs to know that you are a nosey, patronising, begrudging snob whose only interest in the friendship was to feel superior to someone you thought beneath you.

A woman under 30 with no degree, earning almost 6 figures, who doesn’t show boat about salary and is clearly sensible with their money sounds like a fantastic friend to have. You, much less so.

Well, if you offer her things - drinks, dog sitting etc, if course she will accept! You can't ask for money back, that's just weird and petty, but you can be less generous in the future.
It sounds you felt a bit superior than her, thinking you were the higher earner and 'helping her out.' Maybe it's brought you down a peg or two, which isn't a bad thing.

Also for years on end (when younger) I had a lot of disposable income - due to an inheritance, and as I invested it wisely I had a bit of extra 'spending money' but earned a not very good salary too. I was also careful with money too. Certain close friends of mine knew about my situation but some didn't. And there's no way I'd have been stingy/not paid my way and we were all the same with each other.

Why on earth would you approach her?! You wrongly assumed she earned less than you and have been behaving accordingly. She's done nothing wrong whatsoever. You sound jealous and aggrieved but what has she actually done. And why are you disgusted?! When I read the title of your post I assumed you were disgusted that your friend was earning such a low wage. My DH earns almost 6 figures but people live to their means. Therefore we have a much higher mortgage than is normal, higher bills etc. We definitely have to be careful about not using too much gas and electricity etc. Just because someone earns a really good wage doesn't mean they're comfortable just splashing the cash all the time. I know a few people on that salary and they're all quite frugal.

It's 100 per cent none of your business.

The only unreasonable person here is you assuming you were better than her. Who takes note of all the financial things they choose to do for their friends. I feel sorry for her that you’ve done all that out of pitty that she wasn’t as good as you and not out of genuine care for your friend.

Jealous and butter, much?! You don't need a uni education to earn a fantastic salary, and many of the degrees pressed by UK universities at the moment are shite.

Don't snoop in your mate's house.

I think friends buying each other drinks at the pub is part of a normal friendship regardless of who earns more.
I'd also always offer cheap/free dog sitting to a friend regardless of what they earned. To me that's just friendship and finances wouldn't even be a consideration

Not wasting electricity is just common sense. Not letting you have the hearing on when you're dog sitting is the only bit of consider to be a bit off

The thing is, friends do favours for friends. How much money each has and whether you could pay for someone to do the favour is irrelevant. Friends are exactly that…friends. They help each other out.

It is irrelevant that your friend is better off than you thought she was. It is private information. Of course you were snooping by finding a letter like this. That’s more of a ‘bad friend’ thing than someone earning more than you think!

This person is either your friend or they aren’t. Their Finn mai o situation really shouldn’t come into it. You shouldn’t feel any differently about her today than you did before you knew this stuff. The fact you do is a reflection on you and not her.

So in terms of how to approach this……give your head a good shake and have a word with yourself. There is nothing to ‘approach’ with the friend.

Carry on doing each other favours and being..friends. And stop snooping.

This sounds like a fictitious scenario.

Hopefully what the op means is that it's a shock to realise that everything she's believed about working hard and getting a degree helping to pave the way for a more comfortable life in the future isn't actually true. Tertiary education is primarily a money making industry.

I have to say that is a big salary for someone that age and without any post secondary qualifications. I've been a doctor for 10 years and don't earn close to that. It sounds like op has been a good friend and one of her ways of showing it has been to be generous with her time and her money, and that perhaps hasn't been reciprocated. Sorry op (also I think you're getting a really hard time here!)

MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

Jealous

You sound like a snob. "due to her lack of university education" is very presumptuous. Do you work in similar fields where you would expect to earn more due to a degree? Having money does not mean you have to spend it, you can still live frugally and save up. Your friend has done nothing wrong, but you have. Finding a letter by accident is totally different to actually reading it.

You shouldn’t have been snooping. Good on her for making a success of herself I say, but she does sound a bit of a CF. Stop with the freebies.

If I found out a friend was earning that much, I'd pleased for them!

@Emeraldi
What happened to being a good friend, rather than suddenly envy due to the wage difference ?

What happened to the greater good, and being kind

“Disgusted by friends salary”

“She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me”.

I think you‘ve got a case of the green eyed monster here OP. Can’t imagine any of my friends being “disgusted” to find out I earn nearly 3 figures despite my “lack of university education”.. or because they’ve bought me a drink in the past…

Seriously? That just refelects on you.

Yes, but most people, most of us with friends, we just either don't go out with this person, or sub them and say it doesn't matter, or we make them pay their way.

Me, generally - I don't know the ins and outs of friends/close friends finances generally but if someone is going through a tough time then yes, sometimes they do share (more on on one) and in that case, if we go out, it's on Groupon deals etc. If someone was really hard up, then of course we might pay for people but it's generally a case of people being grown up enough to sort out their own finances/get a better job.