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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted by friends salary?

514 replies

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:20

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 04/10/2022 15:33

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

They don’t teach you this at university but the way people dress, the car they drive the house they live in doesn’t necessarily reflect how much money they have.
I have a relative and if you saw how he lives you would be cursing the Tories about not caring about poor people.
He has a net worth of about £1 million!

newsaint · 04/10/2022 15:33

YABU.

How you feel about helping your friend, or making nice gestures, should be completely independent of salary levels.

You mention "letting her off" for things in the past - as you say, you did these things because you thought you were helping someone who earned less than you.

Is she even aware of these incidents? I expect your friend just interpreted these things as being acts of kindness from a friend.

Does she never reciprocate nice gestures, such as buying a drink, or bringing in dinner? If not, then cool it with your own gestures.

It does seem to me that you are surprised and resentful about her earnings because you feel you should earn more (having a degree etc) and that this new resentment about buying drinks etc is motivated by this.

Further, it seems like salary level is central to your self-esteem and how you view others. For example, you were happy to make kind gestures etc when you thought you earned more, but you are now resentful of her because she earns more.

My advice:

  • don't attach so much importance to salary in this way
  • don't resent your friend for doing well for herself, be happy for her
  • don't make endless kind gestures (to anyone) if they are never reciprocated
  • don't feel the need to make gestures, simply because you perceive someone earns less. (How would you feel to learn she offered you the dog sitting gig, because she thought it was helping you because you earned less?)
TheMoops · 04/10/2022 15:34

If you were her friend you would proud of her and her achievements.

If you were her friend you would also be happy to offer cheap dog sitting....isn't that what friends do?

Ellie1015 · 04/10/2022 15:34

Dogs are precious tamily members usually. I expect she prefers you to dog sit becasue she trusts you rather than to get a good price. She pays what you ask, she may feel awkward offering more.

Stop being overly generous with drinks. But accept you did that because you made assumptions about friend rather than because it turns out she is some sort of user.

maddy68 · 04/10/2022 15:34

You judge a friend by how much they earn? Why does it matter?

If she was a millionaire would you still offer to look after her dog? That's what friends do !

You aren't really a friend are you ?

Yack02 · 04/10/2022 15:34

Yeah I'm finding it hard to believe your story about accidentally finding the letter! I don't really care about the rest of the story but I want to know more about that Grin

Whattheactualfcku · 04/10/2022 15:34

You clearly went snooping and just because she earns more, doesn’t meant she’s has to be frivolous. No one forced you to dog sit! You sound very materialistic!

Florenz · 04/10/2022 15:36

People who go to university need to realise that it doesn't entitle you to a higher salary. Most of the people I know who earn the most money didn't go to university but started work at 16 and worked their way up - or started their own business.

DenbyChina · 04/10/2022 15:36

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

That’s quite a bitter comment. You made assumptions about her life and they’ve backfired on you. Your only options are: attack your friend and lose the friendship (which is how it appears in your post) or learn the important lesson of not assuming information.

butterfliedtwo · 04/10/2022 15:36

Hbh17 · 04/10/2022 15:29

Her salary is none of your business and you shouldn't be reading her mail. I would be very unhappy if one of my friends behaved like you.

This. You're snooping in her house. Serves you right discovering this, actually. Bet you hate that she's done well when she "didn't go to university".

Stop being a snob.

ParentallyUnprepared · 04/10/2022 15:37

You're jealous. I get it.

Don't be a dick about it, though.

Chikapu · 04/10/2022 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

slashlover · 04/10/2022 15:38

Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

Does she do things for you too? I dog sit for one of my friends when she's away and don't charge her anything (although she always buys me a special present at Christmas 'from the dog' 😂) because she's my friend an we do things for each other. When I moved house she helped me redecorate and didn't charge me a penny because...we're friends.

sourcreampringle · 04/10/2022 15:38

newsaint · 04/10/2022 15:33

YABU.

How you feel about helping your friend, or making nice gestures, should be completely independent of salary levels.

You mention "letting her off" for things in the past - as you say, you did these things because you thought you were helping someone who earned less than you.

Is she even aware of these incidents? I expect your friend just interpreted these things as being acts of kindness from a friend.

Does she never reciprocate nice gestures, such as buying a drink, or bringing in dinner? If not, then cool it with your own gestures.

It does seem to me that you are surprised and resentful about her earnings because you feel you should earn more (having a degree etc) and that this new resentment about buying drinks etc is motivated by this.

Further, it seems like salary level is central to your self-esteem and how you view others. For example, you were happy to make kind gestures etc when you thought you earned more, but you are now resentful of her because she earns more.

My advice:

  • don't attach so much importance to salary in this way
  • don't resent your friend for doing well for herself, be happy for her
  • don't make endless kind gestures (to anyone) if they are never reciprocated
  • don't feel the need to make gestures, simply because you perceive someone earns less. (How would you feel to learn she offered you the dog sitting gig, because she thought it was helping you because you earned less?)

This!

Beneficialchampion2 · 04/10/2022 15:38

Your reaction to this says more about you than it does her. You're a judgemental snob. Why should what she earns define how you behave as a friend?

DawkinsOldSpot · 04/10/2022 15:39

Disgusted??? Really? She never lied to you, you agreed to look after her dog for free. She’s done nothing wrong, as others have said she’s still the same person.

BMW6 · 04/10/2022 15:39

Thesearmsofmine · 04/10/2022 15:30

You’re clearly green with envy and liked thinking you were a bit better than her because you went to un I and summed you would ‘naturally’ be earning more. Now the dynamic has changed and you don’t like it.

This. You were happy thinking you were doing better than her, now you are seething with indignation 🙄

FlissyPaps · 04/10/2022 15:39

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

Ew. Awful attitude.

You’re jealous. Just accept it and move on.

Twiggywinkle13 · 04/10/2022 15:40

Her income is none of your business. Also maybe a lesson for you that you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover just because she didn’t go to uni…

bg21 · 04/10/2022 15:40

Are you actually serious??? Wtf

butterfliedtwo · 04/10/2022 15:41

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

Ah.You're not only a snob, you're a nasty one too. Maybe do tell your friend that you read her mail so she can get shot of you.

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 15:41

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

You have got to be taking the piss.

Are you usually this awful?

You snooped in her personal belongings. Read through her personal letters and are now put out by the fact that your misconception that you must be better than her is wrong. You are disgusted that she gets more pay than you? You are upset she doesn’t live the lifestyle YOU think she should?

This were happy dog sitting until you found out she earned more.

You are simply jealous that she did well for herself, without doing a degree. I am guessing you are one of this people who think a degree automatically entitles you things that shouldn’t be available to people who don’t.

LynneBenfield · 04/10/2022 15:41

Her salary is none of your business.

You shouldn’t have been snooping through her things.

If you are unhappy with the rate you agreed for the service you provided, that’s a different thing and you should either negotiate a higher rate next time or refuse to do it in future.

wackamole · 04/10/2022 15:41

People can be frugal at any level of income (and she's hardly Rishi Sunk on that salary). She may be focused on saving/investing rather than spending, being careful in case things change for her in the future, retaining habits of a past where she/her family really were skint, or just wanting to avoid waste/extravagance. You also don't know what debts or expenses she and her partner may have. She may also assume that YOU have a higher salary than HER, especially if she sees you being less frugal. Or she interprets your offers of dog sitting and an occasional drink the give and take of friendship and doesn't realise that you think you're subsidising her.

Now that you know that you've radically overestimated her salary, you can eliminate the things you were only doing for her because you thought she couldn't afford them.

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/10/2022 15:41

lack of university education

Got to be a wind up. If not, you arent 'disgusted' you are jealous.

You dont accidently read something unless you want to.