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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted by friends salary?

514 replies

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:20

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 04/10/2022 20:10

@superplumb 😂😂😂. I have been to university and earned less than many who did not . But of all those people none of them sent 2 postcards to earn close on 6 figures. Otherwise I'd be doing it. You did make me chuckle there though . 💐

Maggiethecat · 04/10/2022 20:15

I wouldn’t want you in my house snooping around, ‘coming across’ my private matters.

Your friend is better off without you.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/10/2022 20:21

I recall a conversation with friends when I was in my 30s - a good few years ago.
I soon realised I was earning twice as much as most of them, so was a bit cagey about what I said. I'd only known them for a few years - they were more pissed off when I said I hadn't bothered to do a degree.

Shouldn't have snooped.

luckylavender · 04/10/2022 20:40

What a horrible post. It's none of your business & you shouldn't be snooping.

phishy · 04/10/2022 20:43

WendyWagon · 04/10/2022 19:41

@CheezePleeze
No I did not. I was subjected to SPAG. I admit I can't spell. Not ASD.

How can you be subjected to SPAG?

phishy · 04/10/2022 20:45

mam0918 · 04/10/2022 18:28

Thats called hosting, OP choose to do it.

Why do you think it matters if she earns 18k a year or 90k a year, OP offered the senario and she accept being hosted with grace.

Rich people host each other all the times so not unusual, neither of these women talked about money so no reason for friend to think OP is 'poor' and OP is not scrambling for pennies, she was happy to do this when she thought she was the richer of the too.

Show quote history

Why do you think OP was hosting her stingy friend at the bar just because the stingy friend didn’t stand her round?

Butchyrestingface · 04/10/2022 20:49

@Emeraldi

Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

Ask her to get you a job at her gaff.

No, on second thoughts, fuck that. Ask her to get ME a a job at her place. Grin

neverbeenskiing · 04/10/2022 21:10

If your friend is tight with money and sponges off you and others then YANBU to be annoyed about that. If she pleads poverty or drops hints about not being able to afford things YANBU to be annoyed about that either. But YABVU to be annoyed because you can no longer feel superior to your friend, which you clearly did before if your judgemental comments about her level of education are anything to go by. YABVU to assume that it is not possible to build a successful career without a university education. If it weren't for your own elitist assumptions and your snooping, you wouldn't be upset right now so instead of worrying about "how to approach this" with your friend I suggest you focus on examining your own prejudices.

MRex · 04/10/2022 21:32

You look down on your friend, you snoop.through her stuff, you are "disgusted" that she earns more money than you and you see normal friendly favours like buying a drink or caring for a pet as charity rather than based on caring about someone. I'm not sure if you have no empathy or if you just need to reevaluate the transactional way in which you look at friendships, but your attitude is.unusual and suggests something has gone very wrong in how you think friendships work.

Herejustforthisone · 04/10/2022 21:57

There’s nothing to approach, what your experiencing is bitterness.

You thought you, as the uni grad, were the higher earner. You were wrong.

And lesson learned, you shouldn’t have snooped. I highly doubt the letter fell open.

Herejustforthisone · 04/10/2022 21:58

You’re*

Herejustforthisone · 04/10/2022 21:59

I agree with @MRex , you sound like you saw your self as superior to her and that your normal friendly efforts were actually transactional acts of charity.

Cw112 · 04/10/2022 22:00

You made an assumption and were wrong about it- not sure how that's your friends fault. So she's careful with her money, saves hard and is frugal- you assumed that meant she didn't have any again not sure how that's your friends fault. She probably uses you for dog sitting because she trusts you rather than some stranger to watch her dog so they can stay at home where they're most comfortable which is nothing to do with money at all. You're being unreasonable to judge your friend on her success instead of being happy for her.

PuzzledObserver · 04/10/2022 22:22

Dog sitting for a small fee…..

Are you a professional dog sitter and offering your friend mates’ rates? If not, why is there a fee at all?

Friends help each other out. It would be reasonable for her to stock the fridge/freezer and tell you to help yourself - that would be her thank you for your time and effort in looking after her dog and house. But not money - yuck! I also would roll my eyes at those house rules - you don’t tie the hands of people who are helping you out. But as the helper, you don’t take the piss by working through their wine cellar.

LikeTearsInRain · 04/10/2022 22:27

What do you both do for work?

You must have been really off with your estimates to think her role earns less than whatever it is you do for presumably significantly less than 6 figures

Bugbabe1970 · 04/10/2022 22:36

You were snooping!
You sound very jealous and it’s not becoming!

ThreeRingCircus · 04/10/2022 22:36

MRex · 04/10/2022 21:32

You look down on your friend, you snoop.through her stuff, you are "disgusted" that she earns more money than you and you see normal friendly favours like buying a drink or caring for a pet as charity rather than based on caring about someone. I'm not sure if you have no empathy or if you just need to reevaluate the transactional way in which you look at friendships, but your attitude is.unusual and suggests something has gone very wrong in how you think friendships work.

Quite.

I buy my friends a drink or do them favours looking after their pets because they're my friends! Friends are supposed to do nice things for one another to help each other out.

My best friend happens to earn about four times as much as me and I pet sit for her. I sometimes even buy her a drink when we go out (shock, horror!) I can't imagine being so calculating as to think I shouldn't do my friend a favour because she could pay someone to do it for her. It's a very odd way to view a friendship in such basic, monetary terms.

Herejustforthisone · 04/10/2022 22:41

Ha, just realised you’re actually charging her for dog sitting. 🤣 fucking hell.

beethecrackon24995 · 04/10/2022 22:41

You're clearly very jealous of her OP. You lose any sympathy I may have had when you vocalised how superior you thought you were over her because you had been to uni and she hadn't thus from your POV you would clearly be earning much more than her. You are an arse/sound like a real twat

Floomobal · 04/10/2022 23:07

I think it’s pretty awful to be charging your friend for looking after her dog. It goes without saying that snooping through her things and reading her private letters is absolutely deplorable

theonlygirl · 04/10/2022 23:17

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

You assumed she earned less because she hadn't been to university. How unpleasant and naive. Bit of a wake up call for you then.

Hawkins001 · 05/10/2022 00:49

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 16:41

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate perhaps the wording of my post could have been better. To clarify I’m not at all jealous. My wonky issue comes from the fact I’ve done an awful lot for her, due to the fact I believed she could use a helping hand e.g. dog sitting for a small fee, helping with decorating etc. If I’d have known she had the means to fund these things, I wouldn’t have offered my time.

I admit I was wrong to read the letter and I really wish I didn’t

We should strive to help each other when we can, yes at times some will take the biscuit, but if we can help when we can, it's an extra good deed.

AirFryerNinja · 05/10/2022 00:52

You can't ask her for your money back, don't be ridiculous!

DeeCeeCherry · 05/10/2022 01:03

Snooping through someone's stuff is a creep move. You're a false friend. & a jealous one too. You're also not trustworthy - I'd never snoop through drawers in a friend's home nor would I read their mail. You must be hiding it well but Im always amazed on MN by the type of friends some women keep anyway. So maybe your friend isn't 'seeing' you properly.

heyitsthistle · 05/10/2022 01:14

I bet you're really glad you started this thread 🤣