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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted by friends salary?

514 replies

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:20

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 04/10/2022 19:24

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:25

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

Why don’t you also rummage around the kitchen and see if you can find some vinegar for that huge chip on your shoulder

Facecream · 04/10/2022 19:24

I bet this isn’t a genuine post

Facecream · 04/10/2022 19:24

Trying to get into the Daily Fail

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/10/2022 19:26

Wow you're sooo nosey.

Why would you read her private mail.

Her achievements and yours are separate.

Her financial position is none of your business.

Spookysparkles · 04/10/2022 19:26

What does she do out of interest?

southlondonerhere · 04/10/2022 19:26

You took pity on her because you assumed you earned more than her because you went to uni and she didn't and now you find out she earns a lot more than you and you are bitter and jealous.. what she earns is none of you business and she can be frugal if she wants to be.. it's her money after all and it's nothing to do with you. you seem quite snobby about people who didn't go to uni for some unknown reason.

CheezePleeze · 04/10/2022 19:30

WendyWagon · 04/10/2022 19:20

I am amazed you posted on here about reading her private mail. It is an offence if you opened the letter.
I am a successful lady and the only place I have ever confirmed my degrees (Oxford) is when someone is nasty on mumsnet. My family know, my friends don't.
If she is a slow to the bar, pull her up on it. If she owes you money that is a different post. Wind your neck in.

I am a successful lady and the only place I have ever confirmed my degrees (Oxford) is when someone is nasty on mumsnet.

How did you confirm them exactly? Please don't tell me you uploaded personal ID etc?

WhoAre · 04/10/2022 19:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/10/2022 19:32

You really shouldn't assume that people who went to uni earn more. DS is a builder and didn't go to uni, and he earns way more than the people in our family who did.

5128gap · 04/10/2022 19:32

At the risk of stating the obvious OP, its not your education that sets your salary, its your job. Clearly your friend is either in a higher paying sector than you, or has gained additional on the job experience in the years you were in the classroom, or is simply more talented and valued in her role. Her income makes no difference to yours so why care?
If you feel she takes advantage of you financially you should have told her no a long time ago rather than see her as a charity case to be lady bountiful to, which has backfired on you a bit, hasn't it?

worriedniece · 04/10/2022 19:34

She hasn't lied! She isn't really taking advantage either as you accepted. What job does she do? Just curious as you assumed you earned more but I would have thought if you knew her job then you wouldn't have been so out on the salary

Stickmansmum · 04/10/2022 19:35

Sounds like you were being helpful out of pity and maybe it was nice feeling like that person? Now you’re raging that the upper hand has been taken from you?

OP did it ever occur to you that she thinks you earn more than her too?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/10/2022 19:35

Dump the friend OP, you are literally worth so much more!(and you have a degree!!)

😂😂😂😂

Lulubo1 · 04/10/2022 19:36

Someone's salary is not the whole story. My husband earns more than me on paper, but after tax, he brings home less than me. He has benefits from work, like private medical (for us both) and a work vehicle. After the government taxes him for those items, his take home pay is considerably less. Also, why is your friends salary any of your business to discuss. If you feel strongly, then just don't offer to dog sit and but her drinks.

Poppingmad123 · 04/10/2022 19:38

Can’t believe you say you’re “disgusted” at your friends salary. I think it’s quite normal to feel envious and a bit jealous but disgusted says more about you. A true friend wouldn’t judge or base a relationship on income. I would just stop offering the financial help if it bothers you, stop assuming you know it all & work on how you too could up your salary. Your friend may be able to advise you! 😃

gretr · 04/10/2022 19:39

I can’t imagine only helping out my friends according to their income. It doesn’t really sound like she’s your friend, just someone you take pity on.

WendyWagon · 04/10/2022 19:41

@CheezePleeze
No I did not. I was subjected to SPAG. I admit I can't spell. Not ASD.

Imelda03 · 04/10/2022 19:42

So in short you are going to treat someone differently because of what they earn? Her personality and years of friendship no longer exist because she has a lot more money than you and you want a share in fact! How desperately shallow and grabby and …….jealous

She treated you as an equal despite you clearly thinking less of her because errrm you have a degree and the poor (or rather rich) chicken didn’t….how amazing of you.

Annndddddd….then you learnt the truth…..you are no better than her and because it’s you who places emphasis on education hierarchy and money you now can not cope with the jealously because you now see (according to your shallow standards of course) that she is better than you…….well.

I hope that she got sick of you acting superior to her (you clearly felt superior so it must have been obvious to her also) and left her letter in a drawer knowing you would find it and is having a chuckle right now about how you’ll flip out……

Tiredmamaaa · 04/10/2022 19:42

Your absolutely wrong to view your friend any different and to change how you would have helped her. If you base your friendships and what effort/time you are willing to give a friend based on their salary, that’s not a nice way to approach a friendship and you need to take a step back. How would you feel if someone changed how they helped you on a personal level just because of your salary. Which by the way you have no right to know or feel jealous or resentful over.

if you are helping a friend with moving, decorating, dog sitting etc, that’s just being a friend. Just because she has a good salary doesn’t mean you don’t be a friend. And you don’t know her financial situation in full. She maybe has debt, she maybe wiz squirrelling money away for her future or retirement or whatever.

the bottom line is it’s none of your business what she earns and how she spends her money as long as she isn’t treating you badly which it doesn’t sound like she is.

user1498572889 · 04/10/2022 19:42

What an earth were you doing reading something that had nothing to do with you. You are not her friend you are a prying nosy busybody.

superplumb · 04/10/2022 19:48

Sorry to say you havnt come across well in this post. I did 2 postcards and earn less than someone who didnt go to uni..it happens. Loads if people who dont have degrees have done very well through hard work and starting early without the saddle of debt.
As for dog sitting, it's unlikely a cost thing but more a not liking kennel thing which is common. Turning off lights is a good thing for environment and also being sensible. Even people with 6 figure salaries turn lights off! Who wants to spend money on utilities when they dont need to. You do sound very bitter. Maybe use that energy to up skill or earn more yourself.🤷‍♀️

superplumb · 04/10/2022 19:49

superplumb · 04/10/2022 19:48

Sorry to say you havnt come across well in this post. I did 2 postcards and earn less than someone who didnt go to uni..it happens. Loads if people who dont have degrees have done very well through hard work and starting early without the saddle of debt.
As for dog sitting, it's unlikely a cost thing but more a not liking kennel thing which is common. Turning off lights is a good thing for environment and also being sensible. Even people with 6 figure salaries turn lights off! Who wants to spend money on utilities when they dont need to. You do sound very bitter. Maybe use that energy to up skill or earn more yourself.🤷‍♀️

Cleary meant postgrads and not postcards ( although postcards would've cost less)

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 04/10/2022 20:03

So she's frugal so you think she owes you something?!!

XenoBitch · 04/10/2022 20:06

YABVU
Did you have a rummage to find medical appointment letters too?
Next thread - AIBU..my friend babysits for me, and I found a letter saying she has schizophrenia

Sisisimone · 04/10/2022 20:07

What is her job? Surely you would know , even from just chatting about work, whether it was a role that paid well.

Also, I don't know what she is is paying you but kennels per night are pretty cheap so I doubt she is saving money if any. It's more likely that she prefers her dog to be in its own environment and its a nice thing to do for for a friend if you can, no?

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