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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for gift back

193 replies

hattiez · 04/10/2022 13:44

My MIL knitted / crocheted some cardigans / jumpers/ outfits and a couple of blankets for my son when he was born. They where given to us in a gift bag / wrapped in tissue paper and with a card with the usual congratulations on. One of the blankets had his name on and the other in colours/ design to match the nursery we planned.
A distant member of my husbands family related by marriage is due a baby shortly, my MIL has asked for the items she made for my son to be returned so she can give them to the family member.
My son is a young toddler and we hope to have another child shortly so we haven't passed on any of the baby things yet as hope to be able to use them again.
I'm not a hoarder and will happily pass things on once no longer needed and I appreciate that perhaps my MIL just wants to see the things she made in use again or that it may have been poorly worded and will of course return the items she made and gifted but AIBU unreasonable to be a bit upset / shocked that she's asked for them back to regift particularly as one has his name on and were quite personalised?
The cardigans and outfits obviously no longer fit so have been stored with his other clothes hopefully for a sibling and the blanket is on the chair in his room.
I appreciate families / friends hand things down / pass things on and we benefitted from friends giving us things however I would have kept the hand kitted things regardless in appreciation of the love and work gone into them.
I will return the items I think as it would seem she wants them back and I respect that she made them but it makes me feel a bit upset and weird that she has asked for what I thought was a gift back to pass on and wary of accepting future "gifts" in case they are also removed but perhaps its just me being unreasonable

OP posts:
cherish123 · 05/10/2022 18:57

As I see it, it was a gift. There is also a certain amount of sentimentality as his GM made it.

MIL is just being mean. She does not want to have to buy or make another present.

Maryminx · 05/10/2022 18:58

A gift is a gift!
Ask her to clarify as u may have it wrong
Tell her how beautiful the gifts are and that they are treasured.
u don’t have to give any other reasons or explain that u are thinking of having another child.

MamaBearof4 · 05/10/2022 19:37

I'd say to her straight - "I had thought they were gifts, not loans. After all you'd personalised them." If you want to keep them, either as a memory item or for the next bubba, tell her firmly that you will not be returning them.

Gifts are gifts, you don't go asking for them back when you want to give to another person. A loan of a piece of equipment or special heirloom garment is different, and the give tells you up front.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/10/2022 20:36

Boil wash them then return.

bluesapphire48 · 05/10/2022 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RobertaFirmino · 05/10/2022 20:43

@bluesapphire48 You know that word that begins with 'R' and ends with 'acist'?

Springtimeshowers · 05/10/2022 20:45

what did you give her for christmas? .... ask for it back 🤣

bluesapphire48 · 05/10/2022 20:51

I clearly said it was a slur. Can't you read?

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/10/2022 20:52

bluesapphire48 · 05/10/2022 20:51

I clearly said it was a slur. Can't you read?

And yet you used it anyway…

AiryFairyLights · 05/10/2022 21:36

@hattiez Could you compromise - decide on a few items to keep (the personalised and blanket etc) and give her a couple of items back and tell her you are keeping the rest as you are hoping to use them or pass them onto your son when he is older as a keepsake.
You could explain that you really want him to have these items as they will be something he has that was made by his grandmother especially for him - hopefully she’ll back down but good luck x

sashadjas · 05/10/2022 21:38

Ohh god love you sweetheart, your MIL is odd! Being me I'd be tempted to refuse all future gifts from her and to say "Just keep it, saves me returning it" but I think I'm rather more abrasive than you! I do hope this gets resolved xx

AdobeWanKenobi · 05/10/2022 23:00

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/10/2022 20:52

And yet you used it anyway…

Show quote history

I did wonder when I read it if the poster knew it was a slur why the fuck include it.
Its very much “I’m not racist but….” Isn’t it?

donkeymcdonkface · 06/10/2022 07:44

My MIL did exactly the same - so I gave them back. But I did find it very odd at the time as thought they were made for my baby/future babies.

PearlyShamps · 06/10/2022 08:04

I find flattery is a big softener in situations like this. Could you explain to your MIL how much you appreciated and really liked the gift, and would find it hard to part with these items now - especially as you'd love your 2nd DC (her future grandchild) to have the opportunity to use them? She might not realise how much you do actually like and want to keep these items.

Schulte · 06/10/2022 08:25

Interesting. This reminds me of a lovely soft blanket that MIL bought for my DD. We were also asked to pass it on to SIL when her baby arrived. It wasn’t handmade by MIL though so slightly different to your situation!

TootsAtOwls · 06/10/2022 08:59

Don't give them back for the sake of "keeping the peace". That will just encourage her to think it's a normal request instead of deeply weird.

I'd "forget" until she asks again then act incredulous. "What? You want x, y and z back? But I thought they were gifts! They belong to ds, I can't take them off him!"

She's obviously being tight and not wanting to buy more presents

Musti · 06/10/2022 09:08

Have you spoken to her and told her about still using the blanket and wanting to keep the rest for a future child?

I have 4 kids and have some stuff and got it back. It makes sense for people to pass on baby stuff and get it back if needed again. So many items only used for such a short time!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2022 09:11

You can also say "MIL, when you give people gifts, you can't have them back at any random time in the future. That's not how gifts works. Obviously I'm not going to give my sons personalised blanket to you to give to someone else!

I think you can happily say this, and you’d be right.

Personalised items can also have sentimental value

Sceptre86 · 06/10/2022 09:50

Get your dh to deal with her and say that you want to keep them. Why on earth would she want you to pass on a personalised blanket? Does she like you op? My mil gifted me knitted cardigans she had made for my dd1 and ds when they were born. She packaged them in tissue paper and then a lovely gift box. I have used what I could for dd2 and she was so pleased that I had looked after them so well. There were some that went straight into dd1 and ds's memory boxes ( wouldn't have fit dd2 as she was the biggest yet).

Yousee · 06/10/2022 09:59

It's very kind of your son to donate his gifts to his fathe

Yousee · 06/10/2022 10:01

Gah too soon!
... To his father's mothers brothers partners siblings child's baby.
Write it down like that and the whole thing is even more ridiculous!
Don't accept any more "gifts" from her, tell her as your DS is now old enough to know his things are being taken from him and you can't have that.

babba2014 · 06/10/2022 10:03

It's a gift, there is no way you can give it back.
If doesn't belong to your MIL or to you. It belongs to your son.
It is up to him to decide when he is an adult what to do with it. I would tell her this.
If she gave it to you to use for your son that's different, you can give it back. But if she gifted it to your son, it's his and no one can do anything with it.

Calphurnia88 · 06/10/2022 10:13

Whilst I think it's very unreasonable to ask for personalised gifts back... I can understand why it would be a shame for baby clothes, which still have life left in them, to gather dust in an attic. It's also much better for the environment to reuse clothing, as well as providing financial support to new parents at a critical time (and we are in a cost of living crisis). We intend to pass on our baby clothes and other paraphernalia to our relatives, however, there are some items we've asked them to be extra careful with should be have more children in the future.

That said, it is our choice to hand down these items.

edenhills · 06/10/2022 10:23

just say no but in a nice way. E.g. If you don't mind I'd rather not pass them on as they are so loved! we have kept them in a special box in the loft and hope to give them to DC to use with their own children one day. Thanks again for the gifts, it means so much to us to have hand made gifts from you xxx

AdobeWanKenobi · 06/10/2022 11:32

Calphurnia88 · 06/10/2022 10:13

Whilst I think it's very unreasonable to ask for personalised gifts back... I can understand why it would be a shame for baby clothes, which still have life left in them, to gather dust in an attic. It's also much better for the environment to reuse clothing, as well as providing financial support to new parents at a critical time (and we are in a cost of living crisis). We intend to pass on our baby clothes and other paraphernalia to our relatives, however, there are some items we've asked them to be extra careful with should be have more children in the future.

That said, it is our choice to hand down these items.

OP States:

My son is a young toddler and we hope to have another child shortly so we haven't passed on any of the baby things yet as hope to be able to use them again.

So they will be reused and not gathering dust in an attic. Aside from which, as a gift it is down to OP to decide what she does with them.

As for passing on your stuff:

there are some items we've asked them to be extra careful with should be have more children in the future.

A gift with strings is not a gift and if you offered me items with that proviso I'd refuse them completely. You've even said 'if'. So you want to give away your things but on the off chance you have another child you'd like them back. Are you related to the MIL?

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