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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL asking for gift back

193 replies

hattiez · 04/10/2022 13:44

My MIL knitted / crocheted some cardigans / jumpers/ outfits and a couple of blankets for my son when he was born. They where given to us in a gift bag / wrapped in tissue paper and with a card with the usual congratulations on. One of the blankets had his name on and the other in colours/ design to match the nursery we planned.
A distant member of my husbands family related by marriage is due a baby shortly, my MIL has asked for the items she made for my son to be returned so she can give them to the family member.
My son is a young toddler and we hope to have another child shortly so we haven't passed on any of the baby things yet as hope to be able to use them again.
I'm not a hoarder and will happily pass things on once no longer needed and I appreciate that perhaps my MIL just wants to see the things she made in use again or that it may have been poorly worded and will of course return the items she made and gifted but AIBU unreasonable to be a bit upset / shocked that she's asked for them back to regift particularly as one has his name on and were quite personalised?
The cardigans and outfits obviously no longer fit so have been stored with his other clothes hopefully for a sibling and the blanket is on the chair in his room.
I appreciate families / friends hand things down / pass things on and we benefitted from friends giving us things however I would have kept the hand kitted things regardless in appreciation of the love and work gone into them.
I will return the items I think as it would seem she wants them back and I respect that she made them but it makes me feel a bit upset and weird that she has asked for what I thought was a gift back to pass on and wary of accepting future "gifts" in case they are also removed but perhaps its just me being unreasonable

OP posts:
TarasHarp55 · 04/10/2022 14:19

No I wouldn't give them back. Just tell her they mean a lot to you because they were handmade specially for your son and you want them for your next one. Unbelievable that she'd ask for them back.

Let your dh step in and tell her she's being ridiculous.

StoppinBy · 04/10/2022 14:20

This one is on your husband to sort out.

He needs to tell her that they were given as a gift and she can't have them back as you still use or have an intended use for them.

HanSB · 04/10/2022 14:20

It's quite odd to ask for personalised handmade items back. Is it for her daughter's baby? I think that maybe she might have problems knitting now but wants to offer something she made to the other person and this is her quick fix solution to that

Topseyt123 · 04/10/2022 14:21

I'd just tell her that you are hoping for another baby soon and will be wanting to reuse them, and that your DS is particularly fond of and attached to the comfort blanket which has his name on.

It is bizarre to gift something and then later want it back.

boredOf · 04/10/2022 14:22

No. Keep it all. Tell her to piss off.

OriginalUsername3 · 04/10/2022 14:25

"Sorry MIL, I thought they were a gift for DS?"

I think she's being a bit nuts and I wouldn't just give them back, it's weird.

DrManhattan · 04/10/2022 14:25

Tell her you binned them

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/10/2022 14:26

MarmiteCoriander · 04/10/2022 14:00

odd, yes, but are there other issues going on? Does she now have arthritis and can no longer crochet for the other baby? Eye sight issues? Maybe she is trying to save herself time in starting again?

That’s what occurred to me as well; perhaps she can’t manage to make similar items for the new family baby., and doesn’t want to seem to have been playing favourites (next week on Mumsnet ‘ my mother in law made my SIL lots of handmade clothes and blankets for her baby, but she hasn’t made any for me : responses - oh she hates you, she is cutting you out, break off contact with her, etc etc )

Maybe you could hand them back and tell her that you hope she will be returning them to you when you have another child ( a bit like a family christening gown). Can she put the new child’s name on the blanket ? That would make into a family record and an heirloom.

Really, many people on here seem to thrive on the possibility of confrontation and dissension .( at least for other people). Grace is often met with grace.

TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 14:27

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/10/2022 14:26

That’s what occurred to me as well; perhaps she can’t manage to make similar items for the new family baby., and doesn’t want to seem to have been playing favourites (next week on Mumsnet ‘ my mother in law made my SIL lots of handmade clothes and blankets for her baby, but she hasn’t made any for me : responses - oh she hates you, she is cutting you out, break off contact with her, etc etc )

Maybe you could hand them back and tell her that you hope she will be returning them to you when you have another child ( a bit like a family christening gown). Can she put the new child’s name on the blanket ? That would make into a family record and an heirloom.

Really, many people on here seem to thrive on the possibility of confrontation and dissension .( at least for other people). Grace is often met with grace.

Show quote history

There is nothing graceful about asking for presents back.

Sillystripytail · 04/10/2022 14:27

Uh, no. This is weird. They were gifts to your son, you don't ask for gifts back. People are so strange. Just say no. Tell her you're keeping them for a potential sibling too if you like, though a simple no should do.

Calphurnia88 · 04/10/2022 14:27

It is unusual but perhaps she's a more practical than sentimental person, and thinking that if you no longer have use for them then other family members will.

I would return the clothing DS has grown out of but say you would like to keep the personalised blanket as a keepsake.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2022 14:28

Oh sorry Mary, we're still using those blankets but I'll have a look if there's anything else we've finished with and aren't keeping for baby 2.

Sorted.

Derbee · 04/10/2022 14:28

Hi MIL,
DH mentioned that you’d like the items you knitted for us back, to regift to Random Distant Relation? Unfortunately they’re safely packed away in the loft, in case we have another baby, so won’t be possible. DS still uses the blanket, so we won’t be able to give that to Random Distant Relation either.
Hattiez

TheOrigRights · 04/10/2022 14:29

"I had understood that they were gifts, so I am a bit confused"

Then let her explain. It's going to be hard of her to explain how a personalised item could possibly NOT be a gift.

Wetblanket78 · 04/10/2022 14:30

That's very odd I'm sure the person she gives them to though wouldn't want a personalized blanket made for another child.

andtheweedonkey · 04/10/2022 14:30

Tell her you'll package them up...but they need to be put thru a hot wash first. Wink

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/10/2022 14:32

Full disclosure I’m a knitter and we can be weird…

That being said your MIL is weirder than most. I kind of think you are going to have to come to grips that this is likely the start of of an interesting ride. So I start as you men to go with her. Out of absolute curiosity I would ask her what is going on with the request.

If I had to guess being a knitter she wants her stuff to be used vs sitting in a drawer. Some knitters want their creations to be treasured…some want them to be used, be it as a baby blanket or a dog blanket. Maybe she had some odd vision of the whole family sharing these heirlooms and creating some magical thread (like that movie with the traveling jeans).

seriously please talk to her if nothing else but to let us know what she is thinking!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2022 14:33

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/10/2022 14:26

That’s what occurred to me as well; perhaps she can’t manage to make similar items for the new family baby., and doesn’t want to seem to have been playing favourites (next week on Mumsnet ‘ my mother in law made my SIL lots of handmade clothes and blankets for her baby, but she hasn’t made any for me : responses - oh she hates you, she is cutting you out, break off contact with her, etc etc )

Maybe you could hand them back and tell her that you hope she will be returning them to you when you have another child ( a bit like a family christening gown). Can she put the new child’s name on the blanket ? That would make into a family record and an heirloom.

Really, many people on here seem to thrive on the possibility of confrontation and dissension .( at least for other people). Grace is often met with grace.

Show quote history

It isn't a SIL or similar tho. Op says distant member of my husbands family related by marriage so possibly Mils nephew or similar.

You ask not demand for things that belong to other people. And passing on a named blanket you've knitted for your grandson to a great niece or nephew is just odd.

If she'd ASKED if op had finished with the other one and would she MIND passing it on to her cousin Sarah's sons wife as she'd having a new baby and she can't knit stuff like that anymore /

MarigoldMoonStone · 04/10/2022 14:33

YABU if you haven’t told her you want to keep them for your next baby. It’s not that weird of her to ask, except the personalised item.

Workawayxx · 04/10/2022 14:33

Not OK to ask for the gifts back! But now she has, I'd think it was not worth a fall out over a few cardigans. I'd just say "oh, we were planning to keep as they're so special and we're hoping to use for DC2...". If she persists and says they can come back to you once used by relative then I'd just let them go but state you're keeping the blanket with his name on.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2022 14:33

etc fine, but she didn't.

Manners do

Dahlietta · 04/10/2022 14:35

This is the sort of thing my mil would do because she’s very practical and not at all sentimental. It wouldn’t occur to her that we treasure them. We would tell her we did and she would be pleased. Problem over. Could it be something like that?

ParentallyUnprepared · 04/10/2022 14:36

"I'm saving it for DC2".

Repeat.

PurpleHoney · 04/10/2022 14:38

How unusual, especially with the personalised items!

What you do Depends on how much you like the items. I would return everything and make it clear that i don't want any more 'gifts' from MIL. But if you really want to keep the things, tell her that's she's being weird to ask for the things back and that you consider them to be gifts that you will be keeping.

Honestly WTF is wrong with some people. Is she mentally unwell?? It's not normal to ask for gifts back years later, especially personalised ones!

Chooksnroses · 04/10/2022 14:39

As a grandmother who knits, I just want to say it's the dream of many of us to have someone who truly appreciates our work. Does she actually know how much you have used them and love them? If she has visited and not actually seen them in use, she may think you haven't liked or appreciated them.