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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have an argument about mil dressing my son girly?

219 replies

Aleeson · 03/10/2022 20:41

So me and my partner have a 2 yr old son and we are very blessed with grandparents on both ends who regularly spend time with our son, however there are some issues I’m having with my MIL.

Occasionally our son stays at grandparents house, we always pack a bag full of clothes and shoes to go with him for any occasion and there’s plenty of spares. My mil seems to ignore the bag of stuff we provide and constantly dresses him into her granddaughters clothes and SHOES or my sons clothes that were in her house and now are too small (I did request to donate them or give back to me so I can donate them)
What absolutely boiled my blood this time is that me and my partner were away for a few days because of work and we come back to our son dressed like a little girl and wore a jumper
2 sizes too small. Meanwhile she said to us she had a few of her friends come round and they had a good play in the garden (which is lovely) but
he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick and looks like his parents do not care about him at all! Or that we desperately wanted a girl and now trying to dress our son like one! I can’t imagine what her friends think of us, honestly it is quite embarrassing. My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it! But he thinks I’m overreacting and he’s too little anyway to recognise he is wearing skirt over tights with flower pattern (I wish I was joking) but this gets me to the point that I feel like I would rather have my mum him when it’s needed all of the time because this is just humiliating both for my boy and me. AIBU to have an argument over that?

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 04/10/2022 12:55

victoriacrosshairs · 03/10/2022 20:45

Is he going to catch the gay?

Stupid comment. None of the gay men I know wear womens clothes!

Doowop1919 · 04/10/2022 12:58

Gender stereotypes are absolutely bullshit. Who cares if he's in "girls clothes". 🙄🙄

But he should be in weather appropriate clothes.

AntsGoMarchingOneByOne · 04/10/2022 13:05

Yeah, it's weird to dress a boy in a skirt, regardless of what "woke" people say.
I bet those who say "Gender steeorypes are bullshit" wouldn't want their husband go out in a dress 😆

Moonlightdust · 04/10/2022 13:14

AntsGoMarchingOneByOne · 04/10/2022 13:05

Yeah, it's weird to dress a boy in a skirt, regardless of what "woke" people say.
I bet those who say "Gender steeorypes are bullshit" wouldn't want their husband go out in a dress 😆

Yes it’s so hypocritical.

Velvian · 04/10/2022 13:15

It's not very practical for any 2 year old to wear a skirt and tights, regardless of sex. They should be warn and free to play.

There is also something odd about undressing him in order to dress him in 'girls' clothes. YANBU.

MumofSpud · 04/10/2022 13:15

I thought this would be that YOU were dressing your son in what he wanted ie skirts dresses and the grandparents disagreed!

He is 2 - he is not going to feel humiliated, neither did he get a temperature from a rain coat rather than a jacket

However the wearing clothes / shoes that are too small and not for dress up is weird!

Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 13:28

Ffsmakeitstop · 04/10/2022 12:49

I'm surprised ops DH is not a bit upset at the fact his mother always wanted a girl as if him and his brother are not enough.
Too many pp obsessing over the gay comment. That's obviously not what op meant and you all know it.
Tell her straight op and if she cries so what. Her feelings are no more important than yours. As for threatening to kill herself how manipulative. I would suggest she gets medical help.

Yes, I’m surprised how think-skinned he is! Because in all of our relationship she did say even to him a lot of things that I would not want hear from my mother. I think he must be used to this as this is how he must have been growing up with MIL obviously favouring her other son over him and so on

OP posts:
Flowersintheattic57 · 04/10/2022 13:30

The grandmother’s behaviour is manipulative. She is used to her sons quickly giving in to her tears and threats of suicide if they don’t fall in with her weird requests.
How would you respond if someone else displayed this behaviour that wasn’t a family member?
You need to sit down with your husband and agree a united front on how to respond and then follow through.

Kedece2410 · 04/10/2022 13:33

A 2 year old isn't going to care what they're wearing they don't have any concept at that age what are 'boy' clothes or 'girl' clothes. They certainly aren't going to be humiliated

Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 13:35

Doowop1919 · 04/10/2022 12:58

Gender stereotypes are absolutely bullshit. Who cares if he's in "girls clothes". 🙄🙄

But he should be in weather appropriate clothes.

It is not at all about gender stereotypes, it is about my MIL treating him like doll to fulfil her wishes of having another granddaughter and wearing him not weather appropriate clothes or even the clothes that do not fit him! If it was and odd sparkly jumper here and there or a pair of pink leggings - would not be a problem
it is the fact he is dressed in skirts and tights to go out with her rather than his clothes that are always available to her

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 13:38

I cannot believe people are defending the MIL and being so horrible to the OP

All in the name of being ‘cool’ about gendered clothing etc

take the gender of the child out of it completely. I have a dd for example and if I took her to MILs and she took her clothes off that I’d sent her in - perfectly fine, clean, practical clothes and shoes and a coat that dd was comfortable in - and put her in stuff that was dd’s cousins years ago which didn’t fit properly and was not as warm, practical etc, I’d be absolutely baffled ! And anyone who says they wouldn’t care is lying.

also people that bang on about ‘well it’s free childcare’ - you obviously don’t have the kind of MIL who BEGS to look after the DC even though you have absolutely no need to leave them. My MIL has been after having Dd alone for an evening or a day since she was a 3 wk old exclusively breastfed newborn. They don’t do it to help you out. They do it to play dollies.

Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 13:41

latetothefisting · 04/10/2022 12:55

This! The first few posters are so eager to prove their wokeness they are ignoring the fact this is very weird behaviour! Putting a pink unicorn t shirt she had to hand on him because his tractor one got dirty - completely fine. Letting him dress up as a princess if HE WANTS TO - fine.

Deliberately finding girls skirts and tights and dressing him in that when he has lots of his own, well fitting and appropriate for the weather clothes with him - fucking odd and creepy!

Show quote history

Yes, exactly, if HE chose to wear girls clothes - I would not have a problem
of if it had to be done because his clothes are dirty - fine too!
mots just the whole dressing him up on purpose even though she does know nobody in the family agrees with that

OP posts:
Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 13:48

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 13:38

I cannot believe people are defending the MIL and being so horrible to the OP

All in the name of being ‘cool’ about gendered clothing etc

take the gender of the child out of it completely. I have a dd for example and if I took her to MILs and she took her clothes off that I’d sent her in - perfectly fine, clean, practical clothes and shoes and a coat that dd was comfortable in - and put her in stuff that was dd’s cousins years ago which didn’t fit properly and was not as warm, practical etc, I’d be absolutely baffled ! And anyone who says they wouldn’t care is lying.

also people that bang on about ‘well it’s free childcare’ - you obviously don’t have the kind of MIL who BEGS to look after the DC even though you have absolutely no need to leave them. My MIL has been after having Dd alone for an evening or a day since she was a 3 wk old exclusively breastfed newborn. They don’t do it to help you out. They do it to play dollies.

thank you!! Yes that is the thing that we are able to pay for alternative childcare and gosh I would be happy to do so! It is just that she almost demands to have him for a sleepover and he does enjoy it to be fair, but I feel like in the long run it could be traumatising for my son to see that his own grandma wants him to be a girl!
and yes the things is we do send a lot of things for him to wear if he stays overnight there, so it is not like he will get one outfit messy and he’s left with nothing to wear but skirts and tights! And more so I don’t see how a skirts and tight would be more comfy to run around in the garden than a pair of joggers

OP posts:
Bobbysgirls · 04/10/2022 14:36

Omg I’m so sorry I thought it was quiet and couldn’t find my thread! I’m new!

Holly60 · 04/10/2022 20:32

NormaTheWife · 03/10/2022 21:27

How does it stretch on MN from it being perfectly OK not to let your MIL to see or kiss baby as you are bonding for 6 weeks after birth to suddenly it is OK for her to dress him as a girl and you are not allowed to say anything ? MN mothers 🙄😂

Have you not noticed the shift? Most MIL posts on here these days are actually positive - which is a refreshingly lovely.

Treating MIL differently to your own mum just because, seems to have died a death, thank goodness.

Holly60 · 04/10/2022 20:39

But yea OP on this occasion your MIL sounds very odd.

Your son should be dressed in clothes you've chosen for him.

Beneficialchampion2 · 04/10/2022 21:00

You don't get Ill from being cold outside...it's an old wives tale

Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 21:01

Holly60 · 04/10/2022 20:39

But yea OP on this occasion your MIL sounds very odd.

Your son should be dressed in clothes you've chosen for him.

oh trust me in 6 years that I’ve known her I tried to treat her nice and with respect, but at this point I feel like I’m shooting myself in the foot by being nice and “soft” with her.
When I do express some sort of concern about her actions to her, she ends up smiling to my face and telling me she understands me and thanks me for telling her that and she won’t do that again and the next thing she does is calling my partner (like when we he is at work and definitely not next to me) and makes a huge scene how I’m being “mean” to her 🙄
It got to the point that I honestly don’t know how to communicate with her without it being a crying scene 😂
feels like a few more years like that and I’ll be booking a holiday to the looney bin for myself

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 04/10/2022 21:03

Are you sure it’s not him choosing these clothes op?

I agree it’s odd she’s ignoring the outfits you put in but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the style of the clothes as such. Have you asked her why she’s done this?

I honestly think people will just find it cute but you don’t want him wearing things too small I agree.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 04/10/2022 21:08

She sounds a nightmare and this is just another aspect of her manipulative behaviour.
Be strong, call her out in it and when she starts the poor me, I’m on edge, have to call for help routine tell her she should speak to a professional about this behaviour.
I speak as a grandparent - your child, your rules. It is NOT a grandparent’s place to change them.

katepilar · 04/10/2022 21:22

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 20:56

I doubt he cares what he’s wearing and you can’t get ill from being in the cold, it can only exacerbate an existing bug.

You get ill when your immune system is too weak to fight off the bugs that are kind of everywhere. Getting too cold/wet does weaken your body and your immune system.

whynotwhatknot · 04/10/2022 21:29

you have a dp problem then if hes not going to do anything about this

shes clearly got problems and she shouldnt be unsupervised anymore

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 21:31

Beneficialchampion2 · 04/10/2022 21:00

You don't get Ill from being cold outside...it's an old wives tale

I don't know know if that's true. My sister is a biologist and she says that if you get cold, your army in your blood that fights of invading bugs retreats further back into your body, thus allowing the enemy a foothold in your body. I know it all has medical terms but I can never remember them.

ScrollingLeaves · 04/10/2022 21:34

MarshaMelrose · Today 21:31

^Beneficialchampion2 · Today 21:00
You don't get Ill from being cold outside...it's an old wives tale^

I don't know know if that's true. My sister is a biologist and she says that if you get cold, your army in your blood that fights of invading bugs retreats further back into your body, thus allowing the enemy a foothold in your body. I know it all has medical terms but I can never remember them.

That’s right Marsha. I posted a research report about what you say up thread.

Cosmos123 · 04/10/2022 21:40

Why she putting in clothes that are not his.
Get your mil a doll she can dress up.