Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have an argument about mil dressing my son girly?

219 replies

Aleeson · 03/10/2022 20:41

So me and my partner have a 2 yr old son and we are very blessed with grandparents on both ends who regularly spend time with our son, however there are some issues I’m having with my MIL.

Occasionally our son stays at grandparents house, we always pack a bag full of clothes and shoes to go with him for any occasion and there’s plenty of spares. My mil seems to ignore the bag of stuff we provide and constantly dresses him into her granddaughters clothes and SHOES or my sons clothes that were in her house and now are too small (I did request to donate them or give back to me so I can donate them)
What absolutely boiled my blood this time is that me and my partner were away for a few days because of work and we come back to our son dressed like a little girl and wore a jumper
2 sizes too small. Meanwhile she said to us she had a few of her friends come round and they had a good play in the garden (which is lovely) but
he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick and looks like his parents do not care about him at all! Or that we desperately wanted a girl and now trying to dress our son like one! I can’t imagine what her friends think of us, honestly it is quite embarrassing. My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it! But he thinks I’m overreacting and he’s too little anyway to recognise he is wearing skirt over tights with flower pattern (I wish I was joking) but this gets me to the point that I feel like I would rather have my mum him when it’s needed all of the time because this is just humiliating both for my boy and me. AIBU to have an argument over that?

OP posts:
PizzaPizza56 · 03/10/2022 22:55

Why is everyone deliberately missing the point!?

OP, yes it is really weird and controlling that your MIL refuses to dress your son in his own clothes. She's undermining you.

Narwhalsh · 03/10/2022 22:58

The kid is 2. 2 year olds love dress up! I suspect the kid is seeing the exciting other clothes and wanting to wear them. Or seeing girl cousin and wanting to copy. My boys loved to wear the princess dresses at nursery any chance they got!

He didn’t get a cold from the coat, it was a virus

NotJustAnybody · 03/10/2022 23:04

Absolutely batshit behaviour from your MIL. I would be livid if I turned up and found my DS in obviously girly clothes. It's totally different to girls wearing boys clothes and come on you pp's, you know it. It doesn't compare.
As odd as it may seem, yes, I too would worry about what people thought of me, even if I wasn't with my DS at the time. I've put a pink collar on my male cat and jokingly thought, OMG, he'll be so embarrassed. That's ridiculous I know. 😂
If there is a next time, tell her quite clearly that he is not to be dressed as a girl. If she does it again and you feel so strongly about it, stop her having him. Really, it's up to your DH to grow a backbone and deal with this.

Novum · 03/10/2022 23:07

he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick

He didn't get a temperature as a result of wearing a raincoat outside. Being cold does not give people viruses or infections or cause fever.

OriginalUsername3 · 03/10/2022 23:10

I think people are being a bit dense to say OP is worried her son will be made gay.

You don't dress someone else's kid in clothes other that what is provided. You don't dress someone else's SON in skirts.

You don't refuse to put a coat, when provided, on somebody else's child.

It's all just fucking weird and inappropriate. And honestly I would tell her she can't look after him because she won't put his coat on and keeps putting him in skirts and too small clothing.

I'm very anti stereotypes and dress DS in "girls" clothes as they're often more colourful. But I'd never put him in a skirt or dress. When he's old enough to express an opinion he can wear what he wants but no one else is making that decision.

FlibbertyGiblets · 03/10/2022 23:13

been and done it. · 03/10/2022 22:44

I'm an oldie on here..on the whole it's more entertaining than gransnet..so my opinion seems to be out of line but I completely agree with the OP..If I had found my ILs dressing my son in flowery tights and a skirt and skin tight too small tops etc. I would have had a blue fit. What a nonsense...the woman is off her trolley and yes I would be mortified if other people saw him too. Bagtshit crazy is often used on MN and it's pretty appropriate in this case. I certainly wouldn't have kept quiet about it.

WAIT A MINUTE!
You have SPACES in your username? Shock Envy
How?

Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:14

To clarify a few things:
1)She has always dreamed of a granddaughter (even though she does have one) and was obviously disappointed to find out we were having a boy so I guess this is one of the reasons this situation annoys me
2)I do not have a problem with boys/men wear any type of clothes that are considered “feminine” by choice
why My situation annoys me is that it is certainly NOT his choice, if he choose to wear it - wouldn’t be a problem.
3)The other thing is that she does take him
to town like that and then almost excitingly tells me he was called a girl that day by someone
4) No, she is not elderly, early 50s
5) Why I see it humiliating is probably because in the family I come from it just would not be acceptable and my mother spent a lot of time making sure me and my siblings looked well. And I do like him dressed In boys clothes (she definitely knows that) so feels like it’s almost done on purpose?

now I’m not saying I want my child to look like a prince all of the time, but I do want him dressed in his own clothes that he fits into well and likes

OP posts:
Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:19

muddy clothes never and issue as she has been told many times there are a lot of spared so for any accident and I do not mind him being sent home with a bag full of dirty clothes.
Yes she does it willingly, like most grandparents, but we do pay pay her by booking a weekend getaway to a place of her choice
and she had him no more than 2 night a months and occasionally pick him up from nursery to take him home if I’m stuck at work so it’s not like she has him half of the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:22

That’s the thing, he doesn’t! He is not even shown his clothes when he gets there it seems, as the bag untouched :/ at home he would only choose something with a car or some characters or if it’s swamp green :D so hard to believe he’d choose pink

OP posts:
Creameggs223 · 03/10/2022 23:25

He would catch a cold/viral from being cold the virus has to be about somewhere for him to catch it.

SuSen · 03/10/2022 23:26

This is not about a boy being dressed in girls clothes, this is about a MIL not respecting the wishes of her grandchild's mother when she is looking after him.

MIL sounds like a crackpot. I wouldn't be sending my child there if she's not going to comply with your wishes. And yes, it is absolutely worth a discussion if he's coming home ill because for whatever reason she won't put the coat on that you supplied for he catches a cold..

Stravaig · 03/10/2022 23:27

How do you know he doesn't like what he wears at Grannie's, and does like what you choose for him? He's 2!! I think you're conflating your preference for his clothes with his preferences - which are likely none, with wacky forays into creative dressing up which could easily include garments you consider for girls only.

Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:37

And again, not I’m not worried skirts will turn him gay :D if anything will turn him gay, doubt it will be skirts :D it is just that there a always plenty of his own clothes to choose from but it’s being ignored :/ especially the shoes, he does have a wide feet so even shopping for shoes is a bit of challenge for us and not a lot of should will be wide enough
and if the situation was that we couldn’t afford to buy new clothes and had to use whatever’s left from his cousins at her house - wouldn’t be a problem too
And yes, he is 2 and does have preferences and does help me choose his clothes in the shops and to this day has never shown any interest in girls section, even though we do some shopping in girls section for my friends baby, so I am quite confident it was not his choice

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 03/10/2022 23:44

If I walked in to my MIL house and saw my little boy in flowery tights and a skirt I would look aghast and point blank say ‘why in gods name have you dressed him as a girl? Surely you’ve not taken him out like that? He better not have been like that when so and so popped round was he? Then I’d pick up my son and address him and say ‘what’s granny doing to you? Granny wants another little girl I think! Ahh let’s get you in your nice, normal clothes! Hey, Jackie, pass me his bag and I’ll get him dressed.’

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/10/2022 23:44

YABU about the skirt and the flowery tights
YANBU about clothes that are too small when the correct size is available
The shoes are just wrong and could hurt or damage his feet. You and or your husband need to put a stop to that.

Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:50

And to add, in his 2 years of life there were other situations like his cards/present bags from her are almost always pink / Disney princess stuff because she likes it (that’s what she told to my partner when he questioned her on that)
also on many occasions I suggested that my son goes to my parents all of the time as my mum works from home and only 2 days a week and my parents have a lot more active lifestyle and in general it would be easier for them to look after a hyperactive 2 year old…. but then I was thrown with a lot of arguments that I keep my son from seeing his grandma from dad’s side etc and she has thrown a crying scene when I didn’t let her have him for a sleepover when he was only a few weeks old :/

OP posts:
ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 03/10/2022 23:51

rattlemehearties · 03/10/2022 20:55

Give her a good selection of his clothes that actually fit if you don't want this to happen!

I can't believe your comment about this being "humiliating"... why is it humiliating to dress "like a girl"? (Whatever that means... my DS wears pink and sequins and he's still a boy)

Please RTFT 🤦🏼‍♀️ OP HAS given her appropriate clothes for him but MIL refuses to use them!

Blueink · 03/10/2022 23:51

Hmm I agree to a point, but you are over egging it a bit. It’s not about anyone’s preference other than yours, as he’s practically a baby. Too tight items, especially shoes and inappropriate clothing for the weather is totally unacceptable, but I can’t get excited about flowery leggings or whatever, sorry. This seems a bit of a hang up from your DP (I don’t agree with MIL not seeing DC for first 6 weeks either FWIW).
I would take proactive action to collect DS’s old ill fitting clothes and preferably leave a change of his current clothes at MIL. There might be some other narrative she has about not wanting to unpack the bag, mess up his new stuff in the garden or create extra washing for you, who knows.

Nat6999 · 03/10/2022 23:53

Think yourself lucky, ds other Grandma used to dress him like a 1950's knitting pattern, I honestly think that it why he has a phobia of wearing anything knitted.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 03/10/2022 23:53

Toottooot · 03/10/2022 21:01

So why do constantly keep putting him there - dinna like fit she dis - dinna pit him there 🤷🏻‍♀️

In English? Dinna? Fit? Wtf?!?

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/10/2022 23:55

Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:50

And to add, in his 2 years of life there were other situations like his cards/present bags from her are almost always pink / Disney princess stuff because she likes it (that’s what she told to my partner when he questioned her on that)
also on many occasions I suggested that my son goes to my parents all of the time as my mum works from home and only 2 days a week and my parents have a lot more active lifestyle and in general it would be easier for them to look after a hyperactive 2 year old…. but then I was thrown with a lot of arguments that I keep my son from seeing his grandma from dad’s side etc and she has thrown a crying scene when I didn’t let her have him for a sleepover when he was only a few weeks old :/

@Aleeson

Let her cry and cause a scene she’s a weirdo, keep your son away.

Original poster
Aleeson · 03/10/2022 23:59

If I walked in to my MIL house and saw my little boy in flowery tights and a skirt I would look aghast and point blank say ‘why in gods name have you dressed him as a girl? Surely you’ve not taken him out like that? He better not have been like that when so and so popped round was he? Then I’d pick up my son and address him and say ‘what’s granny doing to you? Granny wants another little girl I think! Ahh let’s get you in your nice, normal clothes! Hey, Jackie, pass me his bag and I’ll get him dressed.’

Yes, I definitely should have done it this way. But the thing with her, if you tell her you don’t like somethings she’s doing she starts bawling her eyes out and I see it a way of manipulation and often have a cold reaction to this, yet my partner thinks we should be soft with her as she is so sensitive

**TW
I know her for 6 years and it is always ends with “I’m so bad, nobody likes me, poor me, brb gotta call the mental breakdown helpline, feel on edge” kind of thing

the woman even went so far to dread us and her other kids that she is going to unalive herself because nobody loves, this happened many times and is also quite triggering for my partner

OP posts:
ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 04/10/2022 00:02

Blueink · 03/10/2022 23:51

Hmm I agree to a point, but you are over egging it a bit. It’s not about anyone’s preference other than yours, as he’s practically a baby. Too tight items, especially shoes and inappropriate clothing for the weather is totally unacceptable, but I can’t get excited about flowery leggings or whatever, sorry. This seems a bit of a hang up from your DP (I don’t agree with MIL not seeing DC for first 6 weeks either FWIW).
I would take proactive action to collect DS’s old ill fitting clothes and preferably leave a change of his current clothes at MIL. There might be some other narrative she has about not wanting to unpack the bag, mess up his new stuff in the garden or create extra washing for you, who knows.

Where did OP suggest her MIL not seeing their baby for 6 weeks after birth? I haven't seen that mentioned???

Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 00:07

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 04/10/2022 00:02

Where did OP suggest her MIL not seeing their baby for 6 weeks after birth? I haven't seen that mentioned???

Show quote history

No we allowed grandparents to see our baby literary same week he was born, in fact, both of the grandparents were always welcome to come see him at our house as soon as the cocos restrictions were lifted ,
so we definitely never hid our child from family

OP posts:
Original poster
Aleeson · 04/10/2022 00:08

Aleeson · 04/10/2022 00:07

No we allowed grandparents to see our baby literary same week he was born, in fact, both of the grandparents were always welcome to come see him at our house as soon as the cocos restrictions were lifted ,
so we definitely never hid our child from family

Show quote history

*COVID

OP posts: