To have an argument about mil dressing my son girly?

[Aleeson]

So me and my partner have a 2 yr old son and we are very blessed with grandparents on both ends who regularly spend time with our son, however there are some issues I’m having with my MIL.

Occasionally our son stays at grandparents house, we always pack a bag full of clothes and shoes to go with him for any occasion and there’s plenty of spares. My mil seems to ignore the bag of stuff we provide and constantly dresses him into her granddaughters clothes and SHOES or my sons clothes that were in her house and now are too small (I did request to donate them or give back to me so I can donate them)
What absolutely boiled my blood this time is that me and my partner were away for a few days because of work and we come back to our son dressed like a little girl and wore a jumper
2 sizes too small. Meanwhile she said to us she had a few of her friends come round and they had a good play in the garden (which is lovely) but
he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick and looks like his parents do not care about him at all! Or that we desperately wanted a girl and now trying to dress our son like one! I can’t imagine what her friends think of us, honestly it is quite embarrassing. My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it! But he thinks I’m overreacting and he’s too little anyway to recognise he is wearing skirt over tights with flower pattern (I wish I was joking) but this gets me to the point that I feel like I would rather have my mum him when it’s needed all of the time because this is just humiliating both for my boy and me. AIBU to have an argument over that?

Unalive herself?

I know other posters are trying to stress the point that really there are no ‘girls’ clothes or ‘boys’ clothes except in adults’ minds and a small child won’t care.

But in practice many of us dress in clothes roughly designed according to our cultural ideas of what each sex wears (except for Christening robes)

I think it is very odd of this grandmother to specifically opt to dress him in another, girl child’s clothes when he has had his own provided. Does your husband know why she is doing this?

On the other hand, if he has a happy time with her that is the main thing and the clothes don’t really matter at all. He is so young he won’t be comparing his clothes with other children’s;.and friends will just know it is your mother in law’s funny ways.

Another things to add, my partners family has beed very much struggling financially when he was growing up, and the MIL still like to hoard things ( I think I comes from having absolutely no money when she was young) which could be the reason for the clothes worn until they absolutely do not fit in, but we are not in this situation and neither is she now , so there is no need for that
I’ve been “told off” by her for giving a lot of stuff away (both baby stuff we no longer need and my personal stuff) as it isn’t practical , which is something I struggle to understand. If my child has grown out of it/ doesn’t play with it I am not going to keep it in the attic in hopes IF we decide to have a second child to use it, and every time I asked for his outgrown clothes that I left in her house, or asked her to pass it on to charity or give to someone she would never do it, instead she puts it on my child even though he clearly grown out of it

@Bobbysgirls sorry to hear your struggles with long Covid and glad you are getting back on your feet. That is a tough situation, great for the support you’ve had when it was needed, but can understand why you want to build up your own confidence again as a Mum. Would you benefit from some emotional support, like counselling or parenting classes to help you build your confidence and own boundaries?
I also felt very secure with my DGM as it was a very calm and routine based environment. Yes, DC generally test the boundaries of their DP. Now your health is improving, though there is no reason you can’t look after him for most if not all of the time. 1 or (max) 2 days per week is plenty to provide some continuity and for you to establish new routines at home. Parenting isn’t about being perfect and some of the things you are stressing about don’t matter as much as you think they do, but understandably you feel under scrutiny and pressure to perform. Your style may well be different and that’s ok.

*Meaning 1 (or 2 days per week) with DGM

She did say that she does it because she likes how pretty girls clothes are and there’s still plenty of life in them, which is true, but why not to give to a little girl who will likely enjoy it more? Or charity?

or is that she finds our sons clothes ugly maybe? I don’t know, but he likes his clothes, especially his cartoons merch and is always super excited when he find his favourite characters in shops

at this point I’m just finding this whole girl dress up situation a bit creepy, as she always wanted daughters (never had one) then she had 1 granddaughter of her own and another step-granddaughter so technically she has 2! It’s not like she never got to buy a pretty dress for child or dress them up all cute

@Puffalicious it's what the youngsters seem to call suicide now, mainly because the word is flagged on some social media sites

I think you inadvertently hit the spot when you mention that she buys him Disney Princess card stuff because SHE likes it.

This has NOTHING to do with your son. It's entirely about her. What she wants, what she does, what makes her happy.

Your mistake was putting "girly" in the subject line

Your MIL has absolutely no interest in what is best for your son, or whether something is or isn't appropriate, so those of you slating the OP should cop on to yourselves. Yes, she feels weird having her child dressed as a girl, but the thing that makes her uncomfortable is probably the MIL's treating her child as a doll, and not a separate, sentient human being.

Also, yelling at her about the catching the cold thing. Just because she's wrong about that (although yes, if you're coming down with a cold, getting cold is a bad idea), doesn't mean she's wrong about MIL.

@Aleeson - ah, hadn't seen this - see, I'm right! You've got a bigger problem than flowery tights, I reckon.

Maybe have a browse of personality disorders. Usually considered the result of childhood take, the threatening to end her life, feeling that no affection/ attention is ever enough, no ability to regulate her own emotions.. can be signs of Borderline for example.

Not so you can attack her with it, but so you and DH can get some advice/ideas on how to manage your relationship with her.

I’d probably find alternative childcare. It would piss me off too. You provide clothes, she should use them. It’s very weird.

"Gay" is not "caught," nor is it learned. That said, your MIL should respect your wishes, and dress him in the clothes that you have sent.

@Mamanyt - wasn't she being facetious saying that? Hope so!

I do, too, but (sadly) it bears repeating. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard, "That will make them gay!" You'd think people would learn by now.

I think you have slipped up by using the word humiliated on here but you've said it now. I would not have liked that, or put up with it, for any of my 4 sons. That does include the youngest one who is gay! Don't think there is any way around it but to tell her straight. You just need to say you are sending him with all his own stuff and this is to be used, please. Maybe you could involve her in some discussion about future outfits you want to buy for him and why? Educate her about all the lovely things that are out there now for children. There was something to be said for the Mothercare catalogue we used to have back in the day. I don't think it is wrong to want your son to be treated in a way which is pretty much the 'norm' for 2022 UK.

Your MIL clearly has far bigger issues and the clothes thing is just a symptom. While your son is still quite young he probably won't understand her manipulative behaviour and language, but I'd fine alternative childcare asap. She isn't a safe adult, he deserves better.

Btw you don't need to use 'unalive' here, using the words kill and suicide won't get you banned.

She's batshit.

Don't let her mind him.

You wouldn't let anyone else get away with it so why should she.

Get her a Barbie doll to dress up.

YABU. It's too late, he's already been gayed. You sound neurotic and DMIL sounds deranged. I'll bet family getherings are wonderful fun.

He did t get a temperature of 39.4 from being outside in the wrong coat.

Ah, I see. How ridiculous.

Exactly!

I cannot believe that people still think this.

OP. I don't think this can get resolved I'm afraid. I think she'll continue to do what she does.

It sounds like MIL will do what she wants because that's what makes her happy and screw what anyone else thinks and says.

MIL has a problem as she manipulates you all with emotional blackmail and actions.

I think you are better off not sending DS there and then when asked say you don't put him in the clothes I've sent. Ignore the waterworks.

I hope he's not wearing ill fitted shoes that are not suitable for his wide feet 😥

@TropicalShakedown thank you for that nugget of info!

Playing outside in a girl's raincoat doesn't cause fever OP.

As to the rest of your goady nonsense ... just piss off.