To have an argument about mil dressing my son girly?

[Aleeson]

So me and my partner have a 2 yr old son and we are very blessed with grandparents on both ends who regularly spend time with our son, however there are some issues I’m having with my MIL.

Occasionally our son stays at grandparents house, we always pack a bag full of clothes and shoes to go with him for any occasion and there’s plenty of spares. My mil seems to ignore the bag of stuff we provide and constantly dresses him into her granddaughters clothes and SHOES or my sons clothes that were in her house and now are too small (I did request to donate them or give back to me so I can donate them)
What absolutely boiled my blood this time is that me and my partner were away for a few days because of work and we come back to our son dressed like a little girl and wore a jumper
2 sizes too small. Meanwhile she said to us she had a few of her friends come round and they had a good play in the garden (which is lovely) but
he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick and looks like his parents do not care about him at all! Or that we desperately wanted a girl and now trying to dress our son like one! I can’t imagine what her friends think of us, honestly it is quite embarrassing. My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it! But he thinks I’m overreacting and he’s too little anyway to recognise he is wearing skirt over tights with flower pattern (I wish I was joking) but this gets me to the point that I feel like I would rather have my mum him when it’s needed all of the time because this is just humiliating both for my boy and me. AIBU to have an argument over that?

I never said it did. I purely commented on the fact her MIL is going against her wishes. If he doesn't care that his child is wearing clothes that are too small for him then that's odd, I'm sure no one wants to wear clothes that are too small for them. Especially if they have a choice

I think it's weird she doesn't use the clothes you send, and uses ill-fitting ones, regardless of the rest of it.
He won't have got ill from wearing a raincoat rather than a jacket, though.

It’s odd, I’m not sure I’d keep sending him there.

She sounds really odd and I would stop taking him there for sleepovers..not saying stop contact all together as I'm sure she's a loving grandmother. But that is seriously strange behaviour from her.

Honestly I would find it a bit embarrassing to know that people have seen my child in a mish mash of hand me downs and too small clothes people will think he has been dropped off with nothing and granny has "done her best with what she had"

Plus who the fuck wants to put tights on a two year old its easier to pill a reluctant cat

It’s odd behaviour and I wouldn’t be leaving him with her until I’d got to the bottom of it and satisfied myself she was safe to be in charge of him.

I think clothing that is too small and inappropriate can be humiliating for the wearer. Something that’s normally associated with being worn by girls is only humiliating if you think there’s something lesser about being considered female or you’re super uptight about gender presentation - both of which attitudes are unhealthy for careers of children. But that doesn’t make it a reasonable thing to ignore the clothes a kid is sent with and deliberately put them in clothing that is obviously associated with the other sex unless the kid has expressed an interest and wants to try it.

Come on folks, it's not a rejection of feminist issues if you don't want your DS in tights, skirts and shoes that are not his! The point is the clothes provided are not being worn for no reason. If it was now and again, and MIL said they were dressing up, grand, but it's every time with no explanation. And it's not just a pink jumper, it's tights and skirts which are clearly not his.

OP it is odd. No matter what folk say on here, it's odd.

Yes he won’t catch ‘the gay’ but why not just dress him up in his own clothes? I’d not be happy with this tbh. What’s the point of deliberately dressing him up in ill-fitting girls’ clothes when he has his own well-fitting clothes?

I was expecting to read this and think you were BU but you send him with clothes to wear so it just comes off as weird from your MIL. Your son won’t mind but people might think you’re odd and that would annoy me. Just totally bizarre. What does she say about doing it?

Such a strange thing for your MIL to do. If she’s not following your wishes (no matter what they are) then I wouldn’t ask her to take him again.

I can totally understand. The husband needs to speak to his mum.

Is she dressing him in old stuff so what you have bought doesn't get ruined?

You have given her more than enough chances. If she was my MIL I’d have nothing more to do with her.

How hard is it to dress him in the cloths you pack for him? Maybe she has dementia or a leaning difficulty?

Genuinely my first thought here was that she thinks the clothes you buy him are lovely and she's worried about them getting torn/ dirty/ damaged while he's with her so she's putting him in old clothes he can rake about in without her having to worry about it being wrecked? Maybe you need to reassure her that you know he has a great time and might come home mucked to the eyeballs but that's the sign of time spent playing? Do you normally have him very well turned out that she might be worrying about this? I highly doubt it's anything sinister but I would probably insist on the coat, maybe even send him with a cheap one from primark or a charity shop that she can keep at hers for playing outside.

Well - he doesn't care what the clothes are. But it seems totally barmy to dress him in someone else's clothes when his own are there. Just plain nuts. Tell her not to do it and if she goes on then have him stay with your Mum and Dad.

Oh fgs. Some people are so determined to push the importance of breaking gender stereotypes that they are willing to pretend it's fine for the OP's MIL to refuse to dress her grandson in his own clothes because she wants him to dress like a girl. The fact that clothes don't really need to be gendered does not mean that you can demand that everyone ignore social norms or that anyone should use a small child to play out your own views on gender identity (or possibly, in this MIL's case, your preference for a grandchild of a particular sex).

"My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it!"

What does she say about it when you've mentioned it? Does she give any indication of why?? I just can't get my head around why she'd go out of her way to dress him in girls/I'll-fitting clothes when she has his own clothes right there!

This 👆🏽

The responses here are ridiculous.

OP sends a good selection of her son's own clothes and his GM insists on dressing him in something else. That's surely not OK whether the alternative clothes are old and scruffy or new and expensive or boys or girls. Why is everyone trying to pretend it's a normal way to carry on just to chastise OP for objecting to her son being dressed in girls' clothes?

I guess you'll have to find paid for chold care then.

I think you are making to much of a fuss over nothing . Kids don’t get poorly from a bit if cold either . If it bother you so much stop using her as childcare

Another ridiculous put down. OP has said she'd rather have her own (willing and able) parents have him and there's nothing to indicate that this is "childcare" only that his GPs like to have him.

So what does she say when you ask her why she's put him in those items @Aleeson @AriettyHomily

Great 1st post op

Of course she shouldn't be dressing him in girl's clothes. Some of the replies on here are so determinedly woke it's hard not to laugh.

I presume these posters would be equally sanguine if their husbands decided to go to the supermarket in a dress and high heels. I mean, it's only clothes.