Page 7 | To have an argument about mil dressing my son girly?

Aleeson · 2022-10-03T19:41:57+00:00

So me and my partner have a 2 yr old son and we are very blessed with grandparents on both ends who regularly spend time with our son, however there are some issues I’m having with my MIL. Occasionally our son stays at grandparents house, we always pack a bag full of clothes and shoes to go with him for any occasion and there’s plenty of spares. My mil seems to ignore the bag of stuff we provide and constantly dresses him into her granddaughters clothes and SHOES or my sons clothes that were in her house and now are too small (I did request to donate them or give back to me so I can donate them) What absolutely boiled my blood this time is that me and my partner were away for a few days because of work and we come back to our son dressed like a little girl and wore a jumper 2 sizes too small. Meanwhile she said to us she had a few of her friends come round and they had a good play in the garden (which is lovely) but he was wearing a raincoat instead of a jacket we provided (it was quite cold in our area) and when we come home after a few hrs we realised our son has a fever of 39.4!!! And what annoys me is that because she does not dress him in weather appropriate or at least his clothes he gets sick and looks like his parents do not care about him at all! Or that we desperately wanted a girl and now trying to dress our son like one! I can’t imagine what her friends think of us, honestly it is quite embarrassing. My partner promised to sort it out with her as I’m tired of repeating the same thing about the clothes as she seems to totally ignore it! But he thinks I’m overreacting and he’s too little anyway to recognise he is wearing skirt over tights with flower pattern (I wish I was joking) but this gets me to the point that I feel like I would rather have my mum him when it’s needed all of the time because this is just humiliating both for my boy and me. AIBU to have an argument over that?

Notanotherwindow · 04/10/2022 09:41

On the one hand, he is 2 and couldn't give a shit what he is wearing. On the other hand it is extremely odd to the point that I would worry about her mental state.

Calphurnia88 · 04/10/2022 09:58

If my DS wants to wear a flowery skirt when he's 2 (or whatever age) I will have no problem with it whatsoever, but if my DM/MIL took it upon herself to dress him in girls clothing that she'd hoarded away I would find this very odd.

ScrollingLeaves · 04/10/2022 09:59

KettrickenSmiled · Today 09:33
Playing outside in a girl's raincoat doesn't cause fever OP.

As to the rest of your goady nonsense ... just piss off.

What do you mean, goady. The OP has a difficult, manipulative, possibly disturbed mother-in-law who uses OP’s two year old son to fulfil some longings of her own. OP wanted support.

As for OP thinking getting wet and cold can cause someone to catch a bad cold, that is hardly unusual - that’s what everyone used to think.

in fact there does seem to be some evidence that getting very cold may make it easier for a virus that may have been present, but not having much effect, to take a greater hold.

from pub med
Abstract

It is commonly believed that exposure to low temperature increases susceptibility to viral infection in the human respiratory tract, but a molecular mechanism supporting this belief has yet to be discovered. In this study, we investigated the effect of low temperature on viral infection and innate defense in cell lines from the human respiratory tract and found that interferon-induced antiviral responses were impaired at low temperatures. Cells maintained at 25°C and 33°C expressed lower levels of myxovirus resistance protein 1 (MxA) and 2'5'-oligoadenylate synthetase 1 (OAS1) mRNAs when compared to cells maintained at 37°C after infection by seasonal influenza viruses. Exogenous β-interferon treatment reduced the viral replication at 37°C, but not at 25°C. Our results suggest that the impairment of interferon-induced antiviral responses by low temperature is one of several mechanisms that could explain an increase in host susceptibility to respiratory viruses after exposure to cold temperature.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28361289/?utm_source=research-news&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=research-news

zingally · 04/10/2022 10:18

I totally get you about dressing appropriately for the weather, but tbh, it's only October 4th. It's not THAT cold, and kids running around playing are not going to feel the chill at this point. He was likely already sickening for something before he went. I teach at an infant school, and there are some kids still running around at breaktimes in short sleeves.

As for the "girly" clothes - get over yourself. He's not going to turn gay because his granny put him in a flowery jumper and leggings when he was 2.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2022 10:22

“I can't believe your comment about this being "humiliating"... why is it humiliating to dress "like a girl"? (Whatever that means... my DS wears pink and sequins and he's still a boy”

This. Primark and Asda, I think it is, do really nice unisex ranges for kids. Two year olds don’t have the same hang ups as adults. What’s not to like about sequins?

would have a word about ill fitting clothes because they’re just not comfy. Otherwise I’d be grateful for the free childcare.

Oneandone · 04/10/2022 10:39

Aleeson · 04/10/2022 00:22

Another things to add, my partners family has beed very much struggling financially when he was growing up, and the MIL still like to hoard things ( I think I comes from having absolutely no money when she was young) which could be the reason for the clothes worn until they absolutely do not fit in, but we are not in this situation and neither is she now , so there is no need for that
I’ve been “told off” by her for giving a lot of stuff away (both baby stuff we no longer need and my personal stuff) as it isn’t practical , which is something I struggle to understand. If my child has grown out of it/ doesn’t play with it I am not going to keep it in the attic in hopes IF we decide to have a second child to use it, and every time I asked for his outgrown clothes that I left in her house, or asked her to pass it on to charity or give to someone she would never do it, instead she puts it on my child even though he clearly grown out of it

This makes perfect sense to me now OP. My grandmother is the same after a childhood where she went cold and hungry a lot. It's called reverse snobbery and is actually a trauma response in my opinion. I felt anxious to tell her I'd bought a new sofa instead of getting one second hand, it's like admitting to committing a crime.

If I was you I would just insist on shoes and clothes that fit properly and try to be understanding of her wanting to re-use other things sometimes. Rather than having a planned conversation just be honest next time you pick him up and he's in a jumper that's too small. And maybe drop into the conversation one day how fast his feet grow but how important you think it is that children have the right size shoes. And remember in a few years you won't have this problem anymore as your son will be able to get himself dressed.

OopsUpsideYerEad · 04/10/2022 10:45

victoriacrosshairs · 03/10/2022 20:45

Is he going to catch the gay?

😂

WifeMotherWorker · 04/10/2022 10:49

I often tell my children (now late teens) that I am happy for them to love who they want and will support their sexuality choices, however when they were small I would want my children dressed in the clothes I have provided end of story. It’s not a case of being scared they’ll end up gay as some posters have suggested it’s about control and respect.
Your MIL seems to be either completely bonkers or deliberately provocative to cause a reaction and unnecessary drama.
Requesting your little 2 year old boy be dressed in his clothes is not remotely unreasonable.

Youdoyoutoday · 04/10/2022 11:19

I agree with you OP.
I'm not so bothered by the floral clothes on a boy but the fact your MIL is dressing him in clothes and shoes that are too small for him is a massive issue, especially the shoes!! And the giggling with glee when he is mistaken for a girl is just plain weird.
You need to sort this out by either talking to your MIL or finding alternative childcare.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/10/2022 11:23

@ScrollingLeaves what a barrage of text - & what do you think it proves?
That this thread is real?

MyneighbourisTotoro · 04/10/2022 11:24

My son wore some of his sisters clothes but I think wearing a pair of dungarees is very different to purposely popping him in a pair of tights and a skirt.
Obviously it doesn’t really make any difference BUT it is very odd that MIL isn’t using the clothes you pack for him and purposely using clothes too small/inappropriate for the weather. That’s the main issue here, I’d personally find alternative care arrangements and if MIL asks I’d be honest and explain she isn’t respecting your wishes around dressing your son.

MarshaMelrose · 04/10/2022 11:27

northstars · 03/10/2022 20:54

My son used to wear his older sister’s handed down clothes, including a flowery jumper and a onesie with butterflies on. They’re just clothes, who cares? Calling it “humiliating” is an extreme reaction.

Would you think it’s “humiliating” if you had a daughter dressed in ‘boys’ clothes too, or is it just boys in girls’ clothes that you find humiliating? and why do you think that is?

You used to dress your son in his sister's skirts and dresses?

MyneighbourisTotoro · 04/10/2022 11:32

Mamanyt · 04/10/2022 01:06

"Gay" is not "caught," nor is it learned. That said, your MIL should respect your wishes, and dress him in the clothes that you have sent.

A grown adult said my 2 year old boy would turn out gay if I kept letting him kiss his male family members goodbye, I was gobsmacked! I did reply that you can’t turn gay and I wouldn’t care either way!

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 11:44

Its really really weird. I thought you were going to say he had on a pink jumper or some jeans with a butterfly on or something, but she is putting him clothes that she has chosen which are very very much for girls. And doing this when you have provided his own clothes and lots of them.
And then taking him out like it and people think he is a girl, which she finds pleasing.

She seems quite unstable.

This is absolutely not to do with the fact that boys can wear girls clothes and vice versa and all that, its about a person, who is not his parent, dressing a little boy in skirts and tights every time he visits.

I'd be worried at when she will actually stop doing this. It sounds like she wants him to be a girl. As he gets older, this could be very damaging for him. Not from the clothes aspect but from him picking up his grandmother is dissapointed in him because he is a boy.

She needs to be told. Tears or not. however, if she agreed to stop doing it, would she just do it anyway when you are not there and change him back into his clothes when you come to pick him up.

Its not normal behaviour at all. I'd stop him going there without for a while until hopefully she is over this oddness around him.

Snowberry3 · 04/10/2022 11:48

Dodd

AlwaysLatte · 04/10/2022 11:50

I would be annoyed about the shoes as they need to fit well for healthy feet. But girls clothes on a boy, I don't understand the problem?

GloriousGlory · 04/10/2022 11:55

ScrollingLeaves · 04/10/2022 09:59

KettrickenSmiled · Today 09:33
Playing outside in a girl's raincoat doesn't cause fever OP.

As to the rest of your goady nonsense ... just piss off.

What do you mean, goady. The OP has a difficult, manipulative, possibly disturbed mother-in-law who uses OP’s two year old son to fulfil some longings of her own. OP wanted support.

As for OP thinking getting wet and cold can cause someone to catch a bad cold, that is hardly unusual - that’s what everyone used to think.

in fact there does seem to be some evidence that getting very cold may make it easier for a virus that may have been present, but not having much effect, to take a greater hold.

from pub med
Abstract

It is commonly believed that exposure to low temperature increases susceptibility to viral infection in the human respiratory tract, but a molecular mechanism supporting this belief has yet to be discovered. In this study, we investigated the effect of low temperature on viral infection and innate defense in cell lines from the human respiratory tract and found that interferon-induced antiviral responses were impaired at low temperatures. Cells maintained at 25°C and 33°C expressed lower levels of myxovirus resistance protein 1 (MxA) and 2'5'-oligoadenylate synthetase 1 (OAS1) mRNAs when compared to cells maintained at 37°C after infection by seasonal influenza viruses. Exogenous β-interferon treatment reduced the viral replication at 37°C, but not at 25°C. Our results suggest that the impairment of interferon-induced antiviral responses by low temperature is one of several mechanisms that could explain an increase in host susceptibility to respiratory viruses after exposure to cold temperature.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28361289/?utm_source=research-news&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=research-news

If she has such a bad MIL, that she thinks she's disturbed then she is failing as a mother leaving her child there? They should be making alternative arrangements?

www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/top-10-questions-cold

Section nine disputes your theory.

C152 · 04/10/2022 12:03

At the end of the day OP, there's no point wondering why your MIL behaves like this. The only solution is to stop your DS staying with your MIL overnight. If you don't want to do this, the current situation will continue. There is no way to resolve it - you've tried and failed and your DH can't be bothered getting into an argument with his mother about it. Some things we just have to accept as they are and then choose how we react to them. You can either let your child stay overnight in the full knowledge your MIL will continue to dress him in unsuitable clothing, or you can stop the overnight visits.

Bbq1 · 04/10/2022 12:05

properdoughnut · 03/10/2022 20:51

If you don't like it then stop asking her to look after him. He's just playing dress up.

It's not his choice, he's not "playing dress up", it's the strange mil's choice.
He's not comfortable as he's wearing clothes 2 sizes too small.

Op, I'm with you. I would not have tolerated this when my ds was small. What type of grandmother does this. Ignore all the comments like as long as he's dressed etc etc and just tell her straight. Next time he goes to her and doesn't come home in his own clothes, finish visits.

Moonlightdust · 04/10/2022 12:35

People are so quick to jump on the anti stereotype gender bandwagon, this is not what this is about. The grandmother is clearly trying to assert her control in this situation. She is not his parent to decide what he wears and being pleased that people think her 2 year old grandson is a girl is just plain weird.

Original poster

Aleeson · 04/10/2022 12:44

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 11:44

Its really really weird. I thought you were going to say he had on a pink jumper or some jeans with a butterfly on or something, but she is putting him clothes that she has chosen which are very very much for girls. And doing this when you have provided his own clothes and lots of them.
And then taking him out like it and people think he is a girl, which she finds pleasing.

She seems quite unstable.

This is absolutely not to do with the fact that boys can wear girls clothes and vice versa and all that, its about a person, who is not his parent, dressing a little boy in skirts and tights every time he visits.

I'd be worried at when she will actually stop doing this. It sounds like she wants him to be a girl. As he gets older, this could be very damaging for him. Not from the clothes aspect but from him picking up his grandmother is dissapointed in him because he is a boy.

She needs to be told. Tears or not. however, if she agreed to stop doing it, would she just do it anyway when you are not there and change him back into his clothes when you come to pick him up.

Its not normal behaviour at all. I'd stop him going there without for a while until hopefully she is over this oddness around him.

Yes, thank you! This is the whole point
see, if it was occasional pink jumper or something sparkly, it would be a different story, but knowing she was disappointed in him being a boy in the first place and now dressing him up in skirts and tights and getting excited that people do call him a girl… that does not sit right with me!
My partner seems to agree it is a bit odd, even his brother said it is just plain weird that she does it.
I offered many times to take him to see her when we all can be present and whenever needed my mum can have him for a sleepover, but again it’s all the bloody tears that he doesn’t want to go through with his mother again :/ it certainly does a big damage even to our relationship as for last 6 months I was trying to suggest we are better off finding a live in nanny as it would be even more comfortable for our son as he’d be in our house, but he is afraid it’s going to cause a lot of arguments with his mum
oh it is a mess of a situation, somedays I feel like it would be better to relocate at this point :D

OP posts:

Ffsmakeitstop · 04/10/2022 12:49

I'm surprised ops DH is not a bit upset at the fact his mother always wanted a girl as if him and his brother are not enough.
Too many pp obsessing over the gay comment. That's obviously not what op meant and you all know it.
Tell her straight op and if she cries so what. Her feelings are no more important than yours. As for threatening to kill herself how manipulative. I would suggest she gets medical help.

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2022 12:52

Id tell her either she dresses him in the clothes provided are he doesnt stay

shipwreckedonhighseas · 04/10/2022 12:53

She's being very weird and she should of course be dressing him in the clothes she's been provided with. You're not at all odd to expect this.

latetothefisting · 04/10/2022 12:55

Moonlightdust · 04/10/2022 12:35

People are so quick to jump on the anti stereotype gender bandwagon, this is not what this is about. The grandmother is clearly trying to assert her control in this situation. She is not his parent to decide what he wears and being pleased that people think her 2 year old grandson is a girl is just plain weird.

This! The first few posters are so eager to prove their wokeness they are ignoring the fact this is very weird behaviour! Putting a pink unicorn t shirt she had to hand on him because his tractor one got dirty - completely fine. Letting him dress up as a princess if HE WANTS TO - fine.

Deliberately finding girls skirts and tights and dressing him in that when he has lots of his own, well fitting and appropriate for the weather clothes with him - fucking odd and creepy!