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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
ReadingFestival2022 · 03/10/2022 14:11

Absolutely not. If he's not a stable constant in her life right now, he would not be taking her away for that length of time without me.
Explain to him that he needs to build up his relationship first before even considering taking her away for a short time (let alone 2 weeks!)

bewarethetides · 03/10/2022 14:12

Nope. Too young and a few hours once a week isn't enough to be considering this.

RFPO77 · 03/10/2022 14:13

Errrr no, just no! You'd be crazy to let your DD go with him.

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 14:14

No way. The needs of the baby come first and she would be devastated. Age one is peak separation anxiety. To make this request shows he knows nothing about babies making it even more essential she not go.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 14:15

Apply for her passport and lock it away.

CuntyMcBollocks · 03/10/2022 14:15

No fucking way would I let that happen. Seeing her for a couple of hours a week means he is practically a stranger to her and I think a year old is far too young to be taken away from the main care-giver for a couple of days, let alone 2 weeks! Would he even know how to look after her properly? What if he doesn't intend to bring her back? Stand your ground.

Vegetablesupreme · 03/10/2022 14:15

No way would I allow this. She's far to young and he doesn't have a strong enough relationship with her yet. Ignore what he says and stick to your guns.

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 14:15

Also - what if rhere was a covid lockdown and you were in different countries 😭 this has happened to many parents

Bizzyone · 03/10/2022 14:16

If they've never even had a full 24hrs together and he doesn't do regular overnights or full weekends then no... too traumatic for baby (and probably him too lets be honest hes gunna have a shock taking a 1yr old who isnt that bonded to him on a 10hr flight!)

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 03/10/2022 14:17

God, no.

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:17

Not a chance. It sounds like he doesn't know her well enough for that just yet. He needs to build up by having her for overnight stays, weekends etc first, IMO.

DragonMovie · 03/10/2022 14:19

What everyone else said. How traumatic for your child. If he had the remotest understanding of her world he wouldn’t even be suggesting this.

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:19

Also, why Jamaica? He doesn't have family there or anything does he? I don't mean to sound dramatic but it sounds like an odd place to take a baby who you haven't made an effort to get to know.

Original poster
dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:19

He is originally from Jamaica, so has family over there that he wants her to meet.

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 03/10/2022 14:20

No way would I let him take her. I think it's far too young to be separated from their main carer even if the other parent lives with them, but someone only sees them (at most) for a few hours, once a week & never relies on them for care... no way!!

he can be as pissed off as he likes! It's not about him getting to show her off as 'his daughter' when he barely had contact with her.

Cupofteaonesugar · 03/10/2022 14:21

Absolutely not.
You're Hv will back you up on this. This would be very distressing for the child and you would be so far away.
Do not back down!
Ring your HV and get your concerns recorded!

YorkshireIndie · 03/10/2022 14:21

Could you as a compromise go to Jamaica and stay local and then he could take LO to meet with his family.

I agree with everyone else it is too long for LO to be away from you and with someone who is virtually a stranger

Sistanotcista · 03/10/2022 14:22

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 14:15

Apply for her passport and lock it away.

Exactly this.

There are red flags all over this request.

AuntieStella · 03/10/2022 14:23

No. He needs to build up to this. The odd sleepover, then a weekend with him, building up to EOW and one or two nights a week.

Then when that's established, then UK holidays starting with not more than a week, and when happy with that, yiu can start thinking about longer

Tootels · 03/10/2022 14:24

Oh my god I wouldn't want my 10 or 12 year old away from me for that long but if they wanted to go I guess I'd have no choice.

KoalaCape · 03/10/2022 14:25

I think you are completely reasonable to refuse this. You could possibly appease him by suggesting he revisits the idea when DC is older and can both enjoy and remember their visit.

I'd suggest he's completely underestimated how much work a child is full time, let alone on a long flight, with change to routine, people they don't know etc. The man is a fool to think he could manage that when it doesn't sound like he cares for her for periods of time as it is! 😳

Another option is he pays for you to go as well (flights and accommodation, you pay for food and activities) then that way it suits you both. Baby gets to visit family, you both get a bit of a break and you know she isn't far from you so you're reassured of his intentions. Obviously this is putting him out a lot financially and also relies on you both to be amicable.

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:25

Knowing he has family ties there, I'd be concerned that he wouldn't bring her back.

BatshitBanshee · 03/10/2022 14:26

Absolutely no fucking way. Agree with a previous poster re:passport. Apply for it then put it where it can't be found by anyone other than you.

Always4Brenner · 03/10/2022 14:27

Not a chance way too young also would he bring her back.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 03/10/2022 14:27

Another no. She isn't a shiny new toy to show off. He doesn't want to take her for her benefit or the benefit of their relationship, just to show her off. Do you have formal contact arrangements in place? If not I think it sounds like this would be a priority.