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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
PurplRainDancer · 03/10/2022 16:10

Not in a million years.

Lavenderflower · 03/10/2022 16:17

I think it is a bit of leap suggest that he wants to kidnap her.

I think the dad has unrealistic and unreasonable expectation that is fine to 1 year old to travel without their primary giver - this could potentially be traumatic and could cause attachment issues. It may not quite understand that very young children find it traumatic to be be separated from their primary caregiver at that age. Perhaps send him some link regarding healthy attachment e.g. bowlby

I think it a good sign he wants her to meet his family, however, you would need to accompany him or his family can come here.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 16:17

Absolutely no chance!!!!

Thurst · 03/10/2022 16:21

A thousand times no!
Most likely he wants to play the amazing Dad and show off to family etc. but it’s not worth the risk that he decides to keep her out there. He clearly doesn’t have her best interests at heart.

badbaduncle · 03/10/2022 16:22

Jamaica is a beautiful country and so friendly to children, they are welcomed everywhere. It would be lovely for your DD to meet her fathers family. There is no way I would EVER let him take her thou. He should be offering top pay for her ticket and yours so you BOTH go and he can then show her off. Even if he isn't planning staying I bet he'd palm her off on his mother/sister/aunties and go out wit his mates all the time! No way

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 16:24

Apply for her passport and lock it away

Erm, what? Don't apply for her passport!

Absolutely do not agree to this. She doesn't even know him. She needs you.

Tigerbus · 03/10/2022 16:26

That's a terrible way to treat a baby, if he wants to bring photographs of his daughter to show off, leave him to do that.
Babies need their main care giver; you. Babies cannot tell the time and being separated for more than a few hours at a time is so unbelievably damaging to their brain development causing possible life-long trust issues and depression.
You do not know your daughter's extended family on his side. You do not know how they are around babies and children and may expect your baby to be shut in a room for twelve hours or more and sleep without touch/interaction/reassurance from another person.
Suggest if he wants to take her abroad he does one of three things:
One - waits until she's started school and can reasonably advocate for herself by saying when she's scared/needs the toilet/wants to call her mum etc.
Two - pays for you to take your daughter to Jamaica, after his extended family have visited you and your daughter here in the UK.
Three - takes you to court.

ShamedBySiri · 03/10/2022 16:27

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 14:15

Apply for her passport and lock it away.

Good advice.

NotJustAnybody · 03/10/2022 16:34

I also agree on the passport. If you apply, he can't.
Even if he has the best intentions, it's too far and too long to be away from you. He doesn't even have a proper relationship with her. I imagine it would be fairly traumatic for any young child, to be away from Mum and in the company of strangers - hell no! It would be my hill to die on.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 03/10/2022 16:35

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 16:24

Apply for her passport and lock it away

Erm, what? Don't apply for her passport!

Absolutely do not agree to this. She doesn't even know him. She needs you.

It's so he can't apply for a passport for her without OP's knowledge

billy1966 · 03/10/2022 16:38

Not a chance.

She isn't a toy for him to flaunt when he feels like it.

I suggest you keep a not of EXACTLY how frequently he sees her and for how long.

gogohmm · 03/10/2022 16:40

I think it is reasonable for him to want to take her but he needs to build up to it starting with an overnight here in the U.K.

Is it that he doesn't have suitable accommodation for her to stay over? Or is he simply not wanting to here?

Perhaps a compromise is a shorter period and you go on holiday there at the same time (could his family have you to stay, perhaps a different family member?

Her grandparents wanting to see their grandchild is completely understandable, perhaps in a few months he could build up his relationship to the point you trust him, and you get some deserved time to yourself

HeythereDelilah101 · 03/10/2022 16:41

I would be horrified at the thought. However if he’s on the birth certificate you wouldn’t be able to stop him technically. Be careful.

WeeOrcadian · 03/10/2022 16:54

Absolutely fucking NOT.

Apply for her passport and keep it safe, somewhere he can't possibly get to it.

If he was so bothered, he'd 1. Spend some actual time with his child and 2. Consider you going too

It sounds like he's barely changed a Nappy, how will he manage for 2 weeks?

mathanxiety · 03/10/2022 17:04

YYY to getting her passport before your ex gets one for her.

He may well already have secured a Jamaican passport for her.

Don't rely on the Hague Convention. The wheels of investigation and recovery grind very slowly. It is easy to hide a baby.

catandcoffee · 03/10/2022 17:07

I wouldn't even take a 1 year old on a long flight like that.

He's being silly she's far too young to appreciate it.

Surely he can facetime them and send videos.

He needs to wait until she's much older.
He also needs to work on his Father duties.

isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 17:07

Can you get a child's passport without the fathers consent (if he is in the birth certificate).

Genuine question as we can't here in my country.

mathanxiety · 03/10/2022 17:07

And you need to take the steps in the links a PP posted about abduction abroad.

If there is no court ordered visitation, I would stop allowing him to see the baby. Let him go to court for access.

Make sure you document his refusal to let you take the baby to Jamaica to see the relatives. So many red flags there.

thejadefish · 03/10/2022 17:28

YANBU. In that situation I wouldn't let him take her away for a weekend in the same country as me never mind 2 weeks abroad! He's the one being unreasonable (& selfish). I would also be concerned that he wouldn't bring her back. Absolutely not. Frankly I find it weird that someone who rarely sees their daughter and hasn't even done an overnight stay wants to take her abroad for 2 weeks hence I'd be worried that he wouldn't return her, besides of which how well would she be cared for during that time you have no way of knowing plus as others have said it would be very traumatic for her. If he wants to introduce her to family er Facetime (or some such), hello?! Or send photographs if they don't have access/electronics. It's ridiculous of him to have suggested it. He's clearly clueless as to what childcare involves and careless as to the impact on her.

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 17:28

isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 17:07

Can you get a child's passport without the fathers consent (if he is in the birth certificate).

Genuine question as we can't here in my country.

Yes.

And so can he.

Which is the issue and why all these posters are advising the OP to get one.

kateandme · 03/10/2022 18:02

His family want her.they are arranging this.she is theirs.do not let this happen.

if he doesn’t want her for more than a few hours a week why does he want her for two?that makes no sense.

why does he want his family to meet her if he doesn’t know her himself?

I wouldn’t allow a child of any age to go away with a person they see a few hours a week!

don’t do this.don’t let him make you feel bad.
And until you can trust he’s doing this for reasonable reasons id not let him put conditions to it.so if he says he will increase seeing her for so long can he take her then? Just say no.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2022 18:05

Absolutely no way. I agree it would be devastating for her. He can build a relationship with her here in the UK by visiting regularly and reliably.

I agree with those saying apply for her passport now yourself and lock it away. It means he won’t be able to get another one.

I also would be concerned that he won’t bring her back. He could easily be planning to leave her with his family there.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 18:13

he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that

He DOES NOT have a relationship with your daughter!

Sunnytwobridges · 03/10/2022 18:48

Hell no, and I'm not the over protective type. If he'd been a doting father who spends lots of time with her, including having her overnight for multiple nights MAYBE but at that age I still don't think I would. He sounds unreliable.

JoJo2306 · 04/10/2022 06:59

No way!
I live with my husband and daughter (10) and there’s no way I’d let him take her for two weeks without me. I’d miss her too much.

also as others have suggested get a passport ordered and hide it