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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 11:04

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 10:53

@Doubtmyself, @inigomontoyahwillcox was saying that the other poster talking about fgm was being daft and that it was not a possibility, they weren’t the one suggesting it was

I know @Blueeyedgirl21 ..I was agreeing with @inigomontoyahwillcox

The Quoted part is cropped so one cannot see the whole convo...

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 11:05

Sorry - @Doubtmyself I see now. I think most people have just responded to the immediate issue, but maybe there is an unconscious bias in some, I am probably not best placed to see that.

Ultimately I think we're in agreement - take baby to Jamaca without mum = no, ensuring that baby grows up with exposure and involvement in both heritages = yes.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2022 11:06

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 10:31

As a black person of Jamaican heritage , some of the remarks on this thread are fucking ridiculous.

The dad is an asshole for expecting his ex to agree with this, but I could understand why he's asking, she should say no, but painting him as a child abducter, I mean for fucks sake....get a grip.

Show quote history

Of course and tbf to the OP she did offer to travel there with their daughter and stay local so their DD could see and spend time with the relatives but still have access her mother (who she hasn't spent much time away from by the sounds of it) So her ex is being unreasonable to say no to that if he wants his family to see his child.

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 11:07

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 11:05

Sorry - @Doubtmyself I see now. I think most people have just responded to the immediate issue, but maybe there is an unconscious bias in some, I am probably not best placed to see that.

Ultimately I think we're in agreement - take baby to Jamaca without mum = no, ensuring that baby grows up with exposure and involvement in both heritages = yes.

Ultimately I think we're in agreement - take baby to Jamaca without mum = no, ensuring that baby grows up with exposure and involvement in both heritages = yes.

100% agree !

Original poster
dreamland96 · 04/10/2022 11:59

Just to be clear, I am actually black myself with Jamaican heritage and have family there myself. I have no issue with her going over there meeting family, the issue is with her being separated from me for 2 weeks with a man she sees for a few hours a week.

OP posts:
Characterbuilding · 04/10/2022 12:04

dreamland96 · 04/10/2022 11:59

Just to be clear, I am actually black myself with Jamaican heritage and have family there myself. I have no issue with her going over there meeting family, the issue is with her being separated from me for 2 weeks with a man she sees for a few hours a week.

Stick to your guns. There is time for holidays later when she is older (and he gets his act together). ❤️

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2022 12:04

You going was a reasonable compromise. He should now build up contact to the view of doing overnights, then two/three days.

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 12:25

dreamland96 · 04/10/2022 11:59

Just to be clear, I am actually black myself with Jamaican heritage and have family there myself. I have no issue with her going over there meeting family, the issue is with her being separated from me for 2 weeks with a man she sees for a few hours a week.

In my mind, your partner hasn't a leg to stand on then, if you're both from the same background and your baby has none of the cultural issues that mixed children have. He's just taking the piss.

I think even with the best intentions, a lot of men take a longer time to warm to their children, some men don't, but lots need nudging. The macho culture of some Jamacian heritage men doesn't help.

His problem seems to be he wants to run before he can walk, and probably expected his relatives to do all the caring for the baby while he showed baby off.

He needs reach a place where you as mum feel comfortable leaving him alone with her, and tell him exactly what you'd need to see before that happens. I'd give that advice if you were white, yellow or black. I think all women need to reach that comfort zone before they could let an ex take baby away, and for each mum that zone is different.

My brother first girlfriend had a baby with him, he was useless in the first few years, he was very inmature ( he was 21 ) he's a great dad now but it took his ex a long time to trust him to take their DC for the weekend ( I think the child was 5 by then).

Good luck OP.

Worthyornot · 04/10/2022 12:33

Agree with everyone else. She is far too young and unfamiliar with him for this to be an option. Let him be angry, this isn't about him it's about her best interests.

sue20 · 04/10/2022 14:34

YorkshireIndie · 03/10/2022 14:21

Could you as a compromise go to Jamaica and stay local and then he could take LO to meet with his family.

I agree with everyone else it is too long for LO to be away from you and with someone who is virtually a stranger

Or just say no? Hardly a compromise to find all that money for fares and cope with big trip.

sue20 · 04/10/2022 14:42

dreamland96 · 04/10/2022 11:59

Just to be clear, I am actually black myself with Jamaican heritage and have family there myself. I have no issue with her going over there meeting family, the issue is with her being separated from me for 2 weeks with a man she sees for a few hours a week.

I’m one of the people who mentioned abduction. I’m not black and live in UK. Abductions are more common than you might think. It happened to someone I knew in a similar culture to mine. Having said that I agree the main point is that the father sounds very out of touch with the realities of a child’s needs and his grown up responsibilities.

sue20 · 04/10/2022 14:45

Bizzyone · 03/10/2022 14:16

If they've never even had a full 24hrs together and he doesn't do regular overnights or full weekends then no... too traumatic for baby (and probably him too lets be honest hes gunna have a shock taking a 1yr old who isnt that bonded to him on a 10hr flight!)

Haha good point

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 15:15

To be fair the abduction scenario I referred to a friend working with the family it happened to (they are from Wythenshawe near where I’m from) is not a father from anywhere near Jamaica. They are North African. The kids are still missing. Looking at the Reunite charity website looks like it’s quite varied across the world where parental Kidnapping over international lines happens. According to Reunite it’s way more common than you might think. But I don’t have ties to Jamaica in particular, so like a PP said, who does have knowledge of that particular culture and ethos, taking the child there to ‘Hide’ them might be massively looked down on, whereas in other places it might be more encouraged? Who knows. There’s plenty of time for visiting family in the future for OP’s baby, I am sure. And like someone said above, a 10 hr flight with a one year old is not something most would enjoy !

DetoxWithChocs · 04/10/2022 15:21

Another vote for getting her passport and keeping it locked and hidden somewhere well away from him.

themonkeysnuts · 04/10/2022 15:57

Stick to your guns
as PP^^ suggested get a passport yourself and keep it safe
Visiting family with her is one thing (absent/uninvolved) father taking her alone
not on your nelly

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 04/10/2022 16:26

Is he Jamaican?? I'd be very wary he wouldn't bring her back!!

As someone else said get her a passport and keep it under lock and key and instruct a family law solicitor

Tdcp · 04/10/2022 16:29

Absolutely not! I wouldn't want my 8 year old in those circumstances let alone a 1 year old! My instant thoughts are that he won't bring her home. Stick to your guns.

FannyCann · 04/10/2022 17:13

I would entrust the passport to the family law solicitor for safe keeping.

LittleSid · 04/10/2022 17:28

DetoxWithChocs · 04/10/2022 15:21

Another vote for getting her passport and keeping it locked and hidden somewhere well away from him.

Absolutely this. Keep your little one safe. Best of luck. X

Pemba · 04/10/2022 18:33

Even if he has no intention to keep the baby in Jamaica this proposed holiday without you would still be traumatic for your daughter. She's a baby! She wouldn't understand where her mum had gone and after a short while will probably think she'll never see you again. Even for a verbal child it would be a problem, especially as she hardly knows her father.
That he has zero understanding of the child's needs is a massive red flag. I would get a lawyer if can afford one to protect you and your baby.

Pottedpalm · 04/10/2022 18:36

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:19

Also, why Jamaica? He doesn't have family there or anything does he? I don't mean to sound dramatic but it sounds like an odd place to take a baby who you haven't made an effort to get to know.

Ummm… maybe he is of Jamaican origin?

itsgettingweird · 04/10/2022 19:25

If you had a court order and care was split well and regularly and he paid what he should then absolutely I'd let my child go.

After all it's their parent.

I wouldn't want to for someone who didn't share care well because I'd be worried about meeting her needs.

Just remember though if you refuse for him to take her out of the country he may well do the same to you.

I think sorting proper contact would be the priority right now

ChrisTrepidation · 04/10/2022 19:28

She'd be going over my dead body, or more preferably his.

She is far too young to be away from you. I would say the same even if they had a great bond.

Plus I would be scared he wouldn't bring her back!

WalkthisWayUK · 04/10/2022 20:45

I don’t think culture is the issue, but the father is trying to use that as a lever and his family come before his child’s wellbeing. Which is not something to agree to.

My Ex tried this - he is from a different culture - and part of my reasoning not to is that not everything in culture is good and his family having ‘ownership’ of our child and their cultural ‘lack of care’ was not OK. My child’s needs first before any culture!

KateW73 · 05/10/2022 18:07

I'd be very wary that he'll try taking her without your permission. And then there's the possibility of him leaving her there with his family. As has already been suggested, apply for her passport and then make sure he can't access it.