Page 6 | To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

IAmSloth · 04/10/2022 07:02

thats a big no, If he really wants her to meet family then you say he’ll have to pay for you to go too, he obviously has no clue how stressful that would be for her without you. Seems very odd that he only sees her for a few hours now suddenly wants to take her for 2 weeks

JustAMinutePeople · 04/10/2022 07:09

Absolutely no way. 1 year old is a baby, this would be horrendous for both you and her. He can start having a relationship by seeing her more often at home.

kweeble · 04/10/2022 07:11

I’d get her a passport yourself (it stops him getting one without you knowing); don’t tell him and keep it locked away.

FivePotatoesHigh · 04/10/2022 07:12

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 16:24

Apply for her passport and lock it away

Erm, what? Don't apply for her passport!

Absolutely do not agree to this. She doesn't even know him. She needs you.

She needs to do it before the father does.

Unhingedness · 04/10/2022 07:12

YANBU! No way would I agree to this. If he’s only spending a few hours with her a week, how’s he going to understand her needs 24hrs a day for 2 weeks? Being separated from you for that amount of time and being surrounded by a bunch of strangers isn’t going to do her much good either. These are key developmental years for her and as her main caregiver there’s no way she should be away from you for that long. If he’s that desperate for her to meet family over there the only way is for him to pay for you to accompany him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/10/2022 07:15

I agreed to my XH taking our 18 month old to his country for 2 weeks and it was ok. HOWEVER we were married and crap dad as he was he was present in his life and they had a relationship, and I trusted him not to abduct him. Your situation is completely different. Either you go as well or she doesn't go. What a prick he is.

1HappyTraveller · 04/10/2022 07:25

Absolutely no f*cking way!

why does he want to take her away to another country when he cba spending time to see her at home? It’s odd.

i’d be concerned about him kidnapping her - not even joking!

OldWivesTale · 04/10/2022 07:32

No fucking way. She'll be traumatised. It sounds like she barely knows him. Stand your ground on this.

Darbs76 · 04/10/2022 07:33

No, he needs to build the relationship first. He has no idea how to care for her day to day

DisneyMillie · 04/10/2022 07:38

My 12 year old DD even gets homesick when she goes to stay abroad with her dad for 2 weeks and they have a good relationship.

I was ok with a week away from about age 4 but it was built up to with overnights, long weekends etc and I trusted him to bring her back.

In your situation, not a chance would I let him take her - if he really wants her to meet family he’d be ok with you going too.

Harry12345 · 04/10/2022 07:56

NO

Notwiththebullshizz · 04/10/2022 07:57

Firstly, it's a very firm no, secondly, have you thought that if he takes her to Jamaica, he isnt going to come back with her? That would be my 1st thought as over the top as it seems... so you've not had your daughter over night since birth and now all if a sudden you want her away for a week... Doesnt sit right with me... be very careful. Hope all works out well for you

Redkettle · 04/10/2022 08:03

Never in a million years

Whatthechicken · 04/10/2022 08:15

Not a chance, if he only spends a few hours with her per week, he’s going to get bored/fed up having to be there 24/7, and she’ll end up being left with relatives. If they want to see her - they could travel here, presumably they are adults that want to meet her. Very selfish to put a one year old through that for what the adults want.

MrsLavs · 04/10/2022 08:18

Absolutely not.

If his family are desperate to meet her, why don't they come visit her instead?
It's completely unreasonable of him to expect you to allow this.

In your position I'd apply for her passport, keep it safe and seek out some legal advice if he tries to pursue the issue.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/10/2022 08:18

I wouldn't even consider this for one second. It's a hard NO from me too.

WhiteFire · 04/10/2022 08:18

I don't know if this will be of any help OP. I know posters are talking about absolute worst case scenario here but forewarned is forearmed as they say.

www.reunite.org/

Lalliella · 04/10/2022 08:21

The fact that he refused for you to go is extremely worrying. It’s likely he wouldn’t bring her back. Definitely apply for her passport immediately, then he can’t.

Teddybear27 · 04/10/2022 08:22

I totally agree with everyone on here. I don’t have children but there is NO WAY I would let my child go off with a man she hardly knows even if it is her dad. She is far too young for a huge trip like that! I also think that he will get fed up with her, particularly if she is crying a lot as she is away from her mummy who she loves and trusts, so he will leave her with family members. Also, he could be considering not giving her back. No! No! No!

christmasgeek · 04/10/2022 08:29

100% no way.

If it was a father (or mother) who had a very consistent relationship with their child , had regular overnights etc, potentially split time equally, I'd say consider it, but probably still only when they are older.

That's before thinking of any of the alarm bells that are ringing ever so loudly in this case....

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 08:34

OP are you white, and is the father black?

If this is the case, the child needs to find out about its heritage, as a mixed baby in the UK, the baby will be viewed as black, a whole side of its culture you wont be able to fill.

I suspect most posters answering here are white and have no knowledge of black culture.

Black men from Jamaica are instilled that babies are 'women business' its a hangover of the English colonial culture still present in the island that men are men, the hyper masculine ideal is far removed from modern Britain ideas about co-parenting.

As a black person, my dad was 'hands off' with babies, but as we got older was a full on Dad, a helicopter parent by today's standard and we're still very close, but he left my mum to it when we were under 2.

If MN posters slagging this guy off are being honest, how many of them know men who are around every day for a newborn with a ex-partner??

As for talk of running off with the baby, why the fuck would he do that? He's probably getting loads of flak from grandparents, aunties and uncles to see his 'picknie' . Those same relatives can't just up and leave Jamaica due to costs and frankly becuase contray to popular belief getting a visa to even visit the UK from the West Indies is very very hard as the stance of UK immigration is 'All Johnny Foreigners want to live here' and will never leave. So to me, its a normal request.

You may not like the situation, but if as I asked you are white and he's black, as a black person who was born and raised here, but whose family originate fgrom Jamaica, that's what's really happening here.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 04/10/2022 08:37

First and foremost you need an agreed parenting schedule in place and he needs to have overnights, then weekends, then Friday to Monday worked up over time (a year, year and a half). Then add in short holidays and closer to home for a year or two. It would be good for you to both formalise an agreement, you can do this easily and at little cost these days if you can both sit down and agree something. If not going to mediation might not be bad so that someone independent can advise him what he can/can’t expect in building this relationship and taking her so far for so long.

Whilst the courts recognise fathers more and more these days and whilst a child benefits from a relationship with both parents (where they are committed and responsible parents) they won’t let him take her for 2 weeks at 1 with no prior firm relationship as proof of his parenting abilities.

However, if I can give you anything from our experience it would be to encourage him to do what I have outlined in the first paragraph if you can (because he steps up and wants these things too and proves he can care for her) as it will have less of an effect on the child over time than trying to introduce these things later in her life. I know it’s hard as a mother due to your connection with the child, but please don’t ever see her as a possession and stunt her ability to grow as she becomes older by not having experiences with all facets of her families where it is safe for her to do so.

sue20 · 04/10/2022 08:37

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

He could spend 2 weeks with her in UK and that way get to know her better and age 1 she will get a limited experience of different country. Sounds as though it’s all about showing her off at best abduction at worst does he have family over there?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 08:39

Can you go and get her a fast track passport like this week? Maybe your mum could pay? And don’t tell him she has one.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 08:42

@Doubtmyself defend him all you want but my 3 kids my friend taught are being hidden in Morocco right now by their dad and the grief and anguish the mum is going through is awful, also taken over there by an absent dad who claimed they needed to get to know their heritage etc and now they’re being hidden, essentially kidnapped

seeing your own baby once a month is pathetic blame it on colonialism or whatever but taking a baby you see occasionally away from its mum for two weeks is cruel nothing else full stop