Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 03/10/2022 14:28

No way. She's too young and I'd be worried he wouldn't bring her back. Make sure he doesn't get his hands on a passport for her.

greenteafiend · 03/10/2022 14:28

If there is any possibility that your ex could be a flight risk, read this and take steps.
www.ibblaw.co.uk/insights/steps-to-prevent-your-child-being-taken-out-of-the-country-port-alert-orders
www.gov.uk/guidance/international-parental-child-abduction

RedHelenB · 03/10/2022 14:29

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:19

He is originally from Jamaica, so has family over there that he wants her to meet.

Could you go too?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2022 14:31

Jamaica is now part of The Hague convention and fully in force since earlier this year but it would be an expensive, long and difficult fight to get her back if he decided to stay over there with her. He’s never even looked after her by the sound of it so I’d be questioning his motivation.

Cw112 · 03/10/2022 14:31

No way would I be cool with this even if they were in super regular contact and he was very involved which it doesn't sound like he is. That's something that he needs to work up to as other posters have said unless you were to go as well. Even the practicalities of having a small baby on a long haul flight with one parent sounds like something he hasn't considered. Are you on good terms with him? Enough that you could maybe also go too? Or tell him you'd be willing if you were to attend but you'd rather she was older which would also give you time to save for it?

Phos · 03/10/2022 14:31

OMG no way. I'm not even happy about my husband (still together) and his parents planning to take my.5 year old to their home country for 2 weeks without me (though there are some extenuating factors there) and this request has all kind of red flags for me. There's no way someone who "pops in" for a bit weekly has enough of a bond or experience taking care of the baby to be able to do such a trip.

ImherewithBoudica · 03/10/2022 14:32

No way. Jamaican family can be welcome to come to the UK and see the child here, but unless he did 50/50 care at this age I wouldn't consider it. In absolutely no way in the child's best interests. God knows it's hard enough travelling that distance for that length of time with a child that young when you're the child's resident parent!

When she's a lot older. If by that point he has sufficient a relationship with her that she'd feel safe to be away from you abroad for that length of time. And seeing how worried kids of 9-11 get about a three day residential less than 100 miles away with their familiar school staff and parents able to come get them immediately if needed, he could find she's not at that point willing to agree.

LetMeSpeak · 03/10/2022 14:33

my ex did the exact same thing with my DS at the start. Would take him out once a week for a few hours then send him back to me. Until I told him enough!

I really do you have been getting child maintenance. If he can’t look after the child here then how can he look after the child in Jamaica. Tell him that he needs to be doing much more when looking after your DD. If in a few years you eventually feel more comfortable. Tell him that he can go with her but make sure he has one of his family go with with them as well.

Post edited by MNHQ

Cw112 · 03/10/2022 14:33

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2022 14:31

Jamaica is now part of The Hague convention and fully in force since earlier this year but it would be an expensive, long and difficult fight to get her back if he decided to stay over there with her. He’s never even looked after her by the sound of it so I’d be questioning his motivation.

This also crossed my mind. It really depends on your relationship but I'd be worried about her being kept there. If you think there's even the smallest risk of that happening then stick to your guns and say no. I'd also consider legal advice at that point if it's something you think could happen.

LetMeSpeak · 03/10/2022 14:35

I think implying he’s trying to keep and make her dd permanently stay in Jamaica is a tad but too far.

mumofbe · 03/10/2022 14:36

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:25

Knowing he has family ties there, I'd be concerned that he wouldn't bring her back.

This. I know of this happening and it is a nightmare.

Red flag.

Either you go with her (at his expense) or it's a firm no.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/10/2022 14:36

Absolutely not! He clearly hasn’t enough of a parenting relationship with her to take her away that long.

I also echo others concerns about him
potentially refusing to return her. That would be awful.

Does he have Parental responsibility for her?

someone I know, whose partner was wanting to take their child abroad, called the passport office and found that the other parent had been trying to get a replacement passport for the child.

I’d be very wary of this situation

mumofbe · 03/10/2022 14:40

LetMeSpeak · 03/10/2022 14:35

I think implying he’s trying to keep and make her dd permanently stay in Jamaica is a tad but too far.

It happens more frequently than you might expect. Sounds far fetched until it happens to you.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 14:42

The poor child would be traumatised, sounds like she barely even knows him

ehb102 · 03/10/2022 14:43

No WAY! Keep your baby with you.

Another man thinking a child is a toy.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/10/2022 14:43

No way!!! She's still a baby and needs her Mummy! I wouldn't let anyone take my baby abroad without me, even if he did see her often and had a good bond with her. I know it's her Dad but i don't care, i still wouldn't agree to it.

CoastalWave · 03/10/2022 14:45

Christ NO. You'd be mad to even consider it.

Sounds like he wants to take her and not bring her back. NO NO NO.

She'll be terrified.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 03/10/2022 14:45

Also get a passport, hide it away and don't let him know you have it. Just be careful, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Comedycook · 03/10/2022 14:46

No I would not allow this. Does she have a passport? I'd be keeping it under lock and key. If she doesn't I'd apply for one and keep it under lock and key. Does he have a copy of the birth certificate?

diddl · 03/10/2022 14:47

Nope!

What would she get out of it at such a young age?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/10/2022 14:50

mumofbe · 03/10/2022 14:40

It happens more frequently than you might expect. Sounds far fetched until it happens to you.

Show quote history

It is one of those things where the risk is low but the implications are ridiculously high.

I haven’t crashed my car in 20 years but I still make the kids wear seatbelts in the car. My house has never had a fire but I still check the batteries in my smoke alarm regularly.

Original poster
dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:52

My mum was also suggesting that he may take her there and not bring her back. I thought she was being dramatic at the time, but now I'm beginning to think that's what his intentions may be.

Thanks for all your replies, he was really making me feel like I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 03/10/2022 14:54

Nope. She's way too young and it sounds like he's never bothered to parent.

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 03/10/2022 14:56

No way. He has to build up contact time. He can't go from a 2 hour visit to a 2 week holiday. Its not in the best interest of your child. He needs to build up to overnight and the weekend contact first.

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 14:57

No.

I could not and would not be separated from my pre-school child for more than 24 hours.

No way would I let a flaky barely present Dad take her abroad. Or anywhere.

I doubt it is a plan to not return her, but the reasons for saying no are totally reasonable even without that possibility.

Swipe left for the next trending thread