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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 03/10/2022 15:20

Please do not agree. If he takes her and refuses to return her what happens? They might never come back.

Pushyoupullme · 03/10/2022 15:21

I did let one of mine go abroad to visit when their Dad was living abroad, several times, but only when older and we were very clearly established in a good co-parenting relationship and he had major ties here to work, property, etc. that were unlikely to be dumped in favour of staying out of the country. And certainly would not have allowed it if there was any realistic risk in my mind of them being taken to a different place or not coming back and also high hopes of being able to have them repatriated due to the right treaties being in force between the relevant countries. Although even then you can never quite tell 100% but I was at about 98.7% confident and always relieved when the child was back.

In addition I would have concerns due to her age and how well she knows her father at the moment. He can have a relationship with her here. Other relatives can visit her here or FaceTime her if not. I'm all for fathers having their rights but he is an entitled prat with no understanding of her welfare or the reasonableness of your point. Red flag.

I suggest you need a solicitor involved pronto who can advise you how best to proceed, you can get orders to supposedly prevent her being removed from the country, and they will give you the advice you need.

YADNBU

Novum · 03/10/2022 15:22

If he genuinely cared about your daughter he would understand how potentially distressing this would be for her. She's far too young to understand anything but the fact that her mother has suddenly disappeared and she's being taken away from familiar surroundings by a man she hardly knows to see a load of people she doesn't know at all, with a long journey, unfamiliar food and all the rest of it pushed into the mix.

Is he paying maintenance?

Thelnebriati · 03/10/2022 15:22

Try to get everything in writing in case you need it as evidence later. Keep a diary of events with dates and times, including any times he says he will visit and doesn't show.
He seems to be trying to make a case against you, so you need to put together a counter case from now on.

ReeDeeHee · 03/10/2022 15:23

YANBU.
Is she eligible for a Jamaican passport? Any chance he could get her one?

Retrorose · 03/10/2022 15:25

As PP have said get a pAssport for her and hide it. If he asks for docs such as birth certificate that means he’s planning on applying for her passport. Hopefully he’s just misguided and unaware of how much a 1 yo needs their primary carer but just in case it is more than that I’d be on my guard.

EmmiJay · 03/10/2022 15:25

You need to go with her and thats the bottom line. You have to let him know its this or nothing. It will be a shame if he says no outright because she and you would have an absolute ball out there and you'd come back a stone heavier from all the food. Hopefully he stops being hard headed!

WeyAyeMan · 03/10/2022 15:26

Not a chance

isthismylifenow · 03/10/2022 15:26

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 15:11

I suggested the same thing and he said no!

Show quote history

This would be the only way I would even consider it. She is just a baby, she hardly knows him and doesn't know any of his family.

Don't allow him to bully you into this. You have offered a compromise so it wasn't a complete no. He refused, so that is that.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2022 15:27

Castaspell · 03/10/2022 14:25

Knowing he has family ties there, I'd be concerned that he wouldn't bring her back.

This .
@dreamland96 No way should you allow this.
Far too risky.
Stay strong.

ILoveYoga · 03/10/2022 15:31

If he built of close to 50/50 shared custody where your daughter is used to him caring for her a few days and overnight each week, then of course, why not. Particularly as she is his daughter

however, if he’s not seeing her consistently and at least for a few over nights in succession, it would be far too traumatic to go so far away for such a period of time as 2 weeks straight.

ThreeblackCats · 03/10/2022 15:32

He spends a few hours a week with his child, so he’s spent about 100 ish hours with her, that’s 4 full days.
She barely knows him, I’m sure the local supermarket has staff that know your daughter better!
it seems he wants to be a Disney dad but has no clue how hard a grizzly 1 year old who’s out of routine, too hot and missing her mum can be!
Totally agree with pp, get your daughter a passport and don’t let the ex have it.

no way can he take her away until he has built a bond, a proper bond with her, a few hours sporadically doesn’t count.

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/10/2022 15:35

If his family are keen to see DC then they can do the travelling.

Jamaisy82 · 03/10/2022 15:35

If he saw her alot then you couldn't really say no as he is also the parent even though I'd hate my child to be away for 2 weeks as its a long time, but he hardly sees her so the answer would be no. He need to bond more with her and see her more often then small breaks away for a couple of days seem more appropriate rather than 2 weeks.

Stravaig · 03/10/2022 15:37

Agree with concerns of previous posters. Also, if he's only been spending a few hours a week with DD, he's unlikely to be the one looking after her during that fortnight away. He's almost certainly going to hand her over to female family members or a girlfriend. Two weeks with complete strangers for a 1 year old!

The passport is key. Get DD one, keep it safe, and flag the relevant authorities if you think ex will still try to leave the country with her.

QueenOfThorns · 03/10/2022 15:39

Dannexe · 03/10/2022 15:16

Apply for the passport now so that he can’t

👆This, with bells on. Do it, OP.

MotherWol · 03/10/2022 15:44

No. Get her passport and consider a prohibited steps order. She cannot leave the country without you.

Softplayhooray · 03/10/2022 15:45

This one million percent!!

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 15:47

Absolutely not!

He needs to be having her at least overnight on weekends on his own, before he has her for 2 weeks on his own.

Just because he’s biologically her parent, doesn’t mean he’s any good at it. And spending 2 weeks with a child you’ve never even had overnight is a complete no!

Stick to your guns and don’t let him bully you or make you feel bad.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 15:48

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 15:11

I suggested the same thing and he said no!

Show quote history

Well that was a very generous offer, one you had no obligation to make so he can fuck right off

Whammyyammy · 03/10/2022 15:49

Nope. Not a cats chance in hell. She's too young and doesn't have a relationship with her. That would be 2 weeks if stress for me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2022 15:49

If he saw her alot then you couldn’t really say no

A parent can still not be ok with this with such a young child.

Listen to your mum op. She’s an older woman and has seen more than you in life. As for staying nearby, I’d be looking into the rules of the country before I went with your dd even if he agreed to this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2022 15:50

And I agree about getting this in writing and having legal representation. Staying one step ahead of him could be very useful.

strawberry2017 · 03/10/2022 16:02

Not a chance, she barely knows him.
Plus once they are out of the country you couldn't keep track of them so if he decided to go elsewhere you wouldn't know.
Plus he hardly sounds like someone who is going to keep in touch with you whilst they are away.
I wouldn't take a chance. Like others say. Get her passport sorted and give him no paperwork so he can't do anything behind your back.

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 16:05

Well if you offered to go with them and he said no then that’s a huge red flag there he’s waving in your face sadly.