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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
XCTX · 03/10/2022 14:58

Absolutely fucking not.

What if he not-without-my-daughter's you?

Moveoverdarlin · 03/10/2022 14:59

Not. In. A. Million. Years.

CassandraBarrett · 03/10/2022 15:00

No way. Not in a million years. Be the same as leaving her with the guy that runs the corner shop for 2 weeks. She doesn't know him at all

TragicMuse · 03/10/2022 15:00

Anytime he pulls the 'unreasonable' cards I'd be tempted to say 'yes. I am.' That's all. He can't argue with you if you agree! And so what if you are? You don't have to smooth his feelings over your own or your child's.

But no. Don't let him take her. It's too soon.

ImherewithBoudica · 03/10/2022 15:01

What does he think her experience of this would be? Hours on a plane, strangers, all her routines lost? What does he plan to do with a terrified toddler screaming for mummy and wondering wtf is happening?

I agree it's important not to risk her not being returned. It's one of those situations worth taking the precautions rather than having to deal with months and battles and legal nightmares to try and undo once done. Particularly if he has his parents talking to him about how they'd love to raise their grandchild.

RosaBaby2 · 03/10/2022 15:02

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I'm the world least clingy parent ever and even I'd say no to that!!

DismantledKing · 03/10/2022 15:02

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:19

He is originally from Jamaica, so has family over there that he wants her to meet.

Tough shit for him.
it’s a terrible idea.

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 15:03

Fuck no for many reasons.
If you don’t have a passport for her, apply now so you have it in your possession.
If she was settled and did at least 3 nights in a row with him then fair enough. It your child will be ripped out of their home and you, nor warning or easing in and think you were dead/had abandoned them, so much trauma.
My compromise would be be pays for you to accompany her for the full 2 weeks if I didn’t think he would kidnap her.
That would totally be my worry.

But passport for her now so you have it.
Who cares what he thinks or says. Keep a dairy if all contact to show courts i the future how shit and sporadic it is.

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 15:03

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 03/10/2022 14:56

No way. He has to build up contact time. He can't go from a 2 hour visit to a 2 week holiday. Its not in the best interest of your child. He needs to build up to overnight and the weekend contact first.

Even then I wouldn't agree to 2 weeks abroad away from me.

Not til they were about 5.

TwocksAway · 03/10/2022 15:03

YorkshireIndie · 03/10/2022 14:21

Could you as a compromise go to Jamaica and stay local and then he could take LO to meet with his family.

I agree with everyone else it is too long for LO to be away from you and with someone who is virtually a stranger

I wouldn’t agree to that either, there have been cases where women have agreed to this and been unable to bring their own children home!

ImherewithBoudica · 03/10/2022 15:06

The diary is a good idea, but if he wants to take this to court he'll find that no judge would agree to this for a child this age based on so little active involvement in the child's life and day to day care.

Original poster
dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 15:11

YorkshireIndie · 03/10/2022 14:21

Could you as a compromise go to Jamaica and stay local and then he could take LO to meet with his family.

I agree with everyone else it is too long for LO to be away from you and with someone who is virtually a stranger

I suggested the same thing and he said no!

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 03/10/2022 15:12

Absolutely not. No way, not at that age, and no way with that level of contact with him usually. She'll be devastated to be away from you for that long, and he won't have a clue how to look after her properly.

If he wants to take her away then first, at the absolute minimum, he'd have to get used to having her overnight, and then extending it to 2, 3, 4 nights and then maybe up to a week in the school holidays, as she gets a bit older. And then, maybe you could think about letting her go away for 2 weeks.

Goldbar · 03/10/2022 15:13

No he needs to build up to any trip away with regular overnights and weekends. Even then, I probably wouldn't agree to 2 weeks away until she was a lot older.

I would also be worried that, as he's never had her for more than a few hours, he's grossly underestimating the work involved in being constant carer for such a small child and she might not be cared for properly.

Fundays12 · 03/10/2022 15:14

No way would I allow this. I wouldn't even want my DH to take our 10, 5 and 3 year old kids away for 2 weeks and I totally trust him but would miss them terribly.

Definitely get her passport, try get a block placed on him taking her out of the country and don't allow this.

Wheresthebeach · 03/10/2022 15:15

No no no....God knows what he's thinking of. He could just be a bit of an idiot who wants to show his daughter off like a doll, or he could be delivering her into his mothers loving arms and you've a fight to get her back.

Dannexe · 03/10/2022 15:16

Apply for the passport now so that he can’t

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 03/10/2022 15:16

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:19

He is originally from Jamaica, so has family over there that he wants her to meet.

He only sees her for an hour or so occasionally. How on earth would he cope with long flights? I would assume he’s expecting his mum/sister/granny/aunts to look after your baby for the two weeks.
Stand your ground, it’s a no. And if you can apply for her passport and hide it away.

greenteafiend · 03/10/2022 15:16

Does she have dual nationality? A Jamaican passport?
It is possible to contact the consulates of other countries to notify them that a child may be a flight risk.

LadyHarmby · 03/10/2022 15:17

Honestly, I would massively judge you if you allowed this!

BorgQueen · 03/10/2022 15:17

Give him a two word answer, up to you whether it’s the polite or non polite version.
The likely hood of him getting a passport for her is minimal but you never know so it would be wise to get her one yourself.

Novum · 03/10/2022 15:17

accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter

Point out that he's had a year to do that and maybe showing a definite commitment to seeing her and taking responsibility for her would be a good start.

Wheresthebeach · 03/10/2022 15:18

And ignore his accusations - if he wants a relationship he can start by coming over regularly at the agreed times. He's just throwing stuff around to try and wear you down.

Maytodecember · 03/10/2022 15:18

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 15:11

I suggested the same thing and he said no!

Show quote history

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Nothing to stop him staying and his family bringing up your dc.
Be very careful.

RobertsRadio · 03/10/2022 15:18

"He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter."

If he really wanted a relationship with his DD then he could have one in the U.K. couldn't he? No-one is stopping him visiting and spending more time with his DD in her own home, why is it necessary to transport his DD all the way to Jamaica in order to have a relationship with her? His argument is completely illogical and makes no sense. He also is completely ignoring his DD's well-being by wanting to separate her from her mother and primary caregiver for two weeks and staying with a man she hardly knows. If he really cared about his DD he would not be demanding this.

I wouldn't trust his motives and would never let him take her away without you unless he has put the effort into developing a real and consistent relationship with her and until she was much older like 21yrs old.

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