Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

Oh piss off. I paid for my sister and dn to go on a very expensive holiday with me - partly because she earns maybe 1/5 of what I do and is a single mother as her dp died, but also because (shockingly enough) I wanted their company! Believe it or not some of us genuinely love our siblings and want the best for them.

My parents are in no position to help any of us financially, but if they were I would have no issue whatsoever with it going to my sister - she needs it and I don't!

DD1 is behaving like a spoilt brat. She could of easily been in the same position as her sister but has been fortune enough not to be. If you want to pay for DD2 then do it :)

What is equal about the OP paying for DD2 and her child and then being expected to pay for DD1s whole family, 2 adults and 2 children? I can't see what is fair about that never mind the fact that DD1 has more money than her mother.

Well none of them are going on a holiday they all dreamed of so I guess that's fair.

Fortunate? People don't wake up as adults with a household income of £110k.

You can really spot the parents on here that clearly treat their children differently and are in a hurry rush to defend their poor parenting and decisions. Or have/are benefiting from such an arrangement.

Depending where you live and how many kids, £110,000 for a family is not necessarily huge. After tax etc and yes, typically it’s earned and worked for over years, not given to you.

DD2 only works part time too!
It must be galling for DD1 whilst mother bankrolls her and does all the childcare.

DD2 could afford holidays if she worked properly like everyone else

I have a sole income of more than that. I consider myself fortunate in that I am very academically able and very well suited to both the degree I did and the career I chose. I'm not saying I haven't worked hard at times but a lot of it was luck, yes.

My siblings (and indeed my husband) are all incredibly intelligent and talented but not academic - their talents lie in areas that pay a fraction of my chosen career. They work far harder than I do! And again, yes, that is largely luck!

Oh I missed DD2 only working part time. Gosh…

But the OP did give them money to help them buy their 2nd house so some things are given.

No it isn't

Yes part time!!
Clearly DD2 doesn’t need the money
I would be spitting feathers if I was DD1.

I agree with previous posters I don’t think it’s about the money necessarily. As someone with a lot of siblings it can be frustrating to watch my parents cater to the most ‘needy’ one over and over again. I know you probably don’t mean to leave DD1 out but I imagine that’s how she feels.

I imagine she’s not a horrid person but has come across so in this situation when it’s likely much more about the fact you obviously feel sorry for DD2 (understandably) and DD1 seems like she has a really good settled life (or at least a much better situation that DD1). For perspective in my situation I am aware of my sisters neediness/vulnerability but of course there are times I am just like WTF when my parents cater to her every need. I think it comes from just always sorting out my own crap whereas sibling doesn’t. I see both sides tbh, but I definitely think it’s about more than money. I think a sit down with DD1 is in order.

In my and my family's case, yes it is.

None of them could negotiate a multi million pound contract. But then I don't have an artistic bone in my body and nor could I mentor and counsel very troubled teens. It just happens that the talent I was born with makes more money than the talents they have.

Not saying that applies universally (although you seem to be saying that the opposite does...)

Im going to play devils advocate here OP. Do you give both of them as much of your time and care?

Im the "selfish" sibling you describe. My parents give so much of their time, love and worry to my sibling, it feels like they forget that money doesn't buy everything.

When I'm in a crisis, i need emergency childcare help as much as he does. When i'm off ill, i'd appreciate a caring phonecall. My job pays well but its also horribly stressful.

Its really hard to watch someone else's life choices be enabled, too (why doesn't your other daughter work full time?)? Remember your older daughter might have had some luck but a hell of a lot of her security is also wiser choices and plain old hard work.

She probably isn't jealous of the money, really. She probably just wants your time, your care and attention, to feel worried over & thought about like her sister is.

*For perspective in my situation I am aware of my sisters neediness/vulnerability but of course there are times I am just like WTF when my parents cater to her every need. I think it comes from just always sorting out my own crap whereas sibling doesn’t.

This this this

Sometimes working part time means income is greater because of benefits plus child care is easier to get on part time hours. It’s not that someone doesn’t want to work full time but they actually get less income and can’t live on it. Op talk to dd1, see what she says is the issue. You appear generous to both and if it’s purely £££ id be upset too. If it’s that she feels less valued then it’s a bigger conversation about support.. dd1 has a dh and in-laws as support as well as you op. Dd2 has just you,. Is that fair, luck or just different life situations? Because her life has worked out dd1 earns more, but you helped with her house, childcare , and you are doing the same for dd2. They need different things at different times,. To begrudge your sister a holiday because op can’t fund everyone is awful imo, so I hope it’s a misunderstanding

@ancientgran no, DD1 is asking for an equal amount, not the cost of her whole family.

Sometimes working part time means income is greater because of benefits plus child care is easier to get on part time hours. It’s not that someone doesn’t want to work full time but they actually get less income and can’t live on it.

I thought it was literally impossible to be worse off in work on universal credit.you can be not much better off relative to the amount you work but surely not worse off.

I am a sibling in this kind of scenario and no way would I be asking you to pay. I want to pay for my sister to do things she otherwise can’t afford but she gets offended when I offer so I’ve stopped now.

Could you say you’re going to lend the money instead but not make her pay you back?

@AloysiusBear there was another thread yesterday about how people can survive on lower salaries

The takeaway from that thread was that some people on UC were vastly better off than full time experienced teachers and other professionals....

It was quite eye opening!!

I know a pair of sisters who could be your daughters and it isn’t about money it’s about their mother’s refusal to celebrate or even acknowledge the achievements of one of them - guess which one? Both sisters had exactly the same upbringing and opportunities, one made careful & considered decisions, the other didn’t. One was abused by a step parent, the other wasn’t. - don’t make the obvious assumptions about which , because you’d be wrong. Now, one is seen as comfortably off and one is less well off. One has never had any help - financial, child care or otherwise - the other has had substantial gifts, wrap around child care (for more than one child, as she’s a single parent, with absent fathers) and is the golden child. The other DD no longer mentions anything about her work, her own family or anything she’s achieved or is happy about because she knows that their DM will immediately start talking about her (DDs) ‘poor’ sister’ who doesn’t have her ‘advantages’. Advantages she’s achieved against all the odds through sheer hard work and effort. This woman is my very dear friend, loyal considerate and kind. In her 40s she’s still desperate to maintain a relationship with a DM who has sidelined her since she was a child, it’s painful to se the effort she makes and the sadness she carries.

I thought it was literally impossible to be worse off in work on universal credit.you can be not much better off relative to the amount you work but surely not worse off

When my children were younger, I was working and had a friend who had children the same age as mine, she worked under 16 hrs and claimed benefits, I worked full time. We sat down once and worked out how much available cash, and she was considerably better off than I was. By the time I'd paid rent and childcare, commuting costs etc she had more disposable income than me.

She needs to get a grip she sounds greedy and entitled and your other daughter needs the support more

Financial support and emotional support are two different things. As pp have said this sound like it’s not about the money. Is it needy and entitled to ask a mother to love their children equally.