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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult sibling jealousy

345 replies

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:03

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

OP posts:
Volhhg · 03/10/2022 22:10

Dd1 sounds awful, I can't believe she's not offering to chip in a bit for her sister and niece. I wonder if dd2 suffers from low self esteem after spending a childhood with your dd1 who has a character like this

Volhhg · 03/10/2022 22:26

Beanie567 · 03/10/2022 18:22

Absolutely 100% agree it’s not about money, it’s about your love. You’re bestowing outward gestures of love constantly on dd1. What have you done to show dd2 you live her?

But she's posted several times all the things she has done for dd1 which are also generous and nice

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/10/2022 22:28

WoodlandPM · 03/10/2022 16:01

You know how the story will end though? OP will get old and frail. It'll be DD2 who cares for her in her old age. They'll be wishing DD1 was around to help with care and finances

But DD1 will have distanced herself and the grandchildren long ago.

So very sad but you read about it all the time 😔

Or the previously distanced DD1 will have to step up because she is the one who didn’t need help and got on with life on her own.

Ask me how I know this 😕

Jesus, I’m not even the oldest in my situation.

bloodyplanes · 03/10/2022 22:40

Op i have a family member that is like your DD1. Has done ok in life, is comfortable, yet is constantly on the look out for any perceived disparity in the way they are treated. If they believe they have been treated differently then they make everyone's life a misery about it. All it does is make everyone walk on eggshells around them and either not tell them things or lie to them. I don't honestly believe they have a clue how everyone else views them. I don't treat my dc all the same at the same time, sometimes one of they may need more help than the others. But I will always help any of them if I can.

Boomboom22 · 03/10/2022 22:49

Some people think everyone should have equal disposable income no matter what choices they make, thinking this is equity. It breeds laziness and entitlement as seen in dd2 working part time and dd1 being sneered at here for being successful. Making good choices should be rewarded. You can hardly argue class differences leading to different life chances with sisters!

coronafiona · 03/10/2022 22:58

You don't know what is going on in her marriage though. She may not be as happy and self sufficient as she appears.

WickedStepmomNOT · 03/10/2022 23:42

TooHotToTangoToo · 03/10/2022 17:52

@WickedStepmomNOT

No I didn't subsidise him. I didn't see why my family should go without things to prop my db up who had all the same opportunities as me.

Glad to hear it - well done you for avoiding that particular brand of guilt tripping.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/10/2022 00:02

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 19:36

You can really spot the parents on here that clearly treat their children differently and are in a hurry rush to defend their poor parenting and decisions. Or have/are benefiting from such an arrangement.

Yeah… that’s what I was thinking. If I see one more time “fair doesn’t mean equal” or that twee bullocks of the stupid kids on the boxes I think I’ll scream.

I’ll put it very clearly for everyone…

-Watching a sibling get more… money, attention, time, companionship, concern, etc. is really crappy.

-Being the responsible one is tiring
-No they don’t want to be taken care of but it gets grating to work hard, do the right things, and watch someone else waltz in and get a handout, extra help, extra attention
-No, that sibling isn’t generally tallying things up or keeping score
-At the same time they don’t want their face rubbed in the fact that their parents are offering less
-Generally speaking you (as the family) don’t know what the they are going through, or the problems they have or have gone through because they just get on with it and don’t expect anything
-It’s almost never about money but that is what will be the flash point.

And if we’re really honest none of the above will matter because all of it will be excused away and nothing will change.

My advice (that won’t ever be taken) to the OP and all of those who have adult kids, is to stop…let each stand on their own. It is the best thing for both of them.

Mamai90 · 04/10/2022 00:13

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:13

I actually agree with her.

If you can afford to pay for them both then do that , if you can't , then pay for your "poor" daughter but contribute in a different way to the "richer" daughter.

Really? How odd, that doesn't paint you in a good light.

If my sister was struggling I'd be happy for my parents to help her out.

Your DD1 is a CF and selfish to boot. And she sounds like she doesn't like her sister much. I love my sister and if she was struggling in any way I'd want to help her.

WickedStepmomNOT · 04/10/2022 00:15

My mother took 'fairness' to an unfair degree - I was living and working abroad, job transfer to the States, and visited after nearly a year away. Saw the family on arrival, DM, DB and DSis plus their partners and kids, had a good time with the family, talking about the kids and what everyone else was up to, all went well although there wasnt much time to tell them about what I was doing with the DGC there, and no one asked many questions. Arranged to have lunch with DM, thinking wed have a nice catch up just us two after all this time, next moment DB, DSis and kids rock up, and it was back to the usual talk about the kids school and activities and DB and DSis lives. DM thought it was only fair to ask them to lunch too...

Made me mad, I was only there for a week, and Id arranged the lunch and was paying! She just couldnt see she was being unfair to me. Same old same old, easier to ignore me than acknowledge Id worked hard and got a good job, made something of myself. Even before I got the transfer abroad I was left out, felt like a punishment for not giving her DGC. Made it easier to not visit, use my vacation time - much less in the States than here - to go to places without enduring family politics.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/10/2022 00:56

Mamai90 · 04/10/2022 00:13

Really? How odd, that doesn't paint you in a good light.

If my sister was struggling I'd be happy for my parents to help her out.

Your DD1 is a CF and selfish to boot. And she sounds like she doesn't like her sister much. I love my sister and if she was struggling in any way I'd want to help her.

Show quote history

Let me guess, this coming from a person who hasn’t taken the backseat to their sibling their entire life?

pollykitty · 04/10/2022 10:56

YANBU. Your children are grown and how you choose to spend your money helping them or not is your choice and not either daughter's business. This isn't kids' Christmas pressies where you must spend 100 quid on both to be 'equal', it's about how you choose to help other adults in your family. I have two brothers who both struggle financially, and I know my parents help them out a lot. I don't care. Sometimes they help us too or randomly give me cash or expensive gifts when I visit them. It's all their choice. Your DD1 is being a bit of a prat and she has no right to tell you how to spend your money. If she was kind, she might offer to help her sister out more, since it seems to be within her means.

Grrrrdarling · 04/10/2022 11:13

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:03

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

Your more affluent child is being very unreasonable!
What you do with your money is up-to you & you aren’t treating one sibling better that the other you are just helping the less well off sibling to experience so thing they wouldn’t be able to afford on their own.

I find this to sadly be quite common behaviour with people with money. They have a massive chip on their shoulder about what is fair & unfair & their view of money is skewed so that if they miss out on money they’re feel bad done by instead of just being happy their sibling is able to join them on the trip.
If the shoe was on the other foot I can guarantee your more affluent child would rip your hand off for you to pay for the holiday but I bet your less well off child has said that it is too much for you to pay.

Maybe consider not doing a family holiday with your rude child & just take your other child, needing some financial help to do something nice, away instead.

TheVeryLastUsername · 04/10/2022 11:18

I understand where your better off daughter is coming from.

Similar dynamic with my sibset, the ones who have worked hard and sacrificed things to get to a not-well-off but comfortable position get little to no help, including practically (i.e. childcare) whereas my siblings who have either been lazy or made bad life choices get all the help and sympathy. It feels like that is being rewarded. Incidentally, it was these siblings who were overindulged and favoured by my parents as children. No jealousy here (most of the time 😂), it is what it is, and I help out where I can as that’s what families do, but it can sting sometimes to have no family support (practically) when I’m always called upon to help/ support.

Maybe there’s something deeper goingn on with her feelings and it’s not actually about the money.

SMrs · 04/10/2022 11:20

I'm in a very similar situation to your daughters with my own sister. I would never ever expect my mum to pay for me and my husband because she offers support to my sister.

In fact, I would likely help financially as well and have done so many times in the past. I think your daughter has put you in a very difficult position and whilst you certainly shouldn't have to, my advice would be to help out your daughter but keep it quiet and don't disclose it to her sister if it will cause issues.

I'd also bring it up with her and discuss how you feel, but perhaps wait until you're less heated so you can resolve the issue amicably and not cause a rift.

Such a shame for you though

W00p · 04/10/2022 11:24

I see your problem, your eldest is a dick.

SMrs · 04/10/2022 11:29

Parrotpretty · 03/10/2022 14:14

I don't understand this. I'd give my sister my last £1 if it came to it.

Exactly!

IAmSloth · 04/10/2022 11:41

I would just book you and the other daughter a holiday and all go enjoy yourselves. Judging from this post you would have a nicer time without them.

iekanda · 04/10/2022 11:44

I think it’s best not to do the holiday. There could be all sorts going on.

Your DD1 may feel penalised for “doing the right thing”. She may feel that she works her guts out in a stressful job only to find that someone working PT in a less stressful job gets handouts. She may feel it was DD2’s choice to bring a child into an unstable situation. She may also feel resentment that DD2 works part time only and gets benefits to top it up. She may feel that her job is more stressful than DD2’s. She may feel that her/her dh’s taxes essentially go to DD2. She may feel sick of you feeling sorry for dd2 because she’s a single mum. She may have marriage problems you don’t know about. And depending on where DD1 lives and the size of her mortgage etc, she may not have a huge amount of spare money, particularly not to spend on a holiday which is not of their choosing. Her h may not want to go away with his MiL. Even if there are no problems, family holidays when people are adults can be fraught with difficulty and disagreement.

Psmum10 · 04/10/2022 11:47

I am DD1 BUT if I wanted to go on said holiday I would help pay for both of you!

Is it that DD1 and DD2 do not get on? There may be jealously about how much you help out with DD2. But surely it's all about letting cousins make memories together as a family.

Only thing I think is that if DD2 wastes her benefits and DD1 thinks that she should at least contribute a bit!

Feel for you but I'd say it's not about money!

ZombieGamer · 04/10/2022 11:59

Even if the in laws look after her children it is not the same as her own mother spending time with her children and not feeling as if her siblings children are the favourite.

Crazykatie · 04/10/2022 11:59

I would not be going on holiday with them both in these circumstances, obviously I would help the disadvantaged child more, if the other has a problem with that, tough.
When it comes to my will I would also leave more to the poorer child because the other has been well provided for and I would say why.

Summerlovin24 · 04/10/2022 12:04

DD1 is unreasonable. It has to be based on need and you want to help DD2 enjoy a holiday. I don't think you can always be fair with your kids financially. They need help in different ways at different times.

Cakeandcardio · 04/10/2022 12:06

I am the "wealthy" daughter in this scenario - although not to the same extent as your dd. Never ever grudged my sister a penny of the help she has received from my dad (and sometimes me!). Your daughter needs to have a look at herself.

Cancersurvivor · 04/10/2022 12:19

I’m 62 and my sister is 64, she has very very little, I look after my sister and would never see her short as I’m more financially secure. That what family should do. I also have 3 sons, one son has 3 children my other 2 sons have one child each and have good jobs, all hove there own homes. My son with the 3 children gets far more than my other 2 sons. You look after the more vulnerable.
but I very generous to them all. There wonderful sons and all get along great.