Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

That’s why I said it goes beyond finances.

She wants to feel she’s as worthy as her sister of being treated by her mother. She wants to feel equally cared for.

As you described the scenario after reading the post title, I thought you were going to describe a situation where DD2 was jealous of her richer sibling!
Your DD1 is a disgrace and frankly I'd be ashamed of her. What an excuse for a decent human being she is.

@AuntMargo I really feel for you. I have 2 DC, DC1 was a high earner married to another high earner with two children, when DC2 became a single parent. We lived nearer to DC2, helped out with that grandchild more, and a bit more financially. DC1 also helped, by paying for a holiday for them all, and generally being supportive. DC2 has since married, had promotion and is on a far more equal footing now.

I’m pleased that my children don’t resent one another. Similarly, circumstances were so much harder years ago for DH’s younger siblings that they got much more help from his parents than we did. They needed it, and we understood and didn’t resent it. Isn’t that how families should behave?

It's hard seeing someone else get something for free that you've had to work hard for. It's made even harder when it's your own mother who is providing it for free.

If neither sister had any money, then the holiday wouldn't be happening because mum can't afford to fund both families. Therefore, the holiday is only happening because DD1 worked harder and made better life choices. DD2 is being "rewarded" because of DD1's efforts. I can see why DD1 is upset.

Wow catty much! I've often read some pretty nasty posts but goodness me that's unbelievably bitchy and unnecessary. I've paid for my dsis to do things before when her earning power was lower, why should she feel like a charity case? I did it because I wanted to spend that time with her. Imagine being so lacking in empathy that you can't see past your own bitterness...

This. Unless she’s a real horror of a human being it’s not about money at all, it’s about parity of love, concern, support, consideration, emotional investment. She clearly feels you always prioritise her sister over her, and that hurts, regardless of the circumstances.

You feeling angry and ashamed of her attitude (rather than trying to understand where it’s coming from) only pushes you further towards your younger DD and aligns you both against her.

Don’t forget that although your girls are adults, you’re still their mum, and childhood rivalries, hurts and resentments can easily surface, even when they’re not acknowledged as such. We’re all still little kids inside, even when we’re very old men and women.

To be pedantic, there's no hard evidence DS1 resents DS2. It's the situation she resents, it may even be the OP she resents or DS2 or the attention DS2 gets from the OP. I don't think DS1 has acted well but jealously in the OPs title is a strong word.

Absolutely 100% agree it’s not about money, it’s about your love. You’re bestowing outward gestures of love constantly on dd1. What have you done to show dd2 you live her?

You and others seem to be conveniently ignoring how much OP has done for elder dd and how much she still does for her.

I’m in elder dd’s shoes, I have seen my siblings get constant cash handouts and I won’t inherit the family property as it will go to an unemployed sibling.

It is aggravating but I pick my battles and I would not begrudge my sister and niece a holiday as I can afford one, they cannot.

I didn't have the best upbringing and have gone very low contact with my mother for various reasons.

My DB is the favourite child. The financial circumstances are very different in our family but I think this is a red herring in your post OP. I know my parents would and occasionally used to drop everything to help him out. The language they used when they talk about him is different.

I know I am projecting and things maybe different with your children but it's worth talking to your eldest DD and seeing where the resentment is coming from.

I would really love some examples of how siblings are treated fairly but not equally. I'm genuinely baffled!

DD's not DS's!

Its simple, if you have two children and one can reasonably can afford a holiday and one reasonably can’t, then you may decide to help the one who can’t afford to have a holiday.

I’d never suggest that, my brother on the other hand would. I’d be furious if any of my 3 kids were like that. Your daughter needs to be grateful she’s not in similar position. Life can change in an instant, despite her believing she’s worked hard no doubt for where she is. I’d be more than happy for my mum to pay for my brother and his family as I’m on a decent wage. She probably wouldn’t offer one and not the other just because my brother has always wanted 100% the same. Maybe not now at nearly 50, but he was like that for years

Surely it’s simply a case and making it possible for you all to go together. You are making it possible for the younger dd to go whilst your older dd can already afford it. I think that is what mums do - you give the help where it’s most needed to keep everyone together.

Similar scenario in our family regards finances, however the wealthier DD would be happy for the family to have the opportunity to go together and would not be jealous.

Or postpone the family holiday until both children can afford the holiday. That way no one is being subsidised.

How is that treating them fairly though? You pay for both DC or none!

Fair enough when the OP dies (sorry OP, a long time in the future) split the inheritance equally but this is a break away and affordability is relevant. Unless my sibling was a complete waste of space, which DD2 isn’t, I wouldn’t begrudge them a holiday or any financial support our mother chose to give with her money. My parents gave my older brother some funds after he and his wife split to help him out and neither me or our younger brother had an issue with it because he fell on hard times.

DD1 might feel the OP loves DD2 more but that’s DD1s issue not DD2s or the OPs.

OP - this is probably the right decision for now. However, it doesn't mean that you can't have a holiday with your DDs and your DGC later. I hope you take the opportunity to have a good heart-to-heart with your DD1 and find out why she feels so resentful. It probably has nothing to do with the money and maybe she wants your time and attention instead - but you won't find out unless you discuss it and ask her what she really wants. I think if DD1 felt emotionally secure she would be more than happy for DD2 to receive your help. It is easy to take someone who on the surface has a good job, nice house, good DH etc etc for granted and think that everything is easy for them. She may be struggling in different ways or simply just want you to acknowledge it.

Fairness doesn’t mean being treated the same. Are you saying OP should see one set of grandchildren have a holiday and not help the other grandchild to have a holiday?

That seems mean.

But the OP has treated them equally, she has given both what they need. She has dond childcare for both plus extra treats for both and all the grandchildren, she has given both money when they’ve needed it, she has taken them all on a UK holiday which she paid for so they could all have a family holiday together

I feel for you, it’s tricky. While I definitely don’t think you should pay for DD1 or anyone should ever feel entitled to have you pay for their holiday, I am actually sort of DD1. I have been in a similar situation with my Dad and older sister & her husband. I have kids, she didn’t then. I felt annoyed that I saved hard, had small kids to financially take care of too and my sis just never worked hard to take care of herself, doesn’t save, has never taken the opportunities given to her by my parents to improve her situation financially and is always always being subsidised by the rest of us for holidays, meals etc etc I feel she was always spoilt as a kid and it’s extended into adulthood. It isn’t just money either, I just don’t think we are loved or treated the same. That may be how your daughter is feeling. The money really isn’t the issue usually. It’s more about you treating your children differently. Even if that’s not what she is actually saying.

I entirely agree. DD2 needs to feel valued and emotionally secure - and she clearly doesn’t at the moment. You will find they will both benefit from this approach and DD1 is likely to feel much more generous if she doesn’t feel sidelined/second best.

Get the family in a good place then work out if the holiday is a good idea.

@AuntMargo That is a good idea.

In you OP you said “There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter,”

Think through what they were and try to drill down with your DD1 where these feelings come from. I suspect they go back to childhood. Your DD1 is likely to get very upset and it will be a difficult conversation but push her to tell you the root of this.

Some of what she has to say will be hard and like other posters I suspect there maybe times DD2 was put first. Please do not try to defend DD2 if DD1 criticises her, stay silent and really listen to what DD1 is telling you.

Can you think back to when they were children, when they fell out did you expect DD1 to be the bigger person because DD2 was younger? Was one more challenging than the other? Did DD2 get to do hobbies, things at a younger age or because there was more money?

You are still focused on the materialistic comparisons thunder It’s not about that - how times does it need to be posted !