Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

Was it a surprise to you though?

If one of my children behaved like this I’d honestly think they’d had a personality transplant because would be so so unlike them

@Keepitrealnomists same here! My sister made poor choices and doesn't work hard yet gets all the emotional and financial support!

This is very mean spirited! Her family wanted to help because, you know, they love and care for one another!
Some people are very odd when it comes to families and money, my family mean more to me than anything else and I’d happily throw all the money I could at my siblings if I was in a position to do so!

That's lovely and how families should work in my opinion.

I think people forget that circumstances can change. My sister was like DD1 in this story, she paid for a holiday for me and my kids once. I got out of a marriage with a husband who had become an alcoholic (obviously I should have foreseen that so my fault) and eventually met my DH and we were doing fine. My sister's circumstances changed, she lost her home with her marriage and moved in with us till she got back on her feet.

Life's a marathon not a sprint.

It's most probably not about the money. Your 'richer' daughter and her husband are both working in (presumably) demanding jobs, running a business and raising 2 children. She might just be knackered and want a bit of support too.

Are you close to your parents out of interest?

But it didn't say anywhere about the mother working herself into the ground. You say about mortgage and bills etc, yes they are essentials. But most loving mothers would want to see their child happy and not miss out on a family holiday. The mother would be happier having both her children and all of her granchildren there. So they chose to make it happen that the other daughter was there. I am sure the daughter was very thankful. Some people also get a great amount of satisfaction in giving to loved ones and in having the power (through money) to give their loved ones a happy experience and a lifetime family memory. There is absolutely nothing 'embarassing' about it at all. If a person receiving is not thankful and expects, then that is a very different situation and this is not the situation we are talking about. Your perspective of it is genuinely sad.

As an adult child I now know what is fair is not always equal
Once I was at peace with that my life was greatly enhanced - through luck, ability or hard work I am in a much better position than my sibling
Although I sometimes find it difficult I remind myself of this

It does read like dd2 has always been considered to be less able and has this had more attention given to her, whereas the able sister has been left to get on with it. It’s not unusual for this dynamic to create resentments and ultimately estrangements.

DD2 may have more financial ‘need’, but that’s overlooking the fact that DD1 has needs also. Maybe not financial ones, but emotional ones. She may very need to feel she’s equally worthy of being treated by her mother.

Did you contribute towards feckless DB? Or did you say no and say why?

I treat each according to their needs. Thar is fair.
When I'm dead what is left goes equally.
I would call her on it.
" so you think that I should either subsidise people who earn more than me or see my granddaughter go without to make it fair?:

How do people end up being such horrible human beings? Your DD1 is out of order. Such a sense of entitlement! Nonsense.

It's bonkers, I'm made to feel guilty as I have more than my sibling but I work hard to achieve that. He on the other hand thinks he should have whatever he wants whenever he wants and instead of my parents helping are just adding to the problem and applying plasters so he doesn't have the bailiffs round... Drives me nuts!

Ah this old chestnut,

My sister is well known for texting our parents all day everyday. She phones them about 25 times a day. No job, no career, whining constantly.

She now lives 450 miles away (YAY!) but our parents still drop everything to drive all that way to do childcare. My DC are 9 and 11 and each time we ask - they're busy. We live 3 miles away from them.

Last year my xmas gift was 2 years out of date and they forgot my bday this year.

Yet my mum gave me a good talking to on Saturday for not being able to drive to theirs because we chose to see our in laws instead.

The in laws who love us unconditionally, who WANT to see DC.

Ya reap what you sow.

And my parents are reaping a lonely old age with a pathetic daughter 450 miles away. DH and my friends have been telling me for 20 years that they don't give a shit and I'm finally beginning to phase them out.

I have a crushed self esteem from being the least favoured daughter. My DC know Granny and Grandad don't give a fuck.

My sister doesn't have real friends, she has people who tolerate her. Being she's incessantly pathetic. And her husband is no better. 😊

And yes, I'm the one with a stable happy marriage and a good job.

She's been married 3 times and been bankrupt from paying for so many weddings. She's a serial cheat but somehow we all have to pick up the pieces when she causes more devastation for her family.

Sigh

I think in the grand scheme of things your daughter is not being greedy she wants to be treated fairly.

You said that you leant her money to buy her 2nd house.

Has your younger daughter ever been leant money in the past or was it given to her not expected it to be repaid?

Has your youngest pre all her misfortunes when both of your daughters were younger been your favourite?

I can see where your elder daughter is coming from. I feel this with my Inlaws and how they treat my son and their daughters child differently. I just feel if your doing it for one child do it for the other.

I wouldn't go on holiday with either. Book yourself a holiday of your own and enjoy.

Okay, thanks for all your replies, some of you have totally twisted what I have said, and exaggerated the situation, inferring my eldest is treat awfully and is 2nd best , couldnt be further from the truth. I have made the decision not to go ahead with the holiday for now. Thank you all xx

@WickedStepmomNOT

No I didn't subsidise him. I didn't see why my family should go without things to prop my db up who had all the same opportunities as me.

Asking your mum who earns less than you to pay for a holiday for your whole family is not wanting to be treated fairly. It’s grasping.

I think I'd be the older DD in this case. DH and I work bloody hard, own our house outright and have good incomes. My sister however has bounced from job to job, and ended up having to work with Mum in her business which Mum has now handed over to her including the premises. Mum has also done an equity release on her house to allow my sister to renovate the shithole of a house she bought. Which of course I'm not supposed to know about but my cousin told me.

I've spent most of my adult life wondering what I ever did to deserve it, and it's fucking soul destroying. This isn't about the money, OP, it's about feeling you're an equal to your other sibling.

It wanting to be treated equally to a sister she’s seen be paid for by their mother repeatedly.

‘fairly’ goes beyond finances.

Being treated fairly does not always mean being treated the same.

DD1 can afford a holiday, DD2 can’t. OP wants her children to have the same experiences.

Fairness in the sense of equity is having everything you need to make things “fair” - fairness is about creating a level playing field. It sounds like your DD1 just doesn’t get that and is acting like a child thinking that fairness means everything being the same for everyone. Which as she very well knows, it isn’t.

I bet she votes conservative!

Equality does not equal fairness. Your DD do not need to be treated equally in all aspects of life.

DD1 is a grown woman. She’s not a child that has to stand there shamefaced whilst her mother calls her a selfish brat. She’s got her own perspective that her mother should acknowledge if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter.

OP should only go ahead with the holiday with DD2 and her child if she’s actively wanting to blow up her relationship with DD1. Because that’ll be the outcome, not DD1 suddenly realising the error of her ways and begging OP’s forgiveness.