AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

[Glitterbaba]

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

Where does she live the other days? Why is the arrangement EVERY weekend - why isn't her other guardian looking after her some weekends? I'm getting the impression she doesn't get much attention at her other home either.

Her Dad really needs to step up here. He doesn't have to "get" the stuff she's into, he just has to show interest - that means watching the inane TikTok videos (agree a time limit!), asking about her day, involving her.

Can she be involved with the cooking and cleaning? I don't have a stepchild but am a single parent to a 14yo and DD knows that if she helps out, I have more time available for her, plus it's helping her learn life skills.

Btw when you have a walking child - which will happen in the next two months - you're not going to have a 'day off' at all. And you might be glad to have a teen to watch the baby. They're full on!

Teach her to cook.

Yip definitely sounds like DH problem. Sounds like the poor girl has latched on to you for company/ attention as she has F all chance of getting any genuine attention from her father. Time your DH bucked on and showed some real interest in his daughter. You sound lovely btw- I can understand why she thinks you’re a good adult to latch on to. Kudos to you for developing that relationship.

She sounds spoilet and you are pandering to her

Your dh is lazy and needs to start pulling his weight.

No wonder your shattered it sounds like she's holding court at you whenever she's there. No one wants a child talking at them constantly about videos or anything else , regardless of who's child it is

You need to put your foot down with her and your dh

*spoilt

Could you book something on a Wed eve with your DS? A sensory class or baby massage? Force DH to step up and give his daughter attention until you are ready to set the boundaries..

Sooo your day off is basically babysitting for step child who should either be entertaining herself sometimes (not all the time, but sometimes) and your DH expects it..

Sounds like a DH problem.
Reframed as "I get no time to just be with my own DC as it's assumed 100% of my free time is spent babysitting step child" and yanbu.

Your DH needs to sort this really.

It's not your DSC fault her dad isn't stepping up here.

it’s only from 3.00-4.45 ; it isn’t ! Because DH will hide whilst I entertain .

If it looks like a DH problem, and walks like a DH problem, then it probably is a DH problem.

Sit DH down, tell him that it is not ok to hide while his daughter monopolises your time. Make it clear that this stops now.

As I said before, just be out for those times and warn DH in advance so he can be prepared. Good luck.

He can’t see his behavior. I believe DSD engages with me so much as DH is so unavailable.

The way to demonstrate this to him is for you to not be available a couple of weeks running.

It's terribly convenient for him that you have stepped up. That time is now over. Let him step up now.

I don't think your being unreasonable but I'm impressed 13 year old wants to talk to you. Mine grunt, raid fridge and disappear to play games or go out

Tell your dh he is the one to be ‘on’. He must proactively: take her fora walk to the shops, play a game with her, find out 10 things about her week, watch 30 videos while paying attention, and you will have a set of stock phrases to remind him when he drifts. If he leaves the room, you ‘have to call a friend’ and call him in. If he focuses on something else, you reel him in. Hey Dh you were talking about geography classes in high school earlier, help dsd. If he has to go do anything then she goes too. Have you never been out in the day/evening when she is here? Ie has he never ever had contact on his own? She might love the attention you get but you need her dad to give it to her. Babies are only little for a very short while. It’s pretty shitty he thinks he’s equally there, and it does say a lot about you that you’ve taken this load on- I don’t think anyfucker was being rude to point that out. If you haven’t let him parent on his own how can he realise what it’s like?
do you like cooking? You could say your day off is the day you’ll be cooking something that takes a bit more time so if she wants really wants to come that day it won’t be steak or prawns it will be curry/ stir fry / chicken casserole, lentils etc that’s the only day you and dh (do not let him off the hook) have any time to do it a bit differently.

@Glitterbaba you need a day for you. DH needs to stop hiding. How about if she turns up at half 3, you have a catch-up and drink then she and DH look after DS from 4.45 and you take some time out? Even if you hide at the library/sit in the car round the corner reading with a coffee takeout? Just be unavailable. She will probably tire of Wednesdays and you can then return to how you are. Either way though, you need to get some time off for you, without anyone or anything.

it's obvious how tired you are now you've gone up to 10 hours x 4 days a week at work.

Could you ask your employer if you can go back to working 28 hours over 3 long days with your MIL having your son 1 day, at nursery for 2 days meaning you have 4 days off again?

That way your step-daughter can come Wednesdays and you still get a day just you and your son? Would that work?

if not, tell your husband to do a couple of long days a week like you do and then he has plenty of time to finish early and enjoy his daughter's company without you being the go to adult.

You’ve posted about this before, ffs grow a spine and tell him NO.

I can understand why you had enough of this current situation. Your working 4 days and possibly long hours those days. Your day off is Wed and you want to spend that time with your son, relax or make plans where you don't have to be home at 3.00 to suit your 13 year old step daughter.

You need to tell your husband that it not your job to be available at 3.00 every Wed afternoon when his daughter comes around. Tell him that you work 4 long days a week and it your day off.
In fact I tell him that he can come early that day to deal with her.
If he does not listen to you I would be gone every Wed afternoon for a few weeks. Tell him you asked him to come home early but since he refuses to do this you have no other choice.

I also tell him that he needs to step up at the weekends to spend more time with his daughter and that you both need to work on her social skills. He needs to bring her out of the house over the weekend on her own and give you a break.
He needs to be told that at 13 years of age she needs to be aware that the world does not revolve around her and what she wants.
Tell him that your sick of her being like your shadow, constantly wanting your time, her never shutting up, expecting that she get certain meals, watches the TV programs she wants ect.
I would also tell him that if she continues to be let go on with this behaviour that she will end up with no friends. In a few years time she could be going to college, end up in a shared house with students of her age and she will be hated their if she is like this.

You need to make new rules for when she comes around. Your no longer going to let her continue to dominate your time and control the TV or decide what you watch on this.
I let her watch programs up to say 9.00 but after that you decide what you want to watch.

When she starts looking for you to stop things, tell her I will chat to you later as I am busy. The same when she wants to dance, show you tic tocks ect. Tell her to go to your father and show him, ask him ect.
Go to your bedroom to read a book, go on the internet ect and tell your DH and dsd you be back later and you don't want to be disturbed.
I would also tell her that due to the cost of living and the bills going up she won't be having steak, prawns and takeaways every weekend. She has to eat what's on offer as your not cooking just what she likes.

My advice as well is that unless you're husband starts to take on board on what you tell him I do the following.
Book a weekend away and leave him with the baby and his 13 year old. Let him see what you are dealing with every weekend. Make sure as well that there is not much food in the house especially the foods she likes. A weekend of her driving him mad is what he needs to experience.

I think that you have been very decent with him up to now in regards to your step daughter but that you had enough of doing everything with his daughter at the weekends. Along with this you need your Wednesday's as a s.daughter free zone.

It sounds like you have been cast in the role of Disney stepmum.

A regular midweek visit should be a standard family evening, not special treat meals and you run ragged.

I see this in a family member.Your step daughter loves you and bonds with you which is a gift,yes tedious but still you are obviously a lovely ,caring person and she sees that.Her father finds it easier to let her be with you this is the same thing we have in our family,he steps back.She is 13 and in a couple of years this will change.Our situation is the girls mother doesn’t care so she is seeking a mother figure .However difficult this is for you remember she will never forget your love and time you gave her.This is priceless.On your day off tell your husband it is his time with her,spell it out,he is lazy and needs telling to step up.Could he go to the supermarket and have one to one time with her.Good luck.

That's right the solution to DH not pulling his weight is a woman whose career is already compromised by having had maternity leave cuttingback her paid employment.

Why does DH takea couple of hours leave on Wednesday afternoons ?

Unless you can link to this supposed previous thread, this really isn’t helpful.

Don't work so hard to entertain her-carry on with whatever you were doing and let her watch tv or whatever she wants to do. Or delegate some of the housework to her.

And no, she does not get to control the menu or the tv, unless you have no backbone.

You're being selfish you married him with a kid just get on with it she can start babysitting fit your room so be nice

For you soon

Selfish?! Nasty post and way to describe the OP. She shouldn't have to be everything to her step daughter. Do you normally go around being so nasty to people that have clearly stepped up like the OP has?

What about her Dad? He hides from his daughter? Is that okay? Do you think the OP signed up for that? A crap Dad who doesn't bother to try with his daughter?

Maybe have a go about him instead.