Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

233 replies

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 20:34

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

OP posts:
pandy2 · 02/10/2022 22:23

Re read the thread and there's some huge overreaction here imo (only solution LtB!) But I do think the issue here is she's a guest so she gets full on entertainment, chat etc. I would say no to the Weds (husband taking her out for McDonald's/ cheap dinner etc is a good idea.) But the rest of the time she comes treat her more as you would if she were your daughter and it was her home - you chat etc but there's no constant entertainment/ attention- everyone just finds their own way to hang out together.

Smellywellyhoo · 02/10/2022 22:26

She can come round when her dad is available. A teenager doesn't need babysitting.

Lollypop701 · 02/10/2022 22:28

I don’t give my children 100% attention, it’s not normal. You have her 50% of the time., she is isn’t a guest she’s family. You really need to stop, all teenagers are selfish, self indulged asshats but you are actually pandering to her so of course she loves coming to you … she gets 100% attention 100% of the time. Get over the guilt and go watch Netflix ffs, although as this behaviour has been going on a while you might have to implement it slowly. The main issue is dh, because he must know it’s not ok but is choosing you leave you with the heavy load because it’s easier. Tell him if he isn’t very careful he will be having 2 kids on his own every weekend by himself because of his behaviour

Moveoverdarlin · 02/10/2022 22:36

It’s quite sweet, it sounds like she absolutely adores you. You must be a great stepmother, but I can understand how it’s exhausting.

VivX · 02/10/2022 22:39

"I feel exhausted by it all. Just don’t know how to deal with saying to DSD - okay now I need time to chill."

You just say exactly that: "I'm quite exhausted and I need time to chill... why don't you go do your homework/watch TV/etc."

There is no need for any further explanation. Your needs matter too.

Somethingneedstochange · 02/10/2022 22:41

She has her half baby sibling there as well who I'm sure she loves spending time with.

Blackmetalmama · 02/10/2022 22:42

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. Working 4 long days with a 10 month old is hard- Wednesday should be your day, without the hassle of having to entertain. She can come any other day of the week. She is there every weekend. Hardly like you're being the evil stepmother here wanting to make the most of your hard earned day with your DS.

Vecna · 02/10/2022 22:45

I think this is shit. I have no dsc and I'm still with my children's father, so I've no history to influence my position. I just think a child should be always welcome at their parent's home.

Genevieva · 02/10/2022 22:47

You sound like a wonderfully engaged step Mum and, on one level, this is a huge complement. However, you need to look after yourself without offending her.

I would say something non-committal, such as your day off might be changing so you can't commit to being around on a Wednesday. Or something of that nature.

Hoplesscynic · 02/10/2022 22:48

OP, your DH can't tell you to be there at 3 because his child is coming over. Does he realise how ridiculous it sounds?
If I were you, I'd still have a good friendly chat with DSD - 30 mins tops, then tell her you are tired, busy, whatever the truth is. You don't need to feel bad or lie to her either. The other option is to get her involved playing games with you and your DS, go for a walk, just include her in the activity you are doing with him anyway.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 22:50

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

Protect that day, she can chose any of the others. Your DP is one cheeky fucker telling you to be home at 3.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/10/2022 22:53

I think you sound like a great stepmum and your dsd obviously enjoys time with you. Don't feel bad about your reaction - I think it's quite normal. She is welcome there but you need some peace and quiet. As pp have said, can you just be honest and go to another room to chill.

Heronwatcher · 02/10/2022 22:55

I think you’re both letting your DSD down TBH. Your DH sounds dreadful. As you have said you have issues with boundaries but, knowingly or not, you’re enabling his laziness and selfishness. I do genuinely sympathise but it seems to me that she’s been taught this behaviour by both of you, and I don’t think that starting to dictate when she can and can’t come to her own house is the answer. I think you need to work on setting some proper boundaries with her when she is there, not saying don’t come.

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/10/2022 22:56

Once a fortnight seems fair enough. The other week can you just say she is to arrive at 5? If you must give a reason say you have allocated that time to see a particular friend or something. It's not like she'll check.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 02/10/2022 22:57

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 22:50

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

Protect that day, she can chose any of the others. Your DP is one cheeky fucker telling you to be home at 3.

This^

No way would I give up my day in your circumstances. I’d be saying to DD that Wednesday isn’t a good day and she needs to pick another day.

If she insisted (I would still put my foot down and say no regardless) then I’d purposely make sure I wasn’t in every Wednesday from 3 and I’d go out with DS until 6 or later and spend time with him out of the house.

Your DH is a cheeky fucker.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2022 22:59

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining !

This would be a no from me.

In your situation I'd make very sure to be out and not be back until your usual 6.30pm time. DR appointment, smear test, you will think of something.

Do it consistently and he will get used to being in the front line of entertaining his child, as he should be.

Don't just pick up this role entertaining his child, just because he assumes you will do it. It's gone who has dropped the rope.

so I cook, clean, wash , entertain

What does your DH do, while you are doing all this ?

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 23:00

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3.

Does he often speak to you like you're a child?

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 23:02

“…but DSD comes all weekends so I cook, clean, wash , entertain.”

This and he 'hides' from his own child.

So he does the fun bits and none of the actual caretaking?

What a rubbish, lazy dad.

You're doing more parenting than he is of his own child.

riverlegslights · 02/10/2022 23:03

Flabbergasted you do all this. She must think a lot of you. But step back a bit for the sake of her relationship with DH.

Bournetilly · 02/10/2022 23:03

YANBU but it will be great when your DS is a year or so older and she can entertain him (that’s if she still wants all your attention)

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 23:04

riverlegslights · 02/10/2022 23:03

Flabbergasted you do all this. She must think a lot of you. But step back a bit for the sake of her relationship with DH.

And for the sake of them both not teaching DSD that cooking, cleaning and childcare are a woman's work while men get to pick and choose the bits of adulting and parenthood they fancy doing and opt out of the rest.

Theluggage15 · 02/10/2022 23:08

Sounds like you have a great relationship with her but it does sound exhausting if she’s following you around all the time. This really needs to stop for your own sanity, you don’t want to one day lose your rag and say something you regret.

You want that day off for yourself and you’re doing nothing wrong in saying so and your husband is a lazy arse, she should be there to spend time with him and he’s just avoiding her. Not on.

GetThatHelmetOn · 02/10/2022 23:08

ichimedin · 02/10/2022 20:35

you chose to marry a man with a child

Bullshit.

There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have her day off with her baby. Many mums do arrange for that space even if the older siblings are theirs as well.

HeckyPeck · 02/10/2022 23:09

HollyJollyXmas57 · 02/10/2022 22:57

This^

No way would I give up my day in your circumstances. I’d be saying to DD that Wednesday isn’t a good day and she needs to pick another day.

If she insisted (I would still put my foot down and say no regardless) then I’d purposely make sure I wasn’t in every Wednesday from 3 and I’d go out with DS until 6 or later and spend time with him out of the house.

Your DH is a cheeky fucker.

Show quote history

Same here.

Your husband can insist you're home all he wants, but you don't have to do as you're told!

Watchthesunrise · 02/10/2022 23:11

I suppose I feel I am the one who does the entertainment. I feel I am the one who cooks and worries and makes her happy whilst DH lays around .

This gives a clue about why his first marriage failed...

Swipe left for the next trending thread