AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

[Glitterbaba]

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

He claims he doesn’t hide. He says he is fully engaged etc. It is honestly so frustrating . He can’t see his behavior. I believe DSD engages with me so much as DH is so unavailable.

DH sees me and DSD getting along and thinks it’s great and so leaves us to it !

I feel exhausted by it all. Just don’t know how to deal with saying to DSD - okay now I need time to chill.

As always on these threads, you have a husband problem.

It's your day off. Go out. Meet your friends. Have a long lazy lunch. Go to soft play with DS and don't come home until you want to come home.

If DSD comes over, she can entertain herself or her dad can arrange to finish early and look after his own child.

Yup

This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

Shouldn't have picked a man who already had a family then.

I think your working on boundaries should help. Do you have a room you can go to to say I'm just going to sit quietly in my room for a bit, see you in 15 mins? Or something like that?

And tell him not to leave you to it!

You can't tell her she isn't welcome when it is her home too, at her age she should be able to plan when to see her dad whenever it suits them both without the need for a rigid timetable.

But having said that, you should just crack on and do whatever you need to do while she's there.
Be honest and say you're tired/want to watch tv/rest. Don't let her takeover the tv. Go out and do what you want and go home when it suits you. She's old enough to let herself in and busy herself with something till her dad finishes work.

1. It's his child. He doesn't get to hide. He should be doing the bulk of the entertaining.

1. No household I have ever encountered let's a teen control the remote or determine meals. They can have input but what you have created is an unhealthy relationship and parenting dynamic by being a pushover.

Oh come off it. She should be able to have a slouch around the house. It's not her kid after all.

You have a massive DH issue. You need to talk to him coldly and calmly. No more being a mug.

and I know I feel I am extra nice to her

This is what DSD wants but it’s unsustainable. You can’t be like this all the time, you will exhaust yourself and have nothing left for your own child.

Have you actually bothered to RTFT?

because anyone marrying a man with a child should expect to be the female dumping ground for the man’s parenting cop-out?

your internalised misogyny is strong!

Ask DH what he would do if you had died, or what he did before you came along he needs to be able to be in his own child's company

It's still her step daughter's home. Horrible attitude- she should have picked a man who didn't already have children.

whilst ywbu to not be welcoming I’m not sure why you’re entertaining her all the time.

”hey dsd I just want to watch this programme/talk to your dad/go for a run/get my chores done in peace….can you just watch tv by yourself for a bit”?

and if that doesn’t work, make plans out of the house and let your dh deal with her from time to time

you sound like a lovely stepmum and it’s lovely that she clearly values your relationship but she needs to realise she can’t command your full attention the whole time she comes over.

So why isn’t he entertaining her from 4.445 then?

honestly you need to be out and unavailable for a few weeks (weds evenings and weekends) and leave them to it)
you need to a Lot less accommodating when you’re home

And how does him having a child already mean she can't slouch around in her pjs and read a book or do something like that?

Yes because god forbid she should expect a father to actually parent his own offspring.

are you posting from the 1950s?

I think it's absolutely revolting that the OP wants to dictate when her husband's daughter can visit what is , after all, still a home for the step-daughter.

It has damn all to do with "internalised misogyny"

Tell DH "don't forget DSD is coming over so you'll need to finish work by 3 to cook dinner and spend some time with her." Just do it back to him. YANBU, ignore those who are being bitchy.

Keep working through things in counselling. You can’t heal the child you were upset by your step parents by running yourself into the ground for your spoilt DSD.

It’s not too late to change but you’ll have to work at it, develop some boundaries and stick to them. Your son will take up more and more energy as he gets older and you need space to give him that. No 13 year old needs this much pandering, it’s not doing her any favours at all. I highly doubt her mum entertains her every minute she’s at home or makes meals to her demands, her dad certainly doesn’t, why the fuck would you?!

No. Stop all of it.

You have to consider what you need, what your son needs, at least as much as what DH and DSD might want. No one’s going to put the two of you first but you.

Do you want him growing up in the shadow of an overly indulged teenager you never say no to? Do you want him missing out because you’re crippled by guilt about her parents being divorced? None of this is his fault! Most of it isn’t yours either but do take a moment to look at your own motives and what you want to achieve. You can’t do anything about your own childhood, you can’t compensate for any difficulties in hers.

You can love her and care for her and say no. It’s parenting. Not easy but necessary.

My own blended family isn’t perfect, no one’s is. But my DSC are members of this family unit, part of this home, and not special guests. Everyone gets their favourite meals some nights, other nights they get on with it anyway. Everyone has jobs. We spend the time they’re here doing normal stuff. By not being treated as special they have a great relationship with their sister and treat this home respectfully and with consideration. No one here exists to entertain anyone else!

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Or is reading and comprehending OP’s posts beneath you?

I think its absolutely revolting that OP's DH has told her to be home at a certain time for his child's sake.

OP we had similar when my 2 dsd were little (they are 25 and 28 now). They used to come every weekend, all weekend, and while DH and I loved it, we never had any time to do anything just us, as we both worked all week.

Their mum loved it, as she had all weekend to do as she pleased. Anyway, we told her that we needed one weekend off a month, so we could do whatever we needed to do, just like she did when the kids were with us.

I think you should not be so available. Can you go somewhere with your baby? Have you got family nearby? Friends? Talk to your DH and tell him how it's making you feel. Sure, DSD won't be there forever as one day she won't want to come anymore on set days, but you should be able to have time just you and your child.

I voted YABU as it is a one off and as she doesn’t come around as often you can have a date night etc on a different day.

I think at this age it’s good to encourage her coming around and enjoying your company as it won’t last.

Yes you're right. You do sound awful.